How would you handle this??

WLJ2 · October 2014

In your opinions how would you handle this. My son is 3 almost 4. He has been asking about playing soccer for a while now. To the point where the conversation comes up several times a week now. We have to drive by the soccer fields to get home which is probably why the conversation comes up frequently. The only way he could play is if we signed him up for a league that plays every Sunday.

My ex has him every other weekend and has refused to bring him to soccer games. (30 min drive) and has refused to let me get him early on Sundays so he could play. He also went as far as to tell our sin that if he played soccer he wouldn't get to see him any more.

The way i see it i have two options. I either sign him up knowing he will miss half the genes or he doesn't play. The ex doesn't feel any extras such as swimming, gymnastics, soccer ect. are needed at his age. Says he can play when he's older. I guess I'm just frustrsted. Would you sign him up knowing he would only be there half the time.

Thanks

acbarbour · October 2014

I suggest speaking to the coach to see if missing half the games is possible. Also let you LO practice with them, he may not like it once he starts playing. If it is possible sign him up and create a calendar that has only the games he will be playing on it so he does not worry his dad about the games he is missing. That could potentially cause you a headache if your relationship with your ex is not friendly. At this age nothing is needed but soccer is fun and good exercise. You are free to parent how you want on your time provided you can afford it.

Ilumine · October 2014

First and foremost, you cannot ask your Ex to give up his already short parenting time. You just can't. He literally gets 48 hours ever two weeks - 96 hours out of a month that has 720 hours.

Outside of the fact that children need both parents in their lives, especially during the formative years, a parent needs to be able to see his/her child as much as possible.

And given the number of studies on the subject (heck, this whole single mother's bring down society so we need to throw monies at them thing is the cornerstone of the social services sector) of the importance of mothers and fathers, the odds are your son is going to get more by having your Ex in his life than playing soccer at the ripe old age of 3.

And honestly, I can almost see why your Ex said what he said? If your son is bothering you ALL OF THE TIME, I am sure that he is bothering your EX ALL OF THE TIME. While the wrong thing to say, I can so see how that was blurted out in a conversation.

And between you and me and this board, haven't you been pushing this with your son? Implying that the reason why there isn't any soccer is because of DADDY? Even though DADDY is saying no so Daddy can be with him at this very young age?

I have always stressed that a parent should be honest. But there is HONEST and using the facts/statistics to get your way. Sure, Daddy said NO. But the WHY daddy said no is just as important.

WLJ2 · October 2014

I have not been implying the reason he can't play is daddy. I have told him he can't play till he is 4 and left his father out of the subject when I'm talking to DS.

And his father actually has him more than EOW.

Thank you for your insight.

Wahoo · October 2014

I would talk with the coach and see if he can play every other week. When they are only 3-4-5, it really doesn't matter if your son misses half the practices or games. Many families have two parent households, or even conflicting schedules within an intact family. As long as the coach knows in advance what your schedule is it shouldn't be a problem.

If your son really has a talent for soccer and five years from now he wants to join a travel team or play more competitively, then you can revisit activities with your ex. I would also start looking to see if there are any rec leagues that practice and play on weekdays close to you in case you can't come to an agreement (again, 4-5 years from now!)

Pamelacake · October 2014

My son started soccer at 5yo. We also had a conflicting schedule. It was very expensive and he didn't get to go to all of the games and missed some practices but he still enjoyed it and made a lot of new friends.

It's character building and fun at this age. The decision is up to you and I agree.. just leave your ex out of it. IDK what the norm communications is like with your X but maybe if your son loves it, he will come to a game and watch him play or something. GL (=

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

I ended up moving 5 mins away from BD for this very reason. My son just turned 4 and started soccer. It is nice to not have to worry about a commute to attend these type of things. I can understand BD not being able to bring him every time but seems like he would at least make an effort to bring him a few times on his Sundays. He is being unreasonable. I don't see the difference in whether he starts doing it now or next year or the year after. Eventually he needs to let his child participate in sports.

ambrvan · October 2014

If BD doesn't want to participate, you can't make him. But if your son really wants to play, then sign him up and let him play every other week.

My son is 4, and we haven't had everyone there for every game, picture, or practice one time yet. All they do at this age anyway is "Ok, let's try to kick the ball now," while half of them are laying in the grass crying and the other half are climbing tge goal net, and then one kid picks up the ball and plays keep away. They have fun and make friends, but seriously, it's no biggie. Lol

WLJ2 · October 2014

Thanks ladies. I will talk with them in the spring hopefully every other game isn't a big deal with the team.

Ilumine · October 2014

dmndsr4eva said:

I ended up moving 5 mins away from BD for this very reason. My son just turned 4 and started soccer. It is nice to not have to worry about a commute to attend these type of things. I can understand BD not being able to bring him every time but seems like he would at least make an effort to bring him a few times on his Sundays. He is being unreasonable. I don't see the difference in whether he starts doing it now or next year or the year after. Eventually he needs to let his child participate in sports.

Actually, no he doesn't.

If sports were THAT important, then we would not have try outs for the best players and everyone could/would participate and no one would be turned away.

