Rant about how stupid my H is.

cafecreme · October 2014

H told me that while getting his hair cut that the subject of sex in our relationship came up. He told her that we have sex 1x a week (which is probably the norm right now). He said that she was shocked, and "I should be giving it up more". H has been a client of hers for 6 years, and there has been 1-2 occasions where we've met up with her and her family, and went out for dinner, etc. I'm not being BSC for getting mad/pissed at H for talking about these things to her, and wanting to tear her hair out for saying that ridiculous statement, right?

I asked him how in the hell does that come up in a conversation, and that should ALWAYS be something private between us. I asked him, would he want me to say similar things about our sex life to my good male friend? Then he's spinning it on me, making me look like I really don't give him enough sex, "or he wouldn't of said anything", and I should "just give it up".

Ugh. I am beyond pissed right now. I have so much fucking stuff on my plate right now- what with the re-do of the anatomy scan and my MIL being in the hospital. Oh, and taking care of our daughter!!! The last thing on my mind is sex. The first thing he wants and thinks about is sex, in a time like this.

Why are men stupid assholes?

Oh, and he got mad at me (for god knows what), and went to sleep early. Whatev.

Sugarplum0217 · October 2014

I'm so sorry your H did that! I would be pissed too. As a hairdresser, no matter how close you are with your guests, that appalls me she would say that! Even when guests share very personal info I never would say something like that! I hope he wises up and does something extra special and nice for you!

cafecreme · October 2014

chilibeansm0m said:

Ugh. Yesterday me and my female coworkers were talking about sex, positions, frequency etc...... and today she goes oh I told our (male) boss that we were talking about sex. I asked him how often he has sex. WTF? What in the world possessed you to do that? I just stared at her with this blank look.

Yea, it sounds like something ridiculous my H would say. He even tried playing it as "cool" and while he was telling me had a smile and was laughing about it. How is that fucking funny you dip shit? Ugh!!!! Sorry ladies, I've just been in a bad mood for the last day or two. I'm sorry you have to put up with my bitching!

starsailorr26 · October 2014

You're not wrong, that was shitty of him. That's not something he should ever discuss with another female unless she's his doctor or therapist.

cafecreme · October 2014

earthian said:

Uhm yea. Your H is definitely in the wrong. And I'd be wanting to smack a bitch for saying that. That is a very private conversation with someone who cuts your hair. Also I just read this to my husband and he said that, "that's a lot of sex, I would definitely NOT be complaining about once a week." ( its been almost 3 weeks since our last time), So you have a man agreeing with you too.

Yea well, my H is a douche canoe. I think we may of even had sex 2x this past week....and he's complaining?!?!

The only time we went without sex for a few weeks was when I was recovering from having our daughter.

JennyP0222 · October 2014

This is level douche canoe. Also, I find it beyond inappropriate that he had this conversation with ANY female, let alone the person he pays to cut his hair. Its gross that she asked and I'd possibly have a problem with him going back to her in the future.

mommyofkaylin · October 2014

Men use guilt as a manipulator in sex all the time and this is what he's doing. It's not right and it's certainly not sexy. The last thing I want to do is have sex with my dh when I feel he's guilting me into it.

same1b · October 2014

I can understand talking about sex in very general terms with buddies but specific details are totally off limits!! I mean, would it be ok for you to discuss his penis length with friends?!
This is just absurd but tbh I do remember having to have a very pointed conversation with my husband early on in our relationship that it's not ok to air specific sexual details. Guys can be ridiculously oblivious. It came up coz he made some inane joke about my BJs or some such nonsense (sorry tmi I know).
Stick to your gut reaction and try to explain your point of view. If he's not ok with the amount of sex, that should be private discussion between only the two of you and an outsider shouldn't be the first to hear it. It's the gossipy bitching that's way out of bounds.

mermaid1113 · October 2014

You have every right to be pissed. Shame on both of them for having that conversation. Regardless of knowing this stylist for a long amount of time it's inappropriate.
Sounds like this stylist is completely tacky. It's her job to cut hair and yes, talk with her customers, but to engage in that conversation was unprofessional.

