Behavior/discipline/parenting style expectations

foxslaw · October 2014

I was raised very different than my DBF. Kids in his family are allowed to have caffeine, they are spanked, his family yells at each other and that's not the case in mine. We agree that in no manner whatsoever will our child be spanked, have caffeine, or be yelled (screamed) at in general. How early did you all start having those conversations with your families or in laws about disciple/parenting style/behavior expectations?

I just named a few examples off the top of my head, please share your stories!

foxslaw · October 2014

I mean, I'm talking about when they watch your kids for you.

CatLadyTX · October 2014

We go with the flow in our house. It's a little bit of a mix between my family's parenting style and his. We have made it clear to all of our parents that when they sit for our kids they are to abide by our standards.

mirigirl · October 2014

Dh and I have discussed this a lot. We were both raised pretty similarly, so there isn't too much of a disagreement. I feel though that I will end up being the disciplinarian. He is more lax, and I feel that as parents it is our duty to raise up a responsible, social functioning adult.

but overall, we agree haha

We will be authoritative parents.

foxslaw · October 2014

Yeah! Luckily K & I are on the same page about most things! It's just the way his mom raised him is so different than what WE want, that it makes me nervous to sit his family down & say "don't spank my kid", I'm almost afraid I'll get laughed at. Not sure how/when start that conversation.

Was there pushback from your parents when you asserted "your kid, your rules"? How did you start that conversation? @CatLadyTX‌

@mirigirl‌ he tends to be the more lax one too, but I think that's just because his parents were a bit more lax than mine! Although their method of discipline was more severe? Idk

Thanks for responding guys

crystalw88 · October 2014

Luckily, everyone is on the same page over here. I believe both our families are very, very similar in beliefs and lifestyles. Unfortunately I wasn't taught how to really say I'm sorry. I mean I was taught for circumstances such as pushing a kid or stealing their toy but not your deep emotional "I'm sorry." My DH has really worked with me so I'm glad we're together on that.

As far as preferences when it comes to our child (which includes everything), I plan to deal with it at that point. If I don't like the fact that grandma is shoving oreos down his throat an hour before dinner, I'll address that issue then.

Dani_Love · October 2014

I would talk about your parenting style now to anyone who is going to watch them. My IL's were raised much different than I was and I was worried about what would happen when they watched DD. They have been very respectful of our guidelines thankfully but we made it clear that spanking, cursing, soda, sweets, etc were not okay. I don't mind if they give her a cookie but ice cream for lunch (which happened with niece and nephew) is not, as an example. I actually just found out MIL is trying to make dd gluten free when she is watching dd. Sometimes you just have to laugh but the important stuff, lay down the law soon.

foxslaw · October 2014

Funny @crystalw88‌ I'm the one who always says sorry, and it's not in DBF's vocabulary. He thinks "I love you" is a good replacement for "sorry". Baby steps.

We are working on it too.

How did you make it clear to them that those things weren't okay with you? Case by case basis or was it a sit down conversation before your DD was born? @Dani_Love‌

lizzybean · October 2014

We have not had to deal with this because we are so far away. (one of the benefits!!) but I have had to let a lot of things go. I don't like Ella to have an excess of sugar and MIL seems to be obsessed with filling her full of apple juice with every meal. It is just so unnecessary!! And one night we were staying with them I saw her sneaking her candy corn. Really?!

Anyways, the discipline hasn't been an issue because she is very well behaved for other people. We also spend a lot of time around grandparents as a family, and they just model how we speak to her and treat her.

foxslaw · October 2014

Thanks for the advice everyone. I like hearing other people's experiences so keep them coming!

I'm just afraid they won't take me seriously because I'm 23 & it's my first baby. His whole family lives less than ten minutes away & my mom lives three hours away so June will be mostly spending time with his family. This is why I'm so concerned.

Bensmom13 · October 2014

My parents spanked me, but my mom and dad have always said that it's never the grandparents place to spank and they would NEVER touch ben or any future grandchildren.

