Not Everyone is Going to Get Their Rainbow

buggirl72 · October 2014

I think it is time that I shared this article from Still Standing again. This article is blunt and to the point and it is truth. Not all of us will get our rainbow. Some of us will lose our rainbows. Some of us already have. Same of us will face an infertility diagnosis that cannot be overcome. Some of us will decide that our hearts have had enough. While this is a board that is title "Trying To Conceive," we, as a community, embrace all of our members including those who know they will not get their rainbow for whatever reason.

Even if you are new it is not hard to know your audience. Take the time to read what is in a person's signature block. Take the time to look at their post history. Take the time to actually read what they have wrote and try to understand what they are saying from their perspective. Understand that platitudes are never okay and that they are always hurtful.

Not Everyone is Going to Get Their Rainbow

For those ladies who know or who believe they will not get their rainbow, please share your story if you are comfortable. Thank you for continuing to contribute to this board. Thank you for being the beautiful, caring, and lovely women that you are. Thank you.

DenaMaree · October 2014

@wickedsugar I don't know what was said but having been on the board since April I want you to know who you are and the journey you share with us makes it Most important your a part of this community!! I am totally offended for you! Sending you SO many hugs!!

PinkCamino · October 2014

wickedsugar said:
That seriously made me tear up...

I know a lot of newer ladies have no clue about my story or why I'm even here, and after having some one act like a idiot & tell me I don't belong today, I'm hurt, and I don't know that I really want to share myself today..

I know your story and I'm sitting here crying with you. The universe is not fair and I wish I could change it for us but I can't. I can offer you friendship and love and so many huge enormous hugs.

gscoville · October 2014

Thank you so much for sharing this, Bug. I hope every newbie who wonders why they get jumped on for spewing platitudes reads this (plus Peta's post) in order to get some sort of idea of why those words can be so very hurtful, however well-intentioned they might be. And learns to just apologize. Why is it so few know how to apologize properly anymore? No, we don't think you intended to hurt anyone with your words, but yes, we expect you to put on your big girl panties and just acknowledge that you've made a misstep and say "I'm sorry". Not "I'm sorry if you were offended" or "I'm sorry but here's an explanation for why I said what I did". No ifs, ands, buts, or excuses. Just "I'M SORRY".

BethKate2 · October 2014

((hugs)) to all of the ladies who need them.

gscoville · October 2014

wickedsugar said:

DenaMaree said:

@wickedsugar I don't know what was said but having been on the board since April I want you to know who you are and the journey you share with us makes it Most important your a part of this community!! I am totally offended for you! Sending you SO many hugs!!

Oh our little friend @joanrain told me this on Pgal, nice huh ??

Thank You.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that Wicked, just hearing about it makes me all fucking ragey. How dare she!! ((((((((hugs))))))))

skategirl128 · October 2014

So many hugs @wickedsugar‌! She was totally out of line. I am outraged that she insinuated you don't belong here. You are an integral member of this community. As someone who has been so supportive to me the entire time I've been here I hurt for you. All of my love to you!

Unfortunately not everyone here will get their rainbow. For me, it's a very personal choice as to why we aren't even near ttc and likely will never be in the future. I'm at peace with that, but it isn't always easy. I'm here to lend support to a community that was here for me during one of the hardest times of my life.

So many hugs to those who need them!

joanrain · October 2014

Hi Wicked,

I'm sorry for what I said. Hope you feel better and accept my apology. I am on mobile so couldn't really see siggys or posting history. I didn't mean to hurt you or anybody. Hope you still stay here with your friends and keep supporting others. I said I wouldn't come back but I think I do owe you an apology for my ignorance so I'm posting again.

Have a good evening.

Joanrain

wickedsugar said:

DenaMaree said:

@wickedsugar I don't know what was said but having been on the board since April I want you to know who you are and the journey you share with us makes it Most important your a part of this community!! I am totally offended for you! Sending you SO many hugs!!

Oh our little friend @joanrain told me this on Pgal, nice huh ??

Thank You.

buggirl72 · October 2014

wickedsugar said:

That seriously made me tear up...

