TTC: Sex Question

franny61390 · October 2014

Hello Ladies! My husband and I have on been TTC for 2 months now, so I am definitely new to this. I would like some advice on how to keep sex special while TTC. I don't really have any issue having sex on a schedule, but my husband I think gets really psyched out when he knows we "have to have sex." He has a trouble a couple of times (only 2) finishing due to anxiety. I ask him if there is anything I can do to make it better, and he says I am doing nothing wrong and he is very turned on and wants to finish but just can't get there.

Also, in case anyone is wondering, he has never had this kind of problem previously. I really think it is connected with TTC.

Has anyone else had this issue? Anything I can do or say to help him relax?

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Hi OP - welcome! First I encourage you to read the newbie blog and start using Fertility Friend so you feel the most equipped to tackle the TTC process.

IMO, I don't think you need to tell your husband that you're in your fertile window and need to have sex. Maybe just put on some fun lingerie, your birthday suit, his work shirt, whatever gets you two in the mood, and have at it. If you're temping and using OPKs, you can have all the knowledge you need.

Good luck!

Jags8 · October 2014

Don't ever tell him when "it's time." Just jump his bones. Try lingerie.

rufus426 · October 2014

I don't tell DH anything about when I ovulate or my FW so he doesn't feel any pressure. I am sure he can tell because usually from the time my period ends until I know I ovulate, we have sex ED or EOD, but we don't talk about it. It takes some of the pressure off. Good luck!

redcallalily · October 2014

Yeah, I really think men do better when they're clueless. Keep the fact that you're in your fertile window to yourself and just go for it.

thewickedfairy · October 2014

I definitely agree with PPs. I don't tell DH much unless he asks. Just keep HIO without telling him "it's time."

MrsC0617 · October 2014

I agree, keep it non-baby related. Think about how you got it on prior to TTC. Also, as much as you may be tired of it at that point, have sex during the TWW. That'll show your H that you still want to be with him, and you're not just using him for his seed (which MH has jokingly accused me of doing before!). Good luck!

PinkCamino · October 2014

hobbesgal said:

I have no advice to give other than get naked and get on it.

Yeah it's not that easy.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's really difficult to keep things interesting when we know that we need to get the deed done.

My husband struggles with performance anxiety and although in theory it should come down to getting naked and getting it on - anxiety is fucking powerful thing and it messes with mens libidos and ability to perform.

I can't even count how many cycles ended up in a screaming fight. I was anxious because I knew we needed to have sex because the OPK was positive and he knew that he needed to perform but couldn't so I would freak the fuck out on him which looking back on it was a horrible thing to do to my poor Dh.

I know some ladies say to keep the details of our cycles private and although I do agree we get to a point where our Dhs know the deal. My husband knows when I'm in FW because we've been at this for so fucking long. So, trying to hide it and pretend that it's not FW to minimize the anxiety can work against you - I know it clearly has for me.

A friend told me to try massage or naked cuddling to take the pressure off. I've tried both and it works. It helps take the focus of the TTC part of it. Putting in a little extra effort goes a really long way - I wish it wasn't like this but unfortunately it does get pretty tedious. I'm totally guilty of assuming that my Dh could just perform on command and since we've put more focus on setting the mood (so fucking corny right?) the situation has improved immensely.

Best of luck.

longhornwino0907 · October 2014

I'm in a similar boat to @PinkCamino. DH doesn't know specific details of my cycle, but he does know when I'm in the FW. We've been at this for 10 months now, so he's caught on. He also has some performance anxiety when he knows it's time. He also has trouble with EOD sex if we're at it for more than three sessions. He loses sensitivity, can't perform, and it's a real strain. For him and for me. My DH has the exact reactions yours does, OP: he gets frustrated with himself, I ask if there's anything I can do, and he tells me he wants me and it very badly, he just can't control what's happening to him.

The past three cycles or so, we've started to experiment with things that help him get in the mood. Naked cuddling, massages, different positions and times of day, those sorts of things. Lingerie seems to help, too. And lots of patience on both our parts. He's learning how to deal wit his frustration and not get inside his own head (I know half the time it's a self-fulfilling prophecy type of thing). And I try to be supportive while also allowing myself to be disappointed. It's a fine line to walk.

I don't really have any advice to give. Let him know you're in your FW or don't, that's up to you. But if/when he catches on, patience is your best friend. And just know that you're not alone. DH really feels like he's the only man who has ever dealt with his. And he's not, and I'm not the only wife helping her DH get through this.

ETA: I wish you the best of luck.

PinkCamino · October 2014

Dbarar said:

I'm in a similar boat to @PinkCamino. DH doesn't know specific details of my cycle, but he does know when I'm in the FW. We've been at this for 10 months now, so he's caught on. He also has some performance anxiety when he knows it's time. He also has trouble with EOD sex if we're at it for more than three sessions. He loses sensitivity, can't perform, and it's a real strain. For him and for me. My DH has the exact reactions yours does, OP: he gets frustrated with himself, I ask if there's anything I can do, and he tells me he wants me and it very badly, he just can't control what's happening to him.

