Visitors After Birth

gingersam1990 · October 2014

How did you or how are you going to handle people visiting after baby?

If you're a second time mom, did you welcome the attention or did you want some space?

TeeJ526 · October 2014

As of right now, we're only allowing our parents to visit after the baby arrives. We would prefer to have a few days to ourselves once we get home to settle in, but not sure if it will work out that way. If it does work out, then other family and close friends can visit once we settle in. With notice of course.

AubriasMomma113 · October 2014

I'm a first time mom and in the hospital I'm going to let any family and friends visit, I'd rather them visit there than come to my house after we go home even though some probably will anyway but the good thing is not many know how to find my house hahah but I also don't want to get too overwhelmed with visitors especially after my c section so if it gets to be too much I'll tell my nurses to tell everyone I'm sleeping or something

minirella · October 2014

I will be registering as a private patient this time around. With my first, I had originally gone in as a private patient but a nurse talked me out of it. Anyway, I had a bunch of visitors that showed up unexpectedly. They just came to the hospital, gave my name, and my room number was given out. Someone saw me totally nude, one person got upset because I didn't want people in while I was attempting to breastfeed and sent an email expressing her dismay, and a few other things that happened. This time around it will be grandparents only because they would literally die if they couldn't visit. Everyone else will just have to wait (possibly until cold/flu season is over).

serenbach · October 2014

The only thing that I'm telling my friends/family is no suprise visits, at least send a text to ask if it is okay to come over at X time. Otherwise they might turn up just as I've got LO to sleep and am trying to have a nap or when I'm covered in sick and the house is a mess! In the hospital I'm fine with friends and family coming during hospital visiting hours and I'm sure they will all use their common sense and let me know they are on their way!

@minirella‌ that sounds awful, I would be so mad! I hope you responded to her email and told her straight!

AshleyBiondi · October 2014

Immediate family and one or two close friends... I just don't want the fanfare or any drama!

GillianB32 · October 2014

I needed to be next to my mom, dad, brother and husband. Everyone else had to wait, and they totally understood it

ahbEsq · October 2014

I really thought I would want my space and had DH all prepared to be the bad cop, but after DS was born I was so excited that I wanted everyone else to see him and love him too. The visitors slowed down once we got home but I was still grateful for them bc they usually brought meals and helped out around the house. I also had a bit of baby blues and having visitors actually made me feel better.

UberBiz · October 2014

Honestly, it gets lonely in a hospital room by yourself with a newborn! FI was with me a lot of the time, but he had his daughter visiting when we had our son, so he had to be home with her for most of it, and I was glad to have visitors. With our son at home now, and me planning on taking a longer hospital stay than I did last time (RCS), I'm sad I don't have more friends here to come see me and keep me company. I'll probably have my mom come and spend time with me.

ashiscute · October 2014

I liked having visitors in the hospital. It's a bit boring in the hospital and it's nice to have people come see baby and talk for a half hour or so. IME people didn't stay much longer than that. DD was born on a Friday night so we had a lot of Saturday visitors. DS was born on a Wednesday so not as many people came and I kind of missed that.

I didn't feel like we needed all of that time to bond or be a family because I knew those things would happen and we were still all alone most of the time anyway.

amieeyoung · October 2014

I got a few visitors here and there - the first day in the hospital after the birth was the most visitors, but then it trickled down. I enjoyed having people there, but enjoyed some down time. I don't think you will know what you want if a FTM until you are there in the moment.

YogaSandy · October 2014

Hi. I had two SILs who had babies before me. They both had tonnes/steady stream of visitors (if that's you're choice, awesome). I just knew I didn't want that. I wanted time with LO and DH. We told our families only LO's grandparents and aunts/uncles. No one made a big deal of it. That was still a fair amount of people.

I didn't want much more, but I didn't know what I would be comfortable with. Later, we did let DH's aunt and two close friends come. No one stayed really long. I think that was key.

Decide what you want; you can always change your mind depending on how you're feeling and you're comfort level after.

gingersam1990 · October 2014

Thanks everyone!

I was thinking of limiting visitors to our parents only and then having everyone else come visit about a week after we got home and got into some time of "norm" (which may be impossible, who knows!). My family was totally okay with this and some already on planning to not visit until a couple weeks to give us space on top of DD being born in the middle of flu season.

