Vent/Advice needed very long sorry

sjames2 · October 2014

I met with a really old friend of mine today. She has a DD who is 12 and a DS who is 3. We don't get together much as our lives are totally different from eachother, and I just don't have any friends who actually want to meet much.

tamarar5 · October 2014

I completely get not having friends who can get together. My BFF lives in Arizona. I haven't seen her since she got married the first time when C was 18 months old. My

sjames2 · October 2014

The sad thing with my 2 friends is that one lives in the same town and the other lives 20 minutes away. I do have another friend in California, but she comes to visit every few months.

mrr5058 · October 2014

I'm struggling with friends as well! I definitely suggest MOPS. I just started going to MOPS I my area and at first it was ackward but even after the first meeting I felt so much better. It feels so isolating but I'm sure there are so many moms in your area feeling the same way! Sometimes you just have to go for it and be the one to step outside your comfort zone! I also notice with my current friend that I am usually the one initiating meet ups and while it was annoying at first I just do it now because I've realized they expect me I be the planner now.

sjames2 · October 2014

Wow I totally didn't realize that my entire thread was deleted. Ugh. It was long. Boooo. Thank you everyone.

djm31012 · October 2014

I did not get to read the post but assuming its a post about having difficulty making friends, try to put yourself out there. Join mom groups, library story time and take the initiative to set plans. Try to find 2-3 moms through those venues and start a weekly play group or get together at a park. Can you join like a Gymboree type place or mommy and me yoga? Thats another great way to meet people. Do you have young people on your block? You could put invitations for coffee and bagels at your house one morning and have them all over...or even friday night cocktails. Whoever comes comes. I think the big thing is dont wait to be included, plan things yourself.

sjames2 · October 2014

So my vent had to do with what she had said to me. She's making me question my parenting. I really should just learn to ignore her but she got in my head yesterday.
I do always initiate the get togethers with friends but 99% of the time they back out at the last minute.
1. DD has pulled her diaper off twice around 30 minutes before bedtime. When I mentioned this to my friend along with showing her funny pictures, she told me that "DD is 20 months old, you should have been potty training months ago and the reason she is taking her diaper off is she is telling you she's ready for potty training". DD has never told me that she wanted her diaper changed and to get her to sit still for a diaper change is like pulling teeth. I think if I let her, she would happily go all day without a diaper change. I don't think she is even close to being ready. I also mentioned that we at TTC and was worried about a regression when we do have another. Her response "there is no such thing as a regression people just say that". Now I know there can be one and it worries me.
2. We were talking about how picky our kids are when it comes to eating. She has a 12 year old and a 3 year old. DH is mad because I won't give DD chocolate milk or juice instead of water. I don't want DD to only want milk if it's chocolate so she won't taste it till she is drinking regular milk without problems. Juice is too sugary and she doesn't need it. She gets to have some if we are at a hotel or a few drinks every once in awhile if I have some. Plus she loves water. My friend said that I was hurting my child by not letting her have juice or chocolate milk. I don't want to set my daughter up to be obese. DH and I are both big. IMO DH is extremely obese. I love him but he needs to lose weight bad. He refuses to eat fruits and vegetables, he drinks a pop with every meal plus 1-2 between meals. He eats candy all day long as well. And he doesn't exercise at all. I'm not perfect. I have 1 pop a day if that. I also eat candy but not all day long. Darn Snickers minis.
After typing it all out again I know my child and I will do what's right when I feel it.

Rynleigh · October 2014

I am sorry your friend is an asshat.

Rynleigh · October 2014

I have no advice. Just reassurance that you're doing just fine. You care about your child's health, which is great. You care about her adjusting to a sibling, which is considerate and kind. While I am all on board with starting to get kids familiar with the potty just as soon as they start walking, you should still be able to vent without getting a lecture over diapering a child who isn't yet two years old - even early potty training isn't a guarantee that a 20mo old child is going to be capable of the control over her bodily functions... and regardless of the kid's "readiness", cleaning up after a kid who chooses to randomly be naked is a pain in the ass. Both of my almost 21mo old boys use the potty at least three or four times a day... they *still* love to get naked, pee on things, smear poo on stuff, and laugh about it -_-

djm31012 · October 2014

If thats really the way the conversation went, then I am sorry but your friend is a moron. Most of us are no where NEAR potty training. They are 20 months old. And I agree with PP...it sounds like she is super insecure about what she gives her children and she is trying to justify it. DS loves water and asks for it....so I never offer juice. He drinks 2 cups of milk a day and one time i gave him Horizon Vanilla Milk but that was it. He drinks water. He likes water, so why would I encourage other wise? Eventually he will be a juice drinker and thats fine too, but for now-who cares what I choose to let my child drink, especially if its the healthier option. I say distance yourself for her and dont be so quick to share your parenting style. its a shame, but it sounds like she isnt very good at handling it!

