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January 2013 Moms
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What do you think? DH advice needed

ReeceFamilyReeceFamily member
in January 2013 Moms
So, for anyone familiar with my marriage drama, DH is a mess.  I keep waiting for things to improve, and they did for a bit, and now they are much worse.  DH has fallen into a dark black hole - dropped out of school, has been marginalized at work, isn't getting along with management, and says that he experiences constant deep rage at everyone and everything.  He directs much of this rage at me, in a silent, seething way.  Last night for the first time it actually scared me, I started to feel like he might do something stupid.

We were supposed to go away this weekend as a family for 3 days, but I just couldn't stomach his silence/anger/contempt on a long car ride, etc., so I cancelled the vacation.  I told him I just can't do it right now.  So now he wants to go without me, and bring DD with him.  In a normal family...sure!  But DH has never cared for DD before overnight (has never been willing to) and for him to do it now, when he is in a dark black depression?  Every cell in my body is screaming "NO".  But I feel like I can't say no, he's her father, and he's looking for a fight, I think.  I don't think he'll hurt her.  I know he loves her and would do his best.  Part of me worries about him taking off with her, but i think that's just me being paranoid and uncertain about his true mental state.  What would you do?

(PS, DH has started counseling for manic/depression.  He had his first session last week).
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Re: What do you think? DH advice needed

  • ohiodoxiemama08ohiodoxiemama08 member
    First of all, hugs mama, sorry you're dealing with all of that.

    As someone who is studying counseling (though I by no means call myself a professional) it definitely sounds like your DH is not in the most stable place right now.

    I think you have every right to be concerned about him taking DD alone, especially if he's never done it before.

    Is he in a good enough place that you could sit down and hash out your concerns? Explain to him how worried you are about his current state? Would you be able to speak to his therapist at all about the situation? Maybe he/she could shed some light on it and help him understand what an undertaking it will be to travel with DD alone?

    You really have to go with your gut in matters concerning your child and their safety. I am so sorry you have to go through this. T&Ps that this situation begins to improve soon.
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  • DCKateDCKate member
    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! That said, no, I would not let him take her. I'm sure he loves her very much, but if he's not in a good place, I just wouldn't trust it.

    If you don't feel comfortable, trust your instincts.
    Our little Samosa arrives in January!
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  • bennikkibennikki member
    I'm sorry things have taken a turn for the worse.  I don't think you should let him take your daughter by himself.  He doesn't sound stable right now, and as we all know with our very mobile and curious toddlers right now, it takes a moment of distraction for something bad to happen, couple that with someone who's pretty wrapped up in his own issues right now, it just sounds like a bad equation.
    Me: unexplained infertility - annovulatory DH: testicular cancer survivor!! TTC since June 2009 BFP May 11, 2012 EDD January 24, 2013 June 1, 2012 - first u/s, heartbeat 124 BPM!! June 22, 2012 - heard the heartbeat 9w1d 181 BPM!! 24 hours of labor, 4 1/2 hours of pushing, and IT'S A BOY! Welcome to the world my miracle, we prayed and prayed for you, and we can't believe you're here!
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  • martha919martha919 member
    Oh, @ReeceFamily‌ I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with PPs that you should either go or don't let him take her. You being worried about it is not crazy--he sounds unstable right now. I'm so glad that he's finally in counseling, though!
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  • brachysirabrachysira member
    I would probably go.  It obviously won't fix things, but perhaps if he's game for the trip, you can make it fun.  Get fancy coffees for the road, have McDonald's breakfast, buy salt water taffy, sing, stop at random silly attractions...bring music or books on tape if you can't have conversations.  Bring a novel or i-pad.  If you know this won't work and you can't bear to go (or you feel afraid), then keep your DD home too.
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  • Jessie333Jessie333 member
    I agree with all the pp's. Do not let him take her alone. Trust your gut.

    I'm so sorry you have to worry about this. Sending T&P's.
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  • ambmamaambmama member
    I would most likely just go. It lessens the fight and I would definitely not let him go alone.

    Hugs mama - sorry you are going through this!

    BFP #1: 05/2012 DS born 12/30/12

    BFP #2: 02/2014 Natural M/C 03/2014 @ 7 weeks

    BFP #3: 06/2014 EDD: 02/17/2015 M/C @ 7w2d, D&E 7/15/14


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  • JNegrilJNegril member
    I agree with PP and would probably just go and make the best of it. But definitely not let your H have DD alone. He isn't in a healthy state of mind right now and sounds to unstable with his emotions. Praying for you and that you have peace with the decision you make.
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  • ReeceFamilyReeceFamily member
    Ladies of J13  - Thank you as usual.  After a series of discussions with DH, MIL, and a marriage therapist (I called one today to make an appt and ended up talking to her for awhile), we have decided that DH will have a father/daughter trip, but that I am able to check in with them whenever/wherever to make sure that all is well, and they will FaceTime with me at night so that I can stay connected with DD.

    I'm not totally at peace with this decision, but it is what we negotiated.  I do know that DH loves DD and will do his best.  I have to trust that.  We start marriage counseling on Tuesday.
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  • jobiannjobiann member
    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I was going to say go with or not let her go. But it sounds like you have come to a decision together. I'm sure she will be just fine, keep busy and the weekend will fly by and she'll be home!

    So glad to hear you are both going to counseling on Tuesday. I really hope it can get you to a better place in your marriage or at least to a place of peace separately. (((hugs)))

    Henry Cavill...You're welcome!

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    BFP #3: EDD 1/10/13 **DS born 12/30/12!!!**
    BFP #2: MC 7/2/11 @ 12 weeks
    **Missing our February '12 LoveBug**
    BFP #1: MMC discovered on 12/6/10

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