I know a lot of newer ladies have no clue about my story or why I'm even here, and after having some one act like a idiot & tell me I don't belong today, I'm hurt, and I don't know that I really want to share myself today..

@wickedsugar - ((((hugs)))) when and if you are ready, I hope you do share your story but please do not feel pressured to share it - especially when you are not in the right emotional spot.

More (((hugs))).

EKGibs · October 2014

((((((Wickedsugar))))))))

laswett · October 2014

Wicked, this is a beautiful post. I love your understanding and honesty.

LizBlue · October 2014

Thank you @buggirl72‌ I'd like to share my story when I'm feeling stronger. Today was my baby sister's baby shower and I'm protecting my heart a bit right now. But I really appreciate this post and plan on revisiting it to share soon.

Hugs ((wicked))

sunflwra · October 2014

DH and I have been having a lot of conversations about this lately. I remember a time when we talked back and forth about how many children we wanted to have and were torn between 2-3. I thought that would be the tough choice. To have those choices taken away from you is just something that someone who hasn't gone through it cannot understand.

When you get to a point where you have to start steeling yourself for the horrible what-ifs and how you are going to deal with what might be your new future is when the platitudes and the comments from others about what you "should" be grateful for in your life just fucking pisses you off.

And big, huge, squishy ((HUGS)) to @Wickedsugar and @LizBlue

jjbmstinco · October 2014

I just want to ((hug)) everyone!

ellebelle2384 · October 2014

Thanks for posting the link to that article @buggirl72. I love pretty much everything from Still Standing.

Big huge hugs to @wickedsugar, @LizBlue, @HoldingOutHope, and anyone else who needs them.

alm288 · October 2014

@buggirl72‌ - thanks for sharing the link.

@wickedsugar - I don't know the details of what happened, but am sorry you had to got though it. (((Hugs)))

@LizBlue‌ - I'm sure that was hard! (((Hugs)))

@HoldingOutHope‌ - thank you for sharing your story! (((Hugs)))

katib77 · October 2014

Wonderful article Bug. I have distanced myself from the board in part for this very reason (though this past month I still find myself checking the board at least three times a week). Since I'm at work, I will share my story later - but for those that can see my sig the condensed version is after five years of IF and two losses we made the decision three months ago to live child free. No rainbow for us.

PinkCamino · October 2014

wickedsugar said:

crimpgirl said:

@HoldingOutHope‌ thank you for sharing your story. I know how you feel about how many times can you go through a loss. We have only had 1, but at 34 everytime someone says "you still have time" it's so hard not to throat punch them. I hope we get our rainbow, I hope everyone on here does, but we just don't know. I'm fairly positive now, but a loss changes who you are as a person. My life hasn't been easy, I don't know how hard I want to become. I'm not willing to lose my marriage to my soulmate to pursue my dream of becoming a mother to his child.

Again... This is what this post is about !!!!!!!! I know you are new, but it has been clearly fucking stated that not every one will !!!! For some, there is NO hope, so please stop.

This.

LizBlue · October 2014

I think this is important and timely so thanks to those who have brought it up.

My story, condensed in my signature, is basically that we've struggled for the last four years with an unexplained infertility diagnosis. At every stage of that diagnosis, I had hope. Timed intercourse wasn't working - we will try IUIs. Six IUIs didn't work, but we still had IVF in front of us. We got pregnant spontaneously on a treatment break but had a miscarriage (worst heartbreak of my entire life, which led me to this board). But we got pregnant once, perhaps we could again! (hope) Failed IVF #1 - but we have three blastocysts left! Failed IVF #2 -- we have one blastocyst left (hope waning), Failed IVF #3 - the teeniest, slightest, faintest BFP -- I allowed myself to hope that much. And then chemical pregnancy - hope fucking done. I am tired of hoping. It is hurting me. We are out of money, time, and patience.

There is zero part of me that wants to start the drawn out, expensive, invasive process of adoption. I thought i would. But I don't think we can. Financially I don't even think it is a reality. But mentally and emotionally? I'm spent. My husband is spent.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have some stupid sliver of hope, but it's actually healthier for me to start contemplating a CFNBC life than it is for me to hope. It's more important that I focus on the rest of my life, my intimate life with my husband, and all the other parts that have been put on hold or suppressed over the last four years.

