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April 2014 Moms
*sparky*
member
IL vent - so incredibly pissed (long)
*sparky*
member
My ILs have known my parents for 15 years. We have all gone on vacation together every year, we have celebrated the major holidays together, etc. yesterday my dad told me they had called him and said they were not coming to my stepmother's funeral because they did not want to be an inconvenience. They would have to come from out of town and stay with us but they never even talked to is about it.
DH was really mad and called his mom last night. They have pulled this inconvenience crap many times - when DH fell and was in ICU for five days they never came, they don't come for holidays, they did not come to visit when we had the baby for several weeks and when they did they picked two days in the middle of the week.
DH was telling his mom this is total BS and that she should have at least talked to him about it and that he cannot believe they are not coming. And because they are not coming SIL is not coming either.
So this is where I get really pissed. MIL says that when they came after DD was born they felt like I was really inconvenienced and I did not leave the baby with them at all so they feel like I don't trust them. Meanwhile DH did not take a single day off while they were here and worked from 6 am - 7 pm. DD was going through a major growth spurt and was attached to my boob most of the day. I was not about to BF in front of FIL so this left me sitting in the nursery all day. I guess they overheard me complaining to DH about being stuck on the nursery all day long so now they feel like they are not wanted. WTF? I can't complain about having to BF for hours on end and being stuck in the nursery glider without it hurting their feelings? And there is no discussion of the fact that DH was home for maybe 2 waking hours each day.
Meanwhile FIL has always been a passive aggressive ass to me, to the point of not talking to me for a full three days we stayed there for Christmas one year because we had to leave after three days instead of staying for the entire holiday break, because he felt it was my fault DH was not staying long. Stupid crap like that has been going on forever.
Now DH wants me to call his mom and explain that I do want them around and they are not an inconvenience for the sake of keeping the peace and I having a really hard time with this. They have not called to express their condolences over losing my stepmother, they are acting like children and I have to apologize? Plus this shit has been going on for years, way before they came to visit after DD was born.
He does see that they are being ridiculous and he is very angry with them and had his mom on tears last night, but really thinks I should talk to her.
So for those of you who have IL drama how do you deal with keeping the peace for the sake of your SO and your kids? I have planned this annual vacation every year and we pay for it, I have never called FIL on acting like an ass and have just dealt with it, and I am always the one to ask if they are coming to visit, ask what is going on for he holidays, etc. but this is really pushing me over the edge.
DH was really mad and called his mom last night. They have pulled this inconvenience crap many times - when DH fell and was in ICU for five days they never came, they don't come for holidays, they did not come to visit when we had the baby for several weeks and when they did they picked two days in the middle of the week.
DH was telling his mom this is total BS and that she should have at least talked to him about it and that he cannot believe they are not coming. And because they are not coming SIL is not coming either.
So this is where I get really pissed. MIL says that when they came after DD was born they felt like I was really inconvenienced and I did not leave the baby with them at all so they feel like I don't trust them. Meanwhile DH did not take a single day off while they were here and worked from 6 am - 7 pm. DD was going through a major growth spurt and was attached to my boob most of the day. I was not about to BF in front of FIL so this left me sitting in the nursery all day. I guess they overheard me complaining to DH about being stuck on the nursery all day long so now they feel like they are not wanted. WTF? I can't complain about having to BF for hours on end and being stuck in the nursery glider without it hurting their feelings? And there is no discussion of the fact that DH was home for maybe 2 waking hours each day.
Meanwhile FIL has always been a passive aggressive ass to me, to the point of not talking to me for a full three days we stayed there for Christmas one year because we had to leave after three days instead of staying for the entire holiday break, because he felt it was my fault DH was not staying long. Stupid crap like that has been going on forever.
Now DH wants me to call his mom and explain that I do want them around and they are not an inconvenience for the sake of keeping the peace and I having a really hard time with this. They have not called to express their condolences over losing my stepmother, they are acting like children and I have to apologize? Plus this shit has been going on for years, way before they came to visit after DD was born.
He does see that they are being ridiculous and he is very angry with them and had his mom on tears last night, but really thinks I should talk to her.
So for those of you who have IL drama how do you deal with keeping the peace for the sake of your SO and your kids? I have planned this annual vacation every year and we pay for it, I have never called FIL on acting like an ass and have just dealt with it, and I am always the one to ask if they are coming to visit, ask what is going on for he holidays, etc. but this is really pushing me over the edge.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: IL vent - so incredibly pissed (long)
She actually almost skipped DD's first birthday because she was sulking over one of her imagined hurts. DH just let her know she was welcome and left it at that. If she was willing to miss her grandchilds first birthday then she was hurting herself more than anyone else! She showed up in the end which was good considering that is when we announced LO was on the way...
My perspective is that if you indulge their drama then you just reward their bad behaviour and it sets a cycle that you get stuck in moving forward.
If they want to be whiny thundercunts, then like @aprilmay9 said, fuck 'em.
*huggle* I'm sorry about your stepmom. Try to let DH handle his folks so you can grieve how you need to.
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I would never call and apologize to anyone who wasn't coming to my mom's/stepmom's funeral. This time is not about them, it's about you.
They can do whatever the H*** they feel is right for them and whatever they feel like they can live with. Given their attitude, if they don't come it's a gift from God/Jesus/Budah/Whatev for you to not have to deal with them.
ETA: I used to worry about what DH's (bio) mom was doing and I would chase her down asking her plans, rework our schedule for whatever last minute thing. When I was on bedrest and in the hospital for a month I couldn't chase her down and I never saw her, even when she came to town to visit her brother (2 weeks before our baby's very, very, way-in-advance SCHEDULED delivery.) Accordingly she still hasn't seen our baby.
One day I just realized that I really didn't like her and didn't want her helping me or being in my face anyway, so why in the hell was I worried about her. I'm not mean to her at all, but I also just simply don't worry about what she's doing or when she's going to show up.
Me not being mean is my nod to keeping the peace, I guess.