lifewrite · October 2014

How unprofessional of his hair dresser to even ask a question like that! I'd be pissed at my DH if I ever found out he was talking to another female about our sex life. 1x a week is more than I'm "giving up" to my DH. Being pregnant is exhausting. DH is lucky to get it 2x a month.

suzyq0525 · October 2014

I'm sorry you have to deal with his bullshit on top of everything else you have going on. Big hugs >:D<

aylaroman15 · October 2014

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It is complete bullshit, I know. I almost strangled my FI for bringing up our sex life with his sister whom is also pregnant and her boy friend. He had the nerve to ask them if they still have sex. When they said, "hell yea!" he gave me this look of sorrow and said, " you are lucky, I don't get sex anymore.". Oh sweet baby jelly beans, I wanted to throat kick him right then and there.

ST3WD · October 2014

Sorry he's being such dick-wiggle, literally and figuratively. The combination of everything your body is doing to make your baby on top of your stressors would put anyone's libido on hold.

Anyone who's actually dealing with it that is, since it sounds like he may not fully understand what sort of impact life is having on you right now.

As a side note, it may not be the stylist's fault. I don't personally do hair, but I have a fair share of friends in or recently graduated from cosmetology school. With so many of my IRL peers getting engaged/married, these girls are picking up a lot more male clients from fiance/wife referrals. (One friend to another type thing.) Apparently guys will bring this sort of thing up all the time, leading answers like manipulators do in therapy sessions. Most of the time my stylist friends brush it off and think nothing of it, but occasionally a hurt referral-providing friend will contact them.

"Why did you think this was okay to discuss??" kind of thing, until they mention that he brought it up and wouldn't drop it.

If she's was being professional by agreeing with him to move on to a different topic after a while, it may not be like you're imagining. My thought is guys don't want to lie "technically", so they find "someone else" to agree with them. Most of the time it's someone being paid to do a service, like a stylist. Do you say no to the guy who comes in reliably or just try to move on?

Sorry if that was too long, but I was just trying to say it might not be her fault. Maybe he's apprehensive to approach you since you've been upset/stressed, so he went the ULTRA-ANNOYING passive aggressive route?

I do hope you can get him to communicate with you and shut his mouth around others!

colleen4019 · October 2014

Dude he should not have gone there. Not cool at all.

Also it seriously grosses me out when people talk about 'giving' or 'withholding' sex as reward or punishment. If that's how you realistically think about sex you're in the wrong relationship.

My DH and I had a serious talk about how things would likely change in terms of frequency, etc. once I was pregnant/ babies arrive. He is probably more okay with the slightly decreased frequency than I am. This is just something you have to deal with when additional responsibilities enter your life.

Does he acknowledge that he shouldn't have talked about that with her? Or is he denying that it was inappropriate?

nannabee21 · October 2014

Id be totally hurt if my H was telling other women that. Our sex life is between us. That was completely inappropriate and you have every right to be upset. Hopefully he realizes his mistake and apologizes.

jnowosielski · October 2014

earthian said:
Uhm yea. Your H is definitely in the wrong. And I'd be wanting to smack a bitch for saying that.

That is a very private conversation with someone who cuts your hair.

Also I just read this to my husband and he said that, "that's a lot of sex, I would definitely NOT be complaining about once a week." ( its been almost 3 weeks since our last time), So you have a man agreeing with you too.

Ditto. Over here H would be thrilled with once a week.

Mrs. jk3a · October 2014

Sorry you husband is being a jerk. It was inappropriate for them to discuss. You have every right to be upset. Like others have said she may not have brought it up, he could have.

janda426 · October 2014

Wtf? I'd be contacting the salon and asking them to please tell their employees to avoid giving marital sexual advice. Also not speaking with your H until he can fucking grow up and respect the privacy of the intimate details of your relationship AND quit guilting you into sex. Not cool

stepherly · October 2014

Sorry you had to deal with that. I'd be pissed and hurt. Pissed that a conversation like that came up and hurt that he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. He should be happy he's getting some at all. Growing a baby is exhausting, but then you still have work, cleaning/cooking, and taking care of your child. He owes you a huge appology.

cafecreme · October 2014

ST3WD said:

Sorry he's being such dick-wiggle, literally and figuratively. The combination of everything your body is doing to make your baby on top of your stressors would put anyone's libido on hold.
Anyone who's actually dealing with it that is, since it sounds like he may not fully understand what sort of impact life is having on you right now.