DH's family is totally against though and has said they will show up at the hospital anyway. I told them that I could very well change my mind and want visitors right after but I would like the option to have just a few people. She's our first and we are meeting her for the first time same as everyone else. DH has stood up to them as well and said that he's never even held a baby and just wants some alone with with her before everyone else gets to see her.

But they are still set on coming whether we approve it or not.

I'm not sure if we should compromise because this is our first child...we may change our minds after she is born but we just don't know how we will feel yet. Also I would hate for them to be waiting in the hospital forever and have a nurse tell them to go home. I feel like it would make it worse but I also want to feel respected and like I have the option to say yes to visitors or no.

Thanks for all your feedback!

PrimRoseMama · October 2014

Space!

RayRay007 · October 2014

Our plan with our first was to not have visitors while in L&D and then call people whenever we were ready for visitors. We talked about not even telling people we were in L&D because we didn't want people asking for updates and I didn't want to think about them twiddling their thumbs at home waiting expectantly on us. I ended up with a stat c/s during a routine appt that DH didn't even make it for, so we only called people once we were settled in maternity and had our first visitors about 8 hours after the c/s. This time we will probably need help to watch DD so we will have to let someone know we're going in to hospital, but only DD will get to come see her brothers right away and we'll let other visitors know whenever we're ready. I enjoyed having that much time to ourselves last time, so I'll probably give myself that much time again.

Eta: as for who visited, we only had grandparents and gr grandma and our best friends visit. Bf had recently had a kid and knew what a mom might like in hospital so she brought snacks and other goodies. I was in for 3 days and only had visits 1-2x a day. I didn't like them to stay much longer than 1/2 hour. I was exhausted and wanted to just stare at a wall if I was awake rather than talk to people.

PrimRoseMama · October 2014

Have the nurses intervene. It's really rude for the inlaws to invade despite your wishes.

RayRay007 · October 2014

OP sounds like you might want to consider not telling DH's family when you are going in to hospital if they aren't going to respect you and show up anyway .

gingersam1990 · October 2014

That is something we've considered...not telling his family until after the baby is here because then we will know for sure if we want visitors or not. We still want his parents to be there though but they are all for their whole family being there.

Another thing is his family wants me to tell my grandmother not to come down for a couple weeks because she's overbearing and they are afraid it will start a fight.

I agree she is overbearing but I don't think it's right to tell my grandmother she can't come when his whole family is going to be there.

Honestly I am leaning more towards space. I just want the option and then I can always change my mind.

We've been pretty firm but I think we may have to turn a bit ugly lol.

BLH2014 · October 2014

gingersam1990 said:

That is something we've considered...not telling his family until after the baby is here because then we will know for sure if we want visitors or not. We still want his parents to be there though but they are all for their whole family being there.

Another thing is his family wants me to tell my grandmother not to come down for a couple weeks because she's overbearing and they are afraid it will start a fight.

I agree she is overbearing but I don't think it's right to tell my grandmother she can't come when his whole family is going to be there.

Honestly I am leaning more towards space. I just want the option and then I can always change my mind.

We've been pretty firm but I think we may have to turn a bit ugly lol.

The part in bold is HILARIOUS to me because they are acting completely overbearing by insisting they'll be at the hospital against your wishes!!

If it were me and I had family that flat out told me they weren't going to respect what my DH and I wanted...they wouldn't be told anything until after the baby was here and we'd decided when we want visitors. It seems incredibly disrespectful to me that anyone would insist, and I personally would have no issues doing whatever was needed to lay down boundaries. If they are bad before the baby is here, what will the be like AFTER?

TeeJ526 · October 2014

I agree with PP. Tell the hospital staff your wishes. They're good for that. Sorry your husband's family possibly won't respect your wishes.

lesliegolem · October 2014

Everyone is different but with this child we won't be telling anyone we are in the hospital until after the baby is born and then no visitors until we're settled. With my first it was a nightmare. My in laws showed up, overstayed and camped out while I was in labor. My crappy brother in law just played on his cell phone taking up space and my own brother didn't even have a chair! Then my MIL kept trying to convince my DH to let her in during labor. Never again.

