Motivation to conceive turned into ? child mentioned

SuzyHomemaker07 · October 2014

Hey girls,

Bright and early *almost* Friday morning to you! I'm getting introspective too early, I know.

Since our losses, RE testing, risk discussion and more discussion, hashing out our chances with treatments...on and on...I feel like it's becoming more about the process. I'm more focussed on the goal, the clinical side, achieving conception.

**child mentioned**

Somehow I've lost the motivation for an actual baby...? I don't think about a cute little squishy face or first smiles anymore. My thought process has changed, I think. Since diagnosis (Luteal phase defect, MTHFR, factor V) and treatment plan (Letrazole/ progesterone, Folgard, Lovenox) I feel more into what that will do, chances it will give us. If it works what due date we'll have, what that timing will mean. And I worry about the crazy stress from a newborn not sleeping. Our first medicated cycle starts next week...maybe it's cold feet?

Gold star if you read this far. I guess I'm not looking for an answer, just thought maybe some of you went through or are going through these feelings?

emilycatlady · October 2014

I sort of get what you mean... I guess you're so used to treatment and TTC that actually have a baby seems surreal, like it's never going to be a reality.
I can't even picture actually being a fully functional mother like all my friends are. It just seems like it's so far away, even though I want it so badly.

Not sure if that's at all the same as how you're feeling... We'll all get there eventually
xx

BunnyBerry · October 2014

I'm sorry, IF really does suck in so many ways.

Sometimes I find myself really invested in "winning" or "achieving" the goal, aside from the understanding that the goal is a new person in our lives. Sometimes that actually makes it easier, because it help me look at the long-term and see setbacks as reasonable/necessary on the path to achieving the goal, instead of freaking out that I may never be a mother !

LindseyM2012 · October 2014

I can completely empathize with you here. I start my first medicated cycle at the end of next week or early the following (depending on when CD1 starts) and I find myself more and more disconnected with the idea of a baby. Maybe I'm preparing myself for if it doesn't work by distancing myself. Maybe it is a little cold feet - I've been waiting for this cycle for months that I can't imagine actually doing it. I imagine this is how people feel when they get cold feet before their wedding.

Hang in there - hugs to you!

dancerspose · October 2014

I know that personally, I try not to let myself picture a future with an actual little person in it. It's just too hard. DH, on the otherhand, is all about the theoretical child and imagining fun things. I guess his optimism hopefully cancels out my realism (I don't like to think I'm pessimistic).

TLooney17 · October 2014

I know what you mean, but I think part of those feelings is you protecting yourself. It's hard to think of the sweet little baby, look at baby clothes and mentally decorate a nursery. In some ways it's easier to just focus on the treatment, and put all of those others feelings off until you are actually pregnant.

IMO I think that once you are successful you will allow your self to start acting like a normal expectant mom and dream of your sweet little baby all day long.

MyFirstRaspberry · October 2014

I agree with all the previous posters. I can not visualize a baby either. I've gone as far as telling close friends that if I am some how blessed with a healthy pregnancy, I do NOT want a shower of any kind. I can't even imagine celebrating until there is a baby in my arms. This is my way of protecting my heart from further damage.

With that said, time is on our side. If/when we are blessed with a healthy pregnancy, we have 9 whole months to change our mindset.

dominicandreamer · October 2014

Totally get what you're saying. I haven't officially started treatment yet, but I can say that this time waiting and testing I've come to the realization that I need to be okay with it if it doesn't happen. Adoption has always been a contender in our family building process minus the high cost of course. I'd just always hoped I could conceive on my own but I think I'm genuinely okay if that's not going to happen. Or at least I tell myself that now.

I hope that doesn't offend anyone here.

SuzyHomemaker07 · October 2014

Thanks for the support ladies. I'm just afraid I'm not doing it for a baby anymore, you know. I'm doing it to "win". And I'm nervous- get to the heart beat, pass 12 weeks, then 20 week anatomy scan, then delivery, then SIDS. Ugh, I just see so much worrying and exhaustion. I'm afraid I've obsessed so much on fixing my problem that I'm not ready lol ugh, atleast I'm not alone!

Ann612 · October 2014

This was really interesting to me, because this is something I have also been doing but never really realized it until you pointed it out.

I think this is normal - once you start with an RE it does become a medical process driven by numbers. It's hard not to get sucked into that.

I personally feel like once I actually see that second line, that's when all the other stuff will enter my mind, and I am ok with that.

theholmanherd · October 2014

***Babies, BFPs, etc mentioned***

I can completely relate. Like a PP mentioned, I will randomly get triggered by something, but mostly I worry about what birthdays the BFP will ultimately coincide with, sleepless nights, not being able to go out on a whim or sit around the house and relax on a slow day, etc. I guess cold feet is a good way of putting it. It's not that I want my BFP any less, I just have had so much time to reflect on it, that it's given me an opportunity to consider all the repercussions (whereas most people don't have to think too hard about having a baby).

Yesterday, I was having a rough day. We are still seeing at least one spider every other day, I keep failing to stay gluten-free, I'm struggling with writing a letter to my dad and grieving the loss of that relationship, and then DH and I walked into a store to get him some clothes for work. At this store, you HAVE TO walk by all the baby clothes to get to the rest of the store. Well, there was this adorable 3/4 sleeve onsie that had a horse on it. I saw it and immediately thought "this is exactly what my mom would have bought me if she were still here and I were pregnant". She loved horses. She would've loved the whole store, truthfully, because there was a lot of stuff that was her style there. Anyway, I will admit that we bought it because I want to be able to give it to my daughter someday and say "this would have been from your grandma". I'm a sentimental idiot on occasion and I'm fully aware that this was probably a mistake, but I think I would have felt worse if I'd not gotten it at all because I would have wanted it later.

ANYWAY, we get home, and I got on my iPad like usual. Checked out the bump and fiddled around on a GF site, etc. Then, I decided to get on Facebook. Lately, it's been cluttered with what seems like only new babies, and cute baby halloween pics. I've been trying to avoid it, but I wanted to check and see if I had any messages. I didn't and I was bombarded (for the 2967678th time this week) with babies pictures. I threw my iPad down on the couch and said (to DH) "I'm so tired of seeing everyone's stupid baby halloween pictures" and stormed out of the room. I seriously burst into tears over it. DH came into our room (where I'd gone) and just hugged me while I lost it for a good half an hour.

The craziest part was that I was actually hoping all this extra emotion meant I was hormonal and might actually start AF soon. No hope for a BFP, just 'gee, I hope I get a cycle soon". I am on the brink of just taking a break and trying to lose weight and see a therapist for a while before going straight into adoption. I almost bought condoms the other day (not that it would make a difference).

Anyway, that was really long, but I basically wanted to say I sympathize with you.

tl;dr: I had a breakdown, considering a long break and therapy, fuck facebook. I totally relate to OP.

kristyn831 · October 2014

I try not to look too far ahead because it will cause me anxiety. We do talk about names, but that's about it. I need to take this one step at a time. Once I get pregnant, I'll focus on the next thing.

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