SS: Fights with your baby daddy / vent

whoberry · October 2014

I am sure sleep deprivation is taking its toll on everyone's relationships but man, DH and I get in the same fight EVERY DAY. We're both first time parents so we have no idea what we are doing but we've each got our own opinion about how much and how often to feed LO. Last night we were screaming at each other at 4 am. IMO, you feed the baby when he's hungry and don't wake him up in the MOTN unless he wakes up hungry. DH thinks we should wake him when he fusses in his sleep to feed him. He thinks if we don't feed him in the MOTN he won't eat enough during the day. I say screw that, if he's hungry he will wake up and let us know!

We both went to LO's GI appointment last week and I asked the doctor how much he should eat each day, if we needed to wake him to feed him, etc. The doc has no concerns about his weight or his weight gain and said we don't need to wake him up in MOTN,unless he slept for like 12 hours straight. DH refuses to listen to the doctor saying that I "didn't phrase my questions right." Yet he didn't try rephrasing them when we were in there with the doctor. Soooo... I don't know WTF to do. I am about at my wit's end with this same damn argument over and over.

Does anyone have any resources they can share that I can read about feeding? LO is exclusively FF as of Monday. What would you guys do in this situation? What are you and your SO's fighting about?

tbmadeamistake · October 2014

We argue constantly about our shitty communication. It always starts as something else and boils down to you don't understand me and that's not what I meant and I didn't have a tone. Super obnoxious.

Brittnic531 · October 2014

I'm so sorry you're going through this with you DH! We've had a rough time as well... although we've talked it out and we're pretty sure that DH has PPD and will be contacting his dr soon. We fought about everything. I know that doesn't help you, but I understand and I hope you can work things out!

As for the feeding, I'm VERY paranoid about LO getting enough because she had issues gaining weight at the beginning. I've been blessed in that she's a great sleeper and has slept 12 hours without getting a MOTN feeding. I never know if I should wake her or not, but two pediatricians and the GI dr have told me that as long as she's gaining weight and she's satisfied after her bottles, then I shouldn't worry about it (easier said than done). They keep telling me that she will wake up to eat and I am just trusting the truth of that. I hope that helps!

babygabe614 · October 2014

@Lilygrace48 love titting in solidarity. That is where we're at as well.

I think I am also super sensitive now because initially after we brought LO home, DH had some very obvious trouble adjusting to his "new life" (even though he already has one kid, but we only have him part-time) so he would make comments like, "Well I would do x, y, z, but I CAN'T NOW..." etc. and it really hurt me to hear him say that kind of stuff. He has gotten way better and loves coming home to LO every day but for whatever reason I can't shake the yucky feeling those comments gave me so I feel extra bitter towards him, sometimes without a real reason.

We struggle with communication a lot now which sucks because it has never been an issue for us in the past. We both are just so defensive about every little thing the other one says that sometimes we just end up sitting in silence all night.

Man, that turned into kind of a vent, sorry. And reading it now makes me think maybe I should start looking into counseling a little more seriously...

whoberry · October 2014

@kaysa2 That might work now that we are doing 100% formula. LO went through a period where he got up 2x a night so I would do the first and DH would do the second but he usually only wakes up once now. Last night he fussed twice but never woke up so I didn't get up to feed him. Then when he started fussing around 4 DH went through the roof because I hadn't woken him up to feed him earlier. Ugh.

I think I will suggest that we do an experiment and try it my way for a couple days or a week and see how it goes. Maybe I can at least get him to agree to that. If it doesn't work out we can go back to doing it his way. The trouble lies in whether we agree on the outcome. I can totally see him thinking it didn't work while I think it did. Sigh.

amackattack · October 2014

@whoberry I don't want to hijack this thread but wanted to ask you about the fussing in the sleep you mentioned. I think my babe might be doing this as well. During the night she will just start to move around a lot and kick and will sometimes make noises but her eyes are still closed. This used to only happen at like 4:30, but has started happening around 1:30 as well. I usually just feed her because I don't think I will be able to fall back asleep with all of her flailing around. Is this what your LO does also? Is this common? Why do they do this! I call it "bucking" in her sleep because it seriously reminds me of a wild bull.

