Oh -hell- no [rant]

Reiden · October 2014

So I was talking to little Jack's [probable] father about, well, petty things, and we ended up on the topic of how Ohio's medicaid/child support/public assistance goes, and he says something about how nobody has to do a DNA test, just someone has to take claim as the kid's father [red flag #1]

And I go 'Well, even if I did want to keep him, I don't have anyone to watch Jack reliably if I wanted to go to work or class, so I don't think there's anything for me to be able to do, unless someone-- not implying you personally-- were to be living with me to watch Jack while I was gone.'

Of all the things to say to me, he decides "Whatever, your uterus, your choice" is the best possible response, obviously

I am so fucking livid you would not even believe. There are no words for the anger I feel.

/end rant

southernyankeegirl · October 2014

That sounds likes really awful conversation - I am sorry!

I feel like I am missing a few pieces of this puzzle - little Jack is your baby? And you aren't 100% on paternity? And you are considering choosing adoption? And are you still seeing this guy? All assumptions/questions I am drawing from between the lines of this post, I might have missed a previous post with more specific info.

Regardless, while it is def your uterus and ultimately your choice, it sucks he isn't more supportive of what is obviously a complicated emotional situation for you.

Reiden · October 2014

Aie, yes. It's really a split decision between the little one/Jack being his, or being my boyfriend's.. but seeing as my boyfriend never actually ehh how do I say this civilly, he never really finished. My boyfriend and I had a very interesting relationship setup that worked for us; we were always in a rather open relationship on either end. So long as we came to one another, talked about potential partners on either side and agreed upon/gave consent to allow the other to see said person, all was well. We spoke before I moved out to my boyfriend's in Utah, and agreed that since it was-- to our knowledge-- the last chance I'd see this guy, it wouldn't hurt to have one last fling. He's also a good mutual friend of my boyfriend and myself, so.. my boyfriend more or less encouraged one last fling, and leave with no hard feelings. We can see how that worked out.

I moved back home to be with family because my boyfriend nor I had the means or knowledge/experience to deal with a pregnancy, so I wanted to be near family who knew how to better support/help me. During all of this time, the father of little Jack has barely been lending an ear, shoulder, or care to the whole situation; he more or less said if I settled on adoption, he'd sign the papers saying he fathered it and he gave up his parental rights. Otherwise, not a peep out of him. The only time he offered to swing by my place was to go to a haunted house and maybe have another one-night stand, then go home. Obviously this was the only trip worthwhile to him, as being there for Jack's birth wasn't high enough on his priority list to set funds or time aside for; my boyfriend's coming out to be with me, for that.

Yes, I am going through with adoption, since I have no job, no way to earn income, nor a place of my own to bring Jack home to. I have nobody around to help me watch him when he needs to be watched.. so, adoption it has to be. I'd rather he go to a home that can take care of him, that's ready for him, than be selfish and keep him around when there's no way I can provide the life he deserves.

It might be 'my uterus, my decision', but last time I checked women don't spontaneously produce children without a bit of help. I think it's not past reason to ask him to at least pretend to give a shit about the future of his child, but oh, that just might be 'the hormones talking'

longcat07 · October 2014

he sounds like an awesome guy. /sarcasm

i'm sorry he's being such a douche about it.

Bigboneded · October 2014

Wow. That really sucks!
You moved back home to Ohio? To be around family, for help? Your boyfriend is still in the picture, will attend the birth, and you two stay together back in Utah?

I think adoption is a very noble choice, are you really decided on it? Youve named your child and sound like you would change your mind if (probable baby daddy) moved in with you? Have you explored keeping baby with your boyfriend? Again, I think adoption is an excellent option and many people depend on it to have a family.... but it is a very difficult decision, so you should be sure- because it's the best choice, not because their is no choice.
Feel free to rant here, maybe you dont need or desire advice or comments... I wish you and your little one the best, no matter your decision. Good Luck!

Maebb · October 2014

I'm sorry he's being so apathetic about the situation. It sounds complicated, and I hope you have peace and support in whatever you ultimately decide.

BookitBoo · October 2014

It does suck that he isn't engaged or interested in his child. FWIW, I don't know that he would make your decision any easier, unless you both made some big changes in your life to make it work for you to keep baby Jack (like moving in, and co-parenting ), but being supportive of any choice you want to make, not just the choice he wants you to make, would be really awsome. I'm glad your boyfriend is there for you, and plans to be at there when you go into labor.

Lots of thoughts and prayers -- this entire situation has to be so difficult for you.

