How to deal with boyfrined having a child from a previous relationship

Lash4060 · October 2014

How to cope with boyfriend's child

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for quite a while. In the beginning it was great we spent a lot of time together and he was sweet and romantic. When we first started dating he made me aware that he had a baby on the way with an ex that he no longer deals with. I was so swept off of my feet and things were so great that i thought i could handle it. He also was not sure if the baby was his or not. Once the baby arrived i was miserable he obviously had to go see the baby at his ex's house for a while and now he gets his son twice a month. We are currently long distance because a plan we had to move fell through on his end. Now that his son is here im extremely jealous i remember what things were like before the baby and we discussed building a life together but now it feels like he is living that life without me. He is a cop, in the reserves for the military, and sees his son twice a month so being long distance saves no much time for me. Before his son, he was the perfect man for me everything i could have wanted or asked for he has. I dont know how to get over the fact that i will never come first in his life again. I have no kids and my attention can be devoted to him in a way that his cant be devoted to me. Sometimes i think i do not even want to have kids anymore because he has already experienced it. He wants me to share in his excitment for his childs development but it just makes me sad. I have never dated anyone with kids before for this reason. People say i should just leave but it is not that easy when your heart is invovled. How can i work through these feelings and accept my situation? Will it get better and are the things that I'm thinking wrong?

cole2144 · October 2014

Honestly, I love my husband and SD but blended family life is very stressful. We have been in a court battle with my husband`s ex since 2011 with no end in sight and they were never married. You are right, you will never be first in his life because children come first. I would never advise someone to chose this life because it is very hard. How is his relationship with his ex?

fellesferie · October 2014

Just because leaving is not easy does not mean it's not the right thing to do.

You loved your relationship with him before, but things have changed. They can't unchange; there is no going back. You have to make a decision based on how things are now. And it sounds as though things are not good for you.

Have you discussed your feelings with him? If you have and things have not changed, you have your answer. If not, it's a conversation worth having. Adding a child to your life is hard and everything has to be rebalanced. That can take time and perhaps trial and error.

bebe11 · October 2014

I don't think anyone really knows what becoming a blended family is like until you are in it. It is not easy, even as the kids get older. Does your boyfriend include you, as in do you get to visit and build a relationship with his son? I am guessing not since it is long distance, but maybe if you can get to know the baby you will feel more involved? What is the relationship like with the BM?

twister22 · October 2014

Being in a BF is HARD. Being a SM is a thankless job. It can be rewarding at times, but it is thankless as well. How long have you guys been together? How old is the son now? Is there a CO in place?

Honestly it is a huge red flag to me that you are jealous this child. It's your BF's SON for goodness sake! His son does and should come before a GF.

Sigir · October 2014

I will be blunt and say, it's over. Leave him. If you feel this way now when the baby is arguably at his cutest and most lovable, it is only going to get worse, much worse, as the baby gets older, more demanding, and eventually becomes a teenager. The man you met who had no kids is gone and is never coming back.

I admire you for recognizing so clearly that you can't deal w the blended family life. Many people in your shoes try to think love will conquer all and learn the hard way after many wasted years that live does not conquer all when it comes to blended families. It is really really hard. So you know what you want and what you dont... you just need to walk away. At least you don't have kids w him yet so your departure will be relatively easy.

It'll hurt for a.while but you know it's the right thing. Good luck!

Amee12 · October 2014

Things are only going to get more difficult as baby grows up. You'll have to deal with BM and her constantly calling or taking your BFs attention on top of the child doing so. It's not something everyone can handle and if you're already doubting it ilI'd say it's safe to say you've already made up your mind.

