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April 2015 Moms
redsassycassie
member
Who's baby is this? Overbearing MIL
redsassycassie
member
Anyone else havering trouble with MIL or Mom thinking the baby is there's?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Who's baby is this? Overbearing MIL
There = location
Their = possesion
They're = contration for "they are"
Also...
Haver = to talk foolishly
FTM & TEAM BLUE!!!
I have a MIL who, after five years, finally said (texted) that I am a mistake and that her son should have never married me.
DH has decided that we will not tell her about the baby.
Fine by me!
I usually get along dine with my mil but just... there's a line. And after her tantrum at our announcement party and her email to my husband... I'm kinda questioning how much i want my kid to be left alone with her...
I'm having a similar situation I think.. not with my MIL but with another family member. She has gone as far to tell me that this is her baby and I'm just carrying it, that my husband is just a "sperm donor", and that the baby will be spending all weekends at her house. She's also buying clothes, diapers and various other baby supplies to keep at her house for when she "keeps him", and is making a baby book full of letters to him and lists about what she was right about and what I was wrong about, and how I was during my pregnancy. Not to mention she insists on coming to all my ultrasound appointments. I think at times she literally thinks this baby is hers.
I just constantly correct her by saying this is not her child, its mine and my husbands and she will not be keeping him, and I have told her she is only allowed to come to one ultrasound because DH and I would like some time together for these things. This is a daily discussion that I have to have with her. We did have a heated argument when she called my husband a "sperm donor". He wants this baby so bad and is so excited. It really hurt me more than anything because all I could think back to was when we found out I miscarried my first, that was the first time I have ever seen him cry. All I could think was "how dare you call him that".
I'm not sure if you're more angry at the situation or upset. I would try to talk to her and just explain how its either making you angry or upset and you want some privacy during your pregnancy. It's nice to have support but I understand the frustration that comes from too much sometimes, I hope you can straighten it out with her.
Oh my god this is crazy! I wouldn't even want this person to come to an ultrasound because I think it would further the idea that the baby belongs to this person. If I were your husband I would be super pissed at being called a "sperm donor". Good luck with the whole situation.
edit: typo
I'm not interested in iniating contact with my mil at the moment. She can talk to dh if she wants info. I don't have the patience for tslking behind my back and causing arguments with dh. Just no thanks.
Yeah I am a little nervous sometimes with some of the things said but try not to think into it too much, it worries me. I never told DH what she said, he would be beyond furious and I'm not sure it would be worth the extra fight. I think I got my point across to her pretty well on that conversation.The kidnap part is exactally what was going through my head the whole time, have you told your doctor about this persons irrational behavior?
I agree no u/s bc that seems like it would further her delusional ideas. Definitely don't let her know when baby is going to make his/her entrance or what hospital youre at, room number, nothing...all I can think is her trying to take the baby after its born...
And hell no I wouldn't tell DH about sperm donor comment unless she has said it more than once, but my DH would go pregnant lady hormonal on her.
The sad thing is, there is so much more that has been said, this just skims the surface. I'm really trying to be calm about the situation, but you're right, the possibility of kidnapping is very real and very fresh on my mind. She's definitely lost all chances of ever keeping him over night, or even being alone with him. I'm in a sticky situation, I can't exactly cut ties because she is also my boss, so I work with her all day (this is why you don't work with family). I'm not sure how I'm going to keep my sanity once LO comes! I thought this was just a weird situation of her being overly excited, but now seeing all these responses I'm really starting to reevaluate.
Sorry OP! I didn't mean for my craziness to hijack your thread!
Um...stage five clinger? I would be worried about potential kidnapping or something, this person sounds unstable. No way would this person be allowed at my doctor appointments!
FTM & TEAM BLUE!!!
Tell your OB about her behavior bc it is affecting your health, mentally wearing at you...not good for baby. Your OB office can keep her from going back in the office for your visits. Tell your DH and Mother or someone you trust for the delivery, all hospitals have a paper where it tells every desk in the building that the person on it is not allowed in or near your room.
It just honestly doesn't sound like a safe place if this is an everyday thing...
Yes to this! I've started advocating a birth plan with DH and my mom who will be there. I plan to tell this person ahead of time also that we would like privacy during that time. I'm sure I will get some rude comments and pushiness, but I'm ready to get rude at that point. I've heard the birthing center is very strict with allowing visitors, which in my situation I'm just fine with.With DD my nurse was like you tell me if you don't like somebody, I don't care to tell them how it is, that's why I'm here!
I think your best bet is to create a strong system for yourself. The more you can have people you trust around you, the more assistance you can have deflecting her. It also means you do not have to be alone in this.
