AW: Why, DH, why? Breaking confidences with ILs

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

Normally I don't AW, but MH hit a nerve with me today.

I've had a number of pregnancy complications and high risk issues throughout my first 30 weeks. Overall I've been pretty open with people about those struggles IRL.

This past week I was diagnosed with GD. I specifically asked MH not to share the dx with his parents or mine. Today I get a text from my MIL asking me about it. That's right, MH told them anyway. Pretty much immediately. He says it was an accident; MIL overheard him talking about it and then he "didn't want to lie to her" when she pressed him about what she overheard. So, he told her all about it instead. And then, he didn't warn me that she knew.

After having a nice 3T pity party for myself, I know this is not the end of the world, but I adamantly stated I did not want them knowing. I know my MIL - she will not be able to help herself from making comments on what I am eating every time I see her ... over the holidays, my shower and my birthday. Too late now; the food police are on my trail. I feel like the ILs knowing just demoted me from responsible adult to a small child.

Just ... why would it have been so hard for him to say, "hey, you overheard a private conversation ... rest assured we are fine and we don't want to discuss it"? And why did MH feel the need to cover up what he did after it was done?

CandaceC1020 · October 2014

I understand the way that you feel, but your hubby probably didn't think that telling them would cause any major issues. He also probably wanted to avoid making his mom upset, but now he's made you sad.

Eora3 · October 2014

You definitely need to talk to your hubby about this. This was a total violation of your privacy. You specifically asked him not to talk about your private medical information and he did it anyway. I would be livid.

You need to explain to him that his mommy is on a "needs-to-know" basis about anything pregnancy and baby related. If he can't respect your right to privacy, maybe he doesn't need the details either.

I would also call MIL and clearly state that hubby shared that information without your consent and you have everything handled with your doctor. Make it clear that the topic is absolutely not up for discussion and that it is no one else's business.

Eora3 · October 2014

Also, he needs to tell you who else he has told. Where was he talking about it so casually that MIL overheard it in the first place? I call BS. That story is just too convenient. I am betting he told her flat out.

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

I know I'm probably in the minority but I have very strong feelings that you shouldn't discuss anyone's personal medical information with others unless they consent to it. Even more so when you are specifically asked NOT to disclose it. And especially when that person is your spouse who you trust more than anything.

Eora3 · October 2014

ToriGirl2014 said:
I know I'm probably in the minority but I have very strong feelings that you shouldn't discuss anyone's personal medical information with others unless they consent to it. Even more so when you are specifically asked NOT to disclose it. And especially when that person is your spouse who you trust more than anything.

I totally agree with you and feel the same way. It is absolutely a violation of privacy and trust.

erien · October 2014

Your feelings are absolutely justified. You're not in the minority. I'd be just as upset. Thankfully, my husband didn't spill the beans about my diagnosis with my first until after DS was born. I don't know how I would have reacted if he had but I imagine it would have been similar to your reaction. Your husband needs to make this right by talking to his mom. He needs to explain she it not to discuss with anyone else or make comments to you regarding the diagnosis. Ugh. He has no idea what a difficult position he put you in.

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

Eora3 said:

Also, he needs to tell you who else he has told. Where was he talking about it so casually that MIL overheard it in the first place? I call BS. That story is just too convenient. I am betting he told her flat out.

I could see how you would think that, but it's not a BS story; he's just blockheaded. He said he was talking to her on our house phone when I called him to tell him what the doctor said ... he didn't put her on mute while we talked and she heard his half of the discussion. I knew she was on the other line (he mentioned it when he answered the phone to talk to me) but I had no idea she could hear us - I assumed she was on hold on the other line of his cell phone. Of course that was the conversation where I said, please don't talk to your parents about this!! So dude should have handled the subsequent conversation (30 seconds after I hung up) better than he did.

pchung · October 2014

ToriGirl2014 said:

I know I'm probably in the minority but I have very strong feelings that you shouldn't discuss anyone's personal medical information with others unless they consent to it. Even more so when you are specifically asked NOT to disclose it. And especially when that person is your spouse who you trust more than anything.

I totally agree with you. I was recently diagnosed with GD too and just like you chose to keep my medical information to just myself and my husband for the exact same reason you have stated in your original post.

