Baby shower drama, HELP

msmeg26 · October 2014

We are having a shower in my hometown in a few weeks.

It's being held at my moms..

I lost my dad a year ago and have my stepmom still part of my life. However she and mom have never spoken let alone been in the same room.

My aunt was supposed to pull together some celebration for my dads side of the family to INCLUDE my stepmom.. but that hasn't happened..

So Stepmom is being left out of all 1st grandkid festivities..

What can I do for her that would be special to make her feel included?! I really hate that this is the way things are! We aren't even having a shower where we currently live, just due to the fact that no one is willing to throw one for us (including DH family that's FROM here)

Sorry to vent.. just thought welcoming my first kid into the world would be a bit different..

Any thoughts etc are helpful....

msmeg26 · October 2014

Yep big time.

The only time they were in the same room was my dads funeral last year... even then no eye contact, no speaking.. no acknowledgement.

Mom doesn't want stepmom around/ in her house.

swizz09 · October 2014

Speaking as someone who has a mil who doesn't like step mil, those two need to grow up. This isn't about them it's about you and the baby and if they can't see past that then neither of them should be included.

I was lucky my inlaws saw things this way, or else DH was prepared to have a convo at our wedding. They also have the choice to be in the waiting room when I deliver and I am not going to worry at all if they are both there. You have so many other things to worry about. Request that your step mom be invited, and talk to them both about their behavior.

ordinary1 · October 2014

Your mom is the host. She gets final say on who is invited. It sucks she won't/doesn't want to invite your step mom, but she doesn't have to. When you host events, you can invite your mom and step mom. Your only options are to accept the shower your mom is throwing you or politely decline.

ordinary1 · October 2014

Also no one is required to throw you a shower. Showers are gifts not rights.

If you want to do something special with your step mom you can go out for lunch just the two of you.

Unknown · October 2014

This content has been removed.

ahbEsq · October 2014

swizz09 said:
Speaking as someone who has a mil who doesn't like step mil, those two need to grow up. This isn't about them it's about you and the baby and if they can't see past that then neither of them should be included.

This. My MIL and step MIL don't get along but I force them to be together for family events bc I don't allow that kind of pettiness when it comes to celebrating my children. It might be a little late now since your mom is actually hosting the shower, but when for my wedding shower I got offers from my mom, MIL, and step MIL to host showers for me, I asked my mom to do just one shower and ask the other two to co-host so as to avoid drama of the MILs not inviting each other. For my baby showers it was similar, I was adamant that step MIL not be excluded. My children are her family too.

If your mom absolutely refuses to allow stepmom to come after you explain your feelings on the subject, try to do a special lunch with you and stepmom and maybe some other of your dad's family.

divinemsbee · October 2014

DaisyBlinks said:

You're mom is being bratty, but she is within her rights.

I don't understand how being left out of a shower=not being included in anything baby related. Did you call her up and tell her about the baby? Tell her the sex? Ask for her input on anything? There's lots of ways she can be included. Ultimately, if she reallllllly wants to be included in a shower, she's welcome to host one herself.

This might be a good opportunity to sit your mother down and let her know that while she's within her rights to not invite stepmom to the shower, you will be inviting her to all major evens in the baby's life and it would be a shame to not see both of them there.

All of the bolded. Your mom is hosting the shower, so the guest list is ultimately hers, but she's not going to be making the guest list for everything for the rest of baby's life. I think before the baby is born is an excellent time to have a conversation with her about how your SM is part of your life and a connection to your father that you want to keep around. And will be at other baby/child related things for a time to come. Mom can be petty now, but it's not like she's getting the last say on whether SM gets to be involved with the baby.

I also think that a nice lunch and maybe some shopping would be something you could do with your SM if you think she'd like that. I'm sure your SM is aware of your mother's feelings and will probably not be surprised to not be invited to a shower that your mom is throwing. Just get together with her outside of that.

msmeg26 · October 2014

Shower is just at my mom's house. A few of my friends are "hosts".

Yep I'm planning to do a nice lunch while I'm in town with stepmom, DH and myself.

Tried getting my aunt to pull together Dad's side of the family-- but that doesn't seem to of panned out either. *sigh*

Thanks guys!

poteetpartyof3 · October 2014

Lurking ....

I have four sets of grandparents and my mom's stepmom and mom did not like each other but my mother would not play into their pettiness. She would do just one birthday party or holiday dinner and it was their choice whether they wanted to be there for the grand kids.

Are you going to be having two birthday parties every year so they don't have to be around each other? If you set the precedent now that you won't put up with it than hopefully they will get the message. Now my grandmothers can be around each other no problem. They're not friends but they are at least civil.

AthenaNabi · October 2014

I would talk to your mom and ask her to set aside her personal feelings for the stepmom. She's going to need to understand that you'r stepmom is going to be a part of your child's life anyhow. She needs to be an adult and be the bigger person in the situation and do whats best for her daughter and grandchild.

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