And adoption is a great thing for everyone involved, I'm glad that you're working on it, for both you and jack!

Reiden · October 2014

Bigboneded said:

Wow. That really sucks! You moved back home to Ohio? To be around family, for help? Your boyfriend is still in the picture, will attend the birth, and you two stay together back in Utah? I think adoption is a very noble choice, are you really decided on it? Youve named your child and sound like you would change your mind if (probable baby daddy) moved in with you? Have you explored keeping baby with your boyfriend?
...

I did move back to Ohio, yes, for family and help. My boyfriend's still in the picture and attempting to help as much as he can over the computer and phone/Skype, but I won't be moving back to Utah. I haven't the money to move a third time in under six months.

If, gigantic IF here, I had the money to keep little Jack, I would. I wouldn't want Jack's father to move in with me because in all honesty, I'd be afraid I might seriously hurt him out of pure rage. He does a lot of stupid, insensitive shit. I can't move in and keep him with my boyfriend; my boyfriend has autism & asperger's, along with a slew of other disorders which wouldn't mix well with an unexpected/unplanned child. Plus, disability only gets you so much, money wise. Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to keep him, I think adoption is still the best choice.

4littlebears · October 2014

Reiden said:

Bigboneded said:

Wow. That really sucks!
You moved back home to Ohio? To be around family, for help? Your boyfriend is still in the picture, will attend the birth, and you two stay together back in Utah?

I think adoption is a very noble choice, are you really decided on it? Youve named your child and sound like you would change your mind if (probable baby daddy) moved in with you? Have you explored keeping baby with your boyfriend?
...

I did move back to Ohio, yes, for family and help. My boyfriend's still in the picture and attempting to help as much as he can over the computer and phone/Skype, but I won't be moving back to Utah. I haven't the money to move a third time in under six months.

If, gigantic IF here, I had the money to keep little Jack, I would. I wouldn't want Jack's father to move in with me because in all honesty, I'd be afraid I might seriously hurt him out of pure rage. He does a lot of stupid, insensitive shit. I can't move in and keep him with my boyfriend; my boyfriend has autism & asperger's, along with a slew of other disorders which wouldn't mix well with an unexpected/unplanned child. Plus, disability only gets you so much, money wise. Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to keep him, I think adoption is still the best choice.

~~quote fail~~

It sounds like you have a really good grasp of what's happening and I admire your courage! You are obviously a very loving and caring person. I agree the 'father' is being a dick, so I'm glad baby Jack has you for a mother to look after him. You will bless a wonderful family come January, with a child they can't give themselves and that is the absolute best gift a person can give!

nottarbt · October 2014

From the title, I assume you're just ranting and not necessarily seeking input, but there are a couple things worth noting here:

1) If you are going to give little Jack up for adoption, you need to educate yourself about Ohio law and the rights of a putative father versus a legal father. This is important, and you may make strategic decisions about how to interact with the father based on what you decide. Here's a link with some pertinent info:

https://adoption.about.com/od/adoptionrights/a/putfatunnec.htm

2) If you're planning to keep the child, the circumstances of conception, such as your open relationship, have no bearing on whether you are entitled to support. If you choose to keep Little Jack and you want to keep child support, you have to initiate that through the Child Support Enforcement Agency in your area. He cannot simply refuse to submit to DNA testing. Here's a link discussing that:

https://jfs.ohio.gov/ocs/OCSServices_Overview.stm

("If either party fails to submit to the test or fails to submit the child for genetic testing, the CSEA may request the court to find the party in contempt and determine the issue of paternity.")

It sounds like you're taking this very seriously and considering what's best for you and little Jack. Good luck.

bouguerba · October 2014

Wow I think you are smart and whatever you choose will be the best decision for you and your baby. That's what really matters. If you go with adoption I would really think about if you personally can handle that and research it more just so you know. Maybe even talk to other women choosing adoption on TB so you can get an idea. It is a huge decision but also may be the best option for your situation if you decide that. If you choose to keep him I agree with the other women in researching more about your rights. For example, in CA in most counties there are programs for single (in terms of unmarried) moms to benefit from. Some of which include housing, money, job, support groups etc..so if you want to keep him you can always do that too.
Either way you will clearly be supported here. It's not an easy decision but I know you will make the best one for your situation. Good luck!

