how do you handle when your and your DH disagree on discipline?

njbride0603 · October 2014

we currently aren't agreeing on how to discipline our DD who is 6 for misbehaving in school...talking, not listening, nothing earth shattering but stuff she needs to be changing.

or when you disagree do you still stand behind your DH if he feels strongly about doing something?

njbride0603 · October 2014

the problem is we didn't even get a chance to discuss any options b/c he just went ahead with it himself...when I got home on Monday he had already sent her to her room and told she had to stay there the rest of the night except to eat dinner. When I went up and talked to her he got mad b/c I didn't scream at her like he did. After a 2nd day of her coming home from school with a report of talking too much or not following directions he wanted to spank her, throw away toys and send her to her room for the night. there is some other stuff going on that I think is contributing to his anger towards this but either way he then told her that if she doesn't come home with green stars the rest of the week she can't go tot he pumpkin carving party at his parents house and then if she gets a red star next week she won't be going trick or treating....

Unknown · October 2014

This content has been removed.

Unknown · October 2014

This content has been removed.

njbride0603 · October 2014

I dont' know that she's necessarily being punished at school....she gets 3 warnings and has to move her behavior pin down to red (they start on green) but that' basically it. so she's leaving it up to us to deal with at home. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt b/c the fact that she's in a new place, new teacher, way more kids, and b/c she has never consistenly had this coming home from daycare/private kindergarten (her birthday is after cut-off so she is repeating Kindergarten). having said that I also think a part of it is that she's bored b/c she has been reading for 9 months and I think what is being taught currently is not engaging her b/c she already knows it. my husband doesn't want to hear this though and is not very easy to work with...but that's a story for another day. thanks for all the comments though...kind of helps validate what I already thought about what to do.

AZ123 · October 2014

I would wait until he's calm, has a beer in front of him and then approach the situation that we're both frustrated but need to come to an agreement on how to handle this.

We had the same problem with DS1 in kinder with severe bad behavior (he was almost going to be suspended!). We were punishing and punishing and it wasn't until we switched and started rewarding him that he went 100% perfect. We gave him a dollar each time he came home with a good report and then a bad report meant he had to give us a dollar. I also started talking to him about what he was going to buy with his money to give even more incentive.

You can also do some role playing at home or talk about what to do when you want to talk but someone else is talking (i.e. keep it in your head until recess. Think about something else, etc.)

I usually let DH do his punishment thing and I only intervene if I think it is too radical (that's happened once before).

SpaceGirlSpiff · October 2014

Uh... yeah... I don't get the screaming, throwing away toys and wanting to spank for getting some red stars at school, for what sounds like pretty basic behavior issues ... this is like, extreme reaction for not as extreme issues... especially when it sounds like she's in a transition with a new school/environment.....still kind of getting settled.... I mean, it sounds like there are so many factors at play here I don't see how it's effective at all, and it's not going to get him the result he wants so then what?

I would talk to him.

When H and I disagree I try to approach him in a "brainstorming" kind of way, because if I come off too lectury (I'm making that a word!), he will get defensive and clam up on me...so I try to approach it like "You know, we've been doing xyz in response to this behavior, but I don't feel like it's as effective and doesnt seem to be correcting the problem...I believe xyz is the wrong course of action because of (whatever my reasonings are)... I wonder if we try doing 'abc' next time instead to see if that works better?" ... kind of along those lines. I also try my best to make sure not to have one of these discussions or make a comment against H in front of DS but... I admit there have been times I've slipped a bit if I felt something was way out of line ... working on that. He can be a little more strict in his way of thinking than I am (and I'm not pushover), but some issues with H can be a little too black/white for me or he loses his patience faster, and it's hard for me not to want to step in at times and be like ... "dude...relax."

njbride0603 · October 2014

yes we have talked to her teacher and she says a lot of it is her age and sometimes it takes longer for some to understand she has to listen and behave etc. My husband has a lot of issues...I'm trying to deal with him, show our children we are united but that's hard b/c I don't agree with him. when she came home with the 2nd red star we did take away tv that night. I had her sit at the table while I was making dinner and do school stuff (she doesn't get homework yet). after it started happening more times I sent an email to the teacher. In the class if they get a full week of green stars they get a prize...we told her if she did that we would also give her a prize but I think smaller increments may be better...like OP suggested a dollar for every green star. My mom always was a yeller and I dont' want to be like that which is why I tend to try other ways. He unfortunately reacts the same way to our 34 month old....

billybumbler · October 2014

I think something worth mentioning too is that you should talk to your kid about consequences before they happen, because otherwise they will just seem random and illogical to them.