Too with my Dr, lactation consultant, pediatrician etc. My room was always busy. It was so stressful. Definitely tell the hospital staff your wishes. My DH didn't step up to the plate like he said he would so this time I am being an adamant B about it!

no visitors except my mom and possibly my sister. You do not want to be stressing about this, labor and a newborn will be stressful enough! Good to get your plans together now and don't relent. Good luck!!

Edited because words are hard.

YogaSandy · October 2014

gingersam1990 said:
But they are still set on coming whether we approve it or not.

I'm not sure if we should compromise because this is our first child...we may change our minds after she is born but we just don't know how we will feel yet. Also I would hate for them to be waiting in the hospital forever and have a nurse tell them to go home. I feel like it would make it worse but I also want to feel respected and like I have the option to say yes to visitors or no.

Thanks for all your feedback!

My advice is don't compromise if you don't think you want visitors (you can change your mind depending on how you feel, but not BC you've been bullied into it). It shows that they can stomp their feet and get what they want. Behaviour that will continue once DD is here. You need to set boundaries. They show up - oh well, can't come in. You are the patient.

minirella · October 2014

You might get lucky and deliver during non-visiting hours. My husband's parents were dead set on coming to the hospital right after I had our daughter. I delivered 11 minutes after visiting hours closed, they weren't allowed and had to come the next day.

I would be somewhat careful about relying on hospital staff. The post-partum wing at the hospital where I was at was just a long hallway with the nurses station in the middle of the hallway. There was no restricted access onto the floor (in L&D they had to buzz you in but post-partum was wide open). I was one of the first rooms on the hallway, furthest from the nurses station and they couldn't stand watch at my door. I don't know how your hospital is set up so that may or may not be an issue.

Also, in regard to my experience, I was told by the nurses during my visit/tour that they don't mind intervening with visitors but my actual nurse on the day I was admitted - after she talked me out of being a private patient - said the opposite, that they don't like to get involved and requested that I designate someone like my husband to be the contact point. My husband came and went during the entire time I was there so when many of the visitors came, it was only me in the room. All of that factored into my bad experience and to be honest, it is the biggest worry for me this go round.

AlwaysForgetful · October 2014

First baby I had way to many people in my room waiting for me to return from a emergency Csection and trying to cope that I had just given birth to a 28 week preemie... and then more issues on day 3 when they were mad that we would take them to NICU to see the baby... Umm, we had been asked to not see our own child that day because he was doing REALLY bad and was sound and touch sensitive. So...

SO loves visitors. I do not. Especially the first day after surgery (Csection). So no, I do not enjoy lots of people the first day. My hospital stay is where I get my alone bonding time with baby. When I return home I have to be on my feet taking care of everyone and I have 2 LO at home already (3 are in school). That and I have one visitor that is loud, has no common sense, and I love her, but I do not need her advice. She loves to give me all her "never had a child but hey, she has babysat her (step) grand kids!" advice... Cause managing 2-3 kids with large age gaps is the same as managing 5 very close in age with one being special needs.

Good news is, there are not a ton of people who come after the first boy and first girl (well, for me anyway). It is just my parents (dont stay long), my FIL (who could stay all day, he is quiet and I don't mind him), Auntie..... Ok, she is the woman from above... and if she is ill she always says it is allergies... yeah.... and likes to come a lot unexpected, and SIL. She doesn't stay to long. So I am good. I just like to know. I do not like my limited sleeping times interrupted. lol And I do not appreciate someone trying to tell me how to nurse a baby and maybe I should give up and just give her a bottle because "it's the same"... Umm, it's not and well, After so many kids, I got this. Take your never been used boobs and leave my room.

Oh, I am cranky today... I should add that in.

Dani0329 · October 2014

I have told family/friends who have asked they are welcome to camp out in the waiting room if that's what they feel they need to do. I was also clear no one will be in the room until the baby is here, other than DH.

suncake · October 2014

Space. And more space. Like don't touch my baby space. I have told every one just to wait till me and DH call them. My mother will be the only one who is at the hospital. But she acts as my nurse also. I might be a b - word, but my baby my pain my rules. Good luck!

luvinlifeMN · October 2014

Space. And we didn't get it We called our parents when we knew we wouldn't be going home and told them we'd call again once baby was here or if we had an update to give. I called my mom about an hour after DD was born (we had to decide on a name) and she told me she just couldn't sit around and wait so she drove to the hospital and was in the waiting room for labor and delivery. I felt so incredibly rushed to do the things I needed to do to move to post-partum because I didn't want to keep her waiting (eat lunch, go to the bathroom, breastfeed).

