Feeling sad and alone....(long) Update

StephanieLBerg · October 2014

For the last week, my hubby has been really irritable and quick to go from zero to pissed in no time at all, and I can't figure out why. I've been searching my mind for the last few days trying to figure out what I could have done, or said, to make him get so angry and frustrated so quickly over nothing.

Yesterday, while he was at work, a few of his coworkers were joking around with him; innocent gay jokes among straight men - harmless and common between him and friends actually. Only his coworkers aren't as close of friends with him as he thought because they took the joke a step further and got mean and rude with it concerning him; basically said he was disgusting and ugly, which hurt his feelings for sure. But then they decided to take it a step further than that by saying that they were surprised that he has a wife with a baby on the way because they can't see why any woman, muchless any man, would be attracted to him. Who the fuck says that to someone?

Later in the day, he gets a text from the husband of a friend of his, saying they signed a lease on a new place around where we live (which is about 45 miles away from where they are now) and that they were going to be moving soon. The husband seemed really happy and excited about this fact. My husband then gets a text from his friend asking who supplies the power and gas where we live; he tells her, end of conversation. About 10 minutes later he gets another text from the husband saying that since they are going to be closer to us now, he doesn't want my husband talking to her anymore. Now, she and my husband have been friends for over 20 years. Her husband has been in her life for maybe 10 years, we've only known him for about 2 years now. This really hurt my husbands feelings because he has never given her husband any reason to mistrust him when it comes to her. I asked him if he said anything, he said he told her, and she told him to just ignore her husband. How can you ignore an elephant in the room?

So, naturally, my husband always puts himself on the back burner at the expense of his own happiness, to try and keep everyone else happy. This pisses me off something fierce because by doing this, he lets people walk all over him and says NOTHING about it, but then comes home and vents to me. The venting I don't mind, we all have days where we just need to get things off our chests without judgement or argument. But it's when he decides to start flashing at me, and taking his anger and frustration out on me, because he won't do it to the people who cause it in the first place; to keep the peace, is where I draw the line. So, knowing this, I decided to say something to his friend. No one else sticks up for him when he really needs it and it bothers me, so I did. I wasn't yelling at her, or getting mean, or angry. I just told her that what her husband said to him really upset him and that it hurts him when anyone thinks of him as a home wrecker. Apparently, she got butthurt and started yelling at my husband, I don't know what she said, and in turn he yelled at me for meddling.

Now, the fact that I am already emotional being pregnant and all, I started crying because I felt bad for trying to do the right thing. I explained why I did what I did, and even let him read the message I sent to her, to prove that I wasn't trying to start shit. After that we both kind of just let it go, but I was still hurt by how he reacted.

Then tonight, I asked him to run to the grocery store to grab me some smores fixings. When he comes home I start pulling the stuff out of the bag and notice he got Hershey bars with almonds in them. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset, just confused, but assumed that the store had run out of the normal Hershey bars. So I proceeded to start making a couple smores and he notices that he got the wrong bars. I told him it was fine, that I didn't care, and he blew up at me for telling him it was ok when HE thought that I thought it obviously wasn't; stormed out and went to buy more bars at a different store. When he got back, he apologized for snapping at me, saying that WE need to stop biting each other's head's off because he's tired of fighting and doesn't want us reverting back to a very dark time in our relationship that happened 7-8 years ago.

Like I said, I've been searching and searching my brain, trying to find ANYTHING I might have said or done to piss him off at all, and I have been coming up empty. I know I haven't been moody because I've been making doubly sure not to be. I know I haven't been in a bad mood over anything for the same reason. So I don't know what or who is causing him to act this way again. Sadly, I really have no one else to talk to about it either because I don't trust any of our friends to not say anything to him, even when I ask them not to, because he doesn't like people knowing our personal lives or know that we are fighting; it's a pride issue I think.

So now I just have to sit here, sad and alone, unable to figure out why he's been treating me like crap the past few days because he doesn't want our friends to know that we aren't perfect.

