Are you the default parent?

purtz · October 2014

Fun and funny read! Just had to share.

https://mblazoned.com/1/post/2014/09/the-default-parent.html

shannm · October 2014

Yup. This truly resonated.

operaghost · October 2014

Nope. DH is the default parent. Ha ha.

*sparky* · October 2014

I am absolutely the default parent. The part about asking when their daughter gets out of dance made me laugh because DH is always asking me what time practice is (same time every week) and the other day even asked what time DS gets out of school. He has been going to the same school since pre-3, so this is his 7th year, and elementary school dismissal time has always been the same.

And DS is forever walking right past DH to look for me to help with something. Or in the morning if DS and DH are downstairs, DS will wait until I get down to ask for breakfast.

So yes, I am the default parent.

emberlee3 · October 2014

Default parent here. It's totally exhausting. I mean, yes, DH is "in charge" of mowing the lawn, but I still have to tell him when to go do it, because otherwise the weekend goes by and he never thinks to do it.

jlaOK · October 2014

MrsPM said:

LibraryChica said:

Partly? Probably. I'm definitely the more administrative parent but I was the more administrative spouse too -- evidently I like calendars and lists. Sometimes it is annoying, but there are things he deals with that I don't realize are even things until they're done, kwim? And DD won't generally walk past him to get to me -- maybe that comes later.

I agree, I'm more of the administrative parent. I definitely handle the calendar, school paperwork, etc. I'm also home more with the kids then DH is because of my hours, so in that sense I'm the default parent. If we're both at home, they don't discriminate who they ask for help from.

Same with me. I'm naturally more organized, better at remembering things, and care more to know the names of teachers and things. DH, on the other hand, is the more active parent. He is not a homebody (I am) and is always thinking of fun things to do with the kids. It all works out to being 50/50 on all aspects of the kids.

minirella · October 2014

I'd say that I'm the parent that is responsible for most things especially regarding care but I can't completely agree with the author. My husband does his share especially since she is older and it is more about playing than care. I'm the breadwinner, I do the home maintenance (meaning when something breaks, I will attempt to fix it first cause I'm handy like that) so some of those classic male/female roles mentioned aren't true for us.

2chatter · October 2014

The "balance" in things is lacking here; we have a pool service and a lawn service, so it's not like DH handles those things. I think it bothered me that the article tried so hard to say that the non-default parent is just as valid and does just as much - it detracts from the point and smacks of mommy wars type justification. There are tradeoffs and injustice and a lack of balance and all sorts of things and the article left me thinking about those things instead of the point of the article.

Other than that I loved the article - it articulates something I try and try and try to explain to DH and he just does not understand. Even when I travel for work it's me pulling the strings to organize the last minute transport change to practice, extend the sitter, confirm the playdate....

Leap08 · October 2014

I am definitely the default parent but I am also the parent that is always home. My husband is gone a lot for work so I have to be the one who organizes everything for the kids, and I think the girls are just so used to asking me for things that they automatically ask me even when my husband is standing right there. When my husband is home, he definitely does his share of things and often does things I didn't even know or realize needed to be done.

DiveFrog · October 2014

Eh. I am and was the default spouse. I am now the default parent. It isn't a matter of balance or workload. DH does just as much, if not more household and childcare duties. However, I am naturally a leader and person in charge, he is naturally not a leader/organizer/planner. He doesn't hold an opinion on a lot of topics and I always do. Therefore, I handle our administrative life, I make plans and lists, and manage the finances and paperwork of our life. More often then not, DH is the one that executes said plans. It works for us and doesn't bother me the way it seems to bother the author of this blog.

Beevol · October 2014

DH and I consciously work to see that neither of us becomes the default parent because that's important to us (to be clear, neither of us is the default anything except bug killing (him) and cat barf cleaning (me) and neither of those are hard or common tasks in our home). I'm currently pregnant and DH was definitely the default parent for all of my first hyperemesis-full first trimester.

We have a shared google calendar and generally distribute the tasks of running our family and home evenly based on preference or what makes more sense.

traveltheworld · October 2014

I'm definitely the defaut parent too. Funnily, DH was the default spouse who took care of all of our administrative stuff. But somehow, once DS came along, I became the parent that took care of everything related to DS. DH takes DS to gymnastics every week and he STILL asks me what time the class is. It boggles my mind. But in truth, I like it this way. And DH shares equal parenting duties and actually takes more time off for DS's sick days etc. - it's just when it comes to signing up for activities and making appointments for DS, I'm always the one who does it.

CarrieB. · October 2014

Am I the only one who just thinks this lady is just complaining? Ask your DH for help if you don't feel like doing everything!

