please tell me im not crazy

finny1019 · September 2014

So since my daughter has been born my in laws have been really difficult. First let me start by saying im in no way a germaphob, my family has been around tons of babies and this is simply how i was brought up around them. Until a certain age you wash your hands before you hold them. Not to hard is it?! Well it seems to be for my in laws. They put up a stink every time when I ask them to wash their hands! Im not asking you to shower! They are so defiant, they somtimes will refuse to wash them and not hold her. Annnd they let her suck on their fingers, im sorry but thats just gross! Its getting to the point where i am stressed out when we go to visit (thankfully its not that often) i know they think im a bitch for saying things like that to them. Its really hard for me to speak up for my self, i get really flustered. We have had alot of problems with them since she was born, they have a tiny dog that is a nipper and is not a puppy. And my brother in laws german shepard living with them. We have made it very clear the dogs are not be near her becuase we dont trust them and his mother plays dumb every time and they try to let the dogs near her all the time! My mother in law is so needy and is acting like she isnt getting enough time with my daughter but then wont hold her if i ask her to wash her hands! And continuously tries to let the dogs in her face! The other day my husbands dad called my husband to ask him to ask me to call his mother because she was sad. I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS!! and I didnt call. I could go on and on about them but I wont. it all comes down to they dont like being told what to do. I feel like Im not asking to much of them, please help!! I need to stick up for myself and baby. Thanks for letting me vent too : )

finny1019 · September 2014

Yea maybe she is to old, she is 4 months now. I think by this point it just drives me nuts they just don't listen to anything I ask. Now that I'm thinking about it I dont ask my parents and sisters to wash their hands. It just really gets me mad get don care about what I say, I'm the mom you know! I feel like they should be making it easy on us not harder than it already is becoming a parent for the first time. Thanks for your advice!

finny1019 · September 2014

And the whole finger in the mouth thing I totally get that she will be putting stuff In her mouth when she is older and crawling. I was a nanny for 8 years before I had her, but I just would never put my finger in a babies mouth. For some reason it grosses me out. I feel like I'm not asking a lot of them.

enpowers · September 2014

Personally, I think watching my baby suck on another persons fingers is gross. If you want to ask anyone to wash their hands before handling your baby then so be it. I feel like people should respect your wishes. I totally understand where you are coming from by not being comfortable sticking up for yourself, I am the same way. However, I feel like after having a baby (I am a FTM) if someone is doing something I didn't like I speak up. As for the dogs- I totally agree. We even have a large dog and we know his personality and he is very gentle but I am still careful with my son around him. You aren't crazy.

mymommyplace · September 2014

Do you know how gross your fingers are especially under your nails? Listen my son is 4 months and I don't ask everyone to wash their hands before handling him however I did ask both my mom and sister to wash before touching my son after they came out of the airport - just because of all the stuff that comes in and out of there - no thank you. And yes I totally agree - you're the mom if they don't like it then don't come by - my kid my rules. Since they don't like washing their hands maybe you can keep sanitizer around at least that's better than nothing but keep your fingers out of my kid's mouth! It kind of sounds like they're giving your husband a guilt trip which is why they call him instead of you. That's nonsense nip that in the bud quick otherwise it gets bottles up and you don't want that to blow up I your face. Hold your ground mama!

finny1019 · September 2014

I totally get putting your own finger and your babies Mouth, I do it too I also don't mind my husband's finger. But I don't even let my own family put their fingers in her mouth I don't want his family doing it. It's just something that grosses me out. The whole handwashing thing, it's not hard to quickly wash your hands especially during cold and flu season. i'm not making them do it every time, but if there is a opportunity to quickly wash your hands before you hold her then just do it.

jannzone · September 2014

you r not crazy! sounds like normal stuff to be going through with ILs. others should totally respect you when it comes to your baby. im a FTM as well & i totally feel what you're going through somehow its just different with your in laws i dont know. bottom line- you are the Mama its your responsibility to raise your child the best u can. how is your husband about all this? maybe the two of u could put up a united front with your husband taking the lead in talking to them about your wishes? i am currently going through a similar battle and we havent yet but thats our plan. my relationship with ILs has changed since DS was born. drives me absolutely crazy. just know you are not alone!

JmeJoLee83 · September 2014

I still have people wash their hands or sanitize before handling my 4 month old! We can be crazy together :-B

TeacherVicky · September 2014

By 4m of age, I had relaxed a bit, but still made my IL's wash their hands because we were still in flu season, there were so many nasty bugs going around last winter and they have really really poor personal hygiene habits (or lack thereof I guess). Ick.