Ideally we would have loved to have had a few hours alone with our daughter. Instead, my mom was there right away, followed by my in-laws, then siblings trickling in the rest of the night, etc. etc.

I'm not sure how we'll handle that this time. After the fact, I made my mom aware that she kind of cramped our style, but it was partially my fault because I could have had her wait until we were ready for visitors. Ideally, she'll watch my DD when we have DS so we can call and tell her when she can bring DD (who we'd like to be the first visitor) so she isn't waiting around at the hospital.

racheldiaries · October 2014

Parents are coming for birth, and in-laws about a month later. DH parents are in-tuned and won't want to stay too long to prevent cramping and invasion. My mom, I may have to worry about. Other than that, I am declining people from visiting. We live out of state and people would be wanting to stay for a weekend or longer. DH deploys three months after she is due and I don't think it's fair to him that he would have to be consumed by visitors in our household and fighting for time with her. Once he leaves I probably won't mind so much.

nicolerae90 · October 2014

Its exhausting. I got annoyed when people tried to visit asap after baby was pushed out of the utero. I want bonding time with the hubby, baby and myself. After all...we did wait 9 months to meet our bundle

byrne15 · October 2014

I consider myself lucky to have so many people that want to visit me and baby. With ds#2 we had over 30 visitors to the hospital.

However, with that said....it was exhausting. I didn't really get a chance to take a nap because people were always around.

I don't really want to tell people they can't come because I appreciate the support, but maybe this time we can block off some time for it to be just us.

badgererin · October 2014

With DS we had an emergency CS after almost 60 hours of labor. My parents/sister live 5 min away, so they were at the hospital waiting for me when I got out of surgery, but it was pretty traumatic and I needed the support. They left really soon after so we could get some rest and came back with yummy food for dinner that night. They also spread the word we didn't want visitors that first day bc we were so exhausted from the ordeal.

After day 1, visitors were welcome. It was mostly people who are really close to us anyway. And I agree about it being better for me for folks to visit in hospital, not at home. This time around we're hoping labor is much smoother and will probably welcome visitors earlier, but will include something about that on insta/FB when we post an official "baby is born" pic.

I think it depends on how well your potential visitors can meet your needs. But be firm in whatever you need!!!!!!

leela02 · October 2014

I love visitors but it was awkward to have too many at the hospital 'cause the recovery rooms are small and the nurses/techs/LC get in the way of social time when they come in seemingly every hour for one reason or another. Also whenever LO got taken to the nursery to get tests or see the pediatrician she didn't necessarily get returned to my room right after. We welcomed visitors if they called first so we can agree on a good time so as not to overcrowd the room. They also had to be ok with me being topless when I had to BF.

We also welcomed visitors to our house. Our friends and family were understanding that we can't entertain them for very long. They also always offered to bring us meals/coffee/groceries which was much appreciated.

seahorse4eva · October 2014

The cool thing about hospitals is you can tell the front desk that you are not having visitors at this time. The end.

I had to do that after 2 co-workers, that I'm not at all close with, showed up while i was half naked having a blood transfusion after the c-section, and could hardly keep my head up. I'm pretty sure that once they saw me, they realized how inappropriate it was for them to be there. But so awkward....

dianeg1017 · October 2014

With DH and I having 2 sets divorced parents we have too much immediate family to set limits on who comes. If they wanna come I won't stop them.

DevynLynn · October 2014

I have some extended family that are high anxiety and just a little too much for me to handle at times on a regular day, so this has been stressing me out. I finally just sat down and typed up a visitation plan that I am comfortable with to give to the nurses. They have absolutely no problem being the bad guys, so that helps a ton! Even if we tell that side of the family that we aren't ready for visitors, they won't be able to help themselves and will still show up. The great thing about our hospital is that you have to announce yourself and who you are visiting via intercom before they even let you in the doors to the unit, so unwelcome guests will be stopped at that point and informed of when we will be accepting visitors.

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