Responses to "Is this your first"?

Aab1042 · October 2014

The one thing I noticed during my first pregnancy with our son Cameron was that everyone would ask "Is this your first?" It was easy to say o yes!! I'm so nervous!! Its a boy, this is our first But then Cam's heart stopped beating, I delivered him, and we said hello and good bye to our 'first' at 25 weeks.

Now I am on my fourth pregnancy, after 2 miscarriages, and being only 8w3d along I've only told close family. But I've already been in the awkward position at the dentist, I told them I was pregnant and I immediately got the 'is this your first" followed by the exuberant doctor trying to be funny asking is this your first, 5th, 17th?!? If he only knew! I stumbled through my responses and got through it of course.

So I wonder what happens when I'm really showing and people ask 'is this your first'? I want to honor Cam's memory, he was our 'first' baby that we met and held (and hello was so cute). But the result of being honest is making others feel uncomfortable and getting the pity response when it should be a happy response. So just wondering how others have handled this, I'm not afraid to say this is not my first and I always stand up for Cam and keep his memory alive but honestly I'm just sick of the 'oooo I'm so sorry', I don't want to turn this pregnancy into a pity party ... thoughts??

jess123456 · October 2014

Hugs. This is a really hard question and unfortunately one that I think many of us have dealt with. I am now comfortable saying something like "This will be our first child at home" etc. to strangers and to medical professionals such as nurses who don't even bother to look at my chart I will be honest and more direct.

Everytime someone asks me I choke up and I can't seem to get past that even at 35 weeks. I assume it will also be a question asked once my son is born.

Aab1042 · October 2014

Agreed, it seems like a question that will never end. But I like the this will be the first child at home, for people you don't really want to go into detail with like strangers etc. Its frustrating when nurses and/or docs don't bother to look at your history, sometimes they'll give off the 'congratulations!!!!" and I'm kind of like sloooow down

Mel&John2013 · October 2014

I say it's my second. That does sometimes lead to the question of how old my first is, and I say how old he'd be and that we lost him. It sometimes makes people uncomfortable, but I don't consider that my problem. More often people are incredibly nice, and I've been shocked at how many people, even strangers, open up about their own painful losses once the subject is open.

I thought a lot about it and finally netted out with this...if something happened to me and I were no longer here, what would I want my mother to say when people ask how many children she has?

beemaya83 · October 2014

I hadn't thought about this, so thank you for posting. We lost our first so early on that we only told close family. When we do announce this pregnancy, I would most likely respond...yes, it's our first. I want to avoid having to explain to everyone about our first loss.

JuddandJessica · October 2014

Depends on my mood, the situation and who i'm talking to. My answers vary from "this will be our first baby we take home" "This is my 4th pregnancy" "Yes but he has two siblings in heaven". I think when you substitute "pregnancy" for "baby" many people get the hint.

erinel · October 2014

I also say, no, this is our second. If they push further, then I will say that we have another son, and if they ask his age or push even more, then I will say that he passed away at 5 weeks. It can be a little uncomfortable, but I would personally feel worse denying his existence, so if it makes them feel weird, oh well.

asglover514 · October 2014

Like PP have said I usually go with just saying 3rd pregnancy and if they ask about more details I tell them we miscarried the first, our second was stillborn, an hopefully this one is our take home. Of course I get the pity response but I've just started ignoring it or leading the conversation in a positive direction. I also get some pretty weird looks when I tell people I'm on my 3rd, usually judgmental looks followed by "how old are you?" 21 "how long have you and your bf been together?' 3.5 years, then the ever so lovely "were they all with him?" Yes *mental throat punch*

Aab1042 · October 2014

asglover514 said:

Like PP have said I usually go with just saying 3rd pregnancy and if they ask about more details I tell them we miscarried the first, our second was stillborn, an hopefully this one is our take home. Of course I get the pity response but I've just started ignoring it or leading the conversation in a positive direction. I also get some pretty weird looks when I tell people I'm on my 3rd, usually judgmental looks followed by "how old are you?" 21 "how long have you and your bf been together?' 3.5 years, then the ever so lovely "were they all with him?" Yes *mental throat punch*

Ugh that makes another point, why are people so nosey and think they can ask such personal questions!? It's like when people comment on belly size, I had one girl say 'I feel like your too big for how far along you are" This was on my first pregnancy, but anything from your too big to your too small...how about I'm growing a human?! Nosey strangers out there!!

asglover514 · October 2014

@Aab1042 people love to be nosey, and it seems to get worse when it's pregnancy/baby related. I've had people fuss about my size as well, mostly "you're so small" "you're not gaining enough" how do you know what I'm gaining? I know my body better than anyone. I actually had a friend where everyone told her it was twins because she started showing early and got pretty big, but seriously people there's a growing human in there he/she needs space. Sometime I just have to smile and walk away.

BackstreetPixie · October 2014

I had that experience at the dentist for the first time today. I just told her (they hygienist) "It is my second pregnancy but I lost the first one. I hope I get to take this one home." with a goofy grin. She said "oh, okay. Well I hope you get to hold this one." So I guess that went well?

nohalo21 · October 2014

I love the idea of saying "take home baby". My situation is slightly different having already have a living child, and losing our second. I am more annoyed by friends and family forgetting that I do have a second daughter. I usually don't go into details with a stranger just to avoid that awkwardness. I did have student question the wings on my Pandora bracelet. I simply told him it was for my little angel who watches me everyday.

Denise91980 · October 2014

jcar2 said:
It depends who I'm talking to. When at work dealing with clients, I just say it's our second (I have a living child at home). If it's someone I'm more comfortable with, I'll explain that this is really our third, but hopefully second living child.

Pretty much this. It really depends on how well I know the person or how much I want them to know. I am pretty open with those I know well about my losses.

Ravenclaw314 · October 2014

I usually pause and say, "technically" this is our second, but we have two angel babies. Then I thank them for their condolences and move on.

Aab1042 · October 2014

Thanks for all the advice! I feel like I'm somewhat better prepared to handle the questions. One good thing that comes out of it, and I think someone previously mentioned it, is when you talk about a baby who has passed it causes the other person to open up - I've heard so many stories from others, that I would never had known if I wasn't open myself.

nightowl1989 · October 2014

I can't say how many times I've gotten this, especially once it became obvious. Like PP have said, it's a hard question no matter how you look at it. A lot of times I just say yes and as upsetting as it is on the inside, I know it saves me from having to explain. It's one thing if it's something that crops up in a conversation with someone I've known for a little while, but I'm not one to tell strangers my life story.

The worst was when my OB nurse asked at my first or second appointment how old my first was. DH said the blood drained from my face and I very robotically said "I don't have another baby." It was just a shock to the system because they had it in their records. She just spaced and forgot for a second.

Want a personalized experience?

Responses to "Is this your first"?

Re: Responses to "Is this your first"?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

Responses to "Is this your first"?

Re: Responses to &quot;Is this your first&quot;?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: Responses to "Is this your first"?