Before we got pregnant or were even trying we had a conversation that we are a family now. Just him and I. We come first no matter what. That is where the circle begins. It has helped a lot during our struggle to get pregnant and with pregnancy.

Good luck and I am sorry you have to deal with your ILs. Remember, only you and your doctor know what is best for you.

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

pchung said:

ToriGirl2014 said:

I know I'm probably in the minority but I have very strong feelings that you shouldn't discuss anyone's personal medical information with others unless they consent to it. Even more so when you are specifically asked NOT to disclose it. And especially when that person is your spouse who you trust more than anything.

I totally agree with you. I was recently diagnosed with GD too and just like you chose to keep my medical information to just myself and my husband for the exact same reason you have stated in your original post.

Before we got pregnant or were even trying we had a conversation that we are a family now. Just him and I. We come first no matter what. That is where the circle begins. It has helped a lot during our struggle to get pregnant and with pregnancy.

Good luck and I am sorry you have to deal with your ILs. Remember, only you and your doctor know what is best for you.

Thanks. I know you get it. We have had the same conversation about us being a unit and that we have to have each other's backs first and foremost many times, especially when we were going through IF, fertility treatments, and our m/c (he never broke confidences about those things).

I just feel like it's hard enough to deal with the diagnosis without third parties being all judgy about your choices.

RayRay007 · October 2014

Ugh, I'm sorry. I know what's it's like to want to keep some things private. I tell my mom and sister a lot about my health/pregnancy, but they are my mom and sister. I wouldn't share that same info with mil or anyone for that matter.

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

thispluslullaby said:

ToriGirl2014 said:

Eora3 said:

Also, he needs to tell you who else he has told. Where was he talking about it so casually that MIL overheard it in the first place? I call BS. That story is just too convenient. I am betting he told her flat out.

I could see how you would think that, but it's not a BS story; he's just blockheaded. He said he was talking to her on our house phone when I called him to tell him what the doctor said ... he didn't put her on mute while we talked and she heard his half of the discussion. I knew she was on the other line (he mentioned it when he answered the phone to talk to me) but I had no idea she could hear us - I assumed she was on hold on the other line of his cell phone. Of course that was the conversation where I said, please don't talk to your parents about this!! So dude should have handled the subsequent conversation (30 seconds after I hung up) better than he did.

Sounds like multiple boundary issues... your MIL overstepping them, and your DH for not maintaining them. That stinks. Has he done this before?

You hit the nail right on the head.

MIL has never met a boundary that she's afraid to overstep. I texted her back after she asked about it today and just told her that it wasn't something I wanted MH to share with her in the first place and I didn't wish to talk about it. So far she hasn't pressed me any further.

MH has a hard time keeping anything from his parents, especially my MIL. It's a cultural thing - he's Asian American and Asian American kids have a hard time disobeying their parents and keeping "secrets" from them. I grew up in an Irish Catholic household and we didn't share ANYTHING with our parents. We have a pretty great marriage but this has been a stumbling point on multiple occasions. Over the years he has gotten better about respecting my wishes, but every once in a while something like this happens.

pchung · October 2014

@ToriGirl2014 Yes, ABCs (aka American Born Chinese) have a hard time with "disobeying". Or asking their parents opinion on everything.

Since he has been good throughout the pregnancy maybe this was a accidental slip up. I think you handled it well with your MIL. Hopefully she will leave you alone.

perfectlove09 · October 2014

Sorry he slipped up. I'd be pissed off too. Here's to hoping she drops it and leaves you alone!

rshamos · October 2014

He messed up pretty good, but after you talk to him about it, I would let it slide. If your MIL starts to police what you eat, make sure YH knows it is his responsibility to tell her to knock it off. Good luck!

desertsun · October 2014

We all make mistakes sometimes. It sounds like, in general, your H has been really trying to be respectful of your boundaries, and he just got put on the spot and lost his head. Not that that makes it okay, but...We're all human and being able to forgive is just as important as respecting our SOs, right?

I am a huge advocate of appropriate boundaries, but sometimes it's more complicated trying to establish those when there are cultural differences.

Are you able to have an honest conversation with your ILs and your H, explaining where you're coming from? That you know they are trying to look out for you, but it feels like "food police" and like a criticism of you on a personal level? If there is a chance you can get through to them by opening up, I would advise that. I always think that trying to develop a greater understanding is the best route -- when everyone is open to it.