My DH is home with our kids during the day so he gets stuck with the majority of the dirty diapers and the potty training and the teething and the Thomas watching and the repair people- day time stuff. But I do doctors appointments, birthday gifts, dance lessons, bathroom cleaning and dinner making, weekend/evening stuff.

If I felt that I had an unfair workload, I would talk to him, not write a whiny blog.

Katelobster · October 2014

I feel jilted now. I'm the default parent AND the default spider-killer.

MommaP12 · October 2014

We're split like 70/30 with me at the 70. DH does a lot without me asking/telling him to like haircuts, etc.

...and I knew someone would say this woman was just complaining, missing the point.

minirella · October 2014

CarrieB. said:

Ask your DH for help if you don't feel like doing everything!

This is where me and the hubs have our differences. I feel as though I shouldn't have to ask, that as a parent, he should just act. But maybe I ask too much.

alli2672 · October 2014

"I also manage the organization of drawers between seasons to see what fits. This is a crap job that only the default parent even knows exists."

This made me laugh. I think there are a few jobs that only the default parent knows exists.

Of course, my H is working out of state this year, and I have found out a few of his crap jobs that I didn't even know existed, like putting salt in the water softener.

aglenn · October 2014

socialmediamommy said:

CarrieB. said:

Am I the only one who just thinks this lady is just complaining? Ask your DH for help if you don't feel like doing everything! My DH is home with our kids during the day so he gets stuck with the majority of the dirty diapers and the potty training and the teething and the Thomas watching and the repair people- day time stuff. But I do doctors appointments, birthday gifts, dance lessons, bathroom cleaning and dinner making, weekend/evening stuff. If I felt that I had an unfair workload, I would talk to him, not write a whiny blog.

I don't feel that DH and I have unfair division of labor. But being the one responsible for the mental file cabinet/calendar of all our lives is an exhausting task and I think that's what the blogger was getting at. It's a different kind of work, and something that often goes unnoticed compared to physical labor type work that is noticeable day to day.

Yes, this is how I feel. DH will do tasks to divide the actual labor somewhat evenly, but I am the constant time-and-detail keeper and have to tell him what to do when. That mental clutter is just exhausting.

CarrieB. · October 2014

aglenn said:

socialmediamommy said:

CarrieB. said:

Am I the only one who just thinks this lady is just complaining? Ask your DH for help if you don't feel like doing everything!

My DH is home with our kids during the day so he gets stuck with the majority of the dirty diapers and the potty training and the teething and the Thomas watching and the repair people- day time stuff. But I do doctors appointments, birthday gifts, dance lessons, bathroom cleaning and dinner making, weekend/evening stuff.

If I felt that I had an unfair workload, I would talk to him, not write a whiny blog.

I don't feel that DH and I have unfair division of labor. But being the one responsible for the mental file cabinet/calendar of all our lives is an exhausting task and I think that's what the blogger was getting at. It's a different kind of work, and something that often goes unnoticed compared to physical labor type work that is noticeable day to day.

Yes, this is how I feel. DH will do tasks to divide the actual labor somewhat evenly, but I am the constant time-and-detail keeper and have to tell him what to do when. That mental clutter is just exhausting.

Isn't this what google calendar is for?

aglenn · October 2014

Oh, we use multiple shared calendars. Electronic, paper...I put appointments on DH's work calendar which I know he looks at all the time...I still have to micromanage. I think this is a DH-related issue in my case.

Iblamethebeer · October 2014

minirella said:

CarrieB. said:

Ask your DH for help if you don't feel like doing everything!

This is where me and the hubs have our differences. I feel as though I shouldn't have to ask, that as a parent, he should just act. But maybe I ask too much.

Yeah I think the whole point is that while a couple may split the tasks 50/50, the person who has to say "hey, it's time to make a doctor's appointment, which one of us is going to do that?" is the default parent.

Someone on this board once said that she felt like even though she and her husband were both dedicated parents, she had somehow ended up as the project manager for the baby. I think that's maybe a better description than default parent.

ASmallWonder · October 2014

100% default parent. I often wonder what would happen if I didn't make sure we were stocked with diapers and wipes, the kids got new shoes with each size change, clothes didn't get changed out seasonally, etc.

2chatter · October 2014

The whole project manager thing has always resonated with me because DH and I are both project managers. He made crazy spreadsheets for our wedding. For DS, however, it's like he totally lacks the project management skillset. It's fascinating to watch unfold as DS grows. I can put Donuts with Dad on his work calendar, which of course he looks at 1600 times a week, and he still asks me "What time do I have to be there for donuts?" I KNOW he doesn't ask that of the project teams he manages when they set meetings with him!