whoberry · October 2014

@Brittnic531 thanks for sharing that. It sounds like most doctors agree that if their weight gain is fine there's no need to wake them in MOTN to feed. Unfortunately DH is a know it all so he doesn't always listen to the doctors. :-(

@Lcgroenewe yes that is exactly what LO does! DH and I used to fight about this too... he thought it was because he was uncomfortable or something and I needed to wake him up to deal with it. I read that babies just go through different phases of sleep and this happens when they are in a "light" sleep phase. They do wake up more easily in that phase too. If LO is sleeping in the PnP he kicks both of his feet down on the mattress really hard a bunch of times and it's super loud. He does that when he's falling asleep too.

amackattack · October 2014

@whoberry yes!! So glad to hear there are other babies that do this! Like I said I wouldn't feed her if it wasn't for the fact that it's so loud that it keeps me up. How long does your LO go on doing that? I feel like I should just ride it out but I have no idea how long it's going to last and my window to sleep is so short that I don't want to waste a minute of it. I also wonder if it's because she has a full diaper or tummy issues or something but don't want to risk waking her up by checking her diaper etc. Babies are confusing....I do agree that it really doesn't look comfortable. She is in a PnP also.

Anyone else's baby do this?

babygabe614 · October 2014

@Lcgroenewe @whoberry My LO does this as well. Along with a lot of grunting. We let her work it out (usually she goes back to sleep) and only go in once she actually starts whimpering/crying.

FAWKES81 · October 2014

@Lcgroenewe @whoberry My LO does this as well. I try to get him to calm down with the paci first and if that doesn't settle him down I go get a bottle.

babygabe614 this was going to be the costume fail I used! That's what I get for procrastinating (as usual)

whoberry · October 2014

@lcgroenewe last night I just rode it out twice to see if he sounded like he was going to wake up and he didn't. He does it during naps sometimes too. We have the bassinet feature in the PnP that he sleeps in and it seems like it's a LOT louder when he does the kicking in there. I think the crib would be quieter but we are not ready to transition him out of our room yet.

amackattack · October 2014

Okay...glad to hear it's common, but hate the thrashing! Another question if everyone will keep humoring me. Has your baby always done the thrashing at the same times they are doing it, or is this something new that has started as we are all reaching close to the 4 month mark? Mine has definitely started doing it way more than she used to.

@whoberry we are the exact same setup. Babe is in bassinet attachment in PNP. Don't want to move her, especially since she's was stuffy a few weeks ago and would cough and choke on snot in her sleep. Also, on the weekends and sometimes on cold nights I just like to pull her into bed for snuggles. For some reason H and I just like to have the whole family locked in our room at night (babe, us and dog). We will hopefully move her by the time she's 1. Also, she has started LOUDLY POOING in her sleep! Sooo frustrating!

whoberry · October 2014

@lcgroenewe He has been doing it since early on, I haven't noticed an increase lately. LO has been stuffy lately too so we've had him sleep in the RnP some nights. It prevents him from kicking his legs loudly and the elevation seems to help with his stuffiness. But sometimes I think he doesn't like the RnP because he can't stretch his legs out. There have been times he fussed so much in there I switched him to the PnP and he was out like a light.

ashanne88 · October 2014

DS also thrashes in his sleep. He's been doing it for a while. He especially likes to slam his legs down together. Doesn't seem to bother him or wake him up. He also sleeps in a PnP in our room. I only feed him when he wakes up or is starting to act hungry. Otherwise I let him work it out. I think it's either dreaming or working out gas. Somehow DH sleeps through all his noises. I, of course, wake up every time. But I love having him close and bringing him into bed for snuggles so we haven't moved him yet.

mrscbrad · October 2014

@babygabe614‌ we have a really similar circumstance and it's been tough for us too! I'm pretty sure we've only had LO bc I wanted more children as DH would have been ok with just my stepson who we have half the time. I'm super sensitive to anything he says too and just hoping this gets better soon. I'm not loving the adjustment period.

irenewslee · October 2014

DH and I used to argue over the same thing and I used to yell at him because I dont want DD to get used to waking up at night to eat. Well... She is now getting up every hour and takes forever to go back to sleep so we end up feeding her at least once. I think LO fusses in her sleep and ends up waking herself, unlike most of you where they eventually go back into the deep sleep stage. So the very few nights where LO sleeps more than 5 hrs straight, DH is too tired to get up to feed her. Problem solved...