If they just will never "get it," then you could always try, "Thanks for your concern, but my doctor has been very clear about what diet is best for me and baby, and I need you to trust that I am following my doctor's orders." And ask your H to have your back. Practice things you can both say in advance. That will make hit easier for him to be comfortable and actually stick to those boundaries instead of crumbling under pressure.

lavet22 · October 2014

Eora3 said:

You definitely need to talk to your hubby about this. This was a total violation of your privacy. You specifically asked him not to talk about your private medical information and he did it anyway. I would be livid. You need to explain to him that his mommy is on a "needs-to-know" basis about anything pregnancy and baby related. If he can't respect your right to privacy, maybe he doesn't need the details either. I would also call MIL and clearly state that hubby shared that information without your consent and you have everything handled with your doctor. Make it clear that the topic is absolutely not up for discussion and that it is no one else's business.

Yes. I love all of this. My MIL gets no info other than, "we are headed to the hospital, please come watch the boys" because any tidbit she gets, she loves to ask all kinds of way personal info about and question everything I do. It's so obnoxious. I had this convo with my DH while I was pregnant with DS2 after his mother called my OB (she used to work with the nurse) and get my medical info regarding the status of my cervix after a L&D scare. Needless to say the sh!t hit the fan and she was no longer given ANY info what-so-ever. Good luck!!!

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

desertsun said:

We all make mistakes sometimes. It sounds like, in general, your H has been really trying to be respectful of your boundaries, and he just got put on the spot and lost his head. Not that that makes it okay, but...We're all human and being able to forgive is just as important as respecting our SOs, right?

I am a huge advocate of appropriate boundaries, but sometimes it's more complicated trying to establish those when there are cultural differences.

Are you able to have an honest conversation with your ILs and your H, explaining where you're coming from? That you know they are trying to look out for you, but it feels like "food police" and like a criticism of you on a personal level? If there is a chance you can get through to them by opening up, I would advise that. I always think that trying to develop a greater understanding is the best route -- when everyone is open to it.

If they just will never "get it," then you could always try, "Thanks for your concern, but my doctor has been very clear about what diet is best for me and baby, and I need you to trust that I am following my doctor's orders." And ask your H to have your back. Practice things you can both say in advance. That will make hit easier for him to be comfortable and actually stick to those boundaries instead of crumbling under pressure.

Practicing responses is a good idea. I'll definitely try that.

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

lavet22 said:

Eora3 said:

You definitely need to talk to your hubby about this. This was a total violation of your privacy. You specifically asked him not to talk about your private medical information and he did it anyway. I would be livid. You need to explain to him that his mommy is on a "needs-to-know" basis about anything pregnancy and baby related. If he can't respect your right to privacy, maybe he doesn't need the details either. I would also call MIL and clearly state that hubby shared that information without your consent and you have everything handled with your doctor. Make it clear that the topic is absolutely not up for discussion and that it is no one else's business.

Yes. I love all of this. My MIL gets no info other than, "we are headed to the hospital, please come watch the boys" because any tidbit she gets, she loves to ask all kinds of way personal info about and question everything I do. It's so obnoxious. I had this convo with my DH while I was pregnant with DS2 after his mother called my OB (she used to work with the nurse) and get my medical info regarding the status of my cervix after a L&D scare. Needless to say the sh!t hit the fan and she was no longer given ANY info what-so-ever. Good luck!!!

Holy crap! My MIL luckily has not gone so far as to call my OB ... yeah, it definitely would have hit the fan if things in my house were at that level. Thank goodness it's not.

xc1148 · October 2014

I'm on your side here...your husband should always be on your side and respecting your wishes. He needs to tell his mom he messed up and that she is not allowed to say anything about it to you.

Sassy me says that if she texts/calls to check on you, you should reply "hold on, call you back, I'm in line at krispy kreme"

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

katehgee said:

I'm on your side here...your husband should always be on your side and respecting your wishes. He needs to tell his mom he messed up and that she is not allowed to say anything about it to you.

Sassy me says that if she texts/calls to check on you, you should reply "hold on, call you back, I'm in line at krispy kreme"
Hehe this would be me too. Or "sorry I missed your call, I didn't want my second Big Mac to get cold."

If I wasn't so round, I would be ROTFL. You guys crack me up.

If I get food policed, I may resort to the Krispy Kreme line.

RayRay007 · October 2014

Lol at the Krispy Kreme retort.

While we're on the topic of privacy and MILs ,
When I was recovering from a cs with dd DH must have said something to his mother about some concerns we had about the incision healing well because everytime I saw her she asked about it. It was fine and I told her so and I'm sure my annoyance started to come across because she eventually stopped asking. But seriously, what business is it of yours?if I had a vag delivery would you be asking about my vag?? We're not talking knee surgery here, we're talking about something very intimate and private, IMO. But these are the type of people that talk (gossip) about everyone else's medical issues to anyone who will listen. They really need to learn to myob.

Cheekers2010 · October 2014

lavet22 said:

Eora3 said:

You definitely need to talk to your hubby about this. This was a total violation of your privacy. You specifically asked him not to talk about your private medical information and he did it anyway. I would be livid.

You need to explain to him that his mommy is on a "needs-to-know" basis about anything pregnancy and baby related. If he can't respect your right to privacy, maybe he doesn't need the details either.

I would also call MIL and clearly state that hubby shared that information without your consent and you have everything handled with your doctor. Make it clear that the topic is absolutely not up for discussion and that it is no one else's business.

Yes. I love all of this. My MIL gets no info other than, "we are headed to the hospital, please come watch the boys" because any tidbit she gets, she loves to ask all kinds of way personal info about and question everything I do. It's so obnoxious. I had this convo with my DH while I was pregnant with DS2 after his mother called my OB (she used to work with the nurse) and get my medical info regarding the status of my cervix after a L&D scare. Needless to say the sh!t hit the fan and she was no longer given ANY info what-so-ever. Good luck!!!

How is that even possible with HIPPA!? That office messed up in a major way.

aksue22 · October 2014

I specifically asked H not to tell his mother about my GD diagnosis for exactly the same reasons. She tends to overreact and worry needlessly and would totally be the food police. I didn't feel like having to justify every food choice I made in front of her, so I just asked him not to tell her. He was totally in agreement because he knows how she can be (she has a judgmental look on her face everytime he orders an alcoholic beverage and watches his food intake like a hawk due to his Type 2). Luckily, there have been no slip ups. If there were, I'd be dreading just being around her, waiting for a disapproving look if I order a carb. I feel for you. Your H owes you big time.

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

Anna930 said:

I guess I'm with quite a few of the PP's that I read this more as MIL crossing the line - probably because my MIL would be one to cross the line and hubby seems to bow down to most of her requests (husband/his family are Jewish and seems to be a cultural thing to be somewhat of a momma's boy. Granted Jewish boys make wonderful husbands for that same loyalty!!). MIL never should have asked regardless of what she overheard, or husband should have been able to tell her "it's really nothing - if there's a major concern that we want family to know about we will call you"

So certainly be grumpy, hope that there is no food policing going on, and try to forgive husband and MIL for their lack of seeing where the line needs to be drawn. Good luck!

I will forgive, but just in case my earlier warning wasn't strong enough, I reminded MH that this is not to be the subject of dinner conversation tonight (he is having dinner with the ILs and siblings without me there).

lavet22 · October 2014

Eora3 said:

You definitely need to talk to your hubby about this. This was a total violation of your privacy. You specifically asked him not to talk about your private medical information and he did it anyway. I would be livid. You need to explain to him that his mommy is on a "needs-to-know" basis about anything pregnancy and baby related. If he can't respect your right to privacy, maybe he doesn't need the details either. I would also call MIL and clearly state that hubby shared that information without your consent and you have everything handled with your doctor. Make it clear that the topic is absolutely not up for discussion and that it is no one else's business.

Yes. I love all of this. My MIL gets no info other than, "we are headed to the hospital, please come watch the boys" because any tidbit she gets, she loves to ask all kinds of way personal info about and question everything I do. It's so obnoxious. I had this convo with my DH while I was pregnant with DS2 after his mother called my OB (she used to work with the nurse) and get my medical info regarding the status of my cervix after a L&D scare. Needless to say the sh!t hit the fan and she was no longer given ANY info what-so-ever. Good luck!!!
How is that even possible with HIPPA!? That office messed up in a major way.

HIPPA is a set of rules medical professionals are supposed to follow. It doesn't mean they all follow them. My MIL called the nurse, and the nurse told her about my exam and visit because "they were just 2 friends talking." I filed a formal complaint with the office, which infuriated my MIL. She said I was trying to get the nurse fired. I said I was trying to protect my personal, private medical info and if that nurse is unable to do that, perhaps getting fired is a good lesson for her to learn. Then I had a serious convo with my doc, where I refused to have any nurses present during any of my visits from then on and if that was unacceptable for her, then I would be switching doctors and practices. My doc was completely understanding and the office apologized profusely, probably because they were afraid I might sue, I was seriously pissed off. It worked for the time, but I didn't return for any subsequent pregnancies.

pchung · October 2014

@ToriGirl2014 you might be okay. Asians are not fans of diabetes. (I can say this because I am Chinese) Asians do not like hearing that they have to eat less rice or noodles. So you might get some sympathy from MIL. Maybe. But still don't tell her anything!

pchung · October 2014

MJLovey said:

@ToriGirl2014 you might be okay. Asians are not fans of diabetes. (I can say this because I am Chinese) Asians do not like hearing that they have to eat less rice or noodles. So you might get some sympathy from MIL. Maybe. But still don't tell her anything!

This is super weird to me. I am pretty sure non Asians are not fans of diabetes either. I don't think anyone is like "Yes!! Diabetes!!" so...yeah, this is weird. Also, even ignoring the noodles/rice comment (I just can't today) I don't think anyone likes being told they can't eat anything with simple sugars due to major health concerns.

Ooh I better explain. It's not that anyone would like diabetes. (no one is happy about diabetes) But Asians are serious about their rice and noodles. Like a meal is not complete without it or one cannot be full without it.

BayCamp · October 2014

Mmmm.....carbs (says the Scottish/Irish girl) all the carbs. Rice, pasta, potatoes, bread. All. The. Carbs.

LaxMOM44 · October 2014

What the hell is going on? I think we need to stop the over generalizations of entire races of people. I don't care if you are that race.

aksue22 · October 2014

BayCamp said:

Mmmm.....carbs (says the Scottish/Irish girl) all the carbs. Rice, pasta, potatoes, bread. All. The. Carbs.

This. I have GD and I want ALL. THE. CARBS.

bowlwoman · October 2014

Sorry about your GD diagnosis. It sucks, yes, and even more so that you want to keep things private and that privacy was breeched.

ToriGirl2014 · October 2014

MJLovey said:

ToriGirl2014 said:

You hit the nail right on the head.
MIL has never met a boundary that she's afraid to overstep. I texted her back after she asked about it today and just told her that it wasn't something I wanted MH to share with her in the first place and I didn't wish to talk about it. So far she hasn't pressed me any further.
MH has a hard time keeping anything from his parents, especially my MIL. It's a cultural thing - he's Asian American and Asian American kids have a hard time disobeying their parents and keeping "secrets" from them. I grew up in an Irish Catholic household and we didn't share ANYTHING with our parents. We have a pretty great marriage but this has been a stumbling point on multiple occasions. Over the years he has gotten better about respecting my wishes, but every once in a while something like this happens.

OP, I feel for you in your situation as I am also a very private person (especially when it comes to medical concerns). But, as first generation Asian American woman who married a white man, I am insulted by your over generalization of us as a group. It is NOT a cultural thing for asian american adults. If anything, many of us are more secretive about information from our parents because of the upbringing we had.

It is not a cultural thing, it is a your-husband thing. Let's not get the two twisted. I have many friends I grew up with who are also first generation Asian Americans and none of them would spill the beans to their moms over health concerns of their wives/fiances. In fact, many of them specifically tell their moms that they just won't talk about certain things with them.

I get that you married into a culture that is different, but marrying in doesn't make you the expert and doesn't give you the right to lump us all into a neatly packaged stereotype...just as marrying into a white family doesn't give me the right to chalk everything MIL does as "a white cultural thing". It's offensive, we're individuals and neither myself or any of my Asian American friends have any problems as adults telling our parents to kindly butt out of marital matters. I'm sorry it's something your husband passed along to his mother, but let's not make over generalizations about a group as a whole based on what your husband did solo. Mmkay? Thanks.

Certainly I did not mean any offense. MH has said this to me several times as the reason why it's so difficult for him ... his siblings and several of my Asian American friends have told me that it is true of their families as well and supported the notion. I suppose I thought it was true since I heard it from so many over the years. That said, I also suppose I should not have lumped all Irish Catholic families together just because so many of them that I know personally don't express their feelings and share a lot with their families.

ninee88 · October 2014

katehgee said:

Lol at the Krispy Kreme retort. While we're on the topic of privacy and MILs , When I was recovering from a cs with dd DH must have said something to his mother about some concerns we had about the incision healing well because everytime I saw her she asked about it. It was fine and I told her so and I'm sure my annoyance started to come across because she eventually stopped asking. But seriously, what business is it of yours?if I had a vag delivery would you be asking about my vag?? We're not talking knee surgery here, we're talking about something very intimate and private, IMO. But these are the type of people that talk (gossip) about everyone else's medical issues to anyone who will listen. They really need to learn to myob.
Ugh these people are the worst. This is totally NPR, but my mom has heart issues and a few years ago was having a really rough time (thank God she's better now). But while she was privately worried and preparing for surgery, my uncle posted a very public announcement on FB saying "my sister is extremely sick. Everyone please go donate blood to help her." My mom barely posts anything on Facebook, but suddenly the whole world knew her business and was calling and "dropping by" to visit. It was awful.

I don't have much to add for OP as it has been pretty well covered and then some.

I will say that I really detest the fact that one even might need to specify that something is not public enough for Facebook, especially when it is someone else's info/news/story you are sharing!!

/endrant

krystrist2014 · October 2014

katehgee said:

MJLovey said:

@ToriGirl2014 you might be okay. Asians are not fans of diabetes. (I can say this because I am Chinese) Asians do not like hearing that they have to eat less rice or noodles. So you might get some sympathy from MIL. Maybe. But still don't tell her anything!

This is super weird to me. I am pretty sure non Asians are not fans of diabetes either. I don't think anyone is like "Yes!! Diabetes!!" so...yeah, this is weird. Also, even ignoring the noodles/rice comment (I just can't today) I don't think anyone likes being told they can't eat anything with simple sugars due to major health concerns.

Ooh I better explain. It's not that anyone would like diabetes. (no one is happy about diabetes) But Asians are serious about their rice and noodles. Like a meal is not complete without it or one cannot be full without it.
-------------------QBF----------------------- Really, though, don't most cultures have some sort of staple carbohydrate that is included in most meals? I don't think this is Asian specific.

Yep, agree with @katehgee. I mean, Italians are all about noodles (pasta) and bread! As are many other European cultures... Hispanics have tons of rice in their diet to... Middle Eastern people have a lot of breads in their diets also... So, yes, carbs are a staple in MOST meals, not just Asian meals (and frankly, to lump all "Asians" together under one category when Asia is made up of so many ethnically different countries, doesn't really paint an accurate picture either). Most cultures use carbs as staples because historically meat was harder to come by and things like wheat, rice, potatoes, and corn were easier to come by and filling.

Cryssteen · October 2014

Umm. My DH is a Catholic mix of English, Irish, German, Italian, and Spanish. He loves all of the carbs from noodles to rice to pasta to bread to torillas. Also, he can't keep a damn thing from his mother. Which of his multiple cultural forces is dragging his stereotypical behavior? Please, enlighten me.

Beevol · October 2014

Skipping all the weird race stuff because I just can't with it today, your DH crossed a boundary with you and the two of you need to address that openly, honestly, and completely NOW.

When the baby comes there will just be more things that you might want to keep private, not fewer, and if you two aren't on the same page ahead of time it could seriously harm your ability to effectively coparent. He can make all the excuses about his culture or his mom or whatever that he wants, but when it comes down to it, the two of you need to have an accord and set boundaries that you both agree to and promise to maintain.

And yes, they're just excuses. We all come from different macro and micro cultures* and if he wanted to, he could have married someone who felt the same way about sharing everything with one's parents, but that ship has sailed and now he has to be a grown up, respect your boundaries, and if he can't he needs to be upfront about that with you.

*Macro as in "East Asian" or "Catholic," micro as in "the Jones Family" - every family develops their own traditions and communication styles and now he has a family with you and the two of you together get to work out how that new culture looks (is it an extension of his natal family? of yours? something completely different? etc).

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