Why We Don't Tell

paintdadanta · October 2014

I know that many of us have decided to wait or did wait until the conclusion of first trimester or later before sharing our pregnancy news including myself. However, while I am not one to normal share articles, I read this one today posted by the loss support group SHARE. Words couldn't really describe for me the exactness of how true it is so I had to pass it on to all of you. The beginning is a bit of a short ramble but hang in there because it is definitely worth the read.

I'm Pregnant. So Why Can't I Tell You?

Excerpt for those who can't pull up the article:

If miscarriages are so common, why do we hide them behind a wall of shame and silence? If women could announce their pregnancies immediately, wouldn’t we learn that a pregnancy is truly awesome and terrifying and precarious and unknown — that anything can and does happen, and that women deserve all the love and support and understanding that comes with the act of trying to make another human being?

beckynsean11 · October 2014

Thank you so much for sharing this. I've been struggling with whether or not to share this pregnancy early. Having had a second trimester loss & seen so many 3rd tri losses, I know there will never come a "safe" time in this pregnancy. If we make it past this Friday, I'll probably talk to the hubs about being open with our friends & family.

SunshineShades · October 2014

That's a great article, and so true. After my loss I ended up telling a couple friends and family who hadn't known I was pregnant. There are times when I just randomly want to tell a friend what happened. I don't know why I keep it such a secret. I actually at times want someone to ask me about ttc so I can tell them, it is like a weight off my chest.

KMW08 · October 2014

I didn't really care for this article. While I think there's a point to be made, imo im not entirely sure she conveyed the message. Part of it might be that she's never had a loss, I think that changes perspective quite a bit.

It really all depends on the person and what you're willing to share, to each their own. I'm too private of a person to share, esp with social media. I'm super cautious of what gets posted from and about me. I'd say at least 90% of my facebook friends don't need need to be privy to my life.

ETA: the social media is also in regards to my family, not everybody thinks before they post, so that's another reason why I only share certain things with certain people.

matiekae · October 2014

Thank you for posting this. I've told many people already. Having my MC be such a secret was one of the toughest things about it. If it were to happen again I would want the people around me to know why I'm not myself.

smcniff · October 2014

I completely agree with this article. Although facebook is maybe a bit too public for me, I did tell a handful of people right away about this pregnancy. The only reason I didn't tell more was because of the stigma that women aren't supposed to tell. If a woman doesn't want to let people know, that is her choice, but I hate that secrecy is the expectation.

KJsbabe · October 2014

I think when you decide to tell about a pregnancy is a very personal decision. There is no right or wrong answer. Just because I didn't shout my news from the roof tops before the pee stick dried doesn't mean that I'm ashamed of my losses or that I'm hiding behind a stigma. I'm a pretty private person. Only a handful of people IRL know about my losses. The world does not need to know my personal struggles. I'm also not super close to my family, so this isn't something that I want to open up about and share with them.

With my first pregnancy we were actually going to tell our families at 6w, but then I MC'd two days before. It was too painful and hard to talk about at the time, so I never said anything. When I got pregnant the second time I was too scared of MCing again to tell anyone. When I finally made it past the first tri with DD I was absolutely terrified to tell anyone.

Just because not many people know about my babies, does not make them any less real, or celebrated, or loved.

paintdadanta · October 2014

I wasn't trying to imply anything negative about not sharing and I didn't see it that way when I read the article so I'm sorry if anyone else did.

Personally, I am also not planning to tell anyone until much later and then only immediate family and close friends. However, despite my personal perspective I do agree with the article that it shouldn't be a taboo topic. There is nothing wrong with keeping quiet or telling everyone but the fact that society expects it - I believe is wrong. It should be up to you as the individual not because society doesn't want to hear the truth or the risks.

CreechMommy · October 2014

That's a decision I've struggled with - to tell or not to tell. I love that our family and friends know about the baby we lost. I love that I can talk about her. But this time around I find myself wanting to wait until we have a healthy u/s to tell people.

I've already told my best friend because there's no way I couldn't.

But family and extended friends make me feel nervous.

I kind of felt embarassed after having to de-announce our pregnancy. I don't necessarily want to do that again.

If we do wait till 12 weeks to tell it will be Christmas

HawaiianSunset09 · October 2014

I personally announced on my facebook about our last miscarriage. Talking about it and reaching out helped tremendously and it actually helped OTHERS. I have gotten several pms from other women who have since miscarried and asking me how to cope, thanking me for being open, etc. Is it hard to put myself out there? Yes. But I am the type of person that I really want to change the taboo aspect of infertility and loss. So I talk about it. That said, we havent told anyone outside our immediate family and a COUPLE of friends... and we wont til after the first ultrasound. Not because I want to keep it a secret, but more because I just want to get closer to the holidays before the news could leak.

Nikolie93 · October 2014

I am also someone that mentioned my MC's on FB and like the pp I did it to let people know I'm there to talk to if they need someone. It also helps me to talk about it, especially when many of my friends and coworkers knew I wasn't really myself for a while.

I would never think any less of someone that decides sharing is not for them. Everyone is different and some people are more private, there is nothing wrong with that.

As for telling people next time, I will only tell a few right away (my mom and bff) and will wait longer to announce it to everyone else.

LexCarol · October 2014

Thanks for sharing! I just found out I am pregnant again after a mc at 5 weeks in July. I am open to sharing early because I liked the support from friends but dh wants to keep it quite till the 3 month mark (may be hard with all the holidays

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