This is going to be weird...

aerotigergirl · October 2014

In the interest of keeping conversation going.... I'll ask you guys for your thoughts on this...

Several years ago, I met (IRL) a local woman who I'd met through an online forum. We had a lot in common, and we got along really well. Six weeks or so later, I learned that I was pregnant, and then another six weeks or so later, she found out she was pregnant, too! So, YAY! Something else we have in common. We were quickly becoming fast friends, and we got together fairly often (every month or so) to hang out.

We live on opposite sides of town (probably just over an hour for me to drive to her house), so that made it difficult for us to get together, but we still made time for each other. And then, as it sometimes happens, we started to grow apart. Especially after our kids were born, I started to notice that we didn't have as much in common anymore. We were still emailing and talking, but we weren't able to make time to get together as often anymore. She got involved in a mom's group in her part of town, and I noticed that when she would invite me to do things, she would also invite one of those moms along also. This sort of bothered me, because I didn't understand why she didn't want to spend time with just me anymore, but also because I never really fit in with her friends from the mom's group (different parenting styles, a lot of judgment and comments about the way H and I were choosing to do things with DS, etc). And I just sort of started to get the impression that our friendship was one-sided, and it was really only continuing because I was making an effort to continue it at a time when she was more interested in only putting effort into her friendships with her new mom's group friends.

Finally, at her daughter's 2nd birthday party, it was just sort of obvious (to me) that the friendship wasn't what it used to be, and it mostly just stressed me out to be around her. So, I didn't do/say anything to actively end the friendship, but I figured I'd just let it naturally die. And it did. We spoke less and less frequently, until we weren't talking to each other at all. And I was totally ok with that, because sometimes friendships come and go and that is perfectly normal.

Well, she called me last week.

She and her H had been trying for a year to get pregnant again with no success, so she was trying to come to terms with the idea of having only one child. As a result of that, she had some hand-me-downs that she wondered if I wanted. (We are still friends on FB, though neither of us posts often, and apparently she follows me on Pinterest because she knew that I was having a little girl.)

So, I said yes, I would get together with her to see if there's anything I wanted from her stuff that was otherwise headed to consignment. I didn't know how to say no without hurting her feelings or seeming ungrateful.

I feel completely awkward about this. We haven't seen each other for a year and a half. I know she's going to want to delve into why that has happened. And I feel really terrible going to see her with this huge pregnant belly to prepare for the arrival of our new baby, at a time when she's trying to come to terms with the fact that they've recently decided to stop trying to grow their family. I worry that it will just be painful for her, like I'm rubbing my pregnant belly in her face by just being there.

So. There's that. The plan is that I'll go to her house on Friday. Should I go through with this? Should I be honest with her about why we've fallen out of touch, or just try to blame it on "life getting in the way", etc? Should I try to resume a friendship with her now, even after I got the impression (way back then) that our friendship was mostly one-sided?

If you made it this far, you get a donut:

tl;dr: My ex-friend wants to see me on Friday to give me some hand-me-downs. We haven't see each other in 1.5years. I feel awkward (even more awkward than I typically do in social situations).

peggels24 · October 2014

Keep the date. Take the hand-me-downs.

As far as the friendship....IF she brings it up, I would just be honest with her and tell her that you felt like maybe you were forcing something that wasn't there so you didn't make the extra effort. I'm curious if she thinks anything of it - maybe she just thinks of you as a friend still but sometimes people fall out of touch. I have lots of "once or twice a year friends" and don't think anything of it.

LadyXaverian · October 2014

Unless she has been trying to maintain the friendship and you were the one actively avoiding her, it took 2 of you to end the friendship or let it die out. If she asks you why it ended, I don't see why you need to expand beyond, "I don't know, I guess sometimes people just drift apart," or even, "I don't really know.. why do you think it happened?"

I bet she doesn't even ask.

MusicFanatic · October 2014

I think I would go.

I really wouldn't worry about hurting her because you're pregnant and she's not. Remember that SHE did the initial re-contacting. I think if it were going to bother her to see you pregnant, she likely wouldn't have made the step to offer the clothes and see you.

And I would absolutely be honest. But I'm sort of like that- if I'm put in that position, I can be confrontational (not in a bad way, but a truthful way) and I would say I felt like things were growing apart a bit. I know some people don't have the nerve to tell it like it is, though.

