Okay, I'm starting to lose it just a little!

Ronni1123 · October 2014

my DH is the biggest slob in the world. He comes home from work, leaves his clothes and shoes everywhere, doesn't fold laundry if he washes it, leave small pieces of uneaten food in the floor if he drops it, leaves the cabinets open, doesn't flush the toilet hardly ever, leaves toothpicks on the floor for me to pick up, leaves the laundry fuzz in the floor next to his load that he washes of only his work clothes, leaves his beard hair in te sink, etc etc.
I'm growing very tired of it. He makes more money than I do and argues that this is his apartment. But he expect me to keep it clean? To make dinner every night? My body hurts, I have morning sickness. I'm tired of being treated like a maid.
So I tell him these things today and he said, "You're never going to talk to me like that again."
I didn't say anything disrespectful. I don't know what to do.

Anyone else in my shoes?

jobotrobot · October 2014

When Mr. JMV and I moved in together, he complained about the amount of hair that I left everywhere. Then I cut it short and started the prenatals and it hardly falls out now but I find his hair everywhere.

The only thing that bugs is that he leaves we towels bunched up on the bed or the bathroom counter and doesn't wash dishes. I'm sorry your DH is being a slobbo. Can you tell him that you aren't feeling good and his assistance is needed?

jk3610 · October 2014

Ew, tell him to act like a human being and pick his shit up. That being said, our approach is: Since DH works more and is gone longer, I do most of the cleaning. To us, that's fair. (Plus, I like how I do things. lol) But, the expectation set out for DH is that, if he has a dirty dish he better put that shit in the sink, and if he shaves, he rinses the sink out. Because even though you're home more (I assume from the OP), you're right: you aren't his maid. Hope things look up.

amystan · October 2014

His response seems pretty machoistic and nasty. Gross. Tell him that since you are growing his baby in your body HE doesn't talk to YOU like that and HE is going to pick up after himself. My DH is a slob lately too and today I texted him a chores list and signed it "I'm going to have a child to clean up after soon enough, be a man please." I came home and the chores were done. Ugh, men!

Smash1215 · October 2014

I think your DH sounds like an asshole. You need to stand up for yourself. Maybe stop cleaning any of his shit? Tell him to hire a maid if he wants it clean.

Does he expect you to clean up after him or does he just not care if things are dirty?

Also, you're married...joint property and all that so fuck it bring "his" apartment.

Ginja85 · October 2014

Normally I wouldn't mention this to a woman I do not personally know but, given his type of response. Please look into the warning signs of financial domestic abuse. You had a simple conversation about cleaning up after yourself and he flipped, he states because he makes more its "his apartment", this is not normal or healthy behavior in a relationship.

Unknown · October 2014

This content has been removed.

jk3610 · October 2014

Ginja85 said:

Normally I wouldn't mention this to a woman I do not personally know but, given his type of response. Please look into the warning signs of financial domestic abuse. You had a simple conversation about cleaning up after yourself and he flipped, he states because he makes more its "his apartment", this is not normal or healthy behavior in a relationship.

Yeah, I'm not trying to dramatic or stir the pot in any way, but the "You're never going to talk to me like that again" comment is a little troublesome. Just take care.

kariemomo · October 2014

Oh my. My DH is kinda messy but wow. He leaves his clothes everywhere! His boots in the hallway. Puts his clothes on the floor in front of the hamper. Come on babe! Though I've been slacking on cleaning as well, haven't done dishes in a few days. But our bathroom can get crazy. Make up, his hair in the sink from shaving, the massive mane I have that is always shedding, it's both of who make the bathroom messy.

I've had to tell him I need help a few times and sometimes he just sits there. If your married it shouldn't be his apartment, it's your place together.

Flowerstar1023 · October 2014

If you all are married (Which I think you are with the DH tag), how in the world is it just his apartment?

I would be irate by that response. It's disrespectful of you and shows no regard for your feelings.

Quit making dinner and quit cleaning up. And, if it's his apartment, perhaps you have another place you can go hang out while he grows up?

autumnrose26 · October 2014

This issue needs to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later because the resentment and hurt you feel will only continue to grow if he keeps treating you that way. My husband works and I take care of our home, but when I need help he picks up the slack and he would never talk to me that way. Having been in a 5 year long abusive relationship when I was younger where my boyfriend expected me to clean his apartment and do his laundry when I didn't even live there, I can tell you you need to stand up for yourself and draw the line. He needs to stop being such a slob and maintain a higher standard of hygiene, even if you do most of the housework since you're home more. The environment he's insisting on maintaining sounds like a very unclean and difficult place to raise a baby, which is enough work as it is without having to take care of an adult infant too. Best wishes to you and I hope you can come to a respectful and healthy solution together

Ronni1123 · October 2014

We just moved across the country together. And my family is across the country. He has always thrown financial situations in my face.

I told him that I did not disrespect him in any way and that he just didn't like that I spoke my mind. I said if he wanted respect then give respect. I told him I take care of him because I love him and to not abuse that.
He told me I was being verbally abusive. I have been verbally and physically abused... So no. I'm not. I've been there.

I need to be smart about this baby. I know I can't raise it alone. And if I keep "speaking my mind", I will be.

I love him very much. I just want this solved. He has problems. I'm afraid I didn't see that he is slightly sexist. He doesn't even realize it.

Aside from leaving him, how can I gently remedy this?
This is my first baby, I'm 22 years old and I have no where toooo bout here. I'd be screwed if he kicked me out.
The apartment is in OUR names by the way.

jk3610 · October 2014

The thing to keep in mind is:

A) If it's in both your names, I don't think he can kick you out. And if he did, I'd call a lawyer

Yes, the thought of being on your own with a baby and being so young can be scary, but wouldn't it be scarier to live with a baby in a filthy apartment with an a-hole (pardon me for the judgement) like that? Babies need healthy environments and, if this isn't it, you need to leave.

myeumyeu · October 2014

Unfortunately, people don't really change much. You can't expect more than small improvements, what you are asking for is an overhaul.