Mostly, it makes me laugh and I don't keep score. The score keeping facet of the article is what bugged me.

Jellybean707 · October 2014

minirella said:

CarrieB. said:

Ask your DH for help if you don't feel like doing everything!

This is where me and the hubs have our differences. I feel as though I shouldn't have to ask, that as a parent, he should just act. But maybe I ask too much.

1000% the bolded. My H always helps when I ask but it would be nice to for once not have to say "P missed his gymnastics class last week will you please call to reschedule?" or "P has outgrown his clothes, we need to buy fall clothes and box up the old ones." or insert any other household/childrearing task.

Being the default parent means being the project manager for our lives. Yes, DH will always do tasks that are asked of him. It is mentally exhausting to have to hand him a task sheet(not literally) anytime something needs doing.

shannm · October 2014

CarrieB. said:
Am I the only one who just thinks this lady is just complaining? Ask your DH for help if you don't feel like doing everything!

My DH is home with our kids during the day so he gets stuck with the majority of the dirty diapers and the potty training and the teething and the Thomas watching and the repair people- day time stuff. But I do doctors appointments, birthday gifts, dance lessons, bathroom cleaning and dinner making, weekend/evening stuff.

If I felt that I had an unfair workload, I would talk to him, not write a whiny blog.

That's the thing. Constantly asking for help is exhausting. The non default parent becomes just a helper with no ownership and therefore a lot less responsibility. Shit my life would be 7000x easier if someone told me where and when to show up and generated to do lists for me.
Like when DH says he'll help with meal planning but wants me to actually plan, generate the list, and then he goes to the store for thirty minutes....alone....without the kid....uh...

shakinros · October 2014

shannm said:

That's the thing. Constantly asking for help is exhausting. The non default parent becomes just a helper with no ownership and therefore a lot less responsibility. Shit my life would be 7000x easier if someone told me where and when to show up and generated to do lists for me.
Like when DH says he'll help with meal planning but wants me to actually plan, generate the list, and then he goes to the store for thirty minutes....alone....without the kid....uh...

OMG yes. All of this. Even the things I am not in charge of like paying his school loans, I still have to tell him to do. They straight up wouldn't get paid if I didn't say "pay your school loans this week" and then asked at least twice if it had been done yet. We have a family calendar but I am 100% sure he has never looked at it based on conversations like this:
H: what time is that activity on Saturday?
Me: 10am. It's on the google calendar if you ever need to check the weekend schedule. Do you need me to send you another invite?
H: no, I have it. I just keep forgetting about that calendar.
[repeat two days later]

I'm trying an experiment where I isolate some tasks that are meaningful but not critical and disavow all responsibility for them. DD's Halloween costume is one of these tasks. She only just turned 2, so she doesn't know Halloween is a thing. DH loves Halloween and I could care less. So, he's in charge of choosing and purchasing her costume. I'm doing absolutely nothing about it and it feels great!

shannm · October 2014

shakinros said:

That's the thing. Constantly asking for help is exhausting. The non default parent becomes just a helper with no ownership and therefore a lot less responsibility. Shit my life would be 7000x easier if someone told me where and when to show up and generated to do lists for me. Like when DH says he'll help with meal planning but wants me to actually plan, generate the list, and then he goes to the store for thirty minutes....alone....without the kid....uh...
I'm trying an experiment where I isolate some tasks that are meaningful but not critical and disavow all responsibility for them.

Yes, I do this. Particularly when it comes to events that his family is orchestrating or his work/social events. Things that I don't care if they fall through. Like a dinner on Friday that he mentioned to me about six weeks ago once. Told me he would like me to come. I told him to send me the details and secure a babysitter. Never heard about it again until last night. "So that thing on Friday…." Yeah, I am not going.

ASmallWonder · October 2014

The conversation DH and I have has is him telling me that there's no way I would be ok not being the default parent - I'm too controlling. Which is true. I've had to remind him that just because I take on the task or even enjoy the task does not mean I don't deserve "credit" (for lack of a better word) for doing said task.

jlaOK · October 2014

alli2672 said:

"I also manage the organization of drawers between seasons to see what fits. This is a crap job that only the default parent even knows exists."
This made me laugh. I think there are a few jobs that only the default parent knows exists.
Of course, my H is working out of state this year, and I have found out a few of his crap jobs that I didn't even know existed, like putting salt in the water softener.

