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April 2014 Moms
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DH vent that warrants it's own thread

nhermienhermie member
in April 2014 Moms
I know there is a thread now about things our DH says....but apparently last night my dh wanted to earn his own thread! Backstory, we are exclusive breast milk, I pump at work and bf at night and morning. LO is still getting up three times per night. For my husbands sake, when we got home from the hospital I stayed on the couch for two entire months so he could get a good nights rest during planting season. A few weeks ago I broke down fm stress and lack of sleep, telling him he needs to help me more at night, as LO often also wakes up needing his pacifier put back in an hour after he falls asleep after a motn feeding, because I was also doing that. After two nights of him finally getting up to pop the bink in his mouth, I guess he got tired of it, because when I told him to go in there he said, if I get up I'm just gonna close the door so I don't have to hear him. He clearly does not understand the way to do CIO. Apparently he thinks CIO is just let them scream until they are too tired from screaming, so there I was put in the position I had to go back to doing it all. I have had a bad cold all week and am completely drained. (I also work full time out of home that requires a lot of driving). Last night, LO started crying before it was time to be fed. I nudged dh and told him to go take care of it. Hegot pissed off, stormed into his room, put the bink in came back to bed. That didn't satisfy LO, so dh gets up and goes downstairs to sleep! Leaving me with crying baby. I thought no.....no no no no. If you want to do CIO so frickin bad, then you get to listen to it too. Went downstairs and told hiim he needed to get his fucking ass upstairs or I was gonna bring LO downstairs for him to take care of. He said if you do that I will just go back upstairs! He told me it was my fault that he was getting up at night crying because I didn't listen to him two weeks ago when he wanted to close the door and leave him. So now I had to live with my consequences. This. Is when I lost my shit. Stepped CIO (which is what worked for our ds) still involves some crying and awake parents, there would have been crying two weeks ago! I can't do stepped CIO on my own, I'm too fucking tired. When you are this tired, you revert back to what is easiest, putting a boob in his mouth, so I failed doing it two weeks ago because I just couldn't handle it. I'm not sure how to go forward from here to get help. I really wanted another.....but I can't imagine doing it with dh this way, we were such a great team with ds1. I've tried feeding him different things before bedtime but he's not interested in food yet and hasn't kept him asleep. Tried goung from rocknplay to crib, and nursing to sleep or lay down tired but awake. I'm at a loss both from my pure rage for dh and my exhaustion. Utterly frustrated. Thanks for letting me vent ladies.
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Re: DH vent that warrants it's own thread

  • kmos816kmos816 member
    That sucks.
    Tell him you can do sleep training as soon as he reads up on it and is willing to help.
    My DH wants to do sleep training but still won't read the book I bought- even though I flagged the only pages he actually needs to read which is like 5 (we want to try no cry sleep solution)
    I'm with you that if my DH doesn't help I'm often too tired to do anything but give DD the boob.
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  • nhermienhermie member
    I think the last time dh read a book was 9th grade.....no joke. But giving an ultimatum is a good idea
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  • JessimaxJessimax member
    I could have written this. I also slept on the couch the first 2 1/2 months till DD started sleeping through the night. The 4 month sleep regression hit us hard (and hasn't let up) so DD is up every 2-3 hours and DH will not get out of bed. He has maybe 5 times since DD was born (he was also on paternity leave for 9 weeks....) So like you said I am just so exhausted that boob goes in mouth to shut her up and get her back to sleep ASAP. Well DH worked night shift last night, I got zero sleep, DD is wretched today and crying non stop. He had the audacity to get up a few hours ago to tell me he can't sleep with the baby crying and he was up all night. Yah f-you, you lost 1 night, I haven't slept in 6 months. Our bedroom is downstairs so there is a lot of stomping happening up here this afternoon.
    *rant done*
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  • avidkeoavidkeo member
    I agree with @Lalamama81. It sounds like all the issues are being aired in the middle of the night when both you and DH are tired and frustrated. This is the wrong time to be having this kind of discussion.

    It also sounds like you haven't discussed expectations at all, but have just suddenly decided that DH will help out and you have told him this when you want him do. Men, unfortunately, just do not work that way at all.

    You need to sit down when you are calm and are likely to have a good half hour or so of uninterrupted time - though I know but try to find it - and you need to discuss with him what you would like, and make a compromise. And it will be a compromise, I cannot see anyone agreeing to get up all night long to put a soother back in for another hour. Maybe you do the first half of the night, he does the second or similar?

    Like your DH, mine is not much for reading so I have to do the research and give him the bullet points. You need to say ok, we are going to step sooth, this is how it works, do you agree and will you stick to the plan? BTW stepped soothing was the best thing we ever did, DD is very happy, and will settle herself to sleep pretty much all the time now. Though we never used a soother. 

    Oh and a baby getting up 3 times at night when EBF is completely normal. When are you thinking of starting solids? I have found since DD has been getting one meal in the evening of purees she is sleeping better as well, no longer tends to wake at 1am closer to 3am.

    Good luck, and hopefully if you have a good discussion things will improve.
    Angel baby June 2013, DD born 22 April 2014, BFP 10 Sept 2015 - Due 22 May 2016
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  • vettymamavettymama member
    My husband works as an engineer and farms. So during planting and harvesting he's hardly ever home. But he does get up in the middle of the night when I ask and even when I don't.

    Talk to your husband. He needs to grow up.
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  • JessieAlbinJessieAlbin member
    Agreeing with all of pp comments about a daytime conversation. Also, have y'all tried a wubanub? (The pacifier attached to a little stuffed animal). My son finds it easier to find in the dark when he's sleepy than just a pacifier (I can hardly find those in his crib in the dark), and has figured out how to pop it back in himself- such a lifesaver! He also practices with that skill while he's playing/tummy time and he can see it. We have two of them, and like the monkey one for the crib since it is dark and contrasts with the sheets.

    It may not help the nursing wake ups, but if it reduces just one upset in your sleep by not having to get up to pop a pacifier back in, it may be worth it!
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  • Laroo0220Laroo0220 member
    What is with men thinking CIO means shut off the monitor and go back to sleep?! My dh did the same thing last week and I lost it. We have been doing stepped soothing for weeks and she very rarely cries at all now except around 2 am to eat. She woke up at an off time last week and he shut off the monitor and climbed back in bed. Wtf?! I feel your pain. Discuss it with him during the day and make a plan, I'm so much more sane now with our set plan and don't have instant anxiety when she wakes up with what to do
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