*****************(Update)*****************

So hubby and I went out to dinner this evening and HE brought up his mood for the past couple days. He explained that he is just stressed, especially woth work, and when his friends husband pulled the shit he did, it just sent him over the edge. He said he appreciated me trying to stand up for him, he wasn't mad about that, he just wished I had told him I had done it before his friend had a chance to scream at him. I explained that I sent her the message, and literally less than a minute later she was screaming at him; I hadn't gotten a chance to prepare him first. I also voiced that I thought he needed to sit down with her and have a nice long chat about his position between her and her husband. I explained that the fact that her husband pulled the crap he did wasn't fair to him or his friend, but then for her to just tell my hubby to ignore him, is also not fair to my hubby. By her saying that, and her husband doing what he did, they both effectively pulled him into the middle of their marital problems; which is not fair to my hubby, but it's also not fair to me because I am the one who is taking the brunt of his emotions from it and it's starting to cause a problem in our relationship.

After a few minutes of silence, he said he understood where I was coming from and could see the wedge it was drriving between us. He then explained that he didn't really take my feelings, emotions, and position on the matter into account and that wasn't fair of him.

So, all in all we had a nice long chat through dinner. No one got angry, no one started a scene by yelling at the other person; we had a calm, open, and rational discussion. I know now that I wasn't causing him any stress, nor did I do anything wrong, I just was at the wrong place at the wrong time. And he apologized. So, thanks again ladies for letting me vent and for all the advice. I think he and I made some good progress tonight. :-)

maltwin1 · October 2014

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

My only suggestion would be to sit down with him and ASK him in a very non- confrontational way if you've done anything. Often times when my husband is upset with me I have no idea that I've even done anything. If I were trying to guess what it was I'd be totally lost.

Clearly he needs to open up, but maybe he needs you to be the one to just invite him to talk instead of trying to anticipate the problem and fix it for him to make it better. It sounds like he's been through a lot lately. Maybe you could try encouraging him to stand up for himself and reminding him that he is a loved and valued person instead of fighting his battles.

Good luck and I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon!

StephanieLBerg · October 2014

maltwin1 said:
I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

My only suggestion would be to sit down with him and ASK him in a very non- confrontational way if you've done anything. Often times when my husband is upset with me I have no idea that I've even done anything. If I were trying to guess what it was I'd be totally lost.

Clearly he needs to open up, but maybe he needs you to be the one to just invite him to talk instead of trying to anticipate the problem and fix it for him to make it better. It sounds like he's been through a lot lately. Maybe you could try encouraging him to stand up for himself and reminding him that he is a loved and valued person instead of fighting his battles.

Good luck and I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon!

Yea I know. I kinda tried to start that conversation yesterday after his initial blow up at me, but he just refused to open up. He said he appreciated that I stood up for him, because no one else does and he knows this, but then also said that his friend's marriage to her husband is already rocky, and that he doesn't want to be the one to cause it to fall apart. I explained that I understood, but at the same time, he can't keep taking shit from people. His response, "there's only 3 people in my life I would do this for; you, my sister, and her. Everyone else, I don't care." Well that was obviously not true because it's not just us 3 that he falls on the sword for, it's everyone!

CatLadyTX · October 2014

I agree with @maltwin1‌. I can also add from my experience that he might be stressed over the baby, and this is his way of letting the stress out. When things get ugly in my house and I sit my husband down, stress of baby/work/people is almost always the cause.

I hope you guys find some resolution soon. Until then, I offer hugs.

laurajj031 · October 2014

Sometimes my DH is working through stuff he doesn't share so I'm not stressed (which stresses me out but I appreciate his concern) I agree that the issue needs to be addressed. I would try maybe a more relaxing environment to slip in the conversation - my DH like to lay his head in my lap and let me play with his hair or sit in the floor and I will give a shoulder rub - it relaxes him so he doesn't take it as "we need to talk" and more of a conversation that just came up. Hope everything dies down soon

jennjilljo · October 2014

I agree with pps. DH and I have had to sit down many times in which the conversation started "honestly, you've been a dick lately. I feel like everything I do is wrong and like you're always made at me. I know this isn't my fault and I know that you're just stressed but if we don't talk about it our marriage suffers. " He got even worse before and leading up to DS getting here. This is a huge, stressful event for them too and they don't get the same support we do and can't always talk about how they feel or what's going on worth them.

That's how I found out some chick at work called him "fat Seth Rogen" and it caught on. He ignored it and diverted attention to someone else so it went away pretty quickly but it still hurt him and his pride. I will admit to making him cut out a friendship that had been going on for twice as long as we had known each other but that's because it was a toxic relationship. It's a long story but the first of it is that we would fight every time he would talk to her. Maybe the friend is going through something similar so it isn't your husband fault but it is still causing problems.

