In-laws Babysitting Anxiety

edoliesmom · October 2014

My husband and I are wanting to celebrate our anniversary this weekend, and my MIL already agreed to babysit (FIL may or may not be coming too). It's been a few months since she's watched her, and Edolie has gotten more difficult/particular as she's gotten older. So 1) I'm worried that she won't nap well while we're gone (we'll probably be gone around 6 hours, so she should have at least 2 naps while we're gone).

Here's my major concern though: I'm worried that my MIL won't listen and respect our wishes concerning tv watching. We're going to tell her we don't want her having screen time, but in the past when we've either visited or when we were living with them, they've let her watch it for a minute or two. I never said anything since it was such a small amount of time and I didn't want to come off as controlling or micromanaging and usually found a way to intervene subtly, but I'm sure they've heard me telling my husband that I don't want her watching it (he's not as adamant about it as I am). Anyway, the reason I have worry is because there have been times when my MIL has made comments in the past. Once when my SIL & BIL were visiting with their son over there, he needed to take a nap, so they put him in his PNP in my ILs' room. They didn't want him watching tv, and he was crying (he was over a year old at this point). My MIL made a comment when they weren't around that if they weren't there that she would turn on Bubble Guppies for him. Another time she said something to me to the effect of, "I bet you're going to make her eat sugar-free popsicles, aren't you?" And I responded with probably so, and she laughed and had an "oh boy..." attitude as if she thought it was ridiculous. She wanted me to let her try some watermelon when she was 4 months old. She's talked about letting her have junk food and stuff when she comes to stay the night when she's older. Just these kinds of things make me not trust her.

I've expressed these concerns to my husband, and he said we either can just not go, or that I need to trust her. I desperately want to go and have some alone time with him, so trusting her is my only option. I don't really know how to go about talking to her in a way to where she takes me seriously, and I don't know how to have 100% confidence that I can trust her to respect my wishes.

edoliesmom · October 2014

Vinny424 said:

If it were just the screen time is say let it go. One night won't make a difference. But if you think she'd do something like give her chocolate or ice cream I'd say find a sitter.

I have worried that they would try to let her taste things, but I don't really have a rational basis for that... It's more just me being paranoid if I'm being completely honest. And that's the thing, it IS just for one night, but it's more about the potential disregard of what I want for my baby that irks me. She's pretty much the only babysitter we have. All of my other family that I trust lives too far, so if it goes well and we want to go out more often, that means she could be getting more screen time in the future than just this one instance.

fireflygirl12 · October 2014

I would only be concerned with life-safety issues. For example, one of my friend's moms insists on putting her LO down for naps on their stomach because she insists it's safer. That would be a no-go for me. Other stuff, while annoying, isn't going to negatively impact her forever. It's hard not to be controlling, but nobody is going to do things exactly like you do, and you have to be OK with that if you're ever going to have time away.

edoliesmom · October 2014

AprilMay9 said:

I agree with Vinny. I am with you on no screen time but I wouldn't let it ruin my night or anything. Super passive aggressively avoiding the situation but you could always unhook the cable box and hide it "sorry cables broken they're sending a new box!"

Haha! They would hate us and never agree to watch her again unless it was at their house. So even though it could potentially happen in the future in other cases where they're babysitting, I guess since it would be so spaced apart, it wouldn't really matter..?

ksulli · October 2014

I've pushed with ILs on safty items: back to sleep, no blankets/pillows, only foods I have offered (food allergy fear), etc. Other things, you just have to figure grandparents are grandparents and will spoil grandkids. Mine did, you're probably did, and some day (God willing) you will too. A few hours/days of grand parenting won't ruin your consistent parenting.

Calla123 · October 2014

As long as I felt my LO was safe I would just let everything go and think of it as "What happens at Grandparents house.." sort of thing. My 3 year old gets given all kids of sweets/chocolate/cake and whatever at grandparents house but not often at our own (It was the same for me growing up). I am okay with it because she is not with them all often...if it were an every day thing where she was with them I would NOT be okay with it, but I just see it as a treat.

edoliesmom · October 2014

fireflygirl12 said:

I would only be concerned with life-safety issues. For example, one of my friend's moms insists on putting her LO down for naps on their stomach because she insists it's safer. That would be a no-go for me. Other stuff, while annoying, isn't going to negatively impact her forever. It's hard not to be controlling, but nobody is going to do things exactly like you do, and you have to be OK with that if you're ever going to have time away.