As a side note, it may not be the stylist's fault. I don't personally do hair, but I have a fair share of friends in or recently graduated from cosmetology school. With so many of my IRL peers getting engaged/married, these girls are picking up a lot more male clients from fiance/wife referrals. (One friend to another type thing.) Apparently guys will bring this sort of thing up all the time, leading answers like manipulators do in therapy sessions. Most of the time my stylist friends brush it off and think nothing of it, but occasionally a hurt referral-providing friend will contact them.
"Why did you think this was okay to discuss??" kind of thing, until they mention that he brought it up and wouldn't drop it.
If she's was being professional by agreeing with him to move on to a different topic after a while, it may not be like you're imagining. My thought is guys don't want to lie "technically", so they find "someone else" to agree with them. Most of the time it's someone being paid to do a service, like a stylist. Do you say no to the guy who comes in reliably or just try to move on?

Sorry if that was too long, but I was just trying to say it might not be her fault. Maybe he's apprehensive to approach you since you've been upset/stressed, so he went the ULTRA-ANNOYING passive aggressive route?
I do hope you can get him to communicate with you and shut his mouth around others!

I don't think so, I just honestly think he's being a douche. He's brought up MANY times to me about our sex life, and we should be doing it more. He tries to guilt me into it like a lot of PP's have said. He wants sex like every day, and well, it's never been like that and not sure why he thinks it'll change.

And this hairstylist has said obnoxious stuff to me and DH before, so I wouldn't put it past her. Also, her lifestyle is a lot different than me and DH's, she's single and always going from bf to bf. So maybe she doesn't understand yet.

cafecreme · October 2014

colleen4019 said:

Dude he should not have gone there. Not cool at all. Also it seriously grosses me out when people talk about 'giving' or 'withholding' sex as reward or punishment. If that's how you realistically think about sex you're in the wrong relationship. My DH and I had a serious talk about how things would likely change in terms of frequency, etc. once I was pregnant/ babies arrive. He is probably more okay with the slightly decreased frequency than I am. This is just something you have to deal with when additional responsibilities enter your life. Does he acknowledge that he shouldn't have talked about that with her? Or is he denying that it was inappropriate?

He thinks it was OK...which I told him it wasn't, and that's something personal.

Like, what does he think I'm going to do? Be happy about him telling her? And follow her instructions and give him more sex? How stupid does that sound?!? Wtf.

cafecreme · October 2014

cwbandthenewbie said:

Yeah, talking about your sex life with someone of the opposite sex is off limits. And I would think a lot less of the his hair dresser too. Telling a married person of the opposite sex that their spouse isn't "giving it up enough" is crossing a big fucking line.

Yea, I pretty much told him he was being an asshole, and if I see the "twatting whore" again I'll rip her hair out. LOL

cafecreme · October 2014

CityBee said:

I'd be so pissed if my H was talking about our sex life to anyone, let alone his female hairdresser. So incredibly inappropriate. And fuck her for thinking it's ok to not only talk about your marital sex life to your husband, but to also say that you should be giving it up more?! Dude. She can fuck right off and I wouldn't mind telling her that either if she had this conversation with my husband. I really hope your H figures out how inappropriate this whole thing was.

Also, in what world did he think he was going to tell you about this and you were going to be like, "I've totally seen the error of my ways, honey. Your hairdresser is so right, I SHOULD be giving it up more. Come here, you big hunk of man!". In my house, he'd be lucky to get any for the rest of the pregnancy after that nonsense.
[-X

Exactly.

wishiwaspreggo · October 2014

I had an ex who pressured me to have sex when I didn't want it so I finally said "Fine" and opened my legs. I stared off into space while he nailed me and waited for him to finish. Needless to say he was very unhappy with my response and stopped pestering me when I said "no."