I tell my story because it feels important to flesh out some of the details to people who don't understand why someone with no hope with be on a TTC board. I get it - it's easy to ask why I am here.

I'm here because I found myself in the middle of the darkest and deepest pain of my life (all that hope - on a sonogram screen - with a fucking heartbeat--only to be snatched away).

Like everyone reading this, I found my way to this board where you all took care of me, answered my questions, sent me virtual hugs and wine, sent me actual fertility meds when I ran out of money (thank you angel - you know who you are), sent me love and inspiration.

Like most of you, I stayed because this community is fucking awesome.

Like only a few of you, I'm still here. Most of you will move on, and some of us are not going to get our rainbows. But we're still here, giving support but also getting support. This is a community.

I write all of this not to chastise anyone, but to remind everyone (including myself) to listen more than we speak. Especially listen when you've hurt someone. This board actually taught me that lesson the best -be mindful of your audience. You are not always going to get it right, but apologize when you don't. It is that simple. Not "I'm sorry but I didn't mean it." Just "I'm sorry," full stop. I've said "I'm sorry" before on here and i"ll say it again.

I'm one of the people here who is actively trying not to hope. It may be weird, but I'm a member of this community, so thank you for thinking of me as part of your audience too. It does not stop me from having hope for those of you who need it or want it.

Thanks for reading this long ramble of thoughts. xo

LizBlue · October 2014

((hugs)) @Holdingouthope I hear you loud and clear. I hope you have a fanfuckingtastic birthday month. xo

MSU_Girl1202 · October 2014

Wow, I'm not sure I was ready to read this since it involves staring the truth right in the face, and at this point, at least for me, with my most recent loss being so fresh, I need hope, despite how realistic or unrealistic it may be.
It seriously sucks, and it's not fair, that we're not all going to get our rainbows. I think about this all the time how you could want something so badly and it's completely out of your control. After my loss last week, my mother started saying things like "You'll get your baby...it's just not the right time...you're a fighter...you've gotten everything you've wanted in life, even if it involved fighting so hard for it, so you'll get this". While I appreciate her support, and want to believe it so bad, I just can't stand that no matter how hard I hope and want, and no matter what I do, there is a very real chance, that after trying for five years, this may not come to fruition.

Anyways, just wanted to send huge hugs to @LizBlue, @PinkCamino, @wickedsugar, @katib77, @EurydiceNymph, @HoldingOutHope, @sunflwra, @buggirl72 and every other lady here who is dealing with this.

LizBlue · October 2014

@MSU_Girl1202 hugs back atcha. You actually hit upon one of the things that has affected me the most - learning that this is out of my control, regardless of how much I want it, try for it, will it, or pay for it. I don't want to hijack this thread, but learning this lesson is coloring lots of my life lately. It's hard and scary to not have the kind of order in the world that we've all been taught, that sometimes hard work + good person doesn't always = success. I think it's horseshit.

Km380 · October 2014

I just want to send everyone some extra ((((((hugs)))))

buggirl72 · October 2014

@LizBlue - So many ((((hugs)))) and thank you for sharing your story. Thank you also for being so eloquent in expressing why you are still here and the lessons that this board has to give.

@HoldingOutHope - (((((HUGS)))))) there are so many similarities in our stories. I hate to see you heading down this road and I wish I could make things different for you.

@Katib77 - so much love and (((hugs))).

To everyone else who shared, thank you and ((((hugs)))).

This is not an easy topic to talk about and it is not an easy topic to be the person who is sharing their experience. You are giving up hope because you are forced to. That is a bitter pill to swallow. Talking about it is depressing and hard.

I am unique in that I already had 8 years of coming to terms with being CFNBC prior to joining this board. Like HoldingOutHope, I was married previously to someone who had MFI. We discovered that a year or two after trying on our own unsuccessfully. In the course of discovering that my ex-H had MFI, my endometriosis was diagnosed. I had multiple laps, we did multiple clomid cycles, both with TI and with IUI. I lost one of my ovaries after it doubled in size and my doctor was worried that it could be cancerous. It was not. At the four year mark, we decided to try IVF. My ex-H was on board for only one attempt. It did not work and, based on my response to the fert meds, the RE told me that if I was not pregnant by the time I turned 34, I would never be able to get pregnant and he did not think I could get pregnant any other way but by IVF. He did not tell me that I had DOR but that is what was going on. My OB upped my odds from zero to less than 1%.