I would also take or bring a photo to your appointment and ask that this woman not be allowed to come to your appointments as she is not welcome and displaying unstable behavior. You are afraid for yourself and your unborn baby. If there is a couselor, i would as what you can do legally about your work situation too. Since she is so unstable, i wouldn't put it past her to start punishing you at work bc of this. Just write this shit down and when you see your midwife, go to town.
I understand how you wanted to try and be as nice as possible and keep fighting down..maybe see if you can have your 20w u/s changed to a different day if she knows when your appt is? Please talk to your midwife about this woman bc if you're noticing all the stress you definitely don't need that's a big problem.
Like @nungongju said take a picture of her to your midwife and place you have your u/s done and let them know its not ok for her to be near you.
At least you're smart enough to recognize how crazy she is being!
I'm an only child and my Mom is just thrilled I'm pregnant. I understand and share in her excitement but I wouldn't hesitate to tell her how I feel. Hurt feelings or not, if it's this bad when you're pregnant how will it be when there's an actual baby?
Always asks how "her" baby is!
Um actually - no! Nope! My child- my husband didn't sleep with you and I am pregnant!
And had the nerve to ask if she could be in the delivery room with me? What the hell? And not even a joke..
Thank god I am always blunt and she took my answer of "there's at least 693737 people I'd have in the room before you" - most people would have probably told me off but come on? Who asks that? And says it's your child?
Over it..
Edited bc I wanted to offer big hugs, not big hiss. 8-}
And yes, you can keep ANYONE out of the hospital/dr's office you please (including husbands btw for for those curious...and no, I didn't do this :P) But in the hospital's mind, that baby is ONLY YOURS...it's not even his. Seriously. YOU are the only one able to leave with it. YOU are the only one even legally able to NAME it. I only mention this because it was an odd fact that really made me pause and think 'Oh Wow...' when I had my daughter and the hospital staff ONLY let me make any decisions....even when my husband was in the room, holding our baby....they would ask me 'is it okay if we.....'. etc. So even in the 'happily married and in love mommy and daddy world', YOU have more rights than him when it comes to your baby....at least those first couple days.
Also, to put your mind at ease, in addition to hospitals being more than willing to keep people out if asked, they have babies (and their Moms) on severe lockdown. You both have matching alarms, bracelets etc. You can even basically request (so long as you and you baby are healthy) that the baby stays in your room the entire time (the only exception they might have to make is when the baby gets it's first series of shots....and some hospitals will even do this in-room for you). So you are protected there.
NOW: the actual 'dealing with pushy/over-reaching/over-involved people'
Deal with them NOW, while pregnant. Get your husband on your team and support each other NOW. Because it only gets WORSE once baby is here.
Those little things now, become bigger things. And those little things you shrug off now, become expectations that either 'you don't mind if I....?' or just simply put, since you didn't complain before, you must not be offended.
But you need to talk to your husband first. Because you'll need the back up (esp if it's his family causing the issues....and even more so if it's a MiL....MiL's are excellent and making their little boys feel guilty)
Example:
When pregnant:
MiL constantly touched my belly (I loathe people in my personal space unless invited)
MiL called our daughter 'my baby' (still occasionally does btw)
MiL gave me ONLY baby items for christmas ....nice so I no longer exist as a human being
MiL invited herself to spend 1st week of baby's life at our house. (she's already invited herself again for this child btw....hubby already nicely told her we might do things differently this time)
MiL insisted on making/buying all the baby's sheets/blankets/furniture (which meant I had little say in what went in the room)
None of these things were 'OMG!' horrible...and ALL of them only happened because she was so happy to have another grandbaby (her son's first kid btw) And while some things made me uncomfortable, I didn't want to fight with my MiL or hurt her feelings so I kinda rolled with it and didn't tell her she was over-stepping.
When Child was born:
MiL thought we lied about when we went to the hospital (we didn't, I just had a very fast labor so we called her when we got to my room to tell her 'we're at the hospital' and again an hour later to say 'it's a girl!') We DID NOT LIE. Took me a month to convince her of that.
MIL stayed for a week. EVERYTIME the baby would even so much as make a sound I'd get asked 'do you need to feed her?' 'Is she wet' 'Does she need held?' To the point where my MiL got me confused and off-track on the breast-feeding schedule and cause me to have issues with milk production/hungry angry baby and a massive 'baby blues' meltdown for me that led to me completely stopping breastfeeding and exclusively bottle feeding because I was THAT over-whelmed.
-Don't worry though, she still remembers how I 'failed' at breast feeding. B/C her daughter did great with it. (Like to point out MiL bottle-fed her kids).
-She got upset at me, and swooped in and picked up the baby when she came home from shopping and I was sitting in a recliner beside the pac-n-play where the awake baby was happily, and quietly staring at her mobile trying to figure out this whole arm/hand movement thing. I just was giving my kid some 'alone' time because she seemed content...MiL couldn't understand why I wouldn't be holding her constantly.
