The nightmare continues

williegsocks · October 2014

Okay, 2 things...first, I want to apologize for the continuous posts that I have been posting and for my lack of support to others. I promise the posts will slow down now that the worst (hopefully) is over and that I will start supporting others as you have all generously and selflessly supported me.

Second, I need your support again. Here's the current situation: My D&C is over and I'm feeling better than expected physically. My mental state is still on the mend and right now I'm feeling so vulnerable and overwhelmed with my current situation. DH and I went through the ringer this month with our bfp that we were only able to enjoy for 1 full day until we found out my hcg levels were not doubling and that this was not a viable pregnancy. It got so bad that DH and I got in a fight because I felt that he was not fully supporting me and he ended up leaving me for 5 hours to go hang out with a buddy which during his 5 hour absence my friend who has been with me during my IF journey announced her bfp. DH wasn't answering the phone and I was about to lose my mind. After this occurred, I ended up packing my bags, throwing my wedding ring across the room, and announcing that I wanted a divorce. Not my proudest moment by any means and he is still really struggling to let this go. Well, last night DH let me know that he no longer wants children and doesn't want to try anymore. I, on the other hand, want children more than ever now and honestly the only thing that was keeping me sane with having this D&C was knowing that we could try again immediately afterwards according to my RE. We are allowed to start trying again this Wednesday and I am so crushed right now at the thought of never having children. It hurts me so bad. I honestly feel that the only way to get past having this miscarriage is to keep trucking on and have shot at a healthy pregnancy. I let DH know my feelings, but let him know that losing him is not worth having children (which I fully mean). I love him with all my heart and I am not willing to end this marriage for children, but I do not know if I will be able to ever let my dream of having children go.

I apologize for the long post, but ladies I need your support so badly right now. I'm so lost. It feels like this nightmare is truly never going to end.

BethKate2 · October 2014

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Dealing with IF (and loss) is a true test of a marriage, and I can honestly say that my H and I have had some serious fights related to this whole process too.

My advice would be to take this cycle off from TTC. Of course, I know almost nothing about you and your H, but to me, his reaction sounds like an emotional one. He might just be responding to the emotions surrounding the loss and the emotions he felt when you said you wanted a divorce. It might be a good idea to take a short break from TTC to reconnect with each other and revisit the conversation in a month or so.

BunnyBerry · October 2014

I'm so sorry, Willie. No one should have to go through what both of you are going through.

Deciding suddenly that he doesn't want kids is probably about the same as your deciding suddenly that you want a divorce - coming from a place of fear and frustration, and not representative of true desires.

From YH's side, it may feel like TTC is risking the marriage itself, and perhaps is thinking right now is, Our marriage is a higher priority than kids.

It sounds like some time to heal and working with a counselor together is really important to help both of you feel heard and safe when emotions are so hurt and scared. Although it may be true that continuing TTC right away is the only/best way to help you get through this awful time, unfortunately if YH is not yet ready, it is only fair to give him the time he needs to process everything and be ready again.

I'm so, so sorry for what you have to go through. I hope that a loving heart-to-heart will be enough to get him on board with TCC this week. But if not, I hope that perhaps will a little more time and maybe the perspective of a counselor, you both can be ready to TTC again soon.

LindseyM2012 · October 2014

You have all of our hugs!!!!!

I'm so sorry you have to keep going through this. I wish this would all just go away for you. Can I offer another opinion? And all of this will be said with the utmost love and empathy for your situation. I agree with PPs that you should probably take at least one cycle off TTC. You're coming off one of you very high highs (BFP) and a very low low (non-viable pregnancy). You don't get much more roller coaster than that! If you try again right away, it may be just a way for you to avoid fully going through the grieving process. Based on your explosive fight with your husband, you sound sad and angry. You need time to work through that.

While I completely understand that you feel like your husband wasn't supporting you in the way you needed him to, throwing rings and pulling out the divorce card was a low blow. It sounds like you recognize that. Now, I don't know you all that well, but it sounds like you wanted to hurt him like he hurt you by not supporting you. I get that, and it apparently worked because he's pulling back on the baby thing. He's going to need some time to heal from that too. I'm glad you made a point of saying to him that he's more important than TTC. Keep telling him that. Men need to hear that.

