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How do I get out of this?

lorist202lorist202 member
edited October 2014 in Working Moms
I HAD a friend, for whom I would do anything for. Our friendship has been withering away since she was promoted, and I had DD on same day. She blew me off the entire time I was out. Upon my return, I was under the impression that we would still be friends but it appears that she prefers people around her who provide her with one way friendships that she need not invest in. She is now pregnant, and she asked me to take maternity photos for her, as photography is my hobby. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but since two weeks ago when I agreed, she hasn't even spoken to me. My feelings are hurt but I'll get over it I guess.

Meanwhile, I have zero interest in doing this favor for her at this point. What should I say if she tries to set a date to take the photos?
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Re: How do I get out of this?

  • Virgo17Virgo17 member
    I guess I would wait for her to bring it up, maybe she won't.  If she does, you could be unavailable for the suggested dates...but since you already committed I don't know how you could back out of it gracefully.
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  • lorist202lorist202 member
    SandAndsSea said:

    First, I think you guys need to talk.  There seems to be a lot of assumptions in this that may or may not be the full story.  Be clear on how you feel and why you have those feelings, are you at all jealous of her promotion or her having new friends?  Go to lunch together one day and talk it out.  She may not realize that she hurt you and she may have been hurt too by something you may not even know about.  


    Then, if you don't want to take the pics, just say you're busy and won't be able to do it.  But, I'd be upfront, and kind, about it.
    Not only am I NOT jealous, I encouraged her to apply, despite the fact she was TTC. I was also the one to hold her hand (figuratively) when she was first promoted and started to show. The other coworkers are people we have always gotten along with together, and it occurs to me that part I may have misjudged that aspect. However, I'm just hurt that she has not spoken/ texted/ im'ed me or even stopped by my desk to say good morning in weeks, despite my reaching out to her in those ways. She's busy. I get it. But I'm busy also. Too busy to photograph her. I'm over it. Thanks for your responses. :-)
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  • minirellaminirella member
    I wouldn't bring it up and would do as a PP suggested and say you aren't available.
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  • nattyncbridenattyncbride member
    I would do as PPs suggested and talk to her, see what she has to say.  However, I guess my opinion is unpopular, but if you said you would take pics, I think you need to honor that.  Since it's a total favor, you can make it short and sweet, maybe 30 of your time, and be done.  If she wanted a more extensive shoot, she can hire a photographer to augment what you have done for her.

    I'm not saying you should want to do it, or enjoy it, but I do think you can still keep your promise and invest as little as possible.  I feel for you - good luck!
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  • Virgo17Virgo17 member
    lorist202 said:
    First, I think you guys need to talk.  There seems to be a lot of assumptions in this that may or may not be the full story.  Be clear on how you feel and why you have those feelings, are you at all jealous of her promotion or her having new friends?  Go to lunch together one day and talk it out.  She may not realize that she hurt you and she may have been hurt too by something you may not even know about.  

    Then, if you don't want to take the pics, just say you're busy and won't be able to do it.  But, I'd be upfront, and kind, about it.
    Not only am I NOT jealous, I encouraged her to apply, despite the fact she was TTC. I was also the one to hold her hand (figuratively) when she was first promoted and started to show. The other coworkers are people we have always gotten along with together, and it occurs to me that part I may have misjudged that aspect. However, I'm just hurt that she has not spoken/ texted/ im'ed me or even stopped by my desk to say good morning in weeks, despite my reaching out to her in those ways. She's busy. I get it. But I'm busy also. Too busy to photograph her. I'm over it. Thanks for your responses. :-)
    Do you think she may be feeling this same way?  Maybe she thinks you don't stop by to say hi to her.  I'm not trying to place the blame on you, I'm just trying to see how she may be feeling from the other side.  I think if you both feel the tension of unresolved issues, it may be worth a conversation.  However, if you are over the friendship entirely, then I stick to my answer above :)   
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  • lorist202lorist202 member
    I actually agree with ClaryPax that talking to her may do more harm then good. My baby arrived and I heard nothing from her, despite eagerness to be my first visitor. I reached out for 3 mos and.... Nothing, until she needed me for her own support. Now that I'm back, its possible that I'll be promoted to the team that she's on once I'm back to full time, which won't be until spring. Yes I did visit her every morning to say good morn, IM her, and even eat lunch with her most days in the beginning, but was tired of being invisible in her presence. She's one of those people who rarely take responsibility for their own faults, but its fine. I'm over it. If I have to take her pics, so be it. I'll try first to say that I can't get child care or I'm busy, etc.
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  • kikimeemeekikimeemee member
    edited October 2014
    Some people are poor at bringing friends into the next stage of their lives. I'm think this for the woman you describe. My sister is one of these people. For example, she is only friends with people in her direct circle but as soon as someone moves slightly too far away or switches jobs she seems to act like that person doesn't exist anymore.

    I don't know that she's aware of this as I'll ask her how her former close friend is and she'll say, "oh I don't know. She works at a different school now" as if the friendship can't be continued just bc the location has changed. She never thinks to keep the friendship going or something.

    I would just take the photos for this person without going to extra mile. It's disappointing when friendships change. My stance would be to let it slowly go. Some friendships are seasonal, unfortunately.
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  • GillianB32GillianB32 member
    Last week I read an article "22 things i want my daughters to know in 22 years" and I really like #6 - Don’t waste time being friends with people who aren’t nice people. Forget about that lady and enjoy your life! 
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  • kristenndkristennd member
    You didn't go into detail on the extent of your agreement with the photos but I'm not sure you're actually committed. Backing out would probably be less awkward than if you take them and she finds reasons to be disatisffied, which sounds like a significant risk.
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  • skibunny59skibunny59 member
    You are just like me.  I am notorious for making commitments like this and then asking myself "Why did I agree to this?"  I have such a problem saying no to people.  Anyway, I would hope she wouldn't ask you.  If she does, I would just take the pics without going the extra mile like a previous poster said.  Did you discuss payment with her at the time that you agreed to this?  I would definitely charge her if she's not a close friend of yours.  You are taking your time.  And I also wouldn't talk to her about the friendship.  Just let it go.
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  • eyenigheyenigh member
    Taking/processing photos is a major commitment for someone who doesn't treat you the way that you want a friend to treat you and, like PP said, if she's not satisfied, you're setting yourself up for misery. Honestly, if you considered her a great friend and she didn't even acknowledge you during a major life event like having a baby, I'd move on. This relationship sounds like too much work on your part and I think you'll just continue to be disappointed. I've learned over the years that you shouldn't have to chase friendships.
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  • rubber_chickenrubber_chicken member
    Were you guys friends before you started working together? 

    Because I think it's a mistake to think that work friends are "real" friends.  What I mean by that is, once you're no longer in the trenches together (ie her promotion), that connection that made you so close is severed.

    I've stayed in touch with people from every job I've ever had, through state moves and all, but I'm no where near as close as I was with them now as I was then.  It's just part of the territory. 
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