Uncomfortable baby shower...

gdaniels77 · October 2014

This is my first time starting a discussion, but I've been tossing and turning all night with anxiety about my baby shower today and I'm hoping you gals might have some similar situations and advice on how to take it in stride. So the title might be a bit misleading because it hasn't happened YET, but I really can't see it turning out any way but awkward. Sorry in advance for the TL;DR rant but I'm just so nervous about the whole thing.

Here's the deal- my SIL is throwing my baby shower today in the city I grew up in. It's about 2 hrs of a drive from where I live, but almost all of my family and close friends are out that way. It's being held at a family friend's house and my mom pretty much coordinated the whole thing but she knew it was bad etiquette for her as my mother to host the shower.
The thing is, not only did they not invite any of MH's family, but specifically went out of their way to make sure my MIL was NOT invited. My mom originally claimed it was because she expected someone to throw me another shower in the town I live in (which is where most of MH's family is), but it took very little prying to get her to admit that all parties involved in the planning of this one didn't invite her because they flat out don't like her. She's not a bad person by any means, they just think she's weird and annoying. And yes, she's definitely a little different, but to purposefully exclude the other new grandmother when (if we're following proper "etiquette" here) it's pretty customary for both to be there, is very immature to me.
I tried to get them to please just suck it up and invite her, because she kept asking me if she was invited because she was so excited about it. Apparently this fueled the fire for them not wanting to invite her, but my mom reassured me that she would take care of it and message MIL to explain why she wasn't invited because *insert bullshit lies here*, because she didn't want pregnant me to stress about anything. Instead, my mom has been constantly guilt-tripping me about asking for the situation to be handled- either invite MIL or they talk to her- and taking the side of her friend whose house it's at who basically said if my MIL has to come they'll have to find another person's house altogether.
Finally last week I ended up having a big argument with my mom because MIL actually came to me crying and asking why she hadn't been invited and if they hate her. My mom said I was blaming her for my problems (when really I was just asking her what I was supposed to tell the lady without seeming like the villain myself) and I told her if they wanted to run the party their way without any consideration for what I wanted (at MY baby shower) they could just have the shower without me there. Dramatic, I know, but... Come on people. Somehow that worked and they sent an invitation to my MIL last minute, all the while reminding me how much they'll hate if she actually shows up.

Well guess what? Of course she is going. She's actually been gushing about it. Absolutely clueless of the way my mom, SIL, stepmom, and the friend are probably going to be treating her. MH has already begged me to stick up for her there if they start acting like a bunch of mean girls. And the thing is I know she is going to say things that are annoying to all of us, she can't help it, where I have learned to just ignore it, but I just know they will either be pulling me aside and telling me how horrible it is or directly being rude to her about it. Maybe even make her cry.

I'll just cut it short there because I accidentally just wrote a novel. I honestly feel like I'm going to court today, not a party celebrating my own baby. So what I'm trying to ask is, how can I try to deflect the situation and keep it happy? What if it does turn ugly or just plain uncomfortable? When I get put in situations like that I either start joking very awkwardly or just go hide under a rock. Do you ladies have any advice on how to handle it with grace or how you handled similar predicaments? I am seriously a ball of nerves right now.

ebl2 · October 2014

If it were me I would call your mother and tell her that rude behavior will not be tolerated toward your MIL. She is the new grandparent too and has every right to be there. If the only reason why they don't want her there is because she can be annoying that's ridiculous. She means well. Tell them for your sake to suck it up for the day.

possitivethoughts · October 2014

Wow. I am so sorry you are being placed in this position! If anything your mother has no consideration for YOU! Why place you between a rock and a hard place?? She needs to learn to be civil and understand that your MIL is also a grandmother to your child.. Wether she likes it or not. I would stand up for your MIL if anyone makes her feel uncomfortable .. How would your mom feel if it was the other way around?

mcr957 · October 2014

That is an incredibly uncomfortable situation your mother is putting you in and I would definitely stand up for my MIL in that case. I would put it out there to your mother at the beginning of the shower before things get out of hand. I also agree that it may make your MIL feel more comfortable if you had a close friend or two stay close to her during the shower to make sure she's not isolated.