My mom watches ben whenever we need a sitter and she's learned the way we like things done and tries her hardest to do things the way we'd want.

In terms of Candy, etc- I'm off the mindset that grandparents are there to spoil, so they often give him a small treat if they're watching him. Or just call me up and ask if they can take him to DQ and I have no problem with these things as its great for them to bond with him away from DH and I.

natsgirl12 · October 2014

Your kid, your rules. This goes for everything (discipline, schedule, food, etc). Anyone who can't follow that doesn't get to have unsupervised time with your kids.

MapleMomma · October 2014

I'm lucky in that the IL's as a whole share the same style of parenting and are very respectectful of each other. (extends to brother and sister in laws and their kids as well as grandparents). This is huge for us as we all live within a 10 mile radius and work together often (farmers, homeschooling, construction business, etc).

We have a very community minded parenting style, and I've scolded each one of my nieces or nephew at some point in time. Each time I've communicated what happened with the parents just so they knew. I expect them to do the same with our kids.

lilybug319 · October 2014

My mom was a spanker. It's just how she was raised and she thought that was effective. It was more like a beating than a spanking. I think now she has realized her mistakes and would never spank Lily simply for fear of my wrath. My parents are very scared of me as a mom and I'm not afraid to yell at them if they don't listen to me. I also threaten no visitation whatsoever if they don't take me seriously.

I would tell your bf's parents and family to observe your behaviors with June and mirror that. Definitely make them aware you and bf don't want any caffeine and no spanking or yelling. If they don't listen or take you seriously and cannot respect the way you two want to raise your daughter then you should let them know there will be consequences.

firelizard83 · October 2014

This us something I'm afraid of dealing with too. Both our families live far away, so not really going to be a huge /immediate issue, but I have seen my poor SIL and her hubs deal with my ILs . They set a rule, and then right in front of them, the ILs break it, and they let them get away with it! I'm all for grandparents spoiling kids, but within boundaries. If they want to do something outside our normal rules, ask and we can work something out. It's just a respect thing really. My mom is fortunately a professional nanny, so she is great at doing things however you want, but if she thinks you're crazy, she'll roll her eyes and do it anyway

Dani_Love · October 2014

foxslaw said:

Funny @crystalw88‌ I'm the one who always says sorry, and it's not in DBF's vocabulary. He thinks "I love you" is a good replacement for "sorry". Baby steps. We are working on it too. How did you make it clear to them that those things weren't okay with you? Case by case basis or was it a sit down conversation before your DD was born? @Dani_Love‌

If it came up in regular conversation I'd kind of butt myself in and say "when dd gets here we won't be spanking for any reason." We also did it case by case, for example dd is 6 months and we are at a restaurant and my mom goes to give her a rib bone for some crazy reason, "thank you for offering but dd cannot have that right now, she's too young." Same with drinks, now that she is older I'm okay with her having un-sweet tea occasionally, but nephew offered her coke and I had to intervene same as with my mom "thank you but she's too young for soda right now." That usually took care of it.

When it came time for MIL to babysit (she does it 2 days a week) we just sat down and told her what dd could and could not do. I told her at home this is how we discipline, this is what is okay in her diet, I will even buy you snacks to keep in your home for her, please never swear at her and try not to around her etc. It's a lot to take in at first but I've been lucky with her respecting my wishes.

CatLadyTX · October 2014

@foxslaw‌, we only see our parents occasionally because they live across the country. We made it petty clear though, that if they want to come visit our home (or if they want us to visit them), they have to stick to our standards. They are mostly compliant without argument, but we have to mind them of a few things from time to time.

jennjilljo · October 2014

We live pretty far from family but they follow our lead. They will not punish beyond what they've seen us punish and they know that we are on an escalating system. Step 1 is no and redirection, step 2 is saying no sternly (believe it or not, it works sometimes), step 3 is either losing the toy that causes the problem or timeout.