You don't have to be best friends with her or anything. I have some friends I see very rarely and we just kind of resume our friendship each time. We're not incredibly close, but I enjoy the company every so often from them. Then we don't talk for awhile. Then we pick it back up, etc. If i were SUPER different from these people I probably wouldn't maintain that. If you feel you have NOTHING in common with her anymore, I would make step back. But I would still go see her this time. You never know how it'll turn out

kellyfo14 · October 2014

She is the one who invited you so I wouldn't feel awkward about showing up pregnant. She knows what she is getting into. Maybe she is looking for some support and maybe she isn't getting it from the friends she has now. As far as letting the friendship re-kindle? I say just send her a thank you note and just see how things go. It doesn't sound as though there are any hurt feelings between the two of you. It really was life getting in the way. I think leaving out the bit about her mom's group friends is not lying just letting it go. It is very well possible that these people are no longer part of her circle too.

Maebb · October 2014

As long as you feel like you know her well enough to know that the situation on Friday will not turn volatile (like no crazy yelling or risks other than awkwardness), I would keep the date and graciously accept the clothes. Maybe have a cup of tea or whatever and talk with her about whatever she wants to talk about. Be a friend and a listening ear if she brings up the IF struggles.

I don't think she'll confront you on the issue of not being in so close of contact, but if she does, I agree with what @LadyXaverian‌ said. You could maybe be a little honest (or at least not dishonest), but I don't think it's necessary to go into the details of why you let the friendship die. It would seem bratty for you to be like, "Yeah, thanks for the clothes. P.S., I don't like your parenting choices and didn't really enjoy being around you." Obviously you wouldn't say it that way, but you'd want to avoid anything that could be perceived that way.

britb618 · October 2014

If your interested in seeing her and the clothes I would go. I have friends that come in and out of my life and to be honest I would avoid the whole why we haven't seen each other discussion. Not because I wouldn't be honest but it sounds like she is going through some thing tough and extending an olive branch so if you decide to accept I would just let the past go and see if you can move on.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

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aerotigergirl · October 2014

Thanks, everyone.

@LadyXaverian definitely brought up a good point that always seems to slip by me in these situations. During this whole time that I wasn't contacting her, she wasn't contacting me either. In these situations, I always tend to feel really guilty for not contacting the other person, and I take on all of the responsibility for the lack of communication. But phones/email work both ways! She was letting the friendship die just as much as I was, at the end of the day.

And I think that maybe you're right. Perhaps this is her reaching out to me as a friend because she needs me in her life right now to help her get through something that she's struggling with. Maybe it's the secondary IF that she and H are experiencing, or maybe it's something else. But regardless, if she's reaching out to me because she needs my friendship, then I should be there for her, regardless of what happened in the past.

Knowing this particular gal, I feel like she will bring up our absence from each other's lives. Our friendship, in the past, was pretty open when it came to pretty much anything. We were open with each other about things we were working through in therapy, marital problems, sexual problems, etc. So, I feel like it might come up. And I think maybe the best way to phrase it is just "Well, it felt like we were just growing in different directions at that time" and to try to keep in my own mind that it wasn't SOLELY my own doing - that she grew away from me, too.

To be clear, I never had a problem at all with her parenting choices. Her mom's group friends were vocal about their disgust with my decision to continue breastfeeding DS past an age that they deemed appropriate. And my decision to breastfeed publicly. I was just a little too crunchy for their tastes, I suppose. Obviously, this isn't something that I'd bring up with her on Friday. I just didn't want you all to get the wrong impression that I was the type of person to make comments about someone else's parenting choices.

llambrose · October 2014

I get feeling a little awkward but if it were me, I would go. I don't think that you should feel weird about being pregnant, she obviously knows that is the case. As far as the state of the friendship, you both let it drop so I wouldn't really worry about that either, I doubt she will really press you about it or look for you to have answers about it. If it did get brought up, I would most likely just play it off as things are so busy and it is great to catch up, kind of take the pressure off of both of you. It may turn in to a rekindling of the friendship, it may not. I also have friends that I go super long periods of time without seeing because life gets in the way but it is still nice to catch up.

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