Or conversly, we would have millions of adversely affected human beings around the world because not every child has the opportunity, let alone the ability to play a team or individual sport.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm

https://www.livescience.com/37435-fathers-importance-kids.html

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2158671/Love-father-contributes-childs-development-mother-study-claims.html

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080212095450.htm

Now, if the OP's Ex is not involved during his parenting time, then the above is a moot point. However, that does not mean that the father is expected to be a Disney Dad...but just a regular day dad. So as long as the Ex isn't sitting the kid in front of the tv or pawning the child off on others during the parenting time, he is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing.

And during the formative years and even into the middle and high school years, if Dad doesn't want to loose his family time to a sport because they are DOING something, then bully for him.

dmndsr4eva · October 2014

I don't know why you are so anti sports but I have had this argument with you before.

My son is being coached by his dad with the help of many family members. Including his cousin, his grandpa, his grandma, his sisters etc. So for us sports are a time to spend quality/family time. If the family is involved it counts for family time in my book. I enjoy being at the game and cheering and supporting my son. And it is a time where family comes together and can spend time together.

menta84 · October 2014

I personally think sports can be important, if the child enjoys it and the family is involved it can be a lot of fun actually. My dad made it to all my soccer games; he was very involved and supportive. I support the idea that sports can account for family time for some people.

Belou52579 · October 2014

At 3/ almost 4, I'd probably sign him up for the YMCA. We brought N to all sorts of lessons and "groups" like hockey, basketball and soccer that met once a week. We switch with BM every week so he'd miss the weeks she had him because she didn't want to bring him. Because it wasn't a competitive team or have any sort of scrimmage schedule, he really didn't miss much and it didn't affect the "team" when he couldn't come. It did give him time to play with other kids and learn about each sport in an age friendly environment.

Might be worth it for you to check out...

twister22 · October 2014

DS started soccer at age 5 and he is one of the best players on the team (I say that so you know that at this age, waiting a year or two to start is really NBD. I thought he would be behind, but he's just fine.)

If you really want to sign him up now, then go for it. My son's team practices a set night each week and has 80% of his games on Saturdays, and 20% on Tuesday nights. We also joined a league that was not in my town, but a midway point for BD & I.

Do you think BD would be more willing to let your DS play during his time if it was a more convenient location for him?

If not, just sign him up and make sure the team practices on nights that you have DS. Your son will miss half the games, but oh well. My son had a teammate last season who was in a BF situation, and only attended 1/2 the games. Just let the league/coach know ahead of time just in case it is an issue.

ambrvan · October 2014

Make a note of it on the registration paperwork so that they can make adjustments of the number of players on a team if need be. So that him not being there won't be an issue in having enough players to play.

Ilumine · October 2014

I am not anti sports. I am pro parent.

Sports are NOT the be all, end all to a child's development. Do they help, sure. But if it were THAT important (you know the way most Custodial Parents beat their breast when the NCP says NO) than the kids who are not able to make it on a team, for whatever reason, would be completely handicapped and we would have a WORLD of backward kids.

On the other hand, we KNOW through study after study after study, just how important have both parents are in the formation of a child. Especially fathers.

So I think this crap about doing what is best for the child is NOT coming from a righteous place, but one of being a bitch. If you have a NCP who wants to spend time with his/her child and does not want to loose more time to a sport, then back off.

Let us be honest here, the Custodial Parent has a lot more time to lose with the kid. But the Non Custodial Parent usually doesn't.

Honestly, I may be a bit offended by all of this push for sports because I did not get to play sports at 4 going on 14 because my intact parents did not have the money or time (you know, they were working to put food on the table and a roof over my head).

And I think, given the fact that I am healthy and was able to rise high enough in my career to testify in front of Congress as a SME, that having to have a sport to succeed is bullscheiße

stokesm21 · October 2014

Ilumine said:

I am not anti sports. I am pro parent.

Let us be honest here, the Custodial Parent has a lot more time to lose with the kid. But the Non Custodial Parent usually doesn't.

This! I could not agree more! We have SS every second weekend and he has an extra-curricular that takes up Saturday mornings and sometimes all day Saturday. Obviously, these land on our weekends as well cutting our time to 36 hours or even only 24! It may be hard being a full-time parent, but it's hard being a part-time parent as well. There is never enough time for the non-custodial parent. (In our situation at least) I'm sorry but I say kudos to your ex for not giving up his time. I'm sure other arrangements can be made and I doubt it would matter if he missed a game here or there.

HoolyGo · October 2014

I come from a huge sports family. My dad coached my teams when I was little and my mom came to every track/cross country meet through high school. Even extended family got into it (for me and other family members). I also had a athletic scholarship for college. I absolutely plan to put DS in sports as he gets older (hopefully he loves them as much as I do.)

With all that said, I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you thing BD should give up some of his time for a 3 year olds soccer practice/games. We signed SD up for soccer and then basketball and even though DH is the NCP we still make sure that everything falls within his time. She has missed things here and there and it really doesn't matter much at her age (5). If just sign him up and take him half the time or find a league in another area that had games and practices all on your time.

Want a personalized experience?

How would you handle this??

Re: How would you handle this??

Choose Another Board

Search Boards