I think that having older kids on both sides of the family helps too. They already have to abide by the rules of my brother and BIL who are very similar to ours. Discipline didn't become a problem until DS was highly mobile and progressed with his age. From crawling and even into the walking stage we only used redirection and no. DS started walking at 9 months so he was still in the stage of not quite understanding things. After a year we incorporated stern voices and when he started disobeying stern voices is when we started incorporating losing toys or time out.

Maple403 · October 2014

This really isn't on our radar. Both sets of parents live 14-16 driving hours away and we don't anticipate having to discuss discipline with them for years, if at all. We aren't really involving either family on any decision making at all regarding my pregnancy or our plans for baby. Honestly, neither family has really been that engaged yet. It's the first grand baby on both sides, so we will have lots of family dramz when everyone wants to be here IMMEDIATELY after baby maple is born, but thankfully they live too far away to do much besides spoil our kid when they visit. Oh, and tell us we are doing everything wrong, but that's different.

If there were an issue about discipline/rules, we'd probably address big transgressions immediately and let go of minor ones. That's the approach we take in general when the parents overstep.

reneamac313 · October 2014

This is definitely a conversation I need to have with my family. DH and I were raised completely different and I feel like we will actually end up parenting similar to how his parents did. Unfortunately they live quite a few hours away so they won't be heavily involved with our child/ren. My family LOVE to fight and being a child doesn't spare you from that. It took me a long time to break away from that cycle and even now I have to be aware of myself when I'm frustrated, angry, etc... That is something I definitely don't want my daughter to be around. It's a hard subject to approach since not many want to take a close look at their negative actions. It's kind of sad but my DH and I have already discussed the fact that it will most likely be supervised visits with them and they won't be around our daughter on their own.

jennjilljo · October 2014

hikerlady said:

@Dani_Love (or anyone else) - your examples were really helpful. What you would do in any of those situations if the person said in front of DD "Oh, your mom is so strict/mean/won't let you have any fun" or something along those lines? That's the way my mom responds whenever my brother or SIL step in and say my niece can't have or do something.

My mom does this @hikerlady. It annoys the shit out of me! I often get down on DS's level and say "Mommy has rules for a reason and that reason is that I love you and want to take care of you the best way I can." After that I stand up and say "Other people should respect that since they did the same for their kids". My mom is not immune to passive aggressive mama bear anger.

Paleomama · October 2014

My parents just spoil Aidan. I feel grandparents treat their grandchildren different than they would their own children. They can just spoil them and send them back. I have had a few conversations but I just have them as they come up. When Aidan was a baby I had a schedule they had to follow. If grandparents could not follow my wishes then they could not watch him.

t8keepr03 · October 2014

Its situational with family here. When they watch DD I might have some rules for that particular day but usually it's whatever the grandparents want to do. They don't watch our DD often so we just let them spoil her and give her back. If something disciplinary would arrive we would discuss it at the time.

Dani_Love · October 2014

hikerlady said:
@Dani_Love (or anyone else) - your examples were really helpful. What you would do in any of those situations if the person said in front of DD "Oh, your mom is so strict/mean/won't let you have any fun" or something along those lines? That's the way my mom responds whenever my brother or SIL step in and say my niece can't have or do something.

Omg I would be livid. I would probably say something along the lines of "enforcing rules that dd knows and follows is not mean. Grandma just forgets the rules sometimes so maybe you can remind her too."

kdhuling · October 2014

As far as grandparents go we don't live close to either set of parents so I'm not too worried about that. I know my parents and stepmother are of the opinion grandchildren are meant to spoil and that's fine by me. I was spoiled by my grandparents when I did get the opportunity to spend time with them and honestly all I have are awesome memories. I want that for my kids...obviously I'll ask them to keep it within reason which I'm sure they will. I have no clue about DH's parents they are youngish and his mom has a daycare and watches her great nieces and nephews. I know she spanks them but I also know their parents are ok with it. I will probably ask that they don't spank my children. It's their first grandchild so I figured we would just play it by ear.

