Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I'm finally strong enough to join! Long sad story!

I found out that I was pregnant on our first time trying after being on bcp for 12 years! Crazy luck right? At 5 1/2 weeks I had doubled over cramping. We went to the Dr., had an ultrasound but couldn't see the baby yet even though I pointed out a spot for the sonographer. She dismissed me and said it was too early to see yet. Fast forward 2 weeks and 2 more doubled over pain sessions so I went to the emergency room. The same sonographer waved her magic wand, looked at my uterus and there was nothing there. She scanned to my right side and there it was, a perfect 7 week old embryo. Heart beating, head, body, arm and leg buds. Being in the medical field myself, I started wailing before she could even tell me it was ectopic. Surgery was next...I waited in a hospital room for 9 hours!! NINE HOURS of pure agony, some physical but mostly emotional until it was my turn. Right before surgery the pain started again with a vengeance. They finally got their act together, prepped 2 pints of blood and wheeled me away in a hurry. They couldn't do it laparoscopically so I basically had a c section to remove the embryo, my right tube, and two weeks of blood that had built up in my abdomen. I'm a week out of surgery and the physical pain has been terrible. I'm so thankful to be alive because things could have gone so badly, but I can't get over seeing my baby, looking so alive, and being completely helpless to save it. DH has been amazing, family has been great, but I just can't get this heartache to lessen and it feels like I'm the only one mourning the loss of our little one. I want it back! I want to wake up from this nightmare! I can't even mention the baby without being told to forget about it and be thankful for my own life. I really am thankful, just empty too. I'm suffering in silence, putting on a happy face while I'm crying inside. The shower has been great to wash away the tears, just not long enough because of the incision. Does grief counseling work? How do I move past this?
We can try again in 3 cycles and we're going to. I'm just terrified at what's next!

I'm sorry for the sad, way too long post but I just had to get it out! You ladies are so supportive of each other and I need encouragement right now!! Thank you in advance for your kindness!!

Re: I'm finally strong enough to join! Long sad story!

  • I am so sorry for your loss. (Hugs)

    You may never fully move past this. I am five weeks after the onset of my mc and I still feel very sad. It sucks and it is not fair. However, when it first happened I was also extremely angry, so at least that seems to have subsided. As time goes on it does get better, but there will be triggers that will bring you right back to it, perhaps even years from now.

    I am glad that you made it through. What you went through sounds terrifying and so painful. I hope you have a smooth recovery. I am right there with you waiting three cycles as well. Again (Hugs)

    Me: 31 DH: 36
    Dated Since ‘02, Married in ‘06
    BFP#1 05/16/06, EDD01/16/07, MC 06/12/06 at 8 weeks
    BFP #2 08/14/14, EDD 04/22/15, MC 09/17/14 at 9 weeks

    image 

     My Chart

  • Such a sad story. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you have a speedy recovery and know we are all in this together
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  • I'm so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))
    Me: 28, DH: 33
    Married 10.12.11
     BFP #1: 5.30.12- Giannna, born 1.27.13
    BFP #2: 9.18.14- due 6.1.15 -- natural m/c @ 5w6d 
    BFP #3 11.2.14- due 7.16.14 -- mmc, d&c @ 10w1d

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic  image 


  • Thank you so much for the well wishes and prayers!

    I've been angry, scared, sad, emotional, in disbelief, the list goes on and changes from one minute to the next. Sometimes I'm optimistic that we'll get pregnant again, then terrified that something like this could happen again. I hate being put on the sex sidelines, but I'm afraid to do it again because of the pain. I don't want to wait three months but I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't! I'm out of work, bored at home, thinking and reliving that awful experience over and over again. Then I went to town yesterday and saw a pregnant teenager. I felt a distinct stab in my gut and it ruined my mood for the rest of the day. It's not her fault, I know that! Nobody understands so I don't even mention it. This emotional roller coaster is too much to take sometimes. Now my jealousy is kicking in and I don't like myself for it but I can't control the feelings either!!
  • Wow... I'm so sorry for your loss. :(
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.
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