Ilumine · October 2014

You need t walk away. Becuase you really seem to be focusing on the one innocent point/person in all of this --- the baby that did not ask to be born to two parents who were not together. As for the rest of it, honey that is what parenting is? It's putting the children's needs first because THEY PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, COGNITIVELY AND FINANCIALLY cannot do for themselves. And this is going to happen whether it is your BF's bio kids or your bio kids. Your BF would not have been as attentive and giving to YOU had YOU been this baby's mother either. THINK about that. Would you have resented your own kid because your romantic weekends of fluff were no longer available? More importantly, what would have happened when you two got together full time and you actually had a real,life together? When the long distance weekends where you got everything done before he arrive or you arrived there, were over and real life and all the minutia kicked in? Would you no longer want a home together because house/yard work was taking away from your romantic time together? Do you see where I am going with this? YOU are focusing on the thing that is taking your BF away from the fluff and not recognizing that this is just one more aspect of adult romantic life. Look, I'm not saying get over this preconceived notion of what married life is and stay with him. You really need to walk away and find someone who has never had a child before because your response to this is way over the top and you won't be able to handle being a Stepmom to a truly needy (read age appropriate growing child) kid. And it will not work out for you and will just do damage to everyone involved. It sucks, but it's an honest assessment.

acbarbour · October 2014

I am not a SM but I began dating my now husband when my DS was 5 months old. In the beginning my mother would keep him for a week a month and DS godmother was my room mate. I had plenty of support and could date however I wanted. About 6 months later both my mother and roommate moved to other states at least 2 hrs away. The relationship changed. DH was very patient but even he had bouts of jealously because he had never had to share my attention before. He had a real conversation with me about how he felt and took a few months to himself to decide if he wanted a child right now. It worked out that he felt ready and we slowly (my DS was almost 8 at our wedding) built a family. Had he not been ready then that would have been fine as well. Please take some time out and look at what you really want. Everything you listed about him seems to be temporal; your BF's career, military status, the way he treats you, the one thing you have issue with his the only permanent thing fatherhood. he was upfront and honest about expecting a child you should be honest as well about your feelings.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

I think it just all depends on your perspective. In a way you could count yourself lucky that his child is an infant and you can develop a relationship with his child and create a beautiful bond from a young age. I say this because my ex and my current fiancé both have teenage children. I can only assuming that building a relationship with an infant is easier than a teenage girl.

If you feel you cannot accept his child then you really need to be strong enough to walk away and find a man without kids.

Life doesn't usually go the fairytale way you imagine it. But if you feel so strongly about wanting that fairytale life then you really need to leave him and find someone unattached.

Like everyone said having a blended family has a lot of challenges and you really need to be mentally prepared for it if you are going to make a commitment to him.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

And like others said you should be proud to be with a man who is being a father to his child instead of walking away. It shows you that if you have a child with him he will hopefully be a good father to your children too. I don't know the distance he lives from his child but it seems like he would see the baby more frequently than twice a month. Usually for infants the experts recommend frequent short visits.

shelbutler · November 2014

When I first met my now husband, my stepdaughter was 13 months old. I knew that my DH had been engaged before me and dated this woman for 7 years on and off. I also assumed that ex-fiance and baby mama were the same. They weren't. That definitely through me for a loop - but either way he wasn't with either one, he was with me.

However, with that being said- I expected tension when we got serious. I expected that BM would have issues with 'another woman' being around her child. It was NOTHING like what I prepared myself for. She would stalk our FB's (even though her and her whole family/friends we knew about were blocked from our pages) and any pictures of us she would screenshot and text to him saying she didn't "want strange women around her daughter." She's been BSC from the beginning. But I knew she would always be there, because that is SD's mother.

Becoming a blended family with her so young was great! However, now that she is getting older - she understands how to be more manipulative and also understands when people tell her things that aren't necessarily correct and it has strained our relationship in many many ways. I love her just the same as I did when I met her, but I'll never be her mother - her mother will. My husband is always going to have a connection with her, while not emotionally, by physically for the sake of their child. Try your best not to be jealous. You should embrace what you have.

As for having children...I'm expecting my first child with my husband. This is my first pregnancy, obviously, his second rodeo. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it is hard. Because I feel like he's already done this once, he's not as excited as I am, he is already a daddy. I'm getting to become a mom and have that bond that I could never have with my SD. I love them the same, and I will always love them the same, but it's different. In his mind, it's the same though. It's just the way that he processes it. You shouldn't let him sway your decision of having children because of that and if he does you really shouldn't be with him.

Bottom line - to love him, you'll have to love his kids. They're an extension of him. If you can't do that, its kind of selfish in my opinion - but you have to adapt. Otherwise, you're going to live the rest of your life wishing you had something that you don't.

Yenisbabytwo · December 2014

Run

Unknown · December 2014

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