You should sit down with her and tell her that if she gets 5 red things, she will lose X privilege, if she gets a green thing she gets candy, whatever you agree on with your H. But tell her before the consequences happen and remind her often. And be consistent - don't do things you didn't warn her about and follow up on things you agreed on.

I also think your H's reaction was extreme and maybe he needs to know more about what is developmentally appropriate.

sleepy33 · October 2014

njbride0603 said:

yes we have talked to her teacher and she says a lot of it is her age and sometimes it takes longer for some to understand she has to listen and behave etc. My husband has a lot of issues...I'm trying to deal with him, show our children we are united but that's hard b/c I don't agree with him. when she came home with the 2nd red star we did take away tv that night. I had her sit at the table while I was making dinner and do school stuff (she doesn't get homework yet). after it started happening more times I sent an email to the teacher. In the class if they get a full week of green stars they get a prize...we told her if she did that we would also give her a prize but I think smaller increments may be better...like OP suggested a dollar for every green star. My mom always was a yeller and I dont' want to be like that which is why I tend to try other ways. He unfortunately reacts the same way to our 34 month old....

You shouldn't be united with him, his response is way out of line. This is not a co-parenting problem, this is a one parent is not acting appropriately problem.

aglenn · October 2014

Yeah, my DH has a similar tendency to overreact. In his case I honestly think he has adult ADHD, but that is a separate story. I get what you are saying because I know having a united front is important and I can't always save the day, etc. but given that I have tried to discuss with him approximately 8,000x the need to reign in his OWN behavior first... and he will agree in calm moments but then do it again.... I have gotten to the point where I will step in and shut it down right in front of the kids because bottom line it is not appropriate and I want them to know that I will stand up for them. I will say something like, "Whoa, OK, we all need to settle down for a minute here" and separate them until we can talk about it calmly.

carrotcake06 · October 2014

It also sounds like your DD is bored in K. Since it's still the beginning of the year, is there any opportunity to work with the teacher or school to do some enrichment activities to keep her more engaged?

In regards to parenting, we do the "united front" thing, but we have very similar parenting styles so it hasn't been a big issue.

njbride0603 · October 2014

there are A LOT of underlying issues....

aglenn said:

Yeah, my DH has a similar tendency to overreact. In his case I honestly think he has adult ADHD, but that is a separate story. I get what you are saying because I know having a united front is important and I can't always save the day, etc. but given that I have tried to discuss with him approximately 8,000x the need to reign in his OWN behavior first... and he will agree in calm moments but then do it again.... I have gotten to the point where I will step in and shut it down right in front of the kids because bottom line it is not appropriate and I want them to know that I will stand up for them. I will say something like, "Whoa, OK, we all need to settle down for a minute here" and separate them until we can talk about it calmly.

its funny this (in bold) was mentioned b/c I was just reading an article about ADHD and last year he was diagnosed with bi-polar tendencies and was going to counseling and was on medicine. that has stopped...I'm struggling with MANY things currently but my kids are the most important thing to me and I'm trying to deal with that first. we've also gone to marriage counseling....he ends up wanting to stop....our last woman I thought was helpful he thought she was an idiot and didn't provide anything worth wile. I appreciate all the responses...depending on his mood he can be rational...so I plan to try to talk to him about our DD. He just found out he got an 2nd interview at this place he really likes so that should put him in a better mood....

sleepy33 · October 2014

So many red flags here. If he has bipolar, he needs treatment. This is not something he can control on his own. If he's out of work and has no health insurance, he can receive treatment at his local community mental health center at no cost. Having a new job won't fix things, and frankly might not last long if he has untreated bipolar. I say this as someone who grew up with a father with schizophrenia, the best thing my mother ever did for our family was insist he get treatment. Full stop. No other option if he wanted to remain in their marriage.

NotSharknado · October 2014

If my dh handled things by yelling and screaming, I'd be the one deciding on how to parent/discipline and he'd be getting his ass kicked all the way to parenting classes.

Want a personalized experience?

how do you handle when your and your DH disagree on discipline?

Re: how do you handle when your and your DH disagree on discipline?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards