I'm struggling....

Chasity08 · October 2014

I feel....so selfish right now, and I don't know what to do.

So DH has this amazing job opportunity that is just kind of falling in to his lap because of someone he knows. Right now he works as a retail store manager. Literally the only good thing about this job is his benefits. The company is nationwide so our rates are decent, and we currently have fertility coverage. But the cons include everything you can think of regarding retail, but mostly the long awful hours, terrible work schedule, hardly any holidays off, having to deal with awful people all the time. That kind of stuff.

Well this new job would be working from home, the pay starts out just a tiny bit higher than what he is now, but once he finishes the training and all of that good stuff, there would be a pretty significant pay increase, he would no longer have a 30 minute commute so we'd save a ton on gas, he would be home with me on weekends, and it just has a bunch of other little perks....pretty much it's exactly what he, and we, have been looking for for him.

So the problem.....if he leaves we lose our fertility coverage. If we lose our fertility coverage....there's no way we will be able to continue on with treatments. I mean, we could swing a couple more IUIs maybe, but no way would we be able to afford IVF any time soon.

I know I'm being selfish here, but I don't know what to do. I don't feel hopeful at all about this IUI, and I'm just waiting for my BFN on Friday, and depending on timing when he puts in his notice, we may be able to get one more round of treatment in before his coverage would terminate, but that would be it.

So I guess what I need to decide is....should I tell DH that it's not the right time for him to take the job and risk losing the opportunity? Should we just continue on and when we lose coverage just stop treatment if we can't afford it? Should I just ask DH to try and push the opportunity for an extra month and skip IUI #2 and just move straight to IVF while we still have coverage since it has a higher success rate? I know nothing is a guarantee, but I just don't know what to do.

Ugh....I want to be so happy and excited for him because I know he wants this so much, but now I'm just feeling crappy. Stupid IF.

Ann612 · October 2014

I'm confused as to why you would need to tell him? Does he not realize this already?

You guys need to have a serious discussion. It is not a matter of you being selfish, it's a matter of you guys deciding together what is the priority for your family. Have you done the math? Maybe the extra pay and savings would cover much of the extra cost of losing the coverage.

If the decision is to take the job, I would absolutely jump to IVF to get one in before losing the coverage.

BunnyBerry · October 2014

I'm so sorry! That is so stressful. I don't know if it's something you can "tell" YH, but more something the two of you could hash out together by looking at pros and cons.

My guess is that when you list out "a few IUIs now, and then saving for IVF in ___", compared to the crappy issues with his current job, you may end up deciding to support his job change?

Also if you hang on to this job for the benefits, considering the added pressure of knowing that IF treatments were to blame for dealing with that unhappy job day in, day out may be difficult for both of you to deal with.

It might also help to do the math adding up the savings on gas/car and the raise he'd get, and see how long it would take to offset the added cost of OOP IF treatments, to get an idea of how much weight the raise should get in the "pros" column.

Good luck. Big decisions are soooo hard! Right now I can get really frustrated it feels like we've decided everything to help DH's life (his school and career), but in the long term, I know it is making for a happier and more stable family so trying to see the big picture.

Chasity08 · October 2014

***WARNING CHILD MENTIONED***

I kind of left this part out because of obvious reasons, but the other part about why this job is so great is because of our DD. He would be able to take her to school and drop her off everyday as her after school program she had been going to is being taken away, and we've been struggling to find a program that will accept her part time, can pick her up from school for us, and that doesn't charge us my entire paycheck, when she will only be there for an hour and a half per day after school. A lot of the programs around here don't accept many part time students, so we've been REALLY struggling to find her a new program. So it was really more than just the cost of gas, as it will be the help in not having to find a new daycare program for DD as he can just take her/pick her up from school everyday. That has been a big issue that's been stressing me lately.

And then of course the flexibility of the hours with this new job should we actually get pregnant would allow him to help more with the new baby, as his current job he is on call pretty much any time the store is open, he is generally working 6 days per week, 10-12 hours per day. So that's why I'm struggling so much because I know in the long run this job is exactly what our family needs, but in the short run we really need the benefits.

Chasity08 · October 2014

Honestly, I think I'm just a hormonal mess and not thinking straight, I don't even think I read @Ann612 's response correctly the first time because I now realized that I didn't even really address the points she made. So I apologize, I wasn't trying to ignore your points and go on my tangent. lol. I know that him taking the job is the best thing, I'm just freaking out thinking about paying for IVF OOP. With our coverage we still pay the majority OOP because of our large deductible, BUT we get the contractual discount so it tends to be a bit less for the procedures (though not a ton from what I've heard), but the medications we get a pretty big discount on. So we're just stretched so thin and I'm just freaking out I think.

LindseyM2012 · October 2014

"Stupid IF" is right! I'm so sorry you're in this position. I agree that you should talk about this with your husband. This is part of the logistics of any person in a family changing jobs. You need to make sure financially it is a good move. And I certainly agree with @BunnyBerry that you might want to do the math together to see if the extra money you'll have between commute savings and a raise may make OOP costs bearable (although certainly not ideal).

Can I offer my personal opinion? Feel free to disregard if this doesn't work for you. This is just what I would do:

I would hesitate outright asking him not to take it. If you do and he misses an opportunity, you may have set yourself up for him to hold on to resentment. You may get to keep the IF coverage, but you may be harming another part of your marriage in a subtle way that may come out later (This of course won't be true for all couples, but it might be something to think about). Speak with him about the opportunity, do the math as it relates to your IF stuff, and voice your concerns about how this impacts the family and specifically IF treatments in a level headed way. At the end of the day, I'm sure you can find a way to make IF treatments work. It may be on an altered timeline, but people make OOP treatments work. The following might be a really good option you mentioned:

Chasity08 said:

Should I just ask DH to try and push the opportunity for an extra month and skip IUI #2 and just move straight to IVF while we still have coverage since it has a higher success rate?

