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April 2015 Moms
Barreness
member
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Need advice: Husband seems not to give a damn
Barreness
member
Long time lurker, first time poster. I'm freaking out and need some advice. It took us three years to finally get pregnant (IVF finally worked), including a miscarriage a year ago, and my husband really seems like he's not excited at all. And maybe doesn't care about me either. I'm about 16 weeks pregnant, and I can't get him interested in talking about any of it. He's never looked at a single baby book (except when I read it to him or force one into his hands--he's polite then, but clearly unexcited), he doesn't want to talk about names or registries or anything. When I ask if he wants to listen to the heartbeat with the doppler, he says no thanks and goes to do something else. He's moved out of the bedroom into the guest room, he says to let me sleep better. He's not the type to have an affair (just trust me on that), but I'm really worried and he won't talk to me about this. When I've tried he says he is excited and won't really explain any of this behavior. I know he thinks I'm a crazy person with the hormones these days, too, but I'm not crazy enough to make all this up. He's decided what he really wants to do is a "green audit" of the house, and he's been inviting various contractors into the house to talk about options. When I tell him that maybe we have other things we'll need to spend money on in the house, he says that this will save us money so it won't be a problem (but what about the $4000-$5000 bill??). You'd think after we tried so long that he'd be excited, but nope.
Has anyone else's husband checked out like this during pregnancy?
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Re: Need advice: Husband seems not to give a damn
Has he gone with you to the doctors apts? Sometimes that helps men to bond. Hopefully if you give it a lil more time he will come around, def communicate your feelings with him but try not to let your hormones get the best of you!
Good luck and I hope he gets excited soon!!
I do think that him moving out of the bedroom is strange.
Men aren't mind readers. Express how you feel to him. Sometimes husbands don't get the reality of it until the baby is born.
Until I sat my DH down and made him talk to me he didn't know what was going on I my head. Once I explained how he was making me feel, he explained how I'm the mother and I'm the one that is pregnant, he wanted me to make choices since it's my body and not pressure me. He still hates to talk and won't read the books but I know he cares, I'm sure your DH does as well!
Edit: We had two miscarriages before DD and two before this pregnancy, my DH just tried not to get his hopes up until we were into our second trimester, so "he could be strong for me, he didn't want to be attached" (his words)
As for the house stuff, maybe it's his own way of letting out his emotions and he is preparing for the baby even if he doesn't realize it??
The moving out of the bedroom thing is weird and if you don't like it, I would just tell him. My DH got to where - for awhile - he didn't sleep well in the bed. I don't know why. It was really random and he would go out and sleep on the sofa. I HATED it and asked him to please try and sleep with me. He listened and did. Now he will occasionally wake up early in the morning, go out and watch tv and fall asleep again out there. That doesn't bother me as much.
My husband didn't act interested in any of my previous 3 pregnancies, or this one either. Even when I'd try to put his hand on my belly when the babies were kicking, he'd take it away because he just didn't care until he could actually see the baby. I promise you, this is NO indication of how he will be as a father when the baby is here. Put yourself in his shoes. It's just not real to him yet, and clearly he's preparing in his own way.
My husband is at least polite enough to listen when I babble about pregnancy stuff, but I can tell he just wants to get out of the room! I try to be sensitive to him too, because this is just how he is. When I was young and stupid with our first pregnancy, it bothered me, but I'm totally over it because I see how much he loves his kids. Hope this helps!
Remember you are in it together and just let him do his thing and go and enjoy a massage and catch up with your girlfriends while you can pram free!!!
Good luck and enjoy your bubba x
This time, he's a little more excited but not as much. I'm a lot more relaxed about him being unattached because I know he's going to love our new baby when he/she is here. Try to be patient with him, especially given your history. Men process things emotionally different than women. Chances are, he's going to be thrilled when LO is here.
Your partner has suffered a loss, so it may be even trickier for him. Others have already mentioned possibilities for him fixing up the house. As for sleeping in the other room, he might actually be trying to sleep better, himself. I don't know about you, but between the heartburn and the belly and the overheating, I'm a mess in bed. I'm up right now, if that's any indicator. Pregnant women don't seem easy to sleep with. Maybe he's trying to get a full night's rest without hurting your feelings?
(I'd try giving him a break with the books and that. A lot of guys just won't.)