Constant guilt trip... — The Bump
Single Parents

Constant guilt trip...

While the father of this baby says he will be around for whatever his child needs... he made it quite clear a week ago (a month after I found out I was pregnant) that he has no feelings for me in that way, and that we wouldn't ever be together. It's taken me a week full of crying, and hormones and hating life, and today and yesterday I started feeling better... that I will be okay, WE will be okay... she/he will have a father, I truly believe that... even if he and I aren't together... I am 3 months tomorrow. Hello second trimester...

Though today an argument started, after he started saying 'when you have more kids with your future husband' - which pissed me off, don't rub in my face that you're not interested in me... by saying something like 'future husband', there's no need. None... I'm well aware. If you want to ask about later in life if I have more kids, great.... but to throw in 'with another man' after just a week of you shattering everything I THOUGHT was happening, and completely blindsided me... JERK.

I made a comment, and asked him to be more considerate of things he says to me... if for no other reason, I'm hormonal... and I WILL use that as an excuse! 

The response? 'The irony... you're talking about fairness.' This is the type of thing he says, when he's referring to my deciding to keep the baby... because he wasn't ready, he didn't want me to keep the baby... but to him I've forced him into this and (and I quote) 'Robbed him of what he wanted' which was to be married before having babies. HI, ME TOO. I WANTED TO BE MARRIED TOO! I had a dream too! But clearly LIFE happened! He says stuff like this every other day... and it's BEYOND hurtful. I feel like he's holding the fact that I didn't get an abortion over my head... and I clearly can't respond without it causing a HUGE fight. 

Quite frankly... from what I've read, isn't this suppose to be one of the happiest times of a woman's life? She's growing a little human, she's watching her whole world and body change, and life change, for the better... she is going to be responsible for a little human. And I've never been more sad. I have not heard congratulations from a single soul. Not my family... not him... all he does is make me feel bad about it. And I want so desperately to be happy. 

I expect many of you will say 'cut him off' and just don't deal with it. But he's involved in all the appointments, and wants to be according to him... he IS the other half of this, and I can't see myself just cutting him off. 

I can't imagine I'm the only one to deal with stupid comments, I just don't know how to cope, I don't. I would really like some guidance as to how to cope or deal with this though... it seems NO ONE is happy about this baby but me, and after things like this I can't help but cry and think I made the wrong choice - but I KNOW I didn't. I don't regret this baby, it may not have been planned but this is my baby and I LOVE this baby... and I'm so angry that he makes me feel this way, and so angry that I can't control it enough to just brush it off and not care. I know things may not be easy with this baby, and things may be tight or we may even struggle, but I KNOW I will be fine. And I know I can love this baby like no one else could ever love this baby, that's why he/she was given to ME. 

And now I'm crying again so I'm shutting up. Please be easy. 
Second pregnancy, God willing - first baby.
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Re: Constant guilt trip...

  • I'm so sorry you have to deal with that kind of crap at such an emotional time. I would say, keep him at a distance until your emotions and hormones stabilize some. Take it one day at a time and tackle one challenge at a time. When he starts his hateful tirades walk away, hang up the phone, or turn off your phone to give yourself some time to breathe and tell him that you won't talk to him if he's going to behave like that. You didn't get pregnant by yourself, he helped. And he needs to remember that.
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    20thirteenLindsMichellerunningmama22ST3WD
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  • I agree with becwheat. Talk to a councelor, more then a few regs see one. Also, dont talk to bd unless its about the baby.

    Ex: doctors appt is 'x day' at 'y time' see you then or i had a dr appt today. Baby is x,y,z.

    Like becwheat said. Your not in a romantic relationship with him. You dont have to talk with him.

    I did cut my bd off. We were fwb when i got pregnant. He flipped hard from wanting b to wanting to be uninvolved. And ive let him be.
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    runningmama22
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  • Thank you ladies. I cut my phone off for a long time tonight and just got lazy and watched TV. It was nice to not have to stress if a buzz text message was him or not.
    I'll speak when spoken to, short and sweet, and answer questions if he asks any so that I'm not being the bitch and ignoring him.

    I really appreciate your kind words.

