Doula question - should I allow a shadow?

teaismCAgal · October 2014

My doula called me (at 32 weeks) to ask if she could bring an "assistant" to shadow her during my birth. I really do not feel comfortable having another person in the delivery room other than my husband and the doula we hired. Would you say no? Also, she has asked if the assistant can come to our second prenatal visit and our post-natal visit. But again, I'd rather not...Am I being unreasonable?

marriedinaugust · October 2014

If you'd rather not, say no. That's why she asked. We all have different comfort levels. It wouldn't bother me at all but I am not you. No need to worry about it. She will understand.

CLLDLL · October 2014

I agree with PPs. Do what's comfortable to you.

FYI if you are giving birth in a hospital there will be lots more people coming in and out of the room besides just your husband and doula anyways. You loose your modesty quickly. I swear everyone from the LC to the photographer to the blood draw tech to the food service guy saw my boob while I was learning to BF and I didn't care a bit.

margaritachikita · October 2014

Definitely your right to say no. Your labor will progress best when you are 100% comfortable with those around you. That said, as PP said, if you are delivering in a hospital you will have a slew of strangers in and out of your room and its always nice to have someone else on your "team" advocating for you. But do whatever you are most comfortable with. This is your big day!

ST3WD · October 2014

Don't feel negative about saying no since you being able to relax is going to be key. At the same time, this is how students learn.

If you're shy and will be at home/labor center, then fewer people will probably help you feel comfortable.

However, as PPs have said, it might seem everyone in the hospital gets a show anyway.

You could always ask your doula what the shadow will be allowed to do and if you can meet/interview her at an appointment. Chances are she'll just observe, fetch ice chips for you, and offer encouragement if asked. She may even be in alignment with your views on birth, making her just one more advocate on your team for your and LO's preffered birth experience.

carafern · October 2014

I had this same experience! My doula asked and I said the other doula could certainly come to our prenatal appointments and then "we'll see". I felt very protective at first and didn't want another person.

However, we just had our last prenatal appointment this afternoon and I'm pretty comfortable having Lara (the shadow doula) come to the birth. I like her, and I think an extra set of hands could be helpful. She is also simply shadowing, she's taken a backseat to my doula (I guess that is what shadowing is!) so I don't even know if I'll notice her much when in active labor. If I didn't feel comfortable around her, I would have said so and I know for sure that my doula would have understood. In short, I agree with PPs that you should go with your gut.

SkateyC · October 2014

You could always agree to have her 'shadow' a prenatal appt with you, and see how you feel after meeting her.

But if you already know you're not feeling comfortable with her at the birth (and it sounds like that's the case), just say no. You can just say it's important to you to keep things low-key and you want to limit the number of people.

I've been on the other end of that scenario as the student, and trust me, she'll know it's nothing personal. That's part of being a doula - respecting women's wishes for their births. She won't be offended.

Doula question - should I allow a shadow?

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