The past three cycles or so, we've started to experiment with things that help him get in the mood. Naked cuddling, massages, different positions and times of day, those sorts of things. Lingerie seems to help, too. And lots of patience on both our parts. He's learning how to deal wit his frustration and not get inside his own head (I know half the time it's a self-fulfilling prophecy type of thing). And I try to be supportive while also allowing myself to be disappointed. It's a fine line to walk.

I don't really have any advice to give. Let him know you're in your FW or don't, that's up to you. But if/when he catches on, patience is your best friend. And just know that you're not alone. DH really feels like he's the only man who has ever dealt with his. And he's not, and I'm not the only wife helping her DH get through this.

ETA: I wish you the best of luck.

It sucks doesn't it? So sorry you're dealing with it too. Not sure if you're interested in trying something but Dh and I purchased a male fertility/verility tea from the company I order my OPKs and HPTs from. I checked all the ingredients out and it's safe - TBH I doubt there's anything in it that actually does change their ability to perform but it has acted like a placebo. At this point, if the tea makes him horny or makes him believe he's hornier than usual I say why the fuck not.

3houlagirl · October 2014

The first cycle we were trying my DH had to really try to get there a few times. So I started making sure we had sex at least twice a week (preferably three) all cycle long. Now when I jump him, he has no clue what's going on. I have also discovered that when I initiate "spontaneously" more often, so does he.

Try to keep the focus on having sex with each other, not having sex to get something. And definitely don't talk about sex like it's something that must be done; sex is fun!

Ant&Al2825 · October 2014

My DH wants to know when I get a positive OPK. I just leave it on the counter in the bathroom so he can see it, or I might just say "tonight." And he knows. We then don't talk about anything TTC related for the rest of the day.

We had a lot of trouble that last 2 cycles, but I'm pretty sure (unless my body goes wonky) today Is my day and we've hit the last 4 nights so it's working for us. Foreplay has been key for him, if I take the time to make him happy, I know he feels like I'm not using him for a sperm bank.

Ultimately you have to come up with a plan that works for you two . The best thing I did was take advice from these ladies and have an open and honest conversation.

Good luck!

[Deleted User] · October 2014

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divinemsbee · October 2014

So, my H knows pretty much everything about my cycle. That's mostly his choice and a little bit because, as others have said, we've been at this a while and he knows that there are certain things he needs to do. And it's not always romantic around my FW or when we're dealing with testing (there are very few ways to make jacking in a cup romantic, but we were allowed to do it at home, thank God).

All of that being said, my H has dealt with delayed ejaculation on-and-off since we started sleeping together, so long before we started TTC. Here's a few things that help him out:
1) We try to have sex at different times of day. What works best for us (and I realize it's not do-able for everyone) is having sex earlier in the day. Morning, lunch break, evening after he decompresses from work but before dinner. Trying to have sex at night after dinner is the worst for us because we're all sleepy and full. No fun. Also, we have different bedtimes/sleep habits, so trying to get it in during the day just works better.
2)The other good thing about trying at different times is if at first you don't succeed...We can try again later. It takes a lot of the pressure off. If he's not getting there we can always start back up later. It allows us to keep sex a little more fun, and there's no law saying you have to finish the first time around.
3) This is more of a technical tip: H finds that if he can move his head, kind of nod it quickly over and over, during sex when he's not getting off, it helps. I don't know if it's the blood flow or what, but that can be the thing that lets him let go (he's given me permission to share this tip).

I'll admit that it's totally a mental thing for me, as well as for him, that we try to hit all the days I get positive OPKs. Probably not necessary, but, especially since I can look back at the timing of BFPs, we're a little weird about timing. Again, not for everyone. Yes, we have both gotten stressed about it, and it's taken some time for us to come up with ideas that work for us. But, and this is the important part, we're in this together.

Also, we definitely have great sex outside of my FW. I try to not let sex drop off of the earth just because my OPKs aren't positive anymore. I still proposition him and let our sex life be about each other. There are times when it's not fun, but there are a lot more times when it is. Keeping that balance is important.

franny61390 · October 2014

Thank you for all the helpful replies!

I currenly don't tell him when i am fertile, but I think he just knows. We have been together for five years and he kind of figures it out. I also feel like its kind of a give away when I jump on him when I have worked all day and normally would rather go to sleep. He knows me too well!

Part of the problem is that he goes about sex completely differently during this time. He's very focused on coming, which is good I guess, but not very sexy.

I think we should just have an honest and loving discussion.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

buttercup227 · October 2014

We have had similar problems. So we have tried to keep it fun and light in the bedroom. He loves when I make any sort of attempt to change things up. For example different lingerie, toys, or even a little dress up. He had told me once that he had a nurse fantasy so I bought a little costume. The role play really makes it fun for both of us! There are lots of halloween stores around now with really inexpensive costumes. I'm planning on going after halloween and trying to buy a few new ones! It was really outside on my comfort zone at first but after he loved it so much I starting having a lot of fun starting to get creative with it! Good luck!