Uuuuuuugh..... You're right. Like I mentioned earlier, it's more about the blatant disregard for what I want that irritates me, but I guess I have to get over that too. It's not like it's even actually happened (just likely indicators that it probably would), so it might not even happen, and even if it does, I probably won't have any idea that it did!... lol I'm nuts. 8-}

BuggasMom · October 2014

Here is my opinion I have rules and routines at my home. But when we drop the kids at the grandparents I have learned that being stressed over the little things such as t.v time, treats bedtime etc really puts a damper in my evening out. And in the long run it just isn't worth it! After all it's only for a day.

If my in laws need to turn on Mickey Mouse to calm the baby down so be it. As long as I pick up a happy, dry well taken care of kid I have learned to look the other way. Cuz after all they are doing you a favor.

It it annoying? ... Yes. Is it worth stressing it No.

So in the end I would advise you to stick to your guns on things that would harm or be dangerous for your baby. For me it's (food we are still watching for allergys) I bring approved food for baby and make it clear the importance of it, sleeping with toys and blankets etc. stuff like that .
As for my 4 year old she gets to pretty do whatever she wants and always comes back spoiled rotten and full of sugar! It drives me crazy but.. It's what grandparents do.

And we return home, back to normal rules and routines.

I say let it go. Go and enjoy yourself you deserve it.

edoliesmom · October 2014

@BuggasMom It IS at my house, but I guess that's more of an issue when they're old enough to know "these are the rules for our house; these are the rules at grandparents' house."

And with the food thing, we haven't started it yet. Waiting 'til at least 6 months old. I'd be more irritated that they were trying things with her before we got to first! And yes, I definitely don't want any kind of allergic reaction happening, especially when we're not there. I think that's the angle I'll come at it from when we talk to them.

Thanks, y'all. I needed to hear everything you've had to say. My husband will be grateful to y'all when we don't have to have an hour long conversation about it when he gets home. lol

UnofficiallyLO · October 2014

Pps are right, I would feel exactly the same way but I'm beginning to understand you can only control so much that goes on at the grands and they have LOs best interest at heart- they just think they know better, just like we do.

dmosquera4 · October 2014

ok im probably going to get burned for this but... why is TV so bad?

also a day or two isn't going to hurt them.... plus aren't grandparents supposed to spoil their grandchildren anyways? my mom had rules with growing up, but i knew when i stayed with my grandparents i was going to be spoiled to death

and actually my IL's actually listen more to me than my own parents

if you worry too much you will never get out the house! go enjoy some nice time with your hubby you deserve it!

fireflygirl12 · October 2014

I've realized that it's much less stressful to deal with a day of worse sleep or a hyped up kid than always worry about what my mom or MIL are doing. And it's annoying for them that I have all the instructions, like they've never raised a kid or I don't trust their judgment. Try to remember that she's being thoughtful by offering to babysit so that you can enjoy a night out. If there are always a bunch of rules/scrutiny over how she does things, she may not offer in the future.

cd92007 · October 2014

I have to admit I was very much the same way... But I have learned to let certain things go. My mother in law watches our son tues-fri while I'm at work. One day when he wasn't napping AT ALL, she put him on his tummy to sleep and it worked... But when I found out, I lost my shit. But, then I realized I need to chill out a little.... He was literally getting no sleep during the day, which was much more unhealthy for him. Plus, we have an angelcare monitor that she turns on, and he can roll from belly to back... So I felt his safety wasn't at risk. So, I gave in and he's been tummy sleeping for naps ever since. There are some things I put my foot down about, but sometimes you just gotta go with the flow (as long as things are safe... In my situation, I felt comfortable with his safety).

chichi589 · October 2014

Let yourself relax and try not to think about it. I like the idea of giving a food to them like apples and saying "this is only day two I'm worried she's allergic can you watch her super close just to be sure I would hate for her to be allergic to apples" lie but that way she will be on the lookout for allergic reaction to apples and not as likely to give something else. Don't stress about tv time, edolie will be fine enjoy your night!

katess84 · October 2014

I know exactly how you feel. I get so nervous when FIL is watching LO because he doesn't agree with anything we do with LO. But like PPs have said, it is just for one day. I started with just letting him watch LO for a short period of time where I knew there wasn't much he could screw up. I still get nervous, but remind myself that as long as he doesn't do anything unsafe, LO will fall back into his normal schedule once it's back to mom and dad.

J&NL · October 2014

One night is not a big deal.

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