DD Having a Hard Time (kindergarten)

NicoleWI · October 2014

I posted earlier about maybe changing DD's school. We decided to leave her as she has some good friends, seems to feel like part of a community, and is doing okay with it overall. we think it's better long term even though we may not love everything about kindergarten. She does well academically. The issue now, which I was hoping would have improved, is that while she seems OKAY about school, she is still AWFUL at home ever since school started. She has always been very nervous about new things and shy until she warms up, but she had gotten a lot better over the summer. It's like she's regressed since starting school and I don't know how to help her.

We are having all kinds of issues and there has been a lot more yelling at home. I'm trying to get her to bed earlier to see if that will help. She comes home from school happy but about 5:30 usually turns into a terror and is super difficult, throwing huge fits about little things, being mean to her siblings (usually is super great with them). This weekend we had my parents, grandma and brother over, and she was super shy with them at first. Refused to go say hi, clung to my hand, almost pitched a fit about not sitting next to me at lunch, hardly ate anything. These are people she knows well! She has been giving DH's mom the cold shoulder and ignoring her/not answering when asked questions. DH's mom lives nearby and we see her all the time. She is very close with DD and used to babysit for her a few days/week. Refused to talk to the fireman at fire safety day. Didn't want to participate with the group at her gymnastics class. Pitched a giant fit about not wanting to wear jeans, about her socks not being "long enough" to touch her leggings. She has a weird thing about candy as a security object and has started sleeping with candy again (she doesn't eat it, she just likes to have it on her or by her. No idea how this started). Gets very upset when the candy won't stay in place where she wants it arranged. When I was helper at school twice, she was very upset and cried when I had to leave (it was a little better the second time).

I don't know how we can help her and make things better at home, and I don't know if this is "normal" or if it's past the norm for school adjustment issues. It upsets the whole family when she is crying and yelling about not wearing jeans, or her candy falling off the box she had it on, or whatever. She's also not being a great example for her little brother, who picks up on some of this. I don't know when to just be warm and supportive and when to just be really firm and act like "that's the way it is; deal with it." What can/should we do? Is this "normal?"

emberlee3 · October 2014

I don't know what's normal, but I'll tell you what DS has been like since starting kindergarten.
FWIW, DS is very strong willed, cautious, intense, and has a tendency toward anxiety.

He is quite keyed up when he gets home, usually wants to play or work on a specific project that he's been planning in his head all day. It's hard to get him to slow down, eat a snack, drink water, relax. Even so, he is usually pretty agreeable for a couple of hours.

By 5:30, he is a terror--screaming, crying, hitting or pushing DD, throwing stuff, etc. I finally realized that he needs to eat a mini-meal after school. Lunch is at 10:55, and we eat dinner at 6:00. He can't go 7 hours on just snacks. So, we are working on scheduling time for a nutritious snack, but he's not a great eater in general and especially when he's in "project-mode."

Part of the problem is also exhaustion, so we are working on bedtime being a little earlier (closer to 7:30 instead of 8). It's really challenging!

littlemermaid · October 2014

In regards to turning into a terror around 5:30, is she eating an after school snack to hold her over until dinnertime. Definitely move bedtime earlier so she is getting enough sleep.

Has she ever been tested for sensory issues, or gone to any occupational therapy? If the other issues continue I'd bring it up to her pediatrician and see what their thoughts on it are.

neverblushed · October 2014

My son turned 6 the first week of kindergarten, so he was an "old" kindy kid. He STILL struggled with exhaustion, especially near the end of each week. Thursday nights were really ugly. We usually go out to eat on Fridays, and there were a few times when he fell asleep in the restaurant booth!

I also found that lunch was so early that he was ravenous by the time he got home. He needed more protein for breakfast and lunch, and a sustaining snack when he got home. That really helped. Things got better around Thanksgiving in terms of breakdowns and crying, but he was still noticeably more tired late in the week through the whole school year.

junebugrbig · October 2014

We had a number of challenges last year with DS. The transition to kindy was difficult at home and at school. Acting out at school and at home and major temper tantrums. It took us a long time to get handle on things. A few things we discovered...one, he was clearly tired. We have all day kindergarten and it's a long day for most kids, even those who have a high energy level, like my DS. Two, when we did things out of routine, like had sleepovers at grandmas, went away for the weekend, were out late during the week or weekend, these issues were intensified. Three, he seemed to be struggling with the social aspects of school, especially physical contact. DS is a rough and tumble kid. He like to horse around. He likes to touch and engage others. Well, the school does not like this at all. Many kids take this kind of touching the wrong way. They call it "keeping your body in control". So, the first thing we did was hook up with a counselor to help us through managing his behavior...discovering what his triggers were, how to prevent the tantrums and acting out, how to manage them when they were happening and talking to him about them afterwards. I also met with his teacher and guidance counselor at school to talk about what exactly has been happening at school and advice on what we can do at home to help him at school. It's been a roller coaster for sure. We've had periods where things have been great and then we had set backs. Overall, we keep progressing forward. We have worked on making sure he gets enough rest, whether its sleeping or just quiet time, and keeping a solid schedule with him. We purposely kept him out of fall sports until he was adjusted to first grade. We have talked to him about making good choices and having those conversations at appropriate times. And I think the thing that has helped to most is being more present with him. I noticed when I shut out all the typical distractions (the phone, the computer, the tv, etc) and really focus on him when we are together, he really responds positively. We still have our struggles from time to time but we are miles ahead from a year ago. Good luck to you!!

74dragonfly · October 2014

I can relate to some of the things you posted. My daughter just started kindy and has had "explosions" a lot lately. she also cries almost every night. I think a lot if too tired, new people, etc. i was surprised because my daughter had been in daycare/preschool since age 13 weeks so i didnt expect her having a hard time adjusting. I think school is more demanding. Less time to play.

I think minimizing activites on weekend/evenings can help. Getting lots of rest. also trying to talk about what happened at school, what they were going to do the next day etc.

Princess_Lily · October 2014

What after school routine do you follow?This is ours - without it, tatrums will occur:

330-430 Large after school snack and free play

430-500 Homework at a clean uncluttered desk

500-600 Bathtime/Shower and change into Jammers

600 Dinner

630-730 Free Play

730-800. Storytime in Bed

DS avoids eating at school, so a lot of his difficulties are exhaustion from a long day and hunger.

DD Having a Hard Time (kindergarten)

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