CandEChicago · October 2014

gdaniels77 said:
This is my first time starting a discussion, but I've been tossing and turning all night with anxiety about my baby shower today and I'm hoping you gals might have some similar situations and advice on how to take it in stride. So the title might be a bit misleading because it hasn't happened YET, but I really can't see it turning out any way but awkward. Sorry in advance for the TL;DR rant but I'm just so nervous about the whole thing.

Here's the deal- my SIL is throwing my baby shower today in the city I grew up in. It's about 2 hrs of a drive from where I live, but almost all of my family and close friends are out that way. It's being held at a family friend's house and my mom pretty much coordinated the whole thing but she knew it was bad etiquette for her as my mother to host the shower.
The thing is, not only did they not invite any of MH's family, but specifically went out of their way to make sure my MIL was NOT invited. My mom originally claimed it was because she expected someone to throw me another shower in the town I live in (which is where most of MH's family is), but it took very little prying to get her to admit that all parties involved in the planning of this one didn't invite her because they flat out don't like her. She's not a bad person by any means, they just think she's weird and annoying. And yes, she's definitely a little different, but to purposefully exclude the other new grandmother when (if we're following proper "etiquette" here) it's pretty customary for both to be there, is very immature to me.
I tried to get them to please just suck it up and invite her, because she kept asking me if she was invited because she was so excited about it. Apparently this fueled the fire for them not wanting to invite her, but my mom reassured me that she would take care of it and message MIL to explain why she wasn't invited because *insert bullshit lies here*, because she didn't want pregnant me to stress about anything. Instead, my mom has been constantly guilt-tripping me about asking for the situation to be handled- either invite MIL or they talk to her- and taking the side of her friend whose house it's at who basically said if my MIL has to come they'll have to find another person's house altogether.
Finally last week I ended up having a big argument with my mom because MIL actually came to me crying and asking why she hadn't been invited and if they hate her. My mom said I was blaming her for my problems (when really I was just asking her what I was supposed to tell the lady without seeming like the villain myself) and I told her if they wanted to run the party their way without any consideration for what I wanted (at MY baby shower) they could just have the shower without me there. Dramatic, I know, but... Come on people. Somehow that worked and they sent an invitation to my MIL last minute, all the while reminding me how much they'll hate if she actually shows up.

Well guess what? Of course she is going. She's actually been gushing about it. Absolutely clueless of the way my mom, SIL, stepmom, and the friend are probably going to be treating her. MH has already begged me to stick up for her there if they start acting like a bunch of mean girls. And the thing is I know she is going to say things that are annoying to all of us, she can't help it, where I have learned to just ignore it, but I just know they will either be pulling me aside and telling me how horrible it is or directly being rude to her about it. Maybe even make her cry.

I'll just cut it short there because I accidentally just wrote a novel. I honestly feel like I'm going to court today, not a party celebrating my own baby. So what I'm trying to ask is, how can I try to deflect the situation and keep it happy? What if it does turn ugly or just plain uncomfortable? When I get put in situations like that I either start joking very awkwardly or just go hide under a rock. Do you ladies have any advice on how to handle it with grace or how you handled similar predicaments? I am seriously a ball of nerves right now.

amedbery · October 2014

I agree with PPs - I'm assuming you'll have at least one ally there who actually cares about you. Assign that person to talk to MIL and to deflect any comments from your family. Maybe I'm harsh, but I would let my mom, SIL, and others know that MIL is part of my life and my child's and that as long as she behaved and they didn't, that they were going to have to be left out of things because I wouldn't ever want my child to be around their negativity (or to learn to be an asshole by their example). Starting today. They are grown women and today is about you and not their petty bullshit.