A little over a year and half later, my ex-H left. Prior to leaving me he told me that he hated me for being broken. He blamed me even though he knew it was wrong. TTC, IF, and IVF destroyed our relationship. That turned out to be a good thing because I ended up meeting Mr. Bug. The love of my life is an understatement. I will just say that it is amazing how being in a great relationship shows you just how bad a previous one was.

From the age of 32 to 40, I dealt with coming to terms with my IF and being CFNBC. It took 8 years for me to come to peace with my diagnosis and the fact that I would never be a mother. For those ladies who are still at the beginning of this road, it does get easier. It just takes time. My heart aches for all of you for what you have gone through, what you are going through, and what you will go through.

The first couple of years, especially the years after the failed IVF up to turning 34 were hard - because there was a level of hope and a level of anger at wasting my last chance to have children. From 34 on, I knew from what the RE said that it was not going to happen. I had the end of my marriage to deal with while looking at a very lonely future. Even after I met Mr. Bug and we started dating, I still was dealing with the fact that I would not have children. I had been a teacher and I finally stopped when it became apparent that I just did not have the strength to work with children.

Mr. Bug never quite believed me when I tried to convince him that the chances of me getting pregnant was non-existent. He has a child from his first marriage and does not have any IF issues. It was not until we became engaged, when I was almost 39, that he did not worry about "if" I got pregnant. I thought he was silly because "if" was not an option.

I remember the moment when I came to peace with being infertile and knowing that I would never be a mother. For my 40th birthday we had went to San Diego. It was a great weekend. We had been married about 9 months and I remember sitting at one point and thinking how good life was and how good my future with Mr. Bug was. It was okay that I would not have kids. It was okay that it was just going to be the two of us. We made a ten year plan that involved us becoming ex-pats and moving to Italy. It was a beautiful feeling to be 100% at peace. Finally. Finally.

Two months later I found out I was pregnant. At 20 weeks he was born. I sometimes question why I had hope handed to me in such a way only to have it ripped from me. I am thankful for the time I had with Zachary and that I got to experience 20 weeks of perfection that should never have been given to me. I'm even thankful for going through the delivery with Mr. Bug by my side, because this is not something we were ever supposed to have together.

When I joined TTCAL, I fully expected that Zachary was such a miracle that I would not get pregnant again. With only one BFP after many, many, many cycles of trying, I knew my odds. Less than 1% does not change. Within the next four months, I got pregnant two more times and had early losses with both. Maybe the RE was wrong, maybe I was not as infertile as they thought. I had hope back. Hope is a wicked bitch. When my AMH came back at .17, my OB sent me to a new RE. It's amazing how from April 2013 to today, I've been given the opportunity to watch my sub-fertility go from 1% to zero. My first monitoring u/s gave the RE some cautious optimism. I had a nice amount of follicles for someone with one ovary. I had the expectation that I would have to go through several losses before being lucky enough to get a healthy egg. No further pregnancies happened. In June 2013, a monitoring u/s had such a bad response that the RE's partner told me that me "egg bank was almost empty". We tried one medicated cycle with a very poor response.

We moved a month after that and it was not until April 2014 that I got a new doctor. My CD3 blood work came back so bad that the new OB told me I was in menopause. An u/s in August showed no follicles on my ovary, a bunch of fibroids that had developed, and a complex cyst on my remaining ovary. My followup u/s last week showed the fibroids as still there, the complex cyst replaced by a simple cyst, and a couple follicles (and hope sneaking in at the sight of those follicles). My repeat CD3 blood work showed my FSH at over 40 and my LH at 15. Those are post menopause numbers. My OB is convinced I'm in menopause and is concerned that I'm still bleeding - because I should not being having cycles of any kind based on my hormone levels. Followup is in 3 months unless my bleeding increases in frequency. He has checked for cancer in some form three times in the past three months. That is how convinced he is that I'm post-menopausal and something truly fucked up is going on with my body.