EricaOO · October 2014

OP, my husband and I had the same problem first time around. He knew we "had to do it" and then couldn't perform. I stopped talking about TTC/OPKs so much, added some lingerie into the mix, and he got over it.

KRB26 · October 2014

My husband couldn't finish once when we were TTC our 2nd. It was definitely TTC stress related because he never has that problem. I was also trying to follow the SMEP plan so I think it was just too planned for him. This time we are just having sex, no agenda. Lol.

PinkCamino · October 2014

KRB26 said:

My husband couldn't finish once when we were TTC our 2nd. It was definitely TTC stress related because he never has that problem. I was also trying to follow the SMEP plan so I think it was just too planned for him. This time we are just having sex, no agenda. Lol.

only once? lucky you.

gscoville · October 2014

kPinkCamino said:

hobbesgal said:

I have no advice to give other than get naked and get on it.

Yeah it's not that easy.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's really difficult to keep things interesting when we know that we need to get the deed done.

My husband struggles with performance anxiety and although in theory it should come down to getting naked and getting it on - anxiety is fucking powerful thing and it messes with mens libidos and ability to perform.

I can't even count how many cycles ended up in a screaming fight. I was anxious because I knew we needed to have sex because the OPK was positive and he knew that he needed to perform but couldn't so I would freak the fuck out on him which looking back on it was a horrible thing to do to my poor Dh.

I know some ladies say to keep the details of our cycles private and although I do agree we get to a point where our Dhs know the deal. My husband knows when I'm in FW because we've been at this for so fucking long. So, trying to hide it and pretend that it's not FW to minimize the anxiety can work against you - I know it clearly has for me.

A friend told me to try massage or naked cuddling to take the pressure off. I've tried both and it works. It helps take the focus of the TTC part of it. Putting in a little extra effort goes a really long way - I wish it wasn't like this but unfortunately it does get pretty tedious. I'm totally guilty of assuming that my Dh could just perform on command and since we've put more focus on setting the mood (so fucking corny right?) the situation has improved immensely.

Best of luck.

PC is so wise, she said pretty much exactly what I would have said! I would just add that the pressure to perform really is a thing, it's hard to work around and you just have to be patient and understanding. There have been many times where my hubby just couldn't finish, it was especially frustrating given our age and that we don't typically have more than weekend sex, so trying to get in even two or three days of sex in a week was pushing it for us. I couldn't hide the fact I was ovulating, he'd know whenever I initiated sex for the second time in two or three days, so not letting him know my FW wasn't an option for us to relieve the pressure on him. I had to bite my tongue many times and just say "it's ok", even though I knew we'd missed our chance, because, well, it's not like getting mad at him would make things any better, KWIM?

Ultimately, I always think of it from his perspective - what if I was the one who had to orgasm to get pregnant, could I do it on demand? Not that we don't have amazing sex, we do, and hubby gives me the Big O on the regular, but there are just some times where no matter what I don't orgasm, nothing he does can get me there, and I know that if I knew I HAD to cum to get pregnant, I probably wouldn't be able to. So I can only imagine how our poor guys feel when the pressure is on.

karlac84 · October 2014

Like others have said, don't tell your husband when you're ovulating so there's no pressure and also try to do it for fun too! Try massages, oils, music, toys, anything to make it fun! Good Luck!

smd1225 · October 2014

My husband talks big..wants to know when the prime time is and talks big about having sex daily...when time comes I'm lucky if we get two good timing tries in...we usually always get one but that's typically on the outskirts of the fertile week. Then as the days tick by he's always too tired. He told me this week..." Next time, time the fertile period on the weekend!"

LittleMrsW · October 2014

LindsRockies said:

You can always turn on some video games for your husband to play while you're doing the deed.

dead!

GypsySoul1112 · October 2014

Welcome to the board...hope you find it useful! Don't forget to read the newbie blog too, it is super informative.

I think you bring up a great point. A lot of times, husbands may feel the need to "perform" if you tell them you are in your fertile window. DH is usually ok with me telling him, but this last cycle he got a little annoyed because I kept reminding him (in a playful way). I think it's totally normal to feel pressured, which takes away from the whole experience. Also, DH joked that I was "using" him for his sperm but it made me think about making sure we still have sex and make it special even when it's not the fertile window.

PinkCamino · October 2014

smd1225 said:

My husband talks big..wants to know when the prime time is and talks big about having sex daily...when time comes I'm lucky if we get two good timing tries in...we usually always get one but that's typically on the outskirts of the fertile week. Then as the days tick by he's always too tired. He told me this week..." Next time, time the fertile period on the weekend!"

I think a birds and bees talk is on order.

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