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January 2015 Moms
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How to deal with family after stillborn...

jjstricklerjjstrickler member
in January 2015 Moms
My husband and I planned on not finding out the gender of our LO, but then we went crazy not knowing so we found out (of course). We are having a girl, but recently my sister-in-law was pregnant with a girl and had a stillborn, so we're afraid to tell his family it's a girl.


Should we ever tell my husband's family we're having a girl? If we do tell them, how should we do it? Should we just lie and say we don't know?

Janelle & TK

Baby #1
EDD 1-28-15

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Re: How to deal with family after stillborn...

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  • 4littlebears4littlebears member
    I agree to tell them if they ask. If they don't ask, you can always wait until the birth and I bet the excitement of the new baby will help ease the pain of remembering the little girl lost. I'm so sorry this happened to your SIL, it will be hard for her no matter what. It just is hard, and that's ok. She needs to mourn her little girl, just try not to take any of it personally because it really isn't about anyone else.
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  • melmarie4melmarie4 member
    That's a tough call to make because it might be worse for them to find out the day of, and then come to the hospital and put on a brave face. I wonder if giving them the heads up that it's a girl will give them more time to process it. I agree to not do it in person because she might feel she has to hide her true emotions. Have you already told your husband's parents yet? Would it be better for your SIL to hear it from them first, and then she can talk to you about it when she's ready?
    Pregnancy Ticker
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  • southernyankeegirlsouthernyankeegirl member
    What @summererobinson‌ said.

    It's a common misconception that those struggling will be hurt by news, so it's best to hide that news from them as long as possible. It isn't the same, but when I was going through infertility, I had a number of friends just suddenly disappear from my life, only to find out months later that they were pregnant and never knew how to tell me. Being direct and straightforward was so much better. I had a few close friends through my struggles who were pregnant and had babies - the ones who "got it" understood when something was too much for me (like a baby shower) but invited me anyway so I didn't feel left out. They never pushed conversations about their pregnancies or kids, but would talk about it gladly when I felt up to bringing it up. They also (very important) never complained about their pregnancies to me. Wrong audience.

    The worst thing is being handled with kid gloves. Obviously this may be bittersweet news, so it is best handled with care, but I believe that being direct and personal while still giving the parents time to grieve their own sadness is best.

    A phone call is probably best - it is personal, and gives them the opportunity of processing the news before you all have to see each other again. And let them know that you'll handle this however is easiest for them - don't hide your own joy or act weird around them. Let them dictate what works best.

    It's sweet you care!
    ************************SIGGY WARNING***********************

    Me: 29      DH:  32
    Off birth control March 2012 - Actively trying Sept 2012-April 2014
    Unexplained Infertility
    BFP on May 5th after Follistim & IUI #3
    Ryan Henry - born 1/10/15, 7 lb 5 oz, 20 1/4 inches

    NTNP for a sibling starting March 2015
    Waiting on cycle to resume while EBF


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