Feeling isolated

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2014

Lately I've felt like there isn't really anyone to talk to who "gets" it. I'm happy with everything, but it's still an emotionally taxing and confusing spot forever in my heart and I want to be around someone who gets it. The birth mother forum my agency directed me to isn't active. My agency doesn't have a contact or support group. I reached out to Bethany in my city, who doesn't have a support group but set me up with the birthmom I was supposed to meet the past 2 Sunday's. She keeps flaking, which is I think because most birthmom's don't want to talk about it because it's too painful. I think it would get easier if we were all more open, but that leaves me no one at all to turn to who gets it. Even on here I'm the only active birthmom. I guess I'm looking to vent and hoping for ideas.

Dr.Loretta · October 2014

Blogging? Either sharing your story or reading those of others? Join or set up a meetup group? I'm sorry you feel this way. Sending virtual hugs

lorifromwi · October 2014

Hugs to you. You're such an amazing voice for BM's and I have to believe your courage and openess is helping others.

nlscroggins · October 2014

i'm so sorry. i wish i could understand fully and have all the right answers and words for you. you have helped me understand so much about adoption through your posts, and you're an excellent advocate for adoptive and birthmothers alike. i second the blogging opinion. sometimes it's super therapeutic to write every single emotion out, even if no one ever reads it. also, i'm sure there are others in the blog-o-sphere who share your same feelings, and maybe it would be a way to link up with them.

leisemomtobe · October 2014

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to find someone soon that gets it. But as everyone else has said, you are a wonderful voice for BM's. I've learned so much more about what a BM must be feeling by reading your posts. I'd like to think knowing your standpoint will not make it so scary when we are eventually matched and picked and we sit down with our Expectant Mom or parents. I know it's not the same, but you can blog too. I know how you feel when you want to talk to someone who gets it and not just vent somewhere. So I really hope you find a group, person or something to talk with. We love having you here!! ((HUGS))

maryoosa · October 2014

I'm so sorry! That's a terrible way to feel. I think that my son's mom is experiencing some similar feelings. Have you tried this group? https://www.facebook.com/blessingsinabasket

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2014

Thanks so much, all! Your words of encouragement mean more to me than I can express. I needed this very much. I do blog, and it absolutely helps. I think lately I've felt the need to just be able to get coffee with someone who gets where I'm at because it's not that I have specific feelings to voice or write out. I have this weird identity that has become an integral part of who I am, but it's not something that anyone around me carries. Maybe it's a period of fatigue over being an outsider. I'm sure you all get that because being an adoptive parent or prospective adoptive parent must have a sometimes isolating identity as well.

I made a decision today to start a birthparent support group. I reached out to my church (who was very supportive), my agency (who hasn't responded and maybe will in several weeks), and Bethany here (who has been kind but sort of dismissive since I didn't place with them). Even if it's three people that meet once a month, that's still something special in my mind.

I also had coffee with A's birthfather, who I haven't seen since the hospital. It was great to talk about her to someone who feels the same way for her that I do. He cried when I did about the upcoming holidays without our daughter, and we made a plan of things to do for her that will make us a part of her holidays without even being there. It was weird to finally realize that we had a child together and will always be some sort of weird family- especially since some of you may remember that in the early days he wasn't exactly the best support and we were far from friends (after the obvious night of friendliness that created her ;-)). I may have even hated him for a while, and I work hard to allow no hate in my life. He's considering seeing her even though he's terrified. Today was a day of progress and I feel better knowing it.

nlscroggins · October 2014

@CarolinaGirl2014 i am SO glad to hear you're feeling some better. I really hope your support group is a huge success- it's a great idea! Also glad to hear the get-together with A's birthfather was positive. I truly believe God really knows when to make things happen just when you need them. Sounds like today was pretty cool- progress definitely rocks!

oliv0026 · October 2014

Maybe write a book! maybe sharing your story with other women that are going through the ssme situation might make you feel better and help others!

lorifromwi · October 2014

@CarolinaGirl2014 I started tearing up reading your post, especially hearing about BF coming around. I'm sure seeing how you are handling things makes it easier for him to be part of A's life, even if it takes him awhile and is on a limited basis. I will never know my BF (very bad circumstances around how I arrived in this world) and while I'm at peace with it, it would have been nice to at least say I've seen him once. If not to say hi, maybe smack him upside the head!

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