Give it some time and then revisit the TTC thing. You'll heal, he'll heal and he may come back around.

ALL THE LOVE!

williegsocks · October 2014

LindseyM2012 Thank you for your honest and frank advice. It most definitely was a low blow and I regret it so much. That was not me at all. I don't know who I was and I hate that I became that person. I wish I could go back in time because I know that I'm the reason we're in the mess. Luckily, we had a huge heart to heart and we aired everything out last night. DH knows that I'm sincere and has forgiven me which is helping me heal. I have promised him that divorce will never leave my lips again and I mean it. Even though it's hard to accept, I agree that we need to put off TTC for at least this cycle and possibly more if that's what we need.

rachelkeller · October 2014

I'm so sorry for your situation. I have never experienced a loss as you have, but I do know that all of the stuff that comes along with TTTC can be really hard on you and your partner. I think my husband really struggles with how to really support me because I really am the one that is having to do anything. Along the same lines, I do feel like I harbor resentment towards my husband because he doesn't have to do anything. It's such a fine line and the relationship gets tested all the time. I hope you two can communicate openly with each other and come to a decision for now. The good thing about life is that it can always change at anytime. Big hugs to you!

LindseyM2012 · October 2014

@williegsocks - It certainly doesn't sound like you. You are such a sweetie. But that just highlights how hurt you were, that such a sweet person like you could say such a hurtful thing to a man you love. All you can do is what you've already done: apologize, reassure him and yourself that your marriage is important to you, start a heart-to-heart dialogue and forgive each other (of course I don't know everything that's happened, but it sounds like both of you could have done things differently).

You can do this together. He isn't the enemy, you're not the enemy. It is you two against IF.

lovesmonkey · October 2014

I tryped out a long response, but realized the best thing I have to say is I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It's not fair and it sucks!

williegsocks · October 2014

rachelkeller Thank you for your post. It's comforting to know that someone else is with me on this. We definitely will openly communicate about this and you are so right things can change at any moment. I have hope that in the next few days things will change and get better as we return to normal and love on one another again.

dancerspose · October 2014

Willie I am so incredibly sorry for everything you're going through; I can't even imagine. ((HUGS)) ((HUGS)) ((HUGS))

I don't have any advice to add to the wonderful words of wisdom the other ladies have already given you. I think taking maybe just one month off to give you both some time to grieve this whole thing, individually and together may help, and I would definitely second seeking some counseling. I know that when I'm incredibly upset MH feels totally hopeless and nothing scares him more than not being able to protect me or take away my pain. I'm sure YH has some of that compounded by his own fear and grief.

Good luck. I feel confident you two will get through this and continue on your TTC journey.

SND1231 · October 2014

No need to apologize about needing some support. That is what we are all here for. First of all TTTC is rough on marriage.. My husband and I haven't fought too much but we definitely have had our fights and mostly because he deals with his feeling in a different way than I do. I want to talk about how I am feeling and what I have found researching while he wants to simply not talk about it. It made me feel like he didn't care... Long story short we had to both sit down and really talk about how we felt. I think that you are both going through so much right now. You are both hurting( even if he doesn't admit it) and both scared of what the future holds. Sometimes people act in the extreme.. like I never want to have children again or I want a divorce... It is most likely just your emotions and stress speaking.. Don't make any rash decisions give each other time to really deal with your emotions. Talk to a counselor.. Talk to each other.. Give each other time to heal... Hugs to you!!

theholmanherd · October 2014

Willie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I honestly think he is reeling from this, too, and is afraid of another loss or that your marriage is failing. Maybe both. I want to strongly recommend a book for you. It is called The Four Seasons of Marriage. Start in the Fall chapter. When my husband and I went through a breaking point (not related to a loss, but we were ready to divorce), this book helped so much. You both need to take a step back for at least one cycle and get some help. Start with the book and maybe even seek counseling. I genuinely believe you will get through this and start TTC again, but you need to let the dust settle on these last few weeks first. I will keep praying for you both. All the hugs and love to you.

Ann612 · October 2014

Nightmare is right - you have been put through a lot the past 4 weeks. I don't think anyone would blame you for needing to be on the receiving end of support during this time, so no need to apologize.

