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I let myself admit my deep thoughts

maybebridemaybebride member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
I had a very stressful day of work today. Just tacked on to a very stressful few months of work, including the time I was pregnant. I keep having these thoughts and today I admitted to friends that I've often thought no wonder I had a miscarriage.

Logically, I know it likely isn't true. But, I know how stressed I was. How many hours I was working. How much sleep I wasn't getting. How I really wasn't taking care of myself. I just feel like I failed my baby and myself. 

I'm so angry right now and I'm just trying to make myself stay busy so I don't have a moment to think or dwell. But, then I do and here are these thoughts.
Proud Doxie Mommy
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TTC #1 since Sept. 2009 - DX unexplained IF March 2011 - "Surprise" BFP March 2012
DS born via c-section 11/17/12
TTC #2 (or, not TTA) Nov. 2013
BFP #2 8/22/14, Missed M/C 6w2d, Discovered 7w4d/Official 8w6d, D&C 9/27/14
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Re: I let myself admit my deep thoughts

  • flyoffeveflyoffeve member

    What happened was not your fault! I definitely had similar thoughts, I thought I was running too long or being too tough with all my workouts. When those thoughts come up I just tell myself it is not true. Take care of yourself. When you have these thoughts find something to do with them, even if that is writing them here or anywhere else. If possible try and relax doing something that you enjoy after rough days like that at work. (hugs)

    Me: 31 DH: 36
    Dated Since ‘02, Married in ‘06
    BFP#1 05/16/06, EDD01/16/07, MC 06/12/06 at 8 weeks
    BFP #2 08/14/14, EDD 04/22/15, MC 09/17/14 at 9 weeks

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     My Chart

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  • Bel831Bel831 member
    I feel you there... I actually quit my job. I felt like the stress was part of why we lost our baby. It may or may not be true, no way to really know. But I was miserable more often than not with my career, so I decided after the missed miscarriage I couldn't do it anymore and gave my notice. I just had my D&C yesterday, and feel so much relief that I am not returning to my job. Obviously this isn't a choice for everyone, but I am personally hoping by living with less stress we'll have a better chance at carrying full term next time.

    You have every right to be angry. Not knowing why, or how, really sucks. This is a great sounding board. Keep a journal, go to therapy. Whatever helps get it out. I've learned letting it out somewhere, anywhere, is better than holding it in.

    1st BFP 08/08/14 EDD 04/21/15 confirmed MMC 09/17/14 waited for natural m/c no luck, D&C 10/06/14
    2nd BFP 02/06/15 EDD 10/13/15
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers


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    Creativity knows no bounds.
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  • ctk181ctk181 member
    I think it is normal to have those thoughts but it is ABSOLUTELY NOT YOUR FAULT! I hope deep down you know that. I have had the same thoughts so many times myself, so I can completely relate. I often replay things that happened during my pregnancy over and over in my mind and think THAT had to be what caused my MC. But I know logically it was probably just one of those things that happens. That is just so damn hard to accept. (Hugs)
    Married: 4/28/12
    BFP: 7/2/14 ;  1st US 7/21/14 Baby measuring 7w5d, HB of 138;  Discovered MMC 8/18/14 at 11w2d, baby measuring 8w5d, no hb ; 8/19/14 D&C
    image

    TTCAL December siggy challenge - Autocorrect Fails

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    | <a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com" style="font-size:smaller;" >Ovulation Tracker</My Chart

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  • maybebridemaybebride member
    Thank you, ladies. 

    I do truly KNOW I didn't do anything to cause this. DH reassures me. My doctor reassured me. The friends I admitted this to reassured me. I really do it. Some days, it's just hard not to take a step back and survey how things are going.
    Proud Doxie Mommy
    image

    TTC #1 since Sept. 2009 - DX unexplained IF March 2011 - "Surprise" BFP March 2012
    DS born via c-section 11/17/12
    TTC #2 (or, not TTA) Nov. 2013
    BFP #2 8/22/14, Missed M/C 6w2d, Discovered 7w4d/Official 8w6d, D&C 9/27/14
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  • jemmamacjemmamac member
    I had the exact same feelings. My job was so stressful. I also quit my job as soon as I knew I was miscarrying. I resented everyone there because deep down, I kept telling myself it was the stress from work that made me lose my baby. Although it's nice not having to worry about returning, I have bills to pay. You are so not alone in your thoughts. 
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  • 4N6s4N6s member
    Totally not your fault.
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