Need support... suggestions/advice?

tinybugsmom · October 2014

Hi,

I have a SS (13) and a SD (7), and am expecting a baby next summer.

Their BM hasn't been very involved or spent much time with the kids since she left them (years ago).... That is until after DH and I got married. Now she is wanting more visits (out of state), and wanting to get SD a phone so she can text/call every day. Which is fine... she is their BM and DH has never tried to interfere with them having contact with her. The phone thing makes us a bit nervous only because she expects SD to carry it with her all day and night, and we are worried it will become a distraction.

It gets frustrating because she often does this where she has "spurts" of interest then will go 6 months without contact. So we aren't sure if she is going to stick around this time or not.... and SD is now older so I can tell she is struggling with the same question.

In our HH we are always positive and supportive when the kids talk about their BM. We try to keep an open dialogue and there is never any negative talk about her.

The problem I am having is that the kids went to visit her recently for an entire week (the longest visit so far), and when they got home SD wouldn't look at me, talk to me, etc. SS barely said 2 words to me, but he did say hi. I felt like something was definitely wrong, but I shrugged it off that they were tired from the flight, we did our normal transition back in (dinner/meal, talking, sharing). By night SD was a little back to her usual self, but I did feel like something was still off....

The next morning, DH had to go to work, but SD seemed fine and back to her happy self. We snuggled a bit and talked about the coming weekend, and she seemed normal. Then her BM called and after she got off the phone she was ignoring me again.

DH talked with her when he got home (because it had gotten really bad by that point) and found out that BM had been bashing me all week and told SD that she is not allowed to call me "Mom" (which she has been for about 6 months now, we did not encourage or prompt her, she did it on her own), or allowed to talk to me. He talked with both the kids about how sometimes people (even BM) says things out of emotion/fear/etc but that they can choose what they listen to, because they know me, BM does not, so they need to make their own decision about me (how to treat me, etc), and that he knows they have good hearts so will make good choices.

So that helped. Especially with SS. He is back to talking with me and being comfortable.

But SD is still having some issues. She is talking to me, but she is rude and sometimes down right mean to me. She glares at me from a distance, makes faces, and is completely disrespectful when we are out in public.

I can handle this toward me (wouldn't mind advice, tho)... I am being consistent (still doing our normal routines) and talking with her, reminding her that I am here if she wants to talk, but that it is not okay for her to be disrespectful or mean to me. It's been a painful few weeks needless to say, but we were making slow progress with her at least not being outright mean. Then she had a visit with her BM's mother (who lives here, rarely sees them), and we went back to square one (so BM's mother reinforced some of what was said on their trip). Has been a rough few days since.... I'm expecting BM to call to talk to her sometime this week and am cringing at the thought of the backtrack that will create.

I can handle it, but it is hard when a normally loving 7 year old is just so mean and rude all the time now.

What I am worried about is the new baby. If BM is this threatened by me, then how will she react to a new sibling of theirs who SD is going to be head over heels for? The baby will be due right around the time they typically visit her in the summer.... and I am worried she will say something that will make bonding with their new sibling hard (either making them feel guilty or telling them this baby is not their sibling).

I need some advice on this.... or experiences.... anything that might help.

Thank you!

VedaFlash · October 2014

We have a situation with my 2 SS's BM... She just made contact after over a year with no calls, no mail, nothing. We just got mail from her stamped with the county jail she is currently at. She has done this so many times before. We don't hear from her for months or more and then she will call/mail for a little while. The boys are old enough to know this. They have not yet been talked to about the contact made over the weekend with the letters from jail. That will be this week that we sit down and talk to them. DH and I have talked for a long time about me adopting them.... We didn't talk to the boys about it until just this year. They are fine with it because they say I'm more of a mother to them than she is. But now we will be likely waiting again. We could have done this several times before... After a year goes by with no contact at all from her it's considered abandonment. Once her rights are removed for that, then I can adopt them. Each time she comes back around she claims to be sober and wants to be a part of their lives, etc. etc... But it really is the same old song and dance, almost down to exact dates. Of course, we always hope she will step up the sobriety and involvement but she has shown us what to expect. She won't sign anything to make it easier; she is just always determined each time she comes back to reality to be a part of their lives.

Sorry I rambled. I guess I don't have any advice, but just experience. My one word of advice is this: talk to your husband and have him talk to BM. I told my husband, "She's not MY ex-wife." It's his job to work with her to co-parent. He needs to put her in her place. He needs to be the one to step up to her. I would say if it continues, maybe you will need to go to court to get things modified to specifically say something about no trash-talking any part of the other household. It sounds like you guys are doing the best you can to handle it. There is a line between not saying anything bad about the other parent and a truth about that other parent that kids need to know. Hopefully that made sense because I know it's not worded well. For example. Our boys need to know their mother is in jail. They need to know the fact. They don't need to know opinions. They don't need to know that their mother is a deadbeat, loser, or whatever. You could say something that just points out fact: DH could say: Kids, your BM doesn't like your SM. She (and/or her family) may say things about SM that are untrue. If you have any questions on what is true, come ask me. Or whatever....

It's not easy on the kids at all. She has been told this so many times. Perhaps counseling wouldn't be a bad idea for the kids. They have so many big feelings on this, I'm sure, and when they're younger it's so hard for them to find a way to express themselves. I wish you good luck!

IfMamaAintHappy · October 2014

I don't have a similar situation as far as BM being in and out of contact (we have 50-50), but SD8 has similar struggles with me & BM, especially after transfers. She knows her BM does not like our relationship (BM is very insecure), but she also knows that I truly love her and care for her. She feels torn. It is sad that a child is in that position, but all I can do is continue to be consistent in my words and actions. I rarely address her behaviors (DH addresses her if she is being rude or disrespectful) and just continue doing what I always do and she comes around. I give her space and time to sort it out and deep down she knows the crap her mother says is not true. IMO when she gets old enough to understand what her mother is doing, she will resent her for it. But that is between them. Sounds like you are doing right by your SD, even with the recent episodes.

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