Hugs and I hope you guys cam work it out soon.

foxslaw · October 2014

Your DH & my BF sound like the same person. We are struggling with these issues too & the only advice I can give is just be your normal, considerate self. You can't spend your whole life walking on eggshells! It's exhausting. If he gets upset with you, it might not be a fun conversation, but I have had to insist that talking to me in that manner is NEVER acceptable. It might be best just to remove yourself from the a situation when he starts in on you, and come back to it when he cools off.

elephantsonpatrol · October 2014

My experience has been that men don't want to talk about problems unless it is to "fix" them.

I wouldn't fight his battles for him either - it'll only make him more self-conscious

Try and get out together today, just the two of you. Not to talk, just to spend time with each other

misskc2 · October 2014

I am sorry you are going through this!!! My FI and I had some of this lately too. I started therapy because it was so upsetting. It feels like maybe I was able to ignore it before and now I can't. But now we are feeding off each other and always at each other. Please know you are not alone. I convinced FI to come to therapy with me which is helping. I agree with PPs that this is a stressful time for men too. But that doesn't give them the right to take it out on us. Good luck!! Keep us posted!!!

AngieAn · October 2014

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with. I know this can't be easy for you. I just wanted to add that I agree with what all the PP's have said. I do know that this May also have nothing to do with you/what you did, but just him taking out his problems on you. It's sad, but it's always easiest to take our problems/ anger out on the one we love most. Be patient, and understanding, and let him come to you when he is ready. Sometimes they don't want us to fix anything, they just want us to listen and agree with them.

zooey1 · October 2014

Just tell him that you love him and if he need to talk to you about anything you always are going to b there ... Good luck

WanderingA · October 2014

This sounds really similar to what DH and I have gone through, too. We'll be doing really good and then I notice him getting snippy and short with me more often. I've learned that it's best for me to be completely open and straightforward with him telling him how he's making me feel. So..."I've noticed that you've been really stressed lately and you're taking it out on me. You need to be aware of it and stop that, I don't deserve to be treated that way." I know that he doesn't been to be a jerkwad and he always apologizes and steps up his good-husband game. Now if only he would learn to not do it in the first place!

Alygohome · October 2014

Whenever my husband talks snippy/ rude to me I calmly say, please don't use the tone with me, it makes me feel and he does the same with me. We started doing this in therapy a few years ago and it stuck. Honestly we maybe needed it once every few months but since I have been pregnany we have used it sometimes 3-4 times in one day! I think it's normal to be stressed with baby coming and we often take it out on our partners or vise versa without realizing it. We use this as our code to calmly have the other person rethink how they are talking and reacting. Usually the other person will say , " sorry I am not angry at you I just stressed out about " maybe try something like that? Sorry things are so tough for you right now and k hope that whatever's bothering him, you can fix together!

StephanieLBerg · October 2014

Thanks ladies. We have open ended discussions in the past. Discussions where we both sit down and, without fear of having anything we say used against us in future arguments, we get out anything and everything that bothers us about the other person. We aren't allowed to get made, we aren't allowed to get offended, we aren't allowed to lash out because our feelings are being hurt. This technique really helped us during the dark time I mentioned in my OP. We both got everything off our chests, basically picked away at the void that he and I kept filling between us with all the crap we would never say to each other for fear of repercussions. And it worked, though I can't really say for sure if THAT is solely what worked to get us back on track because around the same time, I had a very traumatic experience that broke us both and changed our lives forever (I won't go into details, but I was sexually victimized by my oldest friend at the time). But, at the same time, we can't revert back to the behavior we both exhibited before the incident; I can't. It took me years to get over what had happened to me and dealing with both our behaviors leading up to the incident is a big trigger for me. I think this is why I am freaking out so bad because the things he is dealing with right now, is how this all started on his end way back when. I just finally started getting back to the person I was before we got pregnant, and I don't want to lose all the progress I've made, so I guess me trying to stand up for him is me actually protecting me in a way.

But yes, you all are right. I can't fight his battles for him because its not what he needs/wants, nor should I be taking on that stress right now. So I guess we'll just have to have the open ended discussion again and work through the stress that way. I was hoping that he and I were still being more open and honest with each other since the first time we did it; but I think the baby has caused both of us to retreat a little back towards our comfort zones again, which is where relationships go to die unfortunately.