I was a bit of a bitch when I was in my early 20's.

hydrangeablue · October 2014

Ew. She sounds like one of those girls that's trying to be a "cool girl" and sound awesome so all of the boys like her.

He needs to snap back to reality and get over himself.

Whitfry · October 2014

My husband would never see that hairdresser again. Call me paranoid, but that sounds like the kind of thing a woman fishing for a hook up would say to a married man. Not appropriate at all.

And shame on your husband for not only engaging in that conversation, but for trying to use it to manipulate you! I wish I could beat him with a rolled-up newspaper. Ugh.

Haps92907 · October 2014

That sucks. I would be really pissed off and hurt.

colleen4019 · October 2014

hydrangeablue said:
Ew. She sounds like one of those girls that's trying to be a "cool girl" and sound awesome so all of the boys like her.

He needs to snap back to reality and get over himself.

In fairness if she isn't pregnant/doesn't have kids you don't really know how things can change. I would say everyday is a pretty fair expectation for people without kids. That was the minimum for my DH and I before we bought a house & for pregnant. Not there's quite a lot to get done every day & I am more tired. I knew logically things would change as our lives changed- but a year ago I would have said 1x a week would indicate the need for marital counseling at best, divorce at worst. Now I'm more forgiving and understand people go through day patches. I could not maintain my sanity on a 1x/week schedule tho. Sex is a huge part of my life.

My point is that the hairdresser may actually believe that 1x/week is crazy. It DOES NOT justify the conversation in any way. It's still super inappropriate.

cafecreme · October 2014

@colleen4019, thing is, she does have kids! They're older though, 9 and 7.

colleen4019 · October 2014

cafecreme said:
@colleen4019, thing is, she does have kids! They're older though, 9 and 7.

No I agree with OP totally. I was just thinking that the hairdresser was out of line but probably offering an honest opinion.

cafecreme · October 2014

And I've said before she's said obnoxious things...well a few years ago she told H (while we were newlyweds) that if he was single she would date him. I told him that she was on thin ice then...now this conversation and her saying that comment really makes me question her motives, and his.

colleen4019 · October 2014

earthian said:

cafecreme said:
And I've said before she's said obnoxious things...well a few years ago she told H (while we were newlyweds) that if he was single she would date him. I told him that she was on thin ice then...now this conversation and her saying that comment really makes me question her motives, and his.
Yea...you're done with that salon. Good bye.

cafecreme · October 2014

Yea, I told him that he needs to find another hairdresser.

Every time we get into an argument though, he never backs down, and I'm always the one apologizing so things can be civil. I can't get through his thick head that this isn't OK. He honestly thinks I'm the one being unreasonable. He's so immature sometimes and right now only gives a shit about himself.

For example, my MIL has been in the hospital since last week, and all he cared about was finding the exact car he wanted, in this particular color. Like, who gives a flying fuck what color it is?? There's more important things to worry about! He was also so obsessed on finding a car that he pretty much forgot about our anniversary and didn't get me a card. If I didn't make dinner reservations we would of done nothing.

He also keeps bringing up that our 16 month old daughter is getting fat. I told her she's a toddler, and she has a healthy appetite, and likes her milk, especially when she's teething. He told me to take away her bottles at night. Fuck that. I'm the one taking care of her, and know what she needs. She's 80% for height and weight, and is proportional, so I'm not worried. But comments like that make me feel like he doesn't give a shit what I do, or I'm doing it wrong. I don't tell him that he's doing the wrong thing at his job...why criticize me. He's just been all sorts of douche levels the last few weeks.

He also criticizes my weight from time to time too. I never lost the baby weight from having DD (birth control made me gain weight, and stress from breastfeeding), and then wanted me to get pregnant, so now he's up my ass on how much I'm gaining, and said "by Christmas time I'll be rolling you around the house". Yea, not funny, and makes me feel like shit. I have NEVER said anything to him like that. In all honesty, the last 6 months I feel like I'm just living with a really annoying/criticizing roommate that pays for everything.

