Vent: balancing IF treatments with a pushy family....

JBDamonM · October 2014

Ugh. I apologize in advance for my whine.

So I am scheduled for an FET on November 14. This means IF we are lucky enough for this to work, we will find out the weekend before TGiving....... I am already stressed about where we should go for TGiving, and even more so at the thought that I could be hiding a very early pregnancy. But the thing is - this time around I REALLY don't want people knowing and therefore IF it works, I don't want to out myself early. It's just something I feel really strongly about. And therefore I don't really want to spend TGiving with my family because I know they will sniff it out when I'm not drinking. Again - while that shouldn't be a big deal, I just feel really strongly that I want them finding out when I am good and ready to tell them. Because of this I have been thinking we would switch things up and do the holiday with my in laws.

Well- this weekend my sister was home. Last night she mentioned how we should take a family vacation this summer.....I pretty much ignored it. And then today; we spent the day cleaning out my dads stuff. First - she brings up the vacation again.....going on and on about where we could go.....then a while later she brings up TGiving.....and is going on and on about how DH and I should host (UGH).,,,,I pretty much kept skirting the topics but then once we finished she called me to find out if DH and I were going to be able to go out with my sisters one night over the TGiving weekend.........what......the.....fuck...... Is with all of this togetherness?? I could seriously scream. All I want to do is kind of fly under the radar and these people are making that impossible. Then tonight my mom sends an email with a place for our family vacation.....again......what....the....fuck?!?!? Pregnant or not I really have no interest in dishing money out on a family vacation. And if we do get pregnant I wou,d be due in August.....so this would obviously be a no go......even if this doesn't work I am hopeful that it Will happen shortly after this and therefore I still wouldmt really want a family vacation as I would want this time to do the things I want to do with DD before we bring a sibling into the picture...

I REAlLY just hate that these people keep putting me in a position where I have to either commit or tell them why I can't commit.....I feel suffocated. Obviously it's not intentional but at the same time I don't know why we need to plan and look at venues for a vacation 9 months in advance....UGH. And confession; the thought of a family trip makes me want to cringe. We did this two years ago and it was a disaster for DH,DD and I. My sister has a special needs son and has a million restrictions - like she won't rent a house, only stay in a hotel....so the cost winds up around $400 a night bc we have to do a resort bc there also has to be a pool for her kids and not just a beach........ Um- no thanks...... Ok - vent over. Thanks for listening.

Jenny935 · October 2014

I'm sorry. It's so hard to deal with the IF, the treatments, the hoping that in 9 months you'll be super busy, and then on top of it dealing with the family stuff that makes you want to scream on a normal day seems even MORE annoying! Good luck, and hugs!

kaf7 · October 2014

Ugh. I feel unintentionally suffocated on your behalf! Personally I would probably say you and DH are going to have to do some number crunching for the year ahead and arent ready to commit to booking a vacation now. That weekend you could say you're on an antibiotic that you've been advised not to drink with. But I guess it depends on if you're comfortable with omitting details and telling some fibs. GL

kmc84 · October 2014

((Hugs))

If DH's family is easier, just say you're going there and that's that!

I agree with kaf too! Unless they will want to know what kind of infection you have

Mrs.AmyDylan · October 2014

Kaf is on point. Since you won't know until just before tgiving I would opt for saying your are with H's family. That takes the pressure off you hosting. Hugs and hope your FET is a BFP and totally woth the dodging of family events

mnj05 · October 2014

I'm sorry. We didn't tell any of our family about our FET either because of the pushing they do with pregnancy.

I would also spend the holiday with YH's family if it won't be as stressful. You don't need family stress on top of IF stress.

JBDamonM · October 2014

@Ducky719‌ - you bring up an interesting point. You see - my sisters and I had discussed a trip to NH (where we always went with my dad) next summer. This I was fine with, I knew we wouldn't book until well after the new year when I would be more situated AND I would love to get up there with DD....but then this weekend my asshole sister brings up this family idea with my mom and stepdad......ummmmm.....what???? So she actually is 100% responsible for this mess and I'm quite upset with her. We don't do family trips often - a trip to Nh would be a fantastic way to honor my dad.....butthat plan shifting into a vacation with my mom and stepdad really upsets me.....not just because of the logistics but because the fact that she has totally disregarded something that would've been done dr my dad is hurtful to me.....I'm rambling but those are my still open wounds talking.....

JBDamonM · October 2014

Thanks for the advice all......just clarifying - my nephews restrictions are self imposed by my sister.....I would never openly complain if these were something he needed fr his safety and health. The vacation emails keep swirling and I'm just ignoring them. Pregnancy or not I am not committing to this 9 months out. They all need to simmer down. I have realized though ( after venting out my thoughts here....) that a lot of my ongoing frustration with my family is because they always put me in positions like this where I wind up having to explain myself and reasoning, and then they don't support it. I mentioned out trip two years ago. I opted out of that because DD was only 4 months old and they picked the weekend that was right when I went back to work with no PTO left......they guilted me in and I kid you not one of the worst weekends in my life. Complete with 2.5 hours of with LO screaming unconsolabely in the car.....they knew how bad it was and still never acknowledged it (and the fact that I had tried to opt out because I was afraid of this)......I promised myself never again would I surcumb to their guilt trips again....

mcgeeva · October 2014

Aye. I think in that situation I would say we were going to your husband's side for thanksgiving then keep dodging the family trip or just say simply it's not in our budget. We have to pick holidays with both parents although it's a fight with my husband's regardless. But I think to avoid the not drinking quetions I would just avoid them this holiday.

Julie21613 · October 2014

Yikes! I agree with @mcgeeva, just go to the inlaws. I love my family to pieces.. but have a sister that is like sherlock holmes.....If this cycle works I'll find out Nov 11. (I am too much a chicken to POAS, so I'll wait for beta). Thankfully she is spending Thanksgiving with her inlaws so I won't have any explaining to do....now Christmas........ not sure how to handle that!

Here's hoping we both have the problem of how to avert the drinking questions!

3JTMom · October 2014

No need to apologize. Venting is helpful, being understood is helpful. Can you make every effort to keep your IF secret? I know how uncomfortable it can be when people find out and ask questions, with good intentions, but nevertheless, questions you are not ready to answer. Hope your holidays work out. Can you sit down with DH and develop a plan of action, that would help you keep your boundaries intact? Sometimes it helps to scenario plan and think through the possibilities of what might happen. Blessings friend!

summererobinson · October 2014

Try to remember they dont know any of what your thinking or dealing with, so they dotn know they are being annoying Treatments can be hard to deal with when people dont know

JBDamonM · November 2014

Well well, I had an interesting day. It began with texts btwn my sisters and I which shifted to the topic of TGiving. I mentioned that we didn't know our plans yet and my sister (the non-crazy one none the less) ripped into me. A direct quote...."I smell you trying to back out of this and I strongly suggest you rethink this before you make a decision you're going to regret...."........what!?!?!?! I explained other that y husband and I always discuss how to split the holidays.....blah blah blah. She also brought up the vacation....and I told her "I hope to be pregnant next summer so I'm non committal." Her response to that "I also hope tone pregnant next summer. Pregnant, not dead."" I pointed out that if I got pregnant I'm out of work unpaid, at which time she understood and apologized, but I seriously want to scream. She went on and on about how we are ruining the holiday for everyone.....this is so unfair

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