But i say let him do it as long as he doesnt also wake you and LO goes back to sleep right away.

whoberry · October 2014

@irenewslee‌ that sucks that she is waking up so much now! I really should tell him to do the MOTN feed now that we're on all formula, but less sleep for him makes him even more rotten to be around. Hmmmm serious catch 22.

elsa1688 · October 2014

Maybe just screen shot this convo and show him that other babies do the same thing? I have with DF before.

twistsandturnsto2 · October 2014

Hey @whoberry‌! I have not been on here in forever but I wanted to add to your post. DS thrashes around in his sleep too. He is still swaddled(we need to break him out of that soon!) so he usually doesn't wake himself up while he does it. We only feed in the motn if he is fully awake now. He's sttn about 60 to 75 percent of the time, so he only gets an "extra" bottle once every couple days or so. That being said- he's a chunk and will definitely make sure he eats enough during the day, lol! IMO, at almost 4 months, unless you are dealing with a weight or health issue, waking to feed in the MOTN is unnecessary. Your baby should be able to let you know when he's hungry. Hang in there.

Hairstylist16 · October 2014

My DD thrashes around in her sleep too and it was extremely nice once we moved her to her crib in her room so I didn't wake up to her every whimper and kick which she would almost always fall back asleep without needing fed. And now she sttn and rarely wakes up for a motn feeding but I'm with you that if your husband feels he should be woke up and fed then he needs to wake up and I promise after a week of doing it that he'll change his mind. But if a Dr is saying he's fine I wouldn't worry about it and I really think he'd be waking up crying if he was hungry.

I feel like my DH fight all the time and we actually just had a big blow up of him not helping around the house enough. He's trying harder to help out but I have a feeling the since I'm a sahm we'll always have the same fight.

babygabe614 · October 2014

Hugs @mrscbrad! I can definitely sympathize. I'm not sure how old your stepson is, but mine is 9 and we are dealing with some serious behavior issues lately so in the beginning I felt like DH just didn't want to be "tied down" with the baby, but lately he has been saying he just doesn't want to have to go through all the issues we are dealing with with my stepson all over again with LO... which I get, but I have to remind him that she will be brought up totally differently than his stepson (one household instead of two, for instance) and she is also just a different kid so there is no guarantee we will or won't have to deal with the same issues. Anyways, I am here if you ever need someone to vent to!!

becomingmommyagain · October 2014

whoberry said:

@lcgroenewe last night I just rode it out twice to see if he sounded like he was going to wake up and he didn't. He does it during naps sometimes too. We have the bassinet feature in the PnP that he sleeps in and it seems like it's a LOT louder when he does the kicking in there. I think the crib would be quieter but we are not ready to transition him out of our room yet.

@whoberry - I know its a tough decision to make, moving LO to another room, but it might help you and your DH get through the night.

My LO is doing the same thing - he raises his legs up and thumps them onto the mattress, he's doing 360s in the crib at night, and often is on his side when I come in to get him in the morning. We use a baby monitor on the lowest volume setting so that if he gets stuck or genuinely wakes up we'll hear him. But the moving around all night is not waking him up and I was driving myself batty going in to check on him. He goes to bed at 8:30 every night and I have to wake him up for daycare at 6:30am. And on the weekends he'll go to 7:30-8am without waking.

Our pediatrician says so long as he is getting 25-30oz of BM each day, there is no need to wake him up to feed him. LO is exclusively BM, he takes 5oz bottles and usually gets 4-5 bottles and then 1-2 nursing sessions in each day.

Maybe now that you are on formula it will help to show your DH that he is getting all the milk he needs during his waking hours.

babygabe614 · October 2014

@CharSamm thanks for posting that link, it's really helpful.

KatWAG · October 2014

Hey, sneaking over here from July 2014!

OP, would it be possible to schedule a call with your LO's GI doctor? Or maybe a nurse at the practice? You said that your H didnt feel like he asked the right question. So maybe if he had a chance to re-phrase his questions, he could hear for himself that your LO is okay to STTN.

I think the good news here is that you and your husband are fighting about the best way to care for your LO. He is involved and he cares. He just isnt expressing himself in the best way. Maybe if he gets more of his questions answered then he will calm down a bit.