Haps92907 · October 2014

Yikes.

cafecreme · October 2014

pearsforpoops said:

I'm sorry but your H sounds like a huge douche. What's his problem? I wouldn't stand for that shit. At all.

If my H treated me like that he'd be staying at a hotel alone for a few nights while he remembered to appreciate me.

Is there backstory here that I'm missing/forgetting? Have y'all considered marriage counselling?

No real back story, he's normally a really good husband and father, it's just recently some stuff that comes out of his mouth is hurtful. I don't know if that's his intention, it's probably more of like a hint that I should be aware of it, and will try to laugh it off, but it really is hurtful. This last comment about the hair stylist and giving it up has just pushed me to the edge. I have no clue how to resolve it if he's not willing to find his error.

cafecreme · October 2014

happymamax2 said:

Wow your h is on a whole other level of douchebaggery. Fuuuuuuuuck that. Talking about you and your DD's weight? Disrespectful to you the wife and mother of his children? His own mother is sick and all he cares about is something he wants? Uhhhh fuck that narcissitic shit! This whole post really wants to bring the ghetto out of me! I'm so sorry you have a narcissitic asshole for a husband! I'm sure there's a reason why you married him and maybe this is just one facet to him that is really ugly but please don't let him say those things about you or her around your dd. It doesn't matter how old she is, she will absorb it and have body conscious issues if it continues. Seriously so many hugs for you!!!!

Yea, I had body image issues pretty much my whole life, so I know the feeling. Normally at a time like this I talk to his mom, she's the only one who can talk sense into him. But, seeing that she's in the hospital I don't want to burden her with the shit that spews out of his mouth or our petty arguments.

cafecreme · October 2014

pearsforpoops said:

cafecreme said:

pearsforpoops said:

I'm sorry but your H sounds like a huge douche. What's his problem? I wouldn't stand for that shit. At all.

If my H treated me like that he'd be staying at a hotel alone for a few nights while he remembered to appreciate me.

Is there backstory here that I'm missing/forgetting? Have y'all considered marriage counselling?

No real back story, he's normally a really good husband and father, it's just recently some stuff that comes out of his mouth is hurtful. I don't know if that's his intention, it's probably more of like a hint that I should be aware of it, and will try to laugh it off, but it really is hurtful. This last comment about the hair stylist and giving it up has just pushed me to the edge. I have no clue how to resolve it if he's not willing to find his error.

I'm so sorry for you. Stubbornness/arrogance/ego/whateveryouwanttocallit can be a serious relationship killer. DH and I struggle with the same issue (on both our parts, TBH).

If you can't get him to communicate and really hear that he's hurting you, I really would suggest counselling. The outside invovlement and perspective might be what he needs to see what he's really doing.

I think the other part of it is that he just thinks it's OK to of brought it up because the hairdresser agrees with him. I wish he could see this thread, because if that's the case I have like 30+ women on my side.

colleen4019 · October 2014

@cafecreme‌ I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. It sounds like its a recent thing? He hasn't been like this long..? If that's the case could you've dealing with fallout from what's going on with your MIL? Or an early midlife crisis?

Maybe you could talk him into some counseling? It sounds like you need support.

Whitfry · October 2014

The hairdresser is feeding his enormous ego, of course he likes that!

I don't know your situation, but if my H ever said anything like that to me I would leave and stay with my parents or some friends until he begged for forgiveness and cleaned to whole damn house to boot.

At this point, it sounds like his nastiness has no consequences. Is there anything you can do to provide some push-back against his inappropriate behavior? If he's normally ok and just acting like an overgrown man child temporarily, you may be able to snap him back to his senses.

jnowosielski · October 2014

@cafecreme I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Hopefully it is just a bump in the road, but just please make sure not to let him push or emotionally manipulate you any more then he has. I am all for forgiveness if it is warranted, but he has to want it.

(hugs)

Rant about how stupid my H is.

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