Oct 15th and fighting the just-world phenomenon

forevermyfenix · October 2014

I just finished typing this into one of my support groups. Not really public awareness, but I tried:

I'm sure you've seen those pink ribbons everywhere and slogans of Save the Tatas for Breast Cancer Awareness month.

But that's not the only awareness October is dedicated to. It's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. The 15th in particular is dedicated internationally.

It's been a rough day for me. Had a mini breakdown at internship. Luckily the only person who saw me was my supervisor who has gone through this as well.

So many statistics surrounding today's awareness.

1 in 4 will lose their child.

26,000 still births every year in the US.

We have a higher infant mortality rate than 28 other countries.

and 50% of the time there is NO explanation.

Yet there is so little research. 1 in 4 women - that means we all know someone who has been touched by this. Yes where is the research? And why is it so taboo to talk about our children? Why haven't we figured out why the US loses so many babies?

I just really miss him. So much. Maybe it sounds silly to those who don't have children to miss someone I only knew through rolls and kicks. But it hurts, and this longing to hold him doesn't go away.

It isn't all just emotional either. I see the stretch marks, I see how my clothes will never fit me the same. How I have that mom pooch in place of my once (relatively) flat stomach. But no baby...

I need to try to get myself back in shape. 225lbs now at 5'4" and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. Still wearing my maternity jeans. Trying to figure out how to dress this new shape.

But really I could give a damn about my shape if only I had my baby here to justify the change.

I feel like I've aged so much. I'm only 23 for gods sake. How does a 23 year old lose a near full term baby and have a disabled H? I usually revert back to my dad's teachings - look back at the decisions that led to these consequences. But I didn't make a bad decision leading to this. This wasn't my fault and there's no justification for these consequences. It just fucking sucks. I'm waiting and waiting for things to get better, for life to have a little more sunshine and a little less grey. But I wonder if itll happen. If the just-world phenomenon (people generally get what they deserve) isn't true, then what about the opposite? Am I doomed to be some kind of martyr - the picture that reminds others to appreciate what they have - yet doomed to lack a certain "sunshine" that others have? I don't know. I'm probably not making any sense. Everyone admires Joan of Arc but no one wants to be the one burning at the stake without obvious apparent rewards for the suffering.

I've always tried hard to always make the right choices, to work for what I need and want, and always do "right" by others and myself. It's hard to come to the conclusion that doing right, working hard, and fighting for the fruits of your labors doesn't always end in obtaining your goals. No matter how hard you work for it, some things are out of your control. And despite working for the good, you still have to live with shitty consequences. Some small, some life changing. Yes, life can be forever changed due to consequences you don't deserve and worked hard to avoid.

I know some who after coming to that realization, would say "fuck it" and stop trying so hard to do "right," because if you've gotta deal with the shitty consequences anyways why waste the effort. Wouldn't it be better just to steal happiness wherever you can get it - deserved or not, and eek by with minimum effort to reward ratio?

I guess I don't do that because my very nature is programmed to earn what is mine. I didn't "earn" losing my son. I did everything right. But it doesn't change the end result. And it hurts.

msunshine123 · October 2014

I can appreciate what you are saying. It's not fair. the statistics stink, but no one tells you about those when you are pregnant - you find out about it after you've had a loss. I agree - so much more research really needs to be done. There also really needs to be more awareness. I never knew anyone who lost a child due to a cord accident prior to loosing my son. Yet I was not the only one at the first support group we went to - it seemed so common it was crazy.
For me personally I don't think God wanted any of our babies to die. I think it's just nature. I really believe God cried with us the day we lost our child and has been helping us each day to hurt a little less. I do wish God had performed a miracle and saved our son, but I also believe that miracles happen rarely because if they happened all the time they wouldn't be miracles and we would have no need to have faith.
Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs today.

teedaalee · October 2014

I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriage you experienced. The loss of your son is one of the more difficult moments to face in life. Although I am not personally familiar with going through, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. Have you and your H been able to have a heart to heart about how you’re feeling (and how he is feeling) since this happened? Maybe consider seeing a counselor? It might help with handling some of the emotions and pain you’re going through? Hang in there! I’m glad you’re reaching out.

teedaalee0712

Mel&John2013 · October 2014

****siggy warning

It's all so incredibly unfair. Before my loss it never even crossed my mind that babies die. I wish all the time there were more awareness of how common loss is so people would push to find answers.

I'm sorry you're struggling, and understand the struggle. I hope you can find strength to keep working hard, even knowing it doesn't always guarantee the outcome you want.

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