But I agree with who ever suggested having your H do the MOTN feeding. He should share in the responsiblity.

whoberry · October 2014

@twistsandturnsto2 so good to see you! I don't know how long it's been since you've been on but there is a j14 FB group that started and there are a bunch of PAIFers on there. I find it a lot easier to get on FB than TB every day and it's way easier to share pics. Plus it's a closed group. You should consider joining if you are a FBer.

@katwag I suggested that he call the doctor and ask him the question the way he wants it phrased. It was in the heat of our fight and he was like "I WILL" so I don't know if he actually will. You are absolutely right though about the "good news." DH is very involved and I am grateful for that.

Also- DH said he wasn't feeling well when I got home last night. He listed his symptoms and added at the end "extreme irritability" hahaha. That's probably the closest thing I will get to an apology. We still haven't settled this debate but LO woke up crying 2x last night and we fed him both times. DH did the 2nd wake up.

whoberry · October 2014

@amoot890 Email is a good idea but I don't think this doctor's office has a patient portal or email address we can use.

twistsandturnsto2 · October 2014

@whoberry‌ it is SO much easier for me to FB, part of the reason I haven't been around much. Id be totally interested to join if you will have me $:\$ ">

I hope things get better for you soon with your LO.

whoberry · October 2014

@twistsandturnsto2 I think @curlylocks3 is one of the admins on the fb group. I think you just need to pm her to be added.

ElTrain5 · October 2014

tdmrs said:
The slamming down of the legs drives me insane in the MOTN. LO typically does it twice, once at 130 and again at 430. I typically just wake up and put the paci in and he settles back down. I don't pick him up to feed until I see eyeballs which has been about 530 lately.

This is DS exactly. I have to admit though, sometimes he's so loud in his sleep I just go feed him so we can both pass back out.

mrscbrad · October 2014

@CAMag‌ I'm pretty sure getting out of bed would be my limit with two babies. He will get over it. I feel like 3 months old is the moment that husbands get really stupid. I have to run through the reasons I love mine like 10 times a day now.

irenewslee · October 2014

@mrscbrad‌ They do get more stupid and I think it's partially the sleep deprivation too. I now take every other Friday off until December and for some odd reason, H thinks that I will take the entire night shift the night before. Sorry but I didnt take the day off so you can sleep all night. And it's not like I do nothing on my day off. Thats my time to run errands, do laundry and every freakin thing else. I think the guys just need to stay home one of these days and take our place to see what really goes on at home.

@CAMag‌ I used to think my mom has nothing to do at home when we were little. But now I have BIG respect for SAHM. It's not easy, especially with 2! I hope your boys will sleep better and quieter at night so you can get some rest!

jclester614 · October 2014

Ugh, the marital tension! My DH goes to work early and has a hazardous job, so we *try* to prioritize his sleep. I work PT from home, and like PP said I don't think my H understands what it takes to care for a baby all day and all night. Some days he is really involved in the evenings and other days he is exhausted and just falls asleep watching TV. I hate that I feel this way but I often find myself thinking, "Oh shit he's going to be mad that I can't keep this baby quiet!" We live in a 1-bedroom apt, so LO sleeps in our room.

The other source of tension is "stuff," which I have had a hard time organizing -- we used to run our business out of our living room, now we have an office space but a lot of paperwork and odds and ends are still here, plus I work here now that we have the baby. It takes so much energy to manage our stuff...we just had another blowup about it today. Womp womp.

kriati03 · October 2014

Lilygrace48 said:
We argue constantly about our shitty communication. It always starts as something else and boils down to you don't understand me and that's not what I meant and I didn't have a tone. Super obnoxious.

^This exactly!

sjn00 · October 2014

I just want him to be more attentive and not so gosh dang lazy!! Putting her in her bouncer in front of the tv while you lay on the couch is not taking care of your child!!!! Get off your lazy ass and play with her!!! Ughh

ElTrain5 · October 2014

DD because I feel bad about ranting

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SS: Fights with your baby daddy / vent

IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

Re: SS: Fights with your baby daddy / vent

Married DH 7/30/11

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IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

IF, 5 losses, 1 son, 1 on the way.

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