GirlWithAnchors · October 2014

Why don't you just ask him now if he's serious at all or if not just completely cut him off from anything related to the pregnancy? If he doesn't want to be a father that's his choice same as if you don't want to be a mother it's your choice? I'm not trying to be mean or anything but its a bit unfair that we as woman fight for equally and then when it comes down to pregnancy if a guy isn't there he's a deadbeat, an asshole but if a woman doesn't want to be there or terminate, hell yeah feminism? Both parties (usually) consent to sex which is also a consent to saying hey there's a possibility that we might get pregnant. But if he's acting this way why even bother having that negitivity in your life? It also doesn't sound like your boyfriend is very supportive... If you get a test to see who dad is and it ends up being your boyfriend is he all for it or does he just not want a kid either? Also I'm using the word want but based on your situation it seems like you're just trying to do best for your baby whether you want to or not, (keep it that is)

Sorry it just irks me that we always blame men and that's just not the case. Ask him straight up and cut him off if needed. Like I said why add anymore stress.

Just my (most likely unpopular) opinion.

GirlWithAnchors · October 2014

@excitedmama2 its really hard! One of my best guy friends fell into depression after his ex girlfriend got pregnant and terminated without even telling him! He said he would have kept and raised the baby by himself if he had too and he had a lot of family support but its hard because it is her body and legally she has that choice but it's unfair. He would have honestly made a great dad! He broke up with her and then just stop talking to everyone and even took a month out of work. He works in an office with flexible hours and options to work from home. But now he's better thankfully and is planning to adopt

but its hard because its "weird" that a man wants a child. Hes even willing to take an older child but theyre putting him through the ringer. Idk its just unfair on both sides.

Reiden · October 2014

GirlWithAnchors said:

Why don't you just ask him now if he's serious at all or if not just completely cut him off from anything related to the pregnancy? If he doesn't want to be a father that's his choice same as if you don't want to be a mother it's your choice? I'm not trying to be mean or anything but its a bit unfair that we as woman fight for equally and then when it comes down to pregnancy if a guy isn't there he's a deadbeat, an asshole but if a woman doesn't want to be there or terminate, hell yeah feminism? Both parties (usually) consent to sex which is also a consent to saying hey there's a possibility that we might get pregnant. But if he's acting this way why even bother having that negativity in your life? It also doesn't sound like your boyfriend is very supportive... If you get a test to see who dad is and it ends up being your boyfriend is he all for it or does he just not want a kid either? Also I'm using the word want but based on your situation it seems like you're just trying to do best for your baby whether you want to or not, (keep it that is) Sorry it just irks me that we always blame men and that's just not the case. Ask him straight up and cut him off if needed. Like I said why add anymore stress. Just my (most likely unpopular) opinion.

I don't even really need to ask, he avoids the subject like the plague, but gets drunk and loudly proclaims that I'm pregnant to our group of friends when it was-- to my knowledge-- going to be kept on a need-to-know basis.

And you know, I don't blame men for shit like this, I blame idiots. This idiot just happens to be a guy.

My boyfriend is on disability. He's as supportive as he can be, given his situation, on top of the fact he's on the other side of the US. He spent all of his money moving me back home to family in Ohio, so could have the family support and resources to do what I need to do. He took on 2k of credit card debt, and struggles to pay it off given how little money he receives to make everything meet on his own, but hasn't once said anything negative to me about the situation he's in due to the cost of moving me back. This isn't about my boyfriend, this is about the other man.

The father's a known anxiety/depression sufferer, but I feel-- to an extent-- it's being used more as an excuse then a legitimate reason. If he doesn't want to father, fine. Just come out and straight up say it, don't hide behind your monitor and mope around, that doesn't give me a straight answer

@bookworm92 & @ExcitedMama2 : Stop being so damn cute/sweet you two, you're gonna give me diabetes! I appreciate your clarification, support, and help

*offers cookies to everyone*

GirlWithAnchors · October 2014

@Reiden‌ okay I didn't know all this about your boyfriend so I retract my statement about him not seeming supportive.

But just tell him (baby daddy) that you need a final answer. Once he gives that answer, which it seems like he's gonna keep on with the whole "whatever" attitude tell him he can no longer bring it up and that it needs to be dropped until you get the papers to terminate his rights. Gotta stay strong girl! Adoption is a great choice if you decide to go through with it

Reiden · October 2014

@GirlWithAnchors

I'm talking to a potential family, now, so I mean, I'm fairly certain I'll stick through with it. At least my family and my boyfriend are being incredibly supportive, on top of all you lovely ladies c: I know things could be so much worse, right now, and I'm thankful I'm hanging in as best I can.

I'm meeting with an adoption agency counselor come Saturday, and I'm evnetually to meet with one of my grandma's coworkers who's adopted like two or three kids out of foster care, and a few more out of an agency, so I can see what it's like on the other end, so to say

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