sjames2 · October 2014

Thank you everyone. I was way more upset last night. She and I have been friends for 25+ years. Our lives are very different always have been. We didn't talk much for quite a few years do to our lives being so different. We have recently reconnected and I have been able to ignore her ideas of parenting. For instance, she started her kids on cereal at 2 months. And FF at 10 months. Something yesterday just got to me. I do look to her for some advice but usually can filter the crap out of it for my own good. I know she is a good mom, just with a different parenting style than mine. Her DS who is 3 loves to play with DD, and they get along great.
Potty training, I have to get DH to agree to get a potty which I have been trying to do for a month now. And yes juice or chocolate milk once in awhile isn't going to make her obese, I want to be able to I still better eating habits than DH and I have had in the past.
Thank you all again. I will continue to do what I think is best. And look to you all for advice.

Rosebean · October 2014

I get that it's hard because here you have a "friend" who: a) you want to keep as a friend without risk of losing that friendship and b) she is completely making you feel inept as a parent.

My question to you is this. If you were to say to her "look, I get that you have your beliefs that I should potty train at this time and should serve my child juice/chocolate milk. However, I think as we move forward, you and I will have all sorts of different parenting techniques, and I have no interest in making you feel inadequate... Nor myself feel inadequate because of those differences. I don't ever want to make you feel that way and I am certain as my friend, you don't intend to make me feel that way either. But that was how I felt at our last conversation. So I telling you how it made me feel and I hope we can figure out a way to share the joys and trials of raising our children without going through this again. How can we change the dynamics of our discussions around our children so that we can avoid hurt feelings?"

One of two things will happen here. Either she will back down and concede... Or her pride will be worth more to her than your friendship with her. At least then you will know where you really stand with her. I think we are all too old to keep "friends" in our back pockets when we could be spending time with real ones who actually give a shit.

ericalee27 · October 2014

Rynleigh said:

I am sorry your friend is an asshat.

Seriously. I had so much eye-rolling going on reading your friend's comments to you.

jenniferraborn · October 2014

I am still working on potty training my 2.5 year old foster son (who refuses to poop on the potty which is loads of fun). My Feb baby sits on the potty for fun but is WAY more likely to pee in her diaper or the other day sit on the potty and pee on my floor when she gets off....yeah....potty training.....maybe next summer? lol.

And....she has had a sip of MY chocolate milk a few times and we don't really do juice just because I don't buy it. That said...I honestly don't think I judge what other people feed their children / give them to drink...I think it is ALL about moderation. I'm doing good to keep mine fed , healthy, and relatively happy. lol

tamarar5 · October 2014

I agree your friend is probably insecure so she's trying to make herself feel better by putting you down.

I wouldn't feel bad about not giving chocolate milk or juice. We don't serve chocolate milk other than birthdays. And even though I give my kids juice, it's at a 1/3 strength! But that is just my personal choice. You are not depriving you're kids at all.

You're doing great, mama!

Rosebean · October 2014

FTR, one of my friends started serving her son chocolate milk between the ages of 1-2. I distinctly remember going over to her house and them asking him if he wanted his "choco" and filling up his bottle with it. Then they told me how it was all the same nutrients as regular milk... Blah blah blah. This was 10 years ago and I had no children then and even I knew what they were doing was not good. He refused regular milk and why in the world would you ever show your child that they have an alternative to regular whole milk at that age. (Unless you are out somewhere as a treat... And even then, I would probably cut it with regular milk). A few months ago, my friends hubby brought the whole chocolate milk escapade up with me and told me it was one of the biggest mistakes they made for him. It did so much damage to his teeth.

fignewt74 · October 2014

Absolutely trust your instincts, be confident and tell your friend that is what YOU are choosing. If she is going to be bold enough to judge your parenting, then you can be bold enough to explain yourself and stick to your guns. You guys have been friends for a while, and your friendship can handle a little brutal truth.

Both of these issues (when to potty train, if you allow juice in your house) are personal, and differ from parent to parent - its not right or wrong. You can potty train when you want. You can offer juice when you want. Your choice, not her choice. Just let her know and she will hopefully back off.

Amstreagle · October 2014

Wow! Your friend sounds like a winner! I feel like she is trying to put your parenting down to make herself feel superior.
You are your children's parent and know what's best for them. A lot of people have opinions about others parenting style and quite frankly it's no ones business how you decide to raise your kids. You are doing a great job so don't let some self righteous jerk tell you that you aren't!

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