Pros521 · October 2014

Is it possible for your husband to attend? You shouldn't have to deal with such childish behavior today or any day.
I agree that you should have a conversation with all the people involved and have them take a step back for the day. They can do all the gossiping and complaining they want when the shower is over

kirstey728 · October 2014

I would put my foot down and let my mother and family know that your MIL is part of you so being rude to her is a direct insult to you. I seriously hate that. If a group of people can't get along for a max amount of 5 hours time to celebrate a life coming into this world, that's just ridiculous..... Not to mention selfish.

jessinaround · October 2014

If things do get rough, I would absolutely stand up for your MIL. It sounds like she has done nothing wrong. I hope it doesn't get to that point. Tell your mom that she needs to be in charge of keeping the mean girl group in check. You expect them all to act like polite adults.
Good luck!

LinziLoo09 · October 2014

I agree with everyone else. A quick warning to your mom and her friends that all you ask is that everyone be polite and nice to one another. They're adults, and this event is about your family and the baby, not about their drama.

Trust me, if my parents --- who went to court 14 times in 10 years over various divorce/child support/alimony disputes, among other family dramas --- could shut up and smile and co-walk me down the aisle, ANYONE can hold it together and get along for a few hours.

They need to grow up and give you a good day. I hope it turns out so much better than you anticipate!

ColoradoBoat · October 2014

How immature! I agree with PPs that as grown ups we should be able to handle anyone for a couple of hours. I can't believe they put u in this situation! Definitely call and explain that mom needs to be a grown up for ur sake, and if there r issues, u will take MILs side. You can also remind mom that this is hopefully the first of many wonderful celebrations that will involve all ur loved ones in ur child's life, and that she/they might as well start learning how to deal/get along with ur MIL. Best of luck and hope u r able to have fun! Let us know how it goes n fingers crossed all this angst is for nothing!!

Mikesfan · October 2014

I think you are very commendable for writing this and despite knowing your MIL can have her annoying moments..you understand that she means well and doesn't deserve this treatment. You are looking out for her feelings and respecting her, when it would have been very easy to jump on the mean girl bandwagon as so many DIL can do. Obviously your family is acting very immature but there isn't much you can do to control other people. I really think its great the way you can see this objectively. I would stick by your MIL for most of the time at the party, if you can, and hope and pray that the other women involved act like adults and not children.

Cheekers2010 · October 2014

No advice other than what's already been said. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry for how uncomfortable this must be for you. I'd be so mad at my family for being such brats.

gdaniels77 · October 2014

Thank you all for the insight, I'm feeling a little more confident about how I'm going to handle it. Especially the suggestions and anecdotes about having a friend keep MIL company- I honestly wouldn't have thought of that even though I know my best friend will gladly help, years of dealing with socially awkward family members of her own have made her a pro at diffusing those kind of situations. I'm also going to get there early so I can give a talk to my mom and her friend (the main culprits) about acting like civilized human beings for just those few hours.
You ladies are awesome, and the shower is going to be great, it's got to be!

ginalisa28 · October 2014

This is crazy behavior of your mother to be this way. This is a sticky situation cause now if your mother in law goes it will be extremely awkward bc of your mother. This day is supposed to be about you entering into motherhood and your mother had turned it into a horrible situation. I would call her and vent your feelings and call bullshit on her part. Talk to your husband and how he feels cause next to uou he is the most important part of your life and you need to stick together with your husband and decide together what actions need to be taken.

Kmm1023 · October 2014

Good luck! Maybe also remind your mom that insulting his mother is going to damage her relationship with DH!

brittandjp · October 2014

Unfortunately for your mother, this day is not about her. It's not about her personal feelings about the guests. This is a shower for YOU and YOUR BABY!!!

I would be fuming if my family treated my MIL for the reasons you've described. I would definitely reiterate that you expect them to treat her the same way as every other guest and if they don't, well then... they would certainly know I was pissed off at them the entire time. Not only would it be awkward, but they're going to ruin the shower for you and that's just not fair. They need to get over their childish games.

I'm sorry.. and I hope it goes well today. Good luck!