Everyone has given really great advice. I agree that perhaps his words are coming from a hurt/emotional place - both from your recent loss but also from the fight. I also agree that taking a month off might be the best thing (might hard right now, but longer term you guys need to heal before moving on). Counseling might be a good idea as well.

Good luck, and please let us know how things turn out.

DSculley1824 · October 2014

A lot of PP have said exactly what I wanted to say to you. So I will keep my post short and sweet. First off, hugs to you. Second, never be afraid to ask for support...that is what we are all here for. Third, I'm so sorry for the rough last few weeks. Could you and your DH take a mini staycation? Go do the things you both loved to do before TTC. Remind yourselves of what each other loves? We are all here whenever you need us

kristyn831 · October 2014

I'm sorry that everything blew up like that. It sounds like a break from TTC to strengthen your marriage is a good idea. As hard as it is to not bring up TTC, I would let it go for now and give him time to come around. I hope you're feeling better.

jenmcD11 · October 2014

I am so sad for you that you and your husband have to endure this pain. I've never had a miscarriage and can't imagine how difficult that would be, especially after trying for so long. I hope you both can find peace and make a plan that will make you both happy and hopefully bring you closer together. As others have said, counseling could be very helpful.

BethKate2 · October 2014

DSculley1824 said:

A lot of PP have said exactly what I wanted to say to you. So I will keep my post short and sweet. First off, hugs to you. Second, never be afraid to ask for support...that is what we are all here for. Third, I'm so sorry for the rough last few weeks. Could you and your DH take a mini staycation? Go do the things you both loved to do before TTC. Remind yourselves of what each other loves? We are all here whenever you need us

This is what my H and I did after my loss, actually. It was planned ahead of time, but it ended up being about two weeks after my surgery, and it was perfect timing. Spending time together just the two of us doing things we enjoy was exactly what we needed.

williegsocks · October 2014

DSculley1824 said:
A lot of PP have said exactly what I wanted to say to you. So I will keep my post short and sweet. First off, hugs to you. Second, never be afraid to ask for support...that is what we are all here for. Third, I'm so sorry for the rough last few weeks. Could you and your DH take a mini staycation? Go do the things you both loved to do before TTC. Remind yourselves of what each other loves? We are all here whenever you need us

Thank you for this amazing suggestion! DH is actually off next weekend! I definitely want to plan something special for us. I'm gonna start researching now

Radiantly · October 2014

yes I love this idea! my therapist talks about nurturing the relationship between us, as husband & wife, and yes, a special time to nurture YOUR relationship is definitely going to be a blessing.

mshandlebar · October 2014

I am so sorry you and YH have to go through all of this. I agree with everything the ladies have already said. Seeing a therapist really helped us. We rented a cabin on a lake the weekend we found out we had no spermies. I don't think we would have been able to process it as well if we hadn't gone away. And for both of you, it is grief and frustration talking. I am sometimes the one who pulls out the "I don't even want to try anymore" card, and I never mean it, I just say it because I am scared of what IF is doing to us. I hope you two can find strength in each other. ((Hugs))

edited because it is too early for me to form coherent sentences

emmuffy · October 2014

So many hugs. I think that you are both having strong emotional reactions to the loss. A bit of time off to refocus on your marriage may be the best thing. A family counsellor with expertise in IF issues could be very helpful.

Giving yourselves permission to take a break is hard. However, they can be very worthwhile. Best of luck.

BandM14 · October 2014

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Like you said, it sounds like a total nightmare. Others have given great advice- and I love that you are trying to do something positive now by planning something for you and YH!! I also think a counselor is a great idea, that may help you both process the horrible experience you have gone through and be able to communicate with each other in a productive way about how to move forward. Sending you lots of hugs.

Hollowvic · October 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I read your post and truly felt for you. I know IF has tested our marriage in ways I never imagined. When I first started seeing an RE my husband was not on board at all. We were not on the same page. It took him a long time to come around, but he eventually did. Maybe he just needs some time to process all that is going on. Like others said a counselor or therapist might really help you guys. I find that when my husband and I have a big blow up fight I leave him alone for a while and he calms down and eventually talks with me, then it all comes out and sometimes he tells me he was upset for reasons I didn't even realize bothered him. I hope you guys can work it out, don't let IF win.

emmej313 · October 2014

Everyone has already given you such good advice. I just wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this.

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