How to help friend that has lost

hoping4aUNICORN · October 2014

First, id like to say you ladies are a bunch of fun, snarky bitches, but when it comes down to it I know your hearts are some of the biggest on TB!! I need some stranger advise!!! I just found out my sons teacher from last year lost her baby at 18 weeks

she was at my sons football game yesterday, I ran up and gave her a big hug, asking her how she was feeling (not knowing she lost the baby) I was floored, and flooded with such sadness when she told me. I have never known someone so close to me to loose a baby and she was so far along :-S I became very close to her last year, I was her room mommy, and she was one of those teachers that went over and beyond for my son who has had a very hard time with reading. She is a teacher that realizes each child is different, and each child learns differently... Other teachers in the past wanted to try and "label" my son, but she saw him for "him" :x
My question:
What can I do, how can I let her know my heart is poring out for her?? Like I said, I've never gone through this! Is a card appropriate??? I want to do more then a card!!!! I want to take her pain away and I know I can't, but what can I do to ease it, make her heart a little lighter???

[Deleted User] · October 2014

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Crystal7perry · October 2014

My heart hurts for your friend. One of my best friends recently lost her term baby (who was healthy through the whole pregnancy) due to birth complications. Needless to say, everyone is heartbroken. My friend and I are close enough that I've been texting her every day, usually just a quote about strength, loss, or grief just to let her know that I'm thinking of her. Sometimes she replies and sometimes she doesn't but she has told me that they mean the world to her because she feels pressured to move on but she is not ready to (this happened about 7 weeks ago). I actually flew in to visit her last weekend and although it was difficult for her to be around me with me being this pregnant, she told me she appreciated the fact that I was there and an open ear to talk to whenever she needed.

A card would definitely be appropriate in this case and if you can touch base with her a few times a week just to let her know you're thinking of her I bet that would be appreciated. A small gift or baking (as PP's have mentioned) also show that her loss has touched you and won't go unnoticed.

Creepy internet stranger hugs to you both.

rshamos · October 2014

That is horrible. My heart goes out to her. I agree that something simple like a spa day would be nice.

soulcupcake · October 2014

I think a card would be great, and definitely one specific to pregnancy loss. There are some great ones.

https://www.redbubble.com/people/carlymarie/works/7225479-remembering-your-baby?c=235001-baby-loss&p=greeting-card

And perhaps something tangible she can hold onto or keep with her. Not knowing her personally it can be difficult to know what soothes or comforts her. Maybe cook her a meal or bake something? The wives of my ex-husband's co-workers cooked and brought us meals for a week after losing our firstborn son. It was very kind and supportive of them because I was pretty numb and out of it for the first couple weeks. Cooking was definitely not on my mind.

Here's a "Healing Heart Comfort Kit," similar to a "get well" basket.

https://earthmamaangelbaby.com/products/healing-hearts-comfort-kit

My thoughts are with your friend. (((hugs)))

weezy29 · October 2014

A spa card would probably be greatly appreciated.. After losing my dad and brother I had people gift me with a massage gift card and it meant a lot to me. Losing someone(baby or otherwise) causes so much stress and it's nice to have an hour or so to decompress and allow your body to relax.

hoping4aUNICORN · October 2014

Thank you so much ladies! Think I'm going to find the perfect card and some super yummy chocolates for her. I agree, I need to keep my distance... My belly is huge and I can understand how that would trigger unwanted emotion, and it's not me, just the belly. I really do Appreciate your responses!!! Want to make sure I'm doing something to help and not make anything worse than it already is. THANK YOU

SeahorseMama · October 2014

I agree with the other ladies, cards are very thoughtful. I also had some friends who sent flowers, which were much appreciated. Just let her know you are thinking of her!

amedbery · October 2014

I am so sorry, how terrible. A thoughtful card and some chocolates sound like a good way to let her know you are thinking of her. Maybe include a nice message that you are there for her if she needs to talk.

beachy6 · October 2014

After my first loss, I only received one card. I still have it in a box with other things I have to remember that baby. It meant the world to me.

Seeing pregnant women was very hard and painful for a long time, so I'd imagine that it's the same for your friend. I'd just mail the card and leave it at that. She will appreciate the thought without feeling pushed to send a thank you card for a gift (spa card, chocolates, etc).

Honestly, I think she'll appreciate your thoughtfulness and the simplicity of a card at such a difficult time.

sbevann26 · October 2014

My sister lost her son at full term, and I know she felt cards were difficult and flowers were wasteful.

When you lose a baby you are so miserable and heartbroken that sometimes all those things can be a little too much.

Obviously everyone is different, but I know my sister was SO depressed after that she didn't cook which led to her not eating. The most helpful things she recieved from people were casserole dishes of food. Shepards pie, chili, Mac and cheese. Also she recieved a fruit basket, and that really helped her.

I think she will really appreciate that.

chonniesnow · October 2014

I'm a loss mummy, I lost my son last year after he was born premature. I would say a card and some meals or snacks or a fruit basket (as suggested above) would be lovely. I would avoid the spa gift card personally. I didn't want to talk to a stranger so soon after my loss. They can sometimes pry in those situations... 'How many kids to you have', 'when are you gonna have kids'... They will no longer be easy questions. I also would suggest honoring her baby by lighting a candle at 8 pm on the 15th of October for the baby and infant loss wave of light. Send her a picture, it will mean so much. Very sorry for your friends loss xx

Cryssteen · October 2014

I would just check in on her once in a while. A "hey how are you" text, email or call.. just to let her know you care. For me, when I had my early loss, I was basically an emotional hermit. It's really a healing from within process. It might be hard for her to be around you, while you're pregnant...

Eliz77 · October 2014

I've had 3 early losses. My 2nd was an EP that required surgery. After that one, I received a few things like an orchid, spa gift card and a gift card to my favorite restaurant. I also have received a couple cards from TTCAL ladies, which I felt was really sweet.

Honestly, you know her better than us. I think a little "I am here for you/thinking of you" note goes a long way. If she likes wines or spa treatments or chocolates, it just shows you are thinking of her. I don't think it has to always come off as "celebratory" to give a gift, but like I said, you know her better than me!

I am so sorry for your friend's loss.

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