I suggest proposing you have a cleaning person come once a week. It's only going to get harder, its a real problem and you deserve a solution.

donnamartingraduates93 · October 2014

Sweet Baby Jesus. Between this and some of the responses in the "shit my husband says" thread I feel like I've hit the husband lottery

mrstambourinegirl · October 2014

somerandomchick said:

You're not allowed to talk to him about his behavior and how it affects you? HUGE red flag. "Clean up after yourself you fucking asshole! I'm not your fucking maid!" = 'don't ever talk to me like that' is justified, because name-calling and swearing at your partner is awful. But short of that, you're allowed to express your feelings and frustration! And it's understandable if you don't say it the 100% perfect nicest way (SERIOUSLY THIS IS MAKING ME INSANE is less ideal than 'I can't keep up with cleaning up the house and I don't feel like you make an effort. I need you to be in charge of doing the dishes, can you do that?' But it's not over the line) Also 1. If it's HIS apartment then shouldn't HE be the one cleaning it up? 2. If it's HIS apartment maybe you should live elsewhere 3. It DOES NOT FUCKING MATTER who makes more money. A partnership is about both putting in equal WORK, not contributing equally. If you're both working 40 hours a week, it doesn't matter who makes more, the housework should be shared equally. If his job requires 60 hrs/wk then it makes sense for you to do more of the housework but not necessarily ALL house & child care. I would advise getting far away from this dude.

this!!

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I do hope he changes for the sake of the relationship and the baby.

lindsayanne14 · October 2014

OP, there is no way to "gently" resolve a situation like this. Frankly, this is a big deal. As pp have suggested you should ask your DH to go to counseling, if he refuses then go alone. While this situation is bad and I'm sure you're scared to go at it alone with a baby, that baby is exactly who you need to be thinking about. Your child will watch the interactions between you and it's father and those interactions will have major, life long effects on them. It is your responsibility as a parent to provide your child with a safe, healthy and loving home and what you've described is a far cry from that. Good luck to you, just remember, you are stronger than you even know!

HZ2012 · October 2014

My DH is a slob too - bad. But he would never speak to me that way (or he wouldn't be my DH anymore.)

It's HIS apt?? Really?? No - it's both of your home. Does that mean that this is YOUR baby since you're carrying it?

He needs to learn how to communicate - he sounds a little too Archie Bunkerish for 2014. He should be helping you more than ever right now, and, beyond willing to do so.

Sorry you have to deal with bs like this...hopefully he wakes up soon.

epidemic · October 2014

Just wanted to check in with you OP. I'm sorry you are going through this, but the ladies here have hit the mark with their posts and advice. I hope you are able to get help, and we are here for you (as much as we can be).

SuperFudge00 · October 2014

I'm not mad about the slobbishness because this is nothing new, maybe just more irritating to you now. But you are both adults and you both have the ability to speak your minds! I wholeheartedly agree with @scoutfinch13‌, run to a counselor. This sounds like a setup for disaster in the long run if you two don't get in front of it, yesterday!!

Mushibamboo · October 2014

Ronni1123 said:
I need to be smart about this baby. I know I can't raise it alone. And if I keep "speaking my mind", I will be.

Being smart about your baby is raising it in a situation where the relationship modeled for him/her is one of mutual respect and love. If you can't speak your mind in this relationship, that's a problem. You need to be able to be your whole self to be happy. So put your foot down now about how you want to be treated. If you let him force you into submission, then that is who you will be, and no one can live like that.

Six years ago I left my ex while pregnant with my daughter because I realized that the behavior I tolerated from him (because of my self esteem issues) I would never be able to tolerate when it came to my baby. It worked out for me and my daughter. Please don't think you "can't" do things on your own. We are moms. We can and will move mountains for our babies. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for ... and so much stronger than he realizes.

ally3242 · October 2014

There are some red flags in your post OP. I would never allow someone to speak to me that way. If this is something that happens frequently...id look into counseling. Bringing a baby into the mix is only going to make shit hit the fan even more.

abc829 · October 2014

I think you are in a situation of financial abuse. Where your SO makes more money so he uses that as a way of controlling you along with verbal abuse. As a child from a home like this please get help and or leave. Your child will see this behavior and think it's ok to be treated this way or treat their future SO this way. I luckily married someone the exact opposite of my dad but I also had a lot of outside support as a child. Please get help if not for you atleast for your LO.

topaz7777 · October 2014

My ex husband was exactly this... and it didn't end well at all, so I really am sorry you are going through this.

Here are my two cents... When the baby actually comes out you will probably be handling almost all of the childcare. As well as all of the household chores. Which is practically impossible when they are that small. So, if there are any of those things that he might be willing to handle for you, now is the time to try to balance out some of that work because it will not get easier. Having an infant in the house makes this kind of situation much much worse.

miahbelle · October 2014

I was raised in a home where my father was overly demanding, had a lord-of-the-manner attitude, and was verbally abusive on a regular bases (he was also somewhat physically abusive, but he was disabled and didn't try that as often). He would say things like "this is MY house so you have to do as I say" or "if you don't like it, get out" or "don't you ever speak to me like that again" to my mother as well as us. Going so far as to tell her to shut up and go to her room. Trust me, sexism and abuse (both physical and verbal) start the way you are saying your husband is behaving. You are kidding yourself if you think this isn't highly disturbing. I suggest you go to counseling immediately.

Want a personalized experience?

Okay, I'm starting to lose it just a little!

Re: Okay, I'm starting to lose it just a little!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards