Stepson making husband not want more kids....

Elfinlady30 · October 2014

We've been together for 9 years and my 18 year old step son came to live with us 7 months ago, after not having seen his dad in 12 years (not by the choice of dad). He came to live with us because his mom kicked him out shortly after he turned 18 because he was picking fights with her new boyfriend and because she had a baby on the way. To put it bluntly, it has been complete hell for both of us to the point that the amount of stress the fighting (between my step son and my husband) is causing in our house has caused me to start having stress related health problems. We've always planned on having kids, but now my husband is saying that he is not sure he can actually be a good parent if this is how his other kid turned out. I've tried telling him that he really has had no influence on his son and that the way he turned out is NOT because of my husband. But, my telling him this isn't working. Does anyone have any thoughts on how I can help him understand this?

Thanks.

Belou52579 · October 2014

I'd get my relationship right with my son before I thought about fathering any more children. Sure, he's 18 now and no longer a baby but even at 18 he needs parent's who care enough about him to push him down the right paths.

I can only imagine the stress that the fighting is causing both of you, have you thought about a mediator for all three of you to visit? Counselling? I may be projecting a bit by assuming your step son has issues with his father's lack of involvement in his life in the past and now rebelling against his influence on him now that hes in your house, regardless of the circumstances of what's brought him to this point.

I would push for a third party to help you guys. I understand wanting a child of your own with your husband, I'm there, too. But he has a child-a big child-that he needs to get things together with.

acbarbour · October 2014

I don't have any advice beyond the PP's suggestion of counseling. I do sympathize with you DH because he is probably feeling like a failure as a father and I would be leery of "messing up" another person with bad parenting if I was him. I think that the SS would benefit greatly from counseling because 12 years is a long time he would have been 6. You guys are strangers to him and your house rules are probably vastly different from what he is used to.

I personally grew up in a blended family and didn't see my Bio-Dad from 12 yrs old to 25yr old. He is not an authority figure to me because we are both adults and we still clash in that respect. Also, I felt like he did not care about me because he didn't come see me or fight to see me. I am not sure of your DH's custody situation but your SS might have some of these feelings. For me there was a difference in the lifestyle that my Bio-Dad had without me, he had a house my mom had an apartment, he had nice cars my mom didn't, etc. That made me feel worse about being around him.

The short version is that you are not sure of the rules, living arrangements, or discipline, or even what he was told about his father in the last 12 years so counseling is what is best fir every. You will benefit from picking up some coping techniques that will assist you during this transition period.

tobrieornottobrie · October 2014

Have you asked your DH if he is open to family counseling? Obviously I'm not the first one with this idea, but I definitely think that having an objective third party to talk to is a good option. It sounds like a difficult situation and I'll be praying for you and your family. Blessings!

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

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