This week got so bad, my husband was trying to keep me sane while not offending his mother...but again, we both knew she was excited, so we tried hard to parent 'around' her. He would send her on 'missions' to get her out of the house 'oh, baby could use some more washcloths' 'etc.
Flash forward 6 weeks:
As I still had some stitches healing up, my Midwife, had yet to clear me for sex at my 6 week pre-natal appt. But it was Easter Weekend...so to the In-laws we went.
-First off, this was an EXPECTED trip....meaning we couldn't say 'uh, we're not feeling up to a 6 hour car ride with a newborn, and a Mommy still healing up from having said baby' So first off: 6 hours of driving across mountains with a newborn for MIL (FiL had yet to see grandbaby b/c he was taking care of his elderly mother who was in poor health).
-No matter how my baby protested, they would NOT put her down/give her to us/let her alone. Our baby never ever learned how to sleep while being held. She would only sleep if in her bed. FiL/MiL did NOT like this. So ANGRY ANGRY baby. (And she almost never cried at home
-MiL actually said (again I STILL have stitches) 'We need another baby so we can each hold one'....and looked at me
And THIS was the first comment that I couldn't hold it in anymore. And basically coldly looked at her and said 'be thankful for what you have, if you want 2 babies to hold, you best try to squat one out yourself'. And walked away.
Christmas:
-I behaved. MiL was once again, buzzing around like an annoying gnat, interrupting naps and feedings and everything else but I was playing along. Husband was the one getting pissed and stressed. Then one evening, instead of just putting our 10ish month old baby down to sleep in her pack in play w/o anything in it like we always did when traveling...and even though there are warning labels ALL OVER the thing that say not to, MiL decided it would be a good idea, to take couch cushions, jam them down in the bottom of the pac-n-play, then put blankets and pillows in it as well before laying the baby in it. Not only that, she was so proud of herself, because the baby went to sleep so fast...she told my husband all about it. He, thinking 'gee, I don't think we're supposed to do that' came upstairs to me where I was (yes, my baby had to sleep next to my in-law's room downstairs away from hubby and me) and asked 'hon Mom did this...is it okay?' and I said, 'No, but I'll go take care of it.' All I wanted to do, was walk past my Mil, pretend to be checking my my baby and covertly remove all the soft stuff from the pac-n-play. I did NOT want to confront her, belittle her etc. But again, since MiL was proud of herself, she of course told me 'I added pillows and she fell right asleep' I said 'I know, but it's not really safe to do that when they're that little, she doesn't even have a pillow in her crib yet' and MiL quickly snipped 'I'd NEVER do anything that was unsafe with my grandkids!' and I said 'I know you didn't mean to, but you did. I'll go in and fix it' And left to pull out the stuff. Mil/SiL/FiL THEN told my husband I was rude and mean to his Mom and how dare I basically, and it became this BIG spat. (again, I never called her names, yelled or did anything other than state facts printed in giant yellow warning signs all over the pac-n-play)
Since this time, other things have happened 'no you can't buy her that piece of crap' 'yes I did throw away the piece of crap toy I told you wasn't permitted' etc. But you know what, I'm beyond caring. Why? because I realized that for the next 20+ years, I'll have to deal with this woman, and you know what? I'm not making myself miserable, or adjusting my parenting so that she feels special/there's no turmoil. Keep in mind, I still let kiddo spend weekends occasionally at her grandparents, involve them actively in her life etc....but i will not be a doormat to my MiL, nor will I put her needs above my child's (or turn a blind eye when she's purposefully trying to dick with me). But I won't deny that she loves my child deeply and fully means well. Nor will I limit the time they spend together,,,,but my kid, my rules.
I don't know if this stance makes my in-laws happier, but things are now FINALLY getting to be pretty normal and tension free when it comes to our almost 5 year old now and her grandparents. Mostly, because hubby has finally grown as spine and backed me up+ they know I don't back down/ and mean what I say. It ALSO helps that kiddo can tell her grandparents what she doesn't like now too...and that takes an immense load off my shoulders...so much of my stress when she was little is I knew they were stressing her/making her unhappy but she couldn't tell them 'grandma I want down' 'grandpa I don't like doing that' etc.
Sorry this was so long, just thought I needed to give examples and explain that those 'little' annoyances now, will snowball later....best to nip in the bud now.
Um...stage five clinger? I would be worried about potential kidnapping or something, this person sounds unstable. No way would this person be allowed at my doctor appointments!
Tell this psych for back off! Boss or not you need to let this person know their place. It is nice of u to let the person go to one appointment but no way would they go to all. Also, if anyone called my Dh a sperm donor (joking or not) I would tell them where to go. Stand up before your baby is born and it is even harder and crazier