Living with inlaws while pregnant/with newborn

sweetdreamz6700 · October 2014

I feel like a sold a small part if my soul.

After a discussion with DH it looks like we will be putting our house on the market in Dec/Jan and living at FIL's until we buy. This could be 3 mths or ???.

So I'm kinda freaking out a bit. I briefly moved back in with my mom for a year in my early 20's but other than that I've been on my own for 14yrs. Pair that with super weird timing and you have me right now, freaking out.

I know this will be huuuge for us financially, especially long term. But I feel like this is going to be SO hard for me. I will be living with FIL, SIL and her 18mth old...we are adding DH, SS1, SS2 and a newborn. This sounds like chaos to me.

Have any of you been in or will be in a similar situation? Any advice, words of wisdom, hair pats?

regan342 · October 2014

I'm right there with you. DH and I are moving cross-country next month (back to the East Coast) and will be staying with his parents while we find a suitable place for ourselves. My FIL and I have had issues in the past, so this whole idea fills me with dread. Also, it means I don't get to nest. I feel like our DS will arrive, and I won't have anything prepared for him!

kefttsc · October 2014

I have not been in your situation, but good luck! If it financially is best, then you will make it work. It will be quite chaotic, but you can try to think of it as extra adults to help you take care of SS1 and SS2 until you get the new baby adjustments under control!

WanderingA · October 2014

DH and I lived with his parents for about 3 months when I was pregnant with Adeline, I feel your pain. We thought it would take a while to sell our super-old house but it sold the day we put it on the market so we had to move in with them when I was 7 months pregnant and stayed there until 1 week before I gave birth. His brother, SIL and their 2 daughters were also living there. It was really hard for me because I HATE sharing space with other people and I never really felt like it was my "home." Just try to remember that it is temporary and you will get to be in your own home eventually!

Neesey · October 2014

Can you put an offer in on another house that is contingent on you selling yours? Might make for a shorter transition.
My mil moved in with us after her divorce. It was less than fun and we were doing infertility treatments at the time too. I felt like the only room that I could relax in was our bedroom.....and then I found out she was going in there while we were at work. If I had to do it again, I'd set some very clear expectations with everyone. Who does dishes, who cleans up what, etc. I felt like a maid to my mil. Never again!!!

CogDis · October 2014

Good luck!

My only advice is to get into outside of the house routines now, so you have some excuses to get out for a break.

Start a walk date with a friend or join a class or something.

mishka29 · October 2014

After reading that IL's post last night I say NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

But seriously, if you don't hate their guts then do it, make sure it's temporary and just enjoy the extra family bonding time!

ConstanceGoodspeed · October 2014

It took us a year to find and buy our house. No way would I live with anyone, even/especially family for an undetermined amount of time.

Have you looked into renting an apartment? Or, if you are convinced it really will only be three months, extended stay suites? Obviously they are not free, like living with family, but it will retain your sense of pride and independence, and maybe help keep you sane.

usmcwife89 · October 2014

I will be in a similar situation but after I have the baby. We didn't get the house we put an offer in on recently. Too many people and it became a bidding war. We decided to keep renting until DH is out of the Marine Corps next year. After he gets out, we are going to move back home and stay with his father until we purchase. Could be a couple months, who knows. I know it's not until next year.. But I am already freaking out. It will be myself, DH, our baby will be 7 months-ish, his father and his wife, and DH's 17 year old brother. :-/

jmcgra06 · October 2014

My MIL moved in with us shortly after we found out we were having DD, and moved out a year later. It was ABSOLUTE. FUCKING. HELL. She did nothing, let her pets pee all over our house, ate all our food, drank all our alcohol, paid nothing, and complained the entire time. Our relationship has been destroyed, and DH and I fought almost non-stop. If you are having second thoughts, I would strongly consider them. I would prefer to share a studio apartment and rent a storage unit with DH then to ever go through that again. If you do move in, I would have an absolute timeline and stick with it. We told MIL she could stay "as long as she needed to get things figured out." She left long before figuring it out.

I am sorry to be a negative Nancy - good luck to you in whatever you choose !