krysmill · October 2014

I feel my parent's know me so well that I know there will be no issues when it comes time for them to babysit! I know my patenting will be just like my mom and she was the disciplinarian. I'll admit she spanked us when we were old enough to understand why we were being spanked. It was never a beating it was just enough of to shock us. I've never been upset that she did and actually thank her that she did. But I'm not sure how DH mom will be.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

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smg2302 · October 2014

I think it's important to decide for yourselves what are negotiable rules and non-negotiable rules. For example, if spanking is something you feel adamantly about, make that explicitly clear from the beginning. That said, are there rules that grandma can break? For example, we don't give DD chocolate milk or very many sweets yet (she is 17 months). When MIL watches her, she sneaks her some sweets and I'm okay with that, because it's a treat when her Gammy comes to visit. I remember having special traditions and secrets with my grandparents that I think are kind of nice for DD to have as well.

I was 23 when I had DD, and I was also scared of not being taken seriously. Something about motherhood changes you. My non-confrontational style goes out the window if I think something is harming my kid. I think you really should consider what is idealistic (meaning if you achieve it 90%of the time, you're doing okay) and what is a permanent rule in your home.

kefttsc · October 2014

My parents are PERFECT. They are the only people I trust to keep my dogs, because they follow the exact directions I send. The thing is, they aren't physically capable of keeping two babies on their own for long. I'm talking like they can keep them when I go to the grocery store, but that's it.

DH's mom and stepdad are a different story. The stepdad won't be allowed to have any responsibility. He's 83 and is in poor physical condition. He falls too much (due to heart issues) to be trusted to care for babies. MIL is wonderful, but she will spoil the heck out of them and feed them things they aren't allowed to have. She isn't even allowed to keep the dogs because she would feed them from the table and I'd have to go APESHIT on her.

I once saw her giving SIL's grandson (3) an extra piece of cake after his grandmother said NO MORE. I caught her. I told her that she was in no uncertain terms to do that with my children, as they would then go home with me WIRED from sugar. Then, I jokingly made a deal - - "ya know, give them the cake, but then you have to keep them until the sugar wears off"

As far as discipline, DH and I both had very strict parents. We didn't get away with JACK. We were spanked appropriately, but also praised to high heavens. I think we will be a combination as well. I will probably get flamed, but I'm not opposed to spanking APPROPRIATELY. The methods in which I was spanked as a child would not be considered beating or hitting. I had extremely loving parents that disciplined me according to my "crime". All of that to say that I don't think it is the grandparents' place to spank my kids. If the babysitting spanked my kids, I'd probably flip out. DH and I are the only ones who get to decide if a spanking is appropriate.

Flame away.

foxslaw · October 2014

Thank you all for your advice & stories.

@kefttsc‌ in no way am I going to flame you for your personal choice on how to discipline your children (as long as it's not abuse, and we have already clarified that it wouldn't be).

kefttsc · October 2014

foxslaw said:

Thank you all for your advice & stories. @kefttsc‌ in no way am I going to flame you for your personal choice on how to discipline your children (as long as it's not abuse, and we have already clarified that it wouldn't be).

Thanks. I know that my old boss had two boys. He believes in spanking (maybe a little too much, in a sense that I think spanking became a minor thing in his house), but his first child did not ever get a spanking. Ever. All he had to do was give him a look of disappointment and he melted. The second child was spanked a handful of times.

I say that to express that I do NOT think that it is always appropriate to spank. Each child is different and responds to discipline differently.

Am I going to whack away at my kid in the middle of Walmart...no. LOL

jaztastic · October 2014

We'll the good thing is that DH and I were raised very similar, except his family curses at and around children, (mainly just the over use of the word ass, bad ass/little ass/disobedient ass etc). But discipline wise we are pretty much on the same page. I can't think of anyone in his family that would have the child long enough to have to discipline beyond a verbal warning, and perhaps a time out. However my mother definitely has an escalation process, and with her other grands a verbal instruction is usually enough to keep them in line.