I will not have my rainbow. I am not naive enough to believe I will be handed a second miracle. I don't understand why any of this happened but I'm not supposed to understand. I'm here because of the amazing support that I received and because I want to continue giving back. And, I hope to make a difference for someone. I watch PgAL for posts from 2nd tri ladies who have the same symptoms that I did. If I can convince one person to get their ass into the doctor in time to save their baby, then maybe it makes sense what happened to me and what happened to Zachary.

Mr. Bug is open to adoption but I don't think I have the heart to spend the two years it would take to try to get a child. And I have seen adoptions fall through. I know neither one of us have the heart for that. Honestly, we can't afford adoption. We can't afford IVF with DE which is my only hope of getting pregnant again. So, I again find myself coming to terms with not having a child of my own but this time it is coming to terms with not having a living child of my own. Eight years. I'm hopeful that I will be at peace again and that it will be within eight years, but I really don't believe that.

ETA - I want to add that because Mr. Bug does have a child, I do not feel that it is right for me to consider myself CFNBC. Even though his son is with us on an extremely limited basis, it is still more than what the CFNBC ladies have.

foodie12rn · October 2014

@buggirl72‌, thank you so much for sharing. I'm new to this board. I have no words for what you have gone through. All I can offer is ((hugs)). Thank you again for sharing, you are an amazing woman with an incredible amount of strength!

jjbmstinco · October 2014

((hugs)) bug. Thank you for sharing your story.You are very strong.

LizBlue · October 2014

Woke up thinking you this morning @buggirl72‌ I'm sorry for everything you've gone through but so grateful for your strength and presence on the board. Xo

bunnybun4 · October 2014

@buggirl72 thanks so much for sharing that article and also for sharing your story.

I know we are not at the end of our road yet but I also feel like we are at the last steps of our journey- I have felt myself start to shift my mindset. After each loss we have had my mind rushes ahead to how great it will be when we do get our rainbow. It's like when you start this process you automatically feel like all of the pain you have gone through ensures a baby at the end of the road to make it all worth it....slowly I am having to shift my mindset that this is not necessarily the truth.

After losing Bunny, and from time to time, I wonder why we were so easily blessed with her life only to have it tragically and horrificlly ripped away. But like you at the end of the day, i can say that I am so thankful for her life and for every second I got to carry her. Now I may just have to deal with the loss of ever getting to actually parent a child...it's such a hard pill to swallow and i know I can't even imagine what it is truly like since we aren't at the final place yet.

thanks again everyone for sharing..it is so nice to not be alone...I know my post may sound like word vomit but this topic has been on my mind for weeks so it was nice to read your responses. big ((hugs)) to everyone.

BookishMomma · October 2014

Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories here. It's not easy to do. Love you ladies.

yellowcat10 · October 2014

Thank you for posting this and for everyone who shared. I have been away from the board lately as I am trying to work out all of these emotions on my own since our last failed cycle hit me hard. I am not at the point that many of you are but feel deep down that CFNBC will be the out come. I am not sure why my hope has bottomed out, and my husband is upset, he is not even close to thinking about this. Perhaps it is because he has always wanted kids but waited for me to come around to it before we started trying. I know that we would be in this same place even if we tried sooner because of his MFI, but part of me feels guilty about waiting.

I promised my husband I would try everything in our power, which thanks to our insurance includes several rounds of IVF after this last IUI, but I know that is my limit. When the insurance stops, I stop. I am glad I told him this, but hate that he and I are in such different places right now.

Thanks for listening and for sharing.

tigerlynx31413 · October 2014

I am in tears. My heart breaks for you ladies. I haven't been around a lot lately but just from the gist of this thread I want you ladies who are cfnbc, or those coming to that reality, to know that you deserve to be here more than anyone. You have been here to support those of us who can't even fathom that kind of reality. I want you all to know I envy your strength and would love to be able to give even a fraction of the support you give to us back to each and every one of you. So many hugs sent.

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