Again, I'm so sorry you even have to make these decisions. STUPID IF! **hugs**

Chasity08 · October 2014

You ladies are right. And I knew it all along, I just needed some people to tell me to get my head out of my arse

I do think while I still have coverage I might ask if 1 round of IVF is possible just to utilize my benefits as much as possible. Not sure as they had said something about 1 month of bc pills before IVF, but I'll just explain the situation and feel them out a little bit haha. But otherwise we'll just get as much done as we can while I still have the benefits and go from there.

Thanks for making me get my stinkin head on straight. I'm usually so level headed, but anymore I'm just a lunatic.

dancerspose · October 2014

I'm sorry you find yourself in this stressful situation. So, first I would take a few deep, cleansing, calming breathes. I agree with all the other ladies that the first thing you need to do is talk to YH about the decision and ramification of going either way (keeping current job or taking new one). My guess is that the when everything is spelled out and given consideration the best option for your and YH's long term health and happiness would be take advantage of the job opportunity.

DH and I are in a somewhat similar (but not entirely) situation. We're 100% OOP for treatment. DH is a firefighter and is contemplating leaving his current station for a job in a larger, city fire department. Unfortunately, this means initially taking a pretty substantial pay cut. It would be about 2-3 years before he's back up to what he's making now, but long term the growth and earning potential is much better. He'd be starting this new job right as we're (hopefully) finally ready to start medicated cycles so the timing would really stink. Even with the struggles the pay cut would cause, we've decided it would be for the best for him to take the opportunity. I'm much more of a long term thinker. We can handle stretch thinned living for awhile if it means a better future down the road. And, unfortunately, as Naria said, nothing is for certain. I'd hate for him to pass up an opportunity for something that may not work. It would just cause more resentment and unhappiness down the road.

I know my situation isn't exactly the same, but thought it might help to hear something similar. Obviously the best case scenario might be if the new job was willing to wait a month or two so you could jump straight to a round of IVF, but that may not be possible.

Good luck!

BunnyBerry · October 2014

Hopefully they can get you on a protocol that will work!! That would be awesome.

Combined in with the child care arrangements, perhaps this new job is just what your family needs to stick out the rest of the IF journey whether it's quick or ongoing!

Chasity08 · October 2014

That's actually very helpful to read @shafwilson, thank you for sharing that. I would never want DH to pass it up and build resentment, which is why I know deep down I would never tell him not to do it, because it really is what's best for our family and we've been looking for this opportunity for so long....the IF stuff was just really getting in my brain.

Chasity08 · October 2014

BlueFairy5 said:

You've probably already thought of this, but how about COBRA coverage with your current policy? I know it varies from state to state (and how much of the premium you have to pay varies, too), but in terms of hanging onto IF coverage for longer than this job, it might be worth looking into in your state. (I think it's a State thing, not a Federal thing, right? Someone correct me.)

Quoth @Ann612 "It is not a matter of you being selfish, it's a matter of you guys deciding together what is the priority for your family. " Yup. Yup, yup, yup. Yup.

Is it ridiculous that I do medical billing, I've heard of COBRA, but had no idea what it was. I generally just bill Medicare and Medicaid haha. But that sounds extremely interesting and I think I may need to go look this up. That would be amazing to be able to just pay the premium (even if it's higher) and keep the coverage for a few months. Thank you, @bluefairy5!

Tiko99 · October 2014

I'm so sorry you are having to make sure a life changing decision. I don't think it has to do with being selfish as other PP have mentioned it's about what you both want. Is there any way you guys can take 6 months off to save money so you can go through treatments OOP? Also, I believe if you spend over 10% of your income on medical expenses you can write it off on your taxes. Do you have 100% fertility coverage? Have you looked into mini/micro IVF? I've been looking into it and may try one round early next year since it costs about the same as an injectable cycle with an IUI.

I also agree with Narnia....there is no guarantee when it comes to infertility treatments and if this new job will provide more money and more time together and give your DH and DD more time together I feel that is more important. There are so many people that have to pay OOP for fertility treatments I'm sure you guys would be able to figure it out.

I feel your frustration though.....making hard decisions are always stressful. Good luck with whatever you decide...

lisa89760 · October 2014

I'll add that my husbands current insurance "doesn't cover IF treatments" but everything has been covered except for the actual IUIs and IVF procedure (if we get there)...so basically every ultrasound, test, and medication (including injectables) we have paid just a co-pay on. IVF is still expensive so I completely understand how that is a tough decision.

SND1231 · October 2014

You need to sit down with the hubby and talk about all the pros and cons and decide together. Try to keep calm and present him with all the information. Come up with a back up plan.. FX everything goes well!

theholmanherd · October 2014

I honestly think he should take the new job. Retail has so many cons, including sudden store closings and long, crazy hours. Do you really want him to have to keep suffering through a sub-par job when he has an amazing opportunity in front of him? I don't mean to be mean, but I really think IVF cost (especially if you're "mostly OOP" because of the high deductible) should not be the deciding factor. Tons of women save up for and get IVF without any coverage. You'll get there, you just might have to wait a little longer. Believe me, we all know how upsetting that is, but turning down a primo job for IVF would probably backfire in the long run. Sorry you're feeling so frustrated

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