I do agree, he needs to take a beat from both his friend and her husband. The fact that their marriage is falling apart anyway, is not something he should be getting in the middle of, and I know its not HIM reeling himself into their lives, its them. I'm just not sure if I can convince him that its best thing for all pf us right now. He doesn't like letting his friends down, especially when he feels that he's their superman, but me and our relationship shouldn't have to suffer because he can't categorize the stress from it either.

Sahara6971 · October 2014

I think you have gotten some great advice here. Just wanted to add that I hope you can figure things out. (((HUGS)))

misskc2 · October 2014

I agree with @Sahara6971‌ it sounds like you already know what to do! Sending you hugs!!!!!

StephanieLBerg · October 2014

UPDATE BUMP!

elephantsonpatrol · October 2014

Great update!

ckimberley14 · October 2014

So glad you both could talk it out and communicate so openly. Hope YH can maybe talk to his coworkers about their stepping over the line, but personally I would distance myself from people like that. They're only destructive to your life if that's the only way they know how to bond. Then again, it seems most men are always in pissing contests with each other.

foxslaw · October 2014

Yay so glad

Mommalawyer · October 2014

Gosh. That totally sucks. However, I am glad that you updated. Sounds like things are where they should be. Stress does weird things to all of us. It's not an excuse. Just a reality I suppose. Keep your chin up!

CogDis · October 2014

I'm sorry your going through a bad time and I hope it gets better!

That said, did I read your post correctly? I'm referring to this: "innocent gay jokes among straight men - harmless and common between him and friends actually. "

There's no such thing! Sexist jokes are sexist and harm women and men and are not "innocent and harmless" when said only around one sex about the other. Racist jokes are racist and harm humanity and are not "innocent or harmless" when said only around one 'race' or another. And the same goes for homophobic jokes. They are harmful and not innocent and promote discrimination and violence towards people based on sexual orientation.

Gross.

Maybe I misread it, if so, my ap

CogDis · October 2014

Sorry the end ought to read:

Maybe I misread it, if so my apologies.

Regardless, I hope you feel better soon and work this out with your DH.

Sahara6971 · October 2014

Yay for the good update!

CatLadyTX · October 2014

I love your update!

Hernsy · October 2014

Didn't see the beginning of this, but I'm glad it sounds like y'all were able to talk about it in an open way and were both able to listen. He sounds like he really cares about you and I'm glad he didn't allow the hysteria of the situation come between you.

chicagojackie · October 2014

((Hugs)) to you momma

chicagojackie · October 2014

CogDis said:

I'm sorry your going through a bad time and I hope it gets better! That said, did I read your post correctly? I'm referring to this: "innocent gay jokes among straight men - harmless and common between him and friends actually. " There's no such thing!

This. And...

bhjones1980 · October 2014

CogDis said:

I'm sorry your going through a bad time and I hope it gets better! That said, did I read your post correctly? I'm referring to this: "innocent gay jokes among straight men - harmless and common between him and friends actually. " There's no such thing! Sexist jokes are sexist and harm women and men and are not "innocent and harmless" when said only around one sex about the other. Racist jokes are racist and harm humanity and are not "innocent or harmless" when said only around one 'race' or another. And the same goes for homophobic jokes. They are harmful and not innocent and promote discrimination and violence towards people based on sexual orientation. Gross. Maybe I misread it, if so, my ap

very well put, that inclusion regarding the "innocent gay jokes" distracted me from the issue and hand when I read it too.

lizjennings81 · October 2014

bhjones1980 said:

CogDis said:

I'm sorry your going through a bad time and I hope it gets better! That said, did I read your post correctly? I'm referring to this: "innocent gay jokes among straight men - harmless and common between him and friends actually. " There's no such thing! Sexist jokes are sexist and harm women and men and are not "innocent and harmless" when said only around one sex about the other. Racist jokes are racist and harm humanity and are not "innocent or harmless" when said only around one 'race' or another. And the same goes for homophobic jokes. They are harmful and not innocent and promote discrimination and violence towards people based on sexual orientation. Gross. Maybe I misread it, if so, my ap

very well put, that inclusion regarding the "innocent gay jokes" distracted me from the issue and hand when I read it too.

I'm going to echo this. I wanted to give advice, but was also put off by the phrase and situation described. Thank you for saying something, @CogDis.

StephanieLBerg · October 2014

I didn't mean to offend anyone. I have tons of gay friends who refer to gay jokes as innocent and harmless, so I guess I just wasn't thinking about the general populus. And my husband is the most sexually secure man I have ever met, so it just didn't occur to me that it sounded offensive. I do apologize.

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