Hernsy · October 2014

Thankfully, DH and I are on the same page about discipline. My parents we're not worried about their discipline style and we've seen the way his handle grandchildren since this baby will be their 8th. I have Celiac's disease which can be genetic, so we'll have to be careful about food for awhile until we can determine how food makes the baby feel and she can actually tell us how it makes her feel. Both of our direct families know how to work around my issues so this won't be a problem. However, things that I am worried about is I don't want her drinking juice all day even if it is watered down and I certainly don't want her to have coke. DH's mom drinks Coke constantly and gives it to some of the nieces and nephews. I will end up having to say something about not wanting her to have coke until she's older. Our other big issue will be my SILs. We don't agree AT ALL with his two older sister's parenting and total disregard for each other's rules. DH's twin is the only SIL that we would readily trust to do what we ask. The other two may be a challenge and we may have to have uncomfortable conversations about what she can eat, drink and how she's allowed to behave. One SIL's kids are allowed to do just about anything and run wild.

Alygohome · October 2014

We discussed this when we got engaged. I moved out at 17, has my first job at 14, paid for everything myself did everything for myself, my family yells ect Dh grew up extremely privileged, expensive sports, trips twice a year, new veh every year, he moved out when we met at 24. We agree his parents did him no favors (he didn't know how to do a simple chore or pay a bill) and mine left me too much on my own causing issues. So we are looking at a balance between the two.

maryxc1 · October 2014

DH and I generally agree on discipline. I am much more strict on food than he is, but since I am in charge of feeding everybody most of the time, he generally lets me make the rules about that. He will occasionally give DS something I don't approve of, but it's not bad.

When anybody watches DS, I leave a long list of instructions. Everybody accepts this because they all know I am type A. As part of these instructions, the food section says that he only gets milk or water, no highly processed foods, etc. There is also a section on discipline that outlines how we handle that. As far as I know, the instructions are generally followed.

Koukonei · October 2014

My husband and I discussed discipline and parenting styles before we were even engaged. We're pretty much on the same page, especially about the bigger issues. I am an early childhood educator so my family pretty much respects the fact that I know what I am talking about in regards to discipline and what we find acceptable. They know if they don't respect us that they won't be having unsupervised visits. I do know he'll get treats and stuff from his grandparents, but as long as it's not all the time and it's age appropriate, I don't have a problem with it.

AngieAn · October 2014

This is still an ongoing issue in our house. My DH didn't have any rules, or grounding when growing up, they mostly did what they wanted to. I, on the other hand believe in discipline ( and when I say that, i mean time outs, going to room, writing out an essay on why they think they should not have done something, ect… not spanking) He just likes to say, "ok now, don't do that". It boggles my mind some days.

His mother was a big problem. We always said that in other peoples houses they will follow their rules. But spanking our children was never to be done by anyone, and I never thought i had to explain that one, I figured that was common knowledge.

My MIL likes to let them run wild, and half the time didn't even supervise them. She would give them junk, not make them eat dinner, not make them sit at the table when they were eating. It was just like a free for all. But I left it alone cause i didn't want to cause any problems. When we were there with them though they had to do what me and DH said, and not what they wanted to do. The worst is when I would tell them to stop doing something,or that they couldn't have something, my MIL would ( in front of them) say, its okay they aren't hurting anyone. I hated how she would do that. My FIL is great, and would always tell her to stop that, and it wasn't her place to say anything.

My DH's problem is that he doesn't want to be the "bad" one, and thats why he refrains form punishing. My girls are older now, and I'm proud of how they act out in society, like the world doesn't owe them anything, and how they are respectful to everyone. My DH always thought that I should be their friend, and i would always tell him, I have friends, and they have friends, what they need is a mother who is friendly.

My DH's mother will never change, and I will always hate how she does things,especially seeing as I will have to go through this again with her. Patience and acceptance are the keys to me not wanting to pull my hair out.

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