s/o hitting

brachysira · October 2014

My DD does not hit when frustrated. She hits...for attention? Somehow things went very wrong in the discipline department. When she was very, very young, she would pull the cat's tail, and I would grab her to protect the cat and tell her that he didn't like that. Apparently in her mind, this was interpreted as "I get a lot of attention for this" or something, because she still will grab his tail and has escalated to this kind of faux petting that is really hitting. When you tell her to stop, she does this horrible naughty laugh and continues, running away if you try to grab her and returning to the assault as soon as she is allowed.

She also tries to grab everyone's glasses, bends then when she gets them, and does the laughing thing. She now has a 1 month old brother, and sometimes she can pat him nicely, but often it's hitting, and mostly I have to keep them completely separated for his safety. I took her to music class today, and instead of participating, she realized she could stand behind me so that I couldn't see her and pull my ponytail. She started the awful laughing and it was very disruptive to the class since it was louder than the singing. She also had about 5 tantrums over class materials, ran out of the baby gate that secured the room whenever anyone opened it, took materials from the other kids, screamed and had to be carried out when it was time to go, and spent a lot of time trying to get into the class registration materials, etc. I'm sure we ruined the class and I'm not sure if we should even go back, although we have paid for 10 weeks. I need to curb this now, and need strategies for at home and in classes. Help?

mylittleladies1229 · October 2014

Was it her first time in a music class or some type or organized setting? Is the 1 month old with you during class? If yes, can the teacher help you out and use her as the class model or can someone come with you to help? I'm sure you tried redirecting her towards what she was supposed to do, but that could be a strategy.

Try talking to her before you go to class about what your expectations for her are and tell her that if she cannot follow the rules she will need a time out during class. Take her outside the baby gate when she isn't following directions. She might throw a fit but after a few times she will realize it's more fun to be in music class than outside of it. I've been in the same situation with my twins. I have a clingy twin and one who takes advantage of that fact and loves to break all my rules. I will do a time out a time or two and then I will leave the class or situation. It sucks but when you are consistent with a rule they will start to follow or miss out on fun things.

bennikki · October 2014

I think you need to establish a protocol for handling this in every situation regardless of your location, so your child knows what to expect. I agree with pp that a time out/break may be necessary when she's getting wound up with this bad behavior and laughing. If your child won't sit by herself, then sit with her on your lap and count for 60 seconds.

As far as the music class goes, it's asking a lot of a 20 month old to sit in a circle for an entire class. I know in DS's early childhood class they start and end with circle time, and some days he sits with me, sings the songs, follows the book during story time, and other times he's more interested in fire truck on the shelf behind us. The teachers of his class ensure us that it's totally normal for kids his age to sometimes click with circle time and others times roam around the room the whole time. If he does this, I'll ask him to come sit with me, but if he still seems intent on paying attention to something else (as long as it's something safe/non-distracting) then I just let him do his thing. Trying to force him to sit and do circle time would result in a tantrum.

DS is also pretty mad when we leave class as well, so I think that's totally normal. It's not easy, it's annoying, and embarrassing, but it happens with toddlers. Hang in there. Stuff will click soon enough.

brachysira · October 2014

It was our first time doing music with this teacher at this location. We did the same class in the spring at another location with a different teacher, and she was usually very well behaved. This, of course, was before the new baby and before her very bad behavior had really taken off. The class is very light--45 minutes where the teacher sings and she goes through about 5 musical items (e.g. egg shakers) that she hands out and the kids play with and can shake along to the music or put on their head, etc. as directed. The teacher says they do not have to stay in the circle, but everyone else generally did. I didn't make M sit, but I did not want her to a) take the registration pens and draw all over; b) yank instruments other children were using out of their hands; c) assault me; d) run out of the room; e) scream/laugh naughtily over the music. The teacher did try to involve her and encourage her, and I left my 1 month old with my parents, although I hope to bring him in the future.

At library storytime, we do leave if she gets wild, which has been every time recently. We do not generally leave and come back in because we would have to do that 15 times and that would be disruptive. In music class, the teacher is young and is very much, "your child can do whatever to experience the music, it's all fine" and it's a small enough class that she can say directly, "it's okay, your child doesn't have to sit" to me. However, she is not aware enough of M's behavior to know that I am making M sit because the last 2 minutes she was standing behind me, pulling my hair and laughing loudly when I would turn around (rather than laughing with joy at the music) so it leads to a kind of weird dynamic where I come off as insanely disciplinary if I carry her out, yet at the same time I'm sure most of the parents find us unpleasantly distracting.

I do need a time out strategy or something to use at home and perhaps out also. She will not sit still by herself, but holding her also does not seem like it would work. I am not small but she is a big kid and it would be a literal physical fight for the whole 60 seconds. I would be bruised and scratched and she would probably hurt herself unintentionally too. I know this because acts this way if I want her to sit on my lap for 60 seconds in benign situations, like to put on her shoes or have a brief conversation with someone. She obviously does not enjoy being restrained, but I'm fairly certain she would not be focusing on a prior transgression such as cat tail pulling and feel apologetic after this battle, but would probably feel a rush from succeeding in being set free and either have no thoughts of her actions or still be focused on getting the cat when released...

She has always been energetic. When she was 12 months, at library babytime other children either looked glazed or were just sort of wandering around, but my child would participate in all the songs, do the actions, clap her hands, and say "yay" when each song was done. People would comment all the time on how verbal she was and how much she really loved babytime. I sort of wonder she needs an evaluation...she is so good at focusing when she wants but acts 100x worse than any other kid when she is not behaving...

bennikki · October 2014

I totally glazed over the new sibling stuff, sorry, but this sounds very much like acting out for attention. I remember my niece (who's 2 years older than her sister) act this way when the new baby came. I think it's a mixture of being a toddler and no longer having all mom and dad's attention. If you're concerned that her behavior is venturing into the out of control, I think speaking with her Dr. would be the best place to start.

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