    I'm looking into therapy of some kind, need to see about what insurance covers if anything. I'm also going to ask my OB about possible depression. I dealt with it before getting pregnant, but never did anything about it. Always figured being pregnant I would be so happy depression wouldn't stand a chance.
    Second pregnancy, God willing - first baby.
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    5w0d: HCG 4,300
    5w2d: HCG 15,179  Prog: 27.9
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    6w3d: Heartbeat 119
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  • @Lyndsmichelle glad you were able to relax for the night! And talking to your ob is a wonderful idea!

    Good for you for taking a hold of tge situation!
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  • First of all, congratulations. :)  Second, I had a nearly identical situation. I had to get to a point where I ONLY discussed the health/development of the baby with him. Like you said, short and sweet.  And if he tried to steer the conversation to "us" or our separate futures, I would politely point out that was unnecessary and get off the phone. It sucks but you have to keep the stress at bay or it will eat you up. 
    LindsMichelle
  • Congratulations! I feel like I could have written this post (I might have actually written something very similar at the beginning of my own pregnancy. I changed my username bc my situation went legal and I didn't want a trace of it online..). I second what everyone has said about getting a therapist to talk with. I wish I had. I battled depression this whole pregnancy, and even when family did congratulate me I felt somewhere they had to be "judging"... It has been hard. My ex has a new GF. He also was sleeping with his ex baby mama when we were together. So it was multiple slaps in the face, promises to be at appts but then wouldn't show, and constant guilt trips about not having an abortion. I'm so glad you know you can be an amazing mama and love your LO. This is a very good thing. Honestly my most peace came when I had a restraining order against my ex. He threatened to kill me... And I had a solid 4 months of peace before it just recently ended. It's best to limit contact until you have completely healed from the wounds of being blindsided. Until you're at the point where you never think about "what might have been". Because until then you are really vulnerable... I commend you for trying to keep him involved as much as he wants to be, for the sake of him being a dad (assuming he is fit to be one... Mine isn't really)... But you need to protect yourself and your heart too right now. I'm sorry I don't have a happy ending to give you hope to look forward to... But my baby girl is due in just 3 weeks so I will soon :) and your little one will be your own happy ending. Stay strong mama. You can do this :)
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  • I'm looking into therapy of some kind, need to see about what insurance covers if anything. I'm also going to ask my OB about possible depression. I dealt with it before getting pregnant, but never did anything about it. Always figured being pregnant I would be so happy depression wouldn't stand a chance.
    I went to a counselor through my pregnancy and up until about 9 mo ago, the organization I found didn't charge me.  It was free counseling and they helped with clothes/toys/needs of DD when I needed help.  All of it free of charge.  My financial status has only just started getting a little easier, but at the time, I really needed the help.  I feel like I have a better handle on things so I have chosen to give my spot up so other women can be helped.  My mom found this organization while I was still figuring out what to do about my pregnancy (whether to keep the baby or to find a couple to adopt).  There are TONS of organizations out there that can help you, all you have to do is look for one in your area.  And, depending on your finances (or not), it could turn out to be free. I added "or not" in there because I can't remember if the one I went to offered free services to absolutely anyone, you know?  And, also, these organizations don't ask for you for your insurance info.
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  • *snip*
    The response? 'The irony... you're talking about fairness.' This is the type of thing he says, when he's referring to my deciding to keep the baby... because he wasn't ready, he didn't want me to keep the baby... but to him I've forced him into this and (and I quote) 'Robbed him of what he wanted' which was to be married before having babies. 
    Ummm, no. As PPs stated, it takes two to tango. He was "ready" when he decided to have intercourse, seeing as pregnancy is a potential outcome. If he feels so strongly about not wanting kids before marriage, he should have abstained or had a discussion with you about how he would've preferred an abortion to parenting BEFORE you got a BFP. You haven't "robbed" anyone of anything - he's just pissy his actions had consequences. 

    Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope everything progresses smoothly. Keep everything business-like, polite but to the point, and don't give him and power to make you feel guilty. Sounds like you already have a pretty good handle on how you want things to go. Stay focused.

    You got this, beautiful!

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    runningmama2220thirteenLindsMichelle
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