Disneygeek77 · October 2014

This is what I would do. I would have MIL stay by me as much as possible, she would sit by me when we ate, she would sit by me when we opened presents, she would sit by me when we played games. Any time she wasn't by me, she would be with a thoughtful and understanding friend.

If mom, SIL or her lousy friend tried to talk to me in private, I would brush them off or say with a smile " I'm sorry you feel that way " and walk away.

I would send my mom the message that this woman will be in our lives. She will be there for holidays, she will be there for birthdays and she will be there for many, many other occasions. Time for your mom to go back to kindergarten and learn how to be polite and civil to those she doesn't get a long with.

Seriously, I would not tolerate this nonsense for one second.

Disneygeek77 · October 2014

Oh and I also wanted to say kudos to you for having the courage to stand up for your MIL. I know it is probably too late now, but if your Mom, SIL or her lousy friend give you or your MIL a hard time, I hope you look them straight in the face and tell them to shut their pie holes. They might try to throw the whole "" Waaaahhh, but look at this nice shower we threw for you " line, but all you owe them is a sincere thank you. You absolutely should not turn a blind eye to their bad behavior.

Again, I am glad you had the courage to say something to them and I don't think telling them you won't show up if your MIL wasn't invited is dramatic at all. I would have done the same thing because I don't suffer fools. I would also inform your mother that she needs to tell her friend to knock it off, because when it comes to your family, if you have to choose between your mom's friend and your MIL, well... her friend will lose every single time.

RaeChay · October 2014

Good luck to you- glad you are feeling a little better and have come up with some possible solutions.

The only thing I would add to the wonderful advice given by PP's: do be sure to have a heart to heart with your mother in the upcoming months about the fact that this is NOT the last time she is going to need to peacefully co-exist with your MIL.

She should've understood and accepted that fact back when you and your H got married, but it will be even more true now that you've got a kid on the way. There will be birthday parties, school functions, sports gatherings, etc and she will need to be civil to your MIL at every one of them. Your mom really needs to understand that like, yesterday.

ColeyCannoli · October 2014

I'm late to this but I hope your shower went really well despite all this childish drama. And I hope your MIL had a wonderful time too.

JCM285 · October 2014

I'm late to this also but just wanted to say I hope you had a great baby shower and that things went as smoothly for you as possible! :-)

perfectlove09 · October 2014

I've been out all day so just saw this. I hope you had a very wonderful shower!

Eora3 · October 2014

My mother has gone off the rails again so I am trying to focus on other people's drama (clearly a healthier use of my time. Lol). So please come back OP and update!! I am really hoping you had a totally beautiful shower, got everything you wanted, and your mom and mil got along perfectly.

SeeRealSky · October 2014

I'm a sloth also, and therefore late to this nonsense. I'm so very sorry that they put you through this unneeded stress, and I hope that the hostesses managed to be mature for your shower today.

gdaniels77 · October 2014

Thank you all for the well-wishes for yesterday, it's seems they did me a whole lot of good because the shower turned out wonderful. When I got there I told my mom, her friend, and my SIL that MIL was so excited for the day and that even if she got on their nerves, it was not their place to be rude or hurtful to anyone if no harm is caused by that person. At first I was worried because my mom made some sarcastic comment along the lines of "heaven forbid someone's feelings get hurt!" but they all ended up being very gracious to her.
And the friend of mine that was going to help me out with the situation didn't even have to go out of her way to do so, because MIL actually sought her out as a familiar face to stick by on her own.

I think what really did the trick was them seeing how much MIL already adores LO before even meeting her and how, though my mom still may not feel the same way, she views my family as an extension of me and therefore considers them part of her own family as well. Maybe the realization that her part as the other grandmother is just as important as my mom's, so why not share the experience together? I even heard my mom talking to her about possibly staying with my ILs after LO arrives if I want some space from her (she's taking 10 days off work to come stay with us)!

All in all, it turned out better than I could have imagined, and I so appreciate the kickass words of encouragement from everyone

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