I agree with this 1000%. Yes, I am the one who knows what shoe size the kids are, the one who switches out clothes seasonally, and the one who knows which shirts of DD's are appropriate to wear with leggings but DH does a lot that I have no clue about. He is the one who dose all the yard work, changes AC filters, makes sure the cars have regular maintenance. If I want to call myself the "default parent" then he could definitely call himself many titles including "default mechanic, default lawn service, etc." It's all about division of tasks and who is better equip to take on what.

kristennd · October 2014

shannm said:

That's the thing. Constantly asking for help is exhausting. The non default parent becomes just a helper with no ownership and therefore a lot less responsibility. Shit my life would be 7000x easier if someone told me where and when to show up and generated to do lists for me. Like when DH says he'll help with meal planning but wants me to actually plan, generate the list, and then he goes to the store for thirty minutes....alone....without the kid....uh...

See for me that totally works. I'm a project manager type -- both at home and at work -- and DH absolutely is not, in either arena. So I come up with the to-do lists and reminders and he does it all. I feel that in the end it's quite equal, if not even to my advantage. He does all the appointment calls and the driving all over town and the shopping (which I hate). I just have to send out periodic emails and texts.

radiohd18 · October 2014

I am definitely the default parent. DH is always asking me what he should be doing to take care of her. But, DH does manage the house and almost always makes dinner for us. Because I'm nursing, I'm usually the one tied to LO. DH can stay at work late, go to happy hours, travel for work and do extracurricular activities every week because of the simple fact that he's not nursing. And, LO's daycare is very close to my office so I do all drop off and pick up.

If I ask him to do something for LO, he'll do it, as long as there's not some other chore he's trying to complete. If I want to do something on my own on the weekend (shopping, the gym, etc). I have to make sure I speak up and schedule it in. He never tells me I can't go, but I have to advocate for myself. I also have to advocate for LO a little because he doesn't always remember how important mealtimes, nap times and bed times are.

It's really hard and I am definitely a little resentful of DH sometimes.

GillianB32 · October 2014

So funny! Love that video

LOL parenting is hard...Happy Friday mummies!

DiveFrog · October 2014

shannm said:

shakinros said:

That's the thing. Constantly asking for help is exhausting. The non default parent becomes just a helper with no ownership and therefore a lot less responsibility. Shit my life would be 7000x easier if someone told me where and when to show up and generated to do lists for me. Like when DH says he'll help with meal planning but wants me to actually plan, generate the list, and then he goes to the store for thirty minutes....alone....without the kid....uh...
I'm trying an experiment where I isolate some tasks that are meaningful but not critical and disavow all responsibility for them.

Yes, I do this. Particularly when it comes to events that his family is orchestrating or his work/social events. Things that I don't care if they fall through. Like a dinner on Friday that he mentioned to me about six weeks ago once. Told me he would like me to come. I told him to send me the details and secure a babysitter. Never heard about it again until last night. "So that thing on Friday…." Yeah, I am not going.

Love this. I have done this a number of times and each time DH fails to act. The biggest one was he was adamant he wanted a christening for DD. I am not catholic, and was never christened. I told him if it was that important to him he could plan and execute the entire event. Turns out it wasn't as important as he made it out to be since she is 2.5 and hasn't been christened.

Bottom line he wanted me to plan the entire thing, Invites, paperwork, church, post christening party, thank yous etc. I am so glad I didn't cave to taking on all that stress and work.

rds51510 said:

I am definitely the default parent. DH is always asking me what he should be doing to take care of her. But, DH does manage the house and almost always makes dinner for us. Because I'm nursing, I'm usually the one tied to LO. DH can stay at work late, go to happy hours, travel for work and do extracurricular activities every week because of the simple fact that he's not nursing. And, LO's daycare is very close to my office so I do all drop off and pick up.
If I ask him to do something for LO, he'll do it, as long as there's not some other chore he's trying to complete. If I want to do something on my own on the weekend (shopping, the gym, etc). I have to make sure I speak up and schedule it in. He never tells me I can't go, but I have to advocate for myself. I also have to advocate for LO a little because he doesn't always remember how important mealtimes, nap times and bed times are.
It's really hard and I am definitely a little resentful of DH sometimes.

This was DH & I the entire first year! I was not a little resentful, I was a lot resentful. Mostly because he didn't acknowledge and realize that this was the situation. And also because he wasn't taking the time to get to know his child well enough to know and understand how important meals/nap times/bed times were for her.

All I can say is hang in there!! It got infinitely better around 1yr since DD finally started STTN and also because I stopped pumping at work and was down to 2 nursing sessions a day. Then I really felt like we were able to better balance the parenting duties.

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