Dad (grandfather) in the delivery room?!

AubriasMomma113 · October 2014

I'm going to be induced on Wednesday (hopefully it works) but my mom just kinda invited my dad and my sister to be in the room while I'm pushing the baby out, she didn't even ask me if it was okay first. I don't feel comfortable with that. I told them the other day idk where my dad plans on standing so he doesn't see anything n he just kept saying "outside the door" (I don't think he even wants to be in there, my mom just wants him to be bc she thinks it'll hurt his feelings if I don't let him) and my mom used the argument "he's already seen it, he changed your diaper" that is totally different and can't even be used as a valid argument! I told her he hasn't done that recently, it's different now that I'm an adult. And I know that when I tell my mom I only want her and SO in the room she's going to get mad. But I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on exactly how I should break the news without upsetting anyone??
(I have a problem with trying to keep everyone happy and not wanting to hurt people's feelings)

silverwings72 · October 2014

Honestly, it is my opinion that if it is my vagina then I make the rules. Period. I wouldn't even entertain her thoughts that it's ok. Stay firm and let her know that you're not comfortable. Very time she brings it up be more and more firm. Also, I would tell your Dad as well just to prevent any miscommunication. It doesn't have to be rude, just honest.

Disneygeek77 · October 2014

Well I kinda think you will eventually have to come to terms with upsetting one or both of them. It happens. This won't be the last time they will be disappointed with a decision you are making. That's ok and it isn't the end of the world. I honestly believe it is part of growing up. I know I have had to upset my parents and so has my husband. Trust me, they will get over it.

I would just say that this is what you both want. If she gets mad, oh well.

AnnieRoo13 · October 2014

That would make me really uncomfortable. I agree with @silverwings72‌ - your vagina, your rules. Don't feel badly, you're having a baby and don't need to be concerned with hurting someone's feelings. Also, I would guess your dad is just as uncomfortable as you are, he'll probably be relieved not to be in the room.

TC0514 · October 2014

First of all..I would tell my mom it's not her place to be picking who gets to be in the room. I would say no one but DH is going to be there if she keeps
It up.

AubriasMomma113 · October 2014

Thank you all so much!! I am like a mess of nerves right now and having some support for you ladies is helping so much!
The hospital allows 4 people in there n I made the mistake of telling her that when I found out lol
But she is like crazy grandma or something! She wants to have control over as much as possible n I think she's forgetting that I'm the one having the baby. When I announced to my family about being induced her and my dad got mad because they wanted me to wait until after the baby was here to tell anyone because they're afraid of someone else taking their places in the delivery room and stuff. But I couldn't not tell my family I want to share this with them! It's my first baby and everyone is so excited. It's just tough dealing with pushy controlling family members.

MrsG1019 · October 2014

Oh I would have a major issue with so many aspects of that. Your mom definitely crossed the line by inviting an audience into the room during an intimate moment in your life. The decision as to who is in there should be yours and SO's and no one else. The birth of your child shouldn't be a spectator sport, and certainly not a decision someone else makes.

jaminjeff · October 2014

Two of my sisters let my dad be in the room while they gave birth (5 kids between them) after of course they had let my mom with another kid. he stood up by their head for the birth. That being said if you're not comfortable with it, do like everyone said and have the nurses tell them that only two people are allowed in the room, even if it's not true :-)

absolutelymaybe · October 2014

Honestly, it doesn't sound like your dad is going to be all that hurt. You just need to be firm with your mom and tell her you don't feel comfortable with it (end of story) and if she keeps pushing the matter she will find herself out in the hallway with him.

While using hospital restrictions as an excuse would work, I'm a fan of actually standing up for yourself. Your body, your birth, your decision!

jj0313 · October 2014

Not related but my friend told me the other day her dad filmed the birth! I was like, what?!? The baby actually coming out?!? And she looked at me like I had two heads for thinking that might be awkward.

Op, stand your ground. I've just been telling my family that our birthing classes gave DH a lot of time to reflect on what we saw the process looking like for us and that we both agree we want as few people in the room as possible. My family has been totally understanding but Im sorry you are dealing with this. Tell her she is going to get the boot too if she can't get with the program.