Beth.1212 · October 2014

Hair pats. Lots and lots of hair pats.

I moved in with my ILs when DH and I were getting ready to buy a house. Things took longer than we thought, and we ended up being there a whole year. It was just DH and me at the time. I have to admit that my one stipulation was that we move to an apartment if I got pregnant - I really wasn't comfortable living at the ILs with a baby.

My ILs were very welcoming and generous, and we had a good amount of space. Still, their household routines and cleaning standards were not what I was used to, and I was VEEEERY glad to move out!

I don't think I could move my family in with the ILs at this point. If I had to move in with them, I'd have to have a solid "out" date, even if that meant we were moving into an apartment temporarily. If that'd help you handle the situation, it might be worth considering.

Izzy0927 · October 2014

We moved in with my in laws while our house was under construction. We estimated 4 months, but our contractor was a doucher and it ended up being around 8 months. During that time, BIL also ended up moving back home, so there were 5 adults under one roof. I used to hide in my bathroom with the shower running and a bottle of wine.

Honestly, it wasn't that terrible. Everyone was feeling a little desperate by the end of the time, but I think that was just because we knew how close we were to construction being complete.

Have clear expectations with everyone on the same page (laundry, cooking, buying and eating groceries, date nights, TV, utilities bills) and make sure that you and your husband are getting out of the house once in a while. I went to the gym so much just because I needed to be alone. That might be harder with a newborn, but maybe you can find some classes or mothers groups to help you get out. Good luck! You can make anything work for a certain amount of time.

sweetdreamz6700 · October 2014

Thanks for all the replies. I'm glad that I'm not the only one that has had to go through this or sees the stress in all this.

To answer your questions.... we have a couple of reasons for not staying until its sold. Mainly we'll need to clean up the hardwoods and everthing will need moved out. Also showing the home would be difficult with our pets. FIL is totally on board with us being there. Not sure about SIL, she moved in knowing that would be our plan so I guess so? My main concern is cramped quarters and lack of freedom.

We don't want to buy contingent on a sale because the market it SO hot here. Waiting on everything to go through will also help us get set up for better financing ie: 20% down and a much better debt to income ratio. Renting an apartment is also basically impossible with 2 dogs and 3 cats.

Hopefully this can be short term....like 3 mths tops. But the way housing goes here it may take longer. I will try to keep in mind its all for the very best long term and we'll be in a new place for quite awhile.

I b do like the idea of getting out and doing things that are just us. And while we aren't a couple that had a tv in our room I may have put one in there just so I have a somewhere I can go and veg if needed.

My big thing at this second is that there is no nesting for me. And it sucks SO bad. We'll have the bassinet and an extra dresser in our room but thats it.

Ace226 · November 2014

I couldn't do it with a newborn. We're currently in this situation and stressing to find a place before DS arrives. I suppose it depends on how well you get along with your in-laws, but let's just say we've had plenty of issues. Even though they've (bizarrely) said we're welcome to stay even after the baby is born, this has been enough stress on our marriage that I can't imagine that coupled with the stress of new parenthood.
I guess if it's best, my biggest piece of advice is set ground rules/expectations. My in laws expect to know where we are ALL THE TIME, which makes me feel like a teenager again and I've got no patience for it anymore. I don't think it's important unless it's someone coming over (which never happens anyway) or if we'll be home for dinner, really.
The no nesting thing drives me nuts too; we've been here since May (May!) and it still just feels foreign. I can't wait to relax in our own place and be able to be our own family unit again rather than being expected to integrate into somebody else's.

Whew. Sorry that was long; I've just struggled with so much depression since we've gotten here and I hope it goes better for you

pippie90 · November 2014

We lived with my in laws for 7 months I moved in May and had my baby August, so I had to bring my newborn to their house and it was horrible to not have my own space. It was pretty hard on everyone because they woke up every morning ready to see the precious baby, while you just want to stay inside your room never come out and basically stay in comfortable clothes no bra all day trying to breastfeed and cope with hormones and healing.. They don't get it! To them I was rude for staying in my room most days. Good luck I had a bad experience hopefully you have it different! You can always vent to us

good luck!

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