Kristy774 · October 2014

I just think having my dad in the room would be so weird for me personally so I feel the same way for others. I also can't believe your mom was like "he's already seen it anyway, he's changed your diapers" WHAT?!? It's totally different once your out of diapers.

MalachiteDrake · October 2014

Yeah, beyond the issue of your comfort level in the delivery room (which should be all that matters), it sounds like you need to start setting boundaries for her role as grandmother (not mother to the new baby). If she feels like she has the right to dictate your pregnancy/labor experience (from what you've said about her being upset about the induction), then she'll think she's right if you don't put a stop to it now. She'll keep pushing and trying to take over until you push back and make it clear where the boundaries of your new family are. Good luck!

moroccojade · October 2014

Just be honest. Your labour might not be as productive as you want it to be if you feel like you have to hold back. You want that baby to come out as smoothly as possible.

Personally, I would LOVE to have my dad to be with me during labour (and no one else! lol. That man keeps me calm and laughing and has never spoken one harsh word to me in 39 years.) Although even I understand not wanting my dad to have a front row seat to my crotch during birth.

JFH2010 · October 2014

Oh my god, I can't imagine having my dad there. But I'm also in the camp that doesn't want anyone but DH and my midwives/nurses there. It's probably the most vulnerable moment of your life. Anything that could make you feel awkward, uncomfortable or self-conscious is a big fat no. Sounds like your mom has some major boundary issues and you're going to want to nip that in the bud asap.

AubriasMomma113 · October 2014

You're all absolutely right!!
(I'm new to this so I'm confused as to how to reply individually Idk if I do it right lol)

I never even thought of it as she's just super excited lol but you're probably right! We have a lot of issues with her disagreeing with decisions I've chosen for my baby.

I started talking to her about it and at first she was totally understanding, surprisingly. Until it came to her wanting my sister in the room too. I also don't want her in the room because of the way she's treated me this whole pregnancy. She's hurt my feelings a lot and won't talk to me about it when I mention it to her but now my mom is mad because I won't change my mind and she says it's going to hurt my sisters feelings. So now my mom is threatening to not even come into the room with us.. She said I need to talk to my sister in person about it but yet when my sister has hurt my feelings my mom doesn't even tell her to text me n talk to me about it..
I stress way to much over stuff with my parents. I let them get to me too much. I'm Hoping they don't stress me out on Wednesday.

AubriasMomma113 · October 2014

If I take too long to reply or if I don't reply I'm not being rude I either fell asleep or my phones being a pain lol

kaimee27 · October 2014

AubriasMomma113 said:

You're all absolutely right!! (I'm new to this so I'm confused as to how to reply individually Idk if I do it right lol) I never even thought of it as she's just super excited lol but you're probably right! We have a lot of issues with her disagreeing with decisions I've chosen for my baby. I started talking to her about it and at first she was totally understanding, surprisingly. Until it came to her wanting my sister in the room too. I also don't want her in the room because of the way she's treated me this whole pregnancy. She's hurt my feelings a lot and won't talk to me about it when I mention it to her but now my mom is mad because I won't change my mind and she says it's going to hurt my sisters feelings. So now my mom is threatening to not even come into the room with us.. She said I need to talk to my sister in person about it but yet when my sister has hurt my feelings my mom doesn't even tell her to text me n talk to me about it.. I stress way to much over stuff with my parents. I let them get to me too much. I'm Hoping they don't stress me out on Wednesday.

Oh no way! Your mom needs to back off. She's the one who wrongly invited your dad and sister into your birthing room-that's like inviting along your own guest when you're staying at someone else's house. Since your mom invited your sister, she can just go right on ahead and un-invite her. If your mom is going hold hold her support over your head to make you do what she wants you to, then maybe she's not the best person to have in the birthing room with you anyways. At this point, I wouldn't be too worried about her feelings/your sister's feelings. They obviously haven't been too concerned with yours up until this point. I can completely understand not wanting to make any family rifts-and I think that it's great you want to keep the peace, but I would be honest with your mom on how you feel at this point. It sounds like you care about everyone's feelings, so I'm sure you'll be able to do it in a tactful way.

ETA: I'm sorry you're going through this. The extra stress really stinks at a time when you just want to be happy. I hope everything works out really well with your birth and your family!

jj0313 · October 2014

Out of curiosity, how old are you?? I'm just kind of flabbergasted by this expectation that your labor be an immediate, nuclear family experience. She should be flattered you are letting her be there!

minibean16 · October 2014

AubriasMomma113 said:
You're all absolutely right!!
(I'm new to this so I'm confused as to how to reply individually Idk if I do it right lol)

SNIP

I can't give you any more advice than the previous ladies, because they have it all covered. I can help with the replying though! The 'reply' button actually doesn't work. You need to hit 'quote,' which will bring up the previous statement, as above. Or you can directly speak to someone by @ "username" like this: @AubriasMomma113‌ This will also let them know you've sent them a message.

jlove253 · October 2014

knitsmagee said:
I'm also in the your vagina, your decision camp.

~Snip~

I lol-ed when I read that first as "I'm also in your vagina..." Hahaa!

Anyways, OP just remember that you aren't doing anything wrong, and I think that will help make these continued discussions easier. And I agree that setting boundaries now will help you when dealing with your mom as "grandma" in the (near) future.

kikimeemee · October 2014

Yikes -- your mom should be booted out of the room for inviting others into it. Ick!

This is a scenario where you should be an adult and respectfully say what YOU want. No apology needed.

Crazy grandma or not, it's time to start doing what you think is right and stop worrying abt other people's feelings when not warranted.

There's enough to stress abt but I don't believe this scenario is one. Save yourself the trouble!

TC0514 · October 2014

Well like I said before- if she keeps this behavior up Id be telling her NO ONE but SO/DH are in the room. Maybe you should go ahead and just tell her that now.. Let her know you and your husband have decided its just best for no one to be in there since you don't want to pick and choose and end up hurting dad, mom, or sisters feelings. Really it's such a special moment you want the most relaxing atmosphere.. Good luck!

shan24 · October 2014

I agree with PP. She's trying to bully you into getting her way by holding her attendance at the birth over you're head. I'd be telling her that she can be happy with your decision or she can stay out, too.

I get the pressure to not want to hurt feelings, though. My mom assumed that she would be there for LO's birth but I had decided a long time ago that I only wanted SO in the room with me. She was a little shocked when I told her and dropped hints quite regularly about me changing my mind the closer it got, but I was firm with her. Kind, but firm. I don't know if she got over it, but she's stopped mentioning it.

jac409 · October 2014

I think it's really nice that you don't want to hurt feelings. I wouldn't either, but at the same time you have to stand up for yourself. Your mom sounds like she is very pushy and controlling. Personally, I wouldn't want someone like that in my delivery room. There might be times when you need to make tough decisions during labor and those should be up to you and DH, not your mom or anyone else. Good luck with this whole situation. These types of posts make me glad our families are all a plane ride away and won't even be in the state, let alone the delivery room for my delivery.

joshua+rebecca11 · October 2014

I totally agree with what people have already said - your body, your birth, your decision. No way is anyone allowed in the room unless you say so. Even if your mom knows that four people are allowed in the room, you can still tell the nurses who you do/don't want in there, and they will keep them out!
Also, are you sure you want your mom in there? If she is being this controlling before labor, what is she going to do when your in labor and emotionally vulnerable?!!
You might have to stand your ground here, if you let her control you now, if will only get worse when there is a baby in the picture.

krgriffin26 · October 2014

I say it's up to you who is in there. I told DH a long time ago that if you didn't make me or this baby, you're not going to be in the delivery room. At first he got a little upset because I had invited my mother to be in the room with us and said that MIL would need to be in the waiting room. But my vag, my rules. He agrees now and since my mom can no longer make it by delivery, it will just be DH and I. (Sadly I would ask my dad to be in there before MIL. It's not happening but that's just how much I would really prefer MIL to not be there)

howin23 · October 2014

My feeling is always "You're gonna have to offend somebody." My dad actually said when hubby and I were planning out wedding that our choices (e.g., food, receiving line, guest list) would inevitably upset some friends and relatives and we might as well start with my parents because they'd get over it. And your mother will get over it.

The diapers argument is ridiculous. Of course our parents saw us naked when we were little. And we probably saw them too. But that is totally different now. When my dad was in the hospital and couldn't get up to pee, my husband helped him and I left the room. That's just how it goes. It's not normal for a father to see his daughter's vagina after the age of maybe 3 (or 4 or whatever). You need to stand up for yourself now or it will just get worse.

akatiegrl · October 2014

you've already been given a lot of good advice. i would just add, if the hospital policy is 4, my understanding is your Dr still has the final say. so you can always ask your Dr to be the bad guy and limit the number during the delivery. my Dr offered to do that for me at any time if I want her to, and I would imagine most any Dr would do the same. I'm pretty sure they prefer less people anyways!

AubriasMomma113 · October 2014

Thank you all so much!! I am so happy with the support I've gotten! You all helped me tell my mom and keep it peaceful surprisingly she was more understanding than I thought she would be. Or at least she didn't let me know she was too pissed off lol but if they stress me out at all tomorrow they will all be leaving me alone all day I'm already nervous enough as it is. I need to stay calm and have positive thoughts. I'll definitely have my dr be the bad guy hahah she would do it too. Sorry I took so long to reply we've had a crazy day preparing last minute things for tomorrow. I'm so anxious! Lol and I am 20, I'll be 21 in December. (My parents have never wanted to accept the fact that I've grown up)
Oh! And get this!!!
My sister literally asked me this morning if my daughter will be calling her boyfriend "uncle B" (his name is Brett) but the kicker is they've only been dating for a week!!! Am I wrong for thinking that is absolutely absurd??
And would it be awful of me if I got mad if she invites him to sit with my family and close friends tomorrow as I'm in labor? And if she invites him in to see my daughter after she's born tomorrow?? Like maybe the next day or something but the day I've given birth?? Idk it just seems more like a personal family close friend thing. Like I barely know him.. It's just a little uncomfortable that she's trying to push him on me. (She also thinks she loves him already and she calls him her other half.)
Lol I seriously have a crazy family!! Sorry if I'm venting too much. I probably sound annoying lol

lesliegolem · October 2014

I just have to say you have gotten some great advice on here!! I'm actually going to steal some of it for myself lol. My MIL just called telling me I better call her as soon as I am in labor because she wants to be there when the baby is born. Oi vey!

Any who yea agree hell no to the Uncle thing! He should also not be waiting at the hospital at all. This is your day and you're going to be uncomfortable as is, you don't need "uncle B" who you barely know around. Hoestly with my first my BIL was there who I strongly dislike and he didn't want to be there either, all he did was take up space playing on his phone. But my SIL pushed him to be there and included. So chances are your sister's boyfriend won't want to be there anyway. If she pushes him you'll have to put your foot down.

Also don't feel bad for venting! Think a lot of us are there with the family trying to push things their way. My advice is just don't let them! I did with my first and completely regret it.

Tempi · October 2014

I know I'm late to this post, but one of the things that really stuck with me was that the birth process is all about relaxation as well. I was told to think of being in a mindset that helped us get pregnant in the first place, so make it as intimate as possible. For me, this was NOT having anyone else in the room who didn't have to be there (aka DH and the midwives, nurses and OB) - I wouldn't want family in the room when we were in bed, so not when baby arrives either!

That said, I have a very opinionated stepmother and I know how hard it can be to toe the line between not causing offense and keeping your own sanity! Good luck!

howin23 · October 2014

Hmm, how long has your sister known this guy? My initial reaction was, "Hell no, she can text him a picture of the baby, and he won't be called uncle. They'll probably have split by the time the baby can talk anyway." But then I thought maybe it's a guy she's been friends with for a while and they just started dating? That's the only circumstance where I might include him.

But again, do what is right for you! Don't worry about silly things like a "boyfriend" wanting to be there...and he probably doesn't even want to anyway honestly.

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