I also never let other people put their finger in her mouth. I'll stick my knuckle in her mouth, but I know that I've washed my hands.

It's all about your own comfort level and I don't think it's worth being called nutty over.

Perhaps it's time your H have a discussion with his parents about hand washing and holding your LO? It would maybe be better received if it came from him.

ashiscute · September 2014

I think you are not treating your in-laws fairly and that's part of the reason they aren't so inclined to listen to you. You said you don't make your family wash their hands to hold your LO just your in-laws? Why? I don't think people need to wash their hands to hold a 4 month old unless there is a specific reason. You also said you don't even let your family put their fingers in your LOs mouth. You didn't give reasons as to why your in-laws are less trustworthy than your family so maybe you shouldn't treat them that way.

The finger thing is not a big deal to me at all but if it bothers you that's your call. I agree with you 100% about the dogs and would have you and YH together put your foot down about this. Have your in-laws visit you sometimes so the dog isn't an issue. I think if you make more of an effort with them they'll meet you halfway.

finny1019 · September 2014

I know I havent been specific, my inlaws have been tough for a long time. My family doesn't have to told to wash their hands they just do it. So I don't worry as much about them because if they haven't it's not due to not listening to my wishes. It sounds like I'm being unfair but in reality it's just at the point that I'm finally able to say what I want now that I have a baby. They are pretty difficult all the time, I'm sure it's because they want us to just always listen to what they say.

ashiscute · September 2014

finny1019 said:

I know I havent been specific, my inlaws have been tough for a long time. My family doesn't have to told to wash their hands they just do it. So I don't worry as much about them because if they haven't it's not due to not listening to my wishes. It sounds like I'm being unfair but in reality it's just at the point that I'm finally able to say what I want now that I have a baby. They are pretty difficult all the time, I'm sure it's because they want us to just always listen to what they say.

No offense but in-laws are usually difficult. My in-laws annoy the shit out of me but they are my family now too so I deal with it. I usually leave their house and say to DH "man, you're parents are fucking weird". But we get along because I don't make them follow a bunch of arbitrary rules because I'm the mom. You're talking about your husband's parents so you have to work with them.

Being a parent and an advocate is a tough job but you can make it easier on yourself by picking your battles and not sweating the small stuff. The hand washing, the finger thing are the small stuff. You'll look back on those and laugh. Again, I think the dog thing is a big deal but the other stuff I'd let go.

finny1019 · September 2014

No offense taken I'm writing this to get advice and see what others think, thanks for the input! The things I want them to do maybe arbitrary to you but they are pretty normal things to do around a baby for me. It sounds like your in laws are a little earlier to get along with than mine. I don't want to get into a complete bash but was simply trying to see what others thought and vent a little. With my in laws it is seeming to be a control issue, and it has been going on long before we had a baby.

jenn43 · September 2014

finny1019 said:

No offense taken I'm writing this to get advice and see what others think, thanks for the input! The things I want them to do maybe arbitrary to you but they are pretty normal things to do around a baby for me. It sounds like your in laws are a little earlier to get along with than mine. I don't want to get into a complete bash but was simply trying to see what others thought and vent a little. With my in laws it is seeming to be a control issue, and it has been going on long before we had a baby.

It's amazing how many little confrontations pop up after you have a baby. My in-laws were the same way. We got along great before the baby (and still do), but there would be weird little things like that. For example, they continually complained that they didn't see LO enough, but refused to ever stop by- they live 5 minutes away. I think you just have to hold your ground without being rude, since it's going to set the standard for interactions involving your baby in the future. If they refuse to hold the baby because they don't want to wash their hands, recognize it for the passive-aggressive behavior it is and know that it's their loss.

finny1019 · September 2014

They may have thought I was treating them unfairly. Recently we had a get together and my father in law noticed my family washing their hands before holding the baby. Later he said to my husband "wow everyone washes their hands" maybe they thought we just asked them to? I don't know

The difference is I don't have to ask my family. Ever since the first visit in the hospital I asked everyone to wash their hands, they were offended. Again what's the big deal?!

finny1019 · September 2014

Thanks jenn43! Each time that happens I do say "really, that's to bad" I feel bad my husband get mad they are doing this.

And I'm not unrealistic, if there is no way to wash your hands for whatever reason, then fine but if your 10 feet from a sink then just do it.

Maladroit · October 2014

I have had problems with my in-laws since DS arrived about 4 months ago, too. I don't make them wash their hands anymore (I'm a Peds nurse and probably bring home more germs than ANYONE else), but I've banned my MIL's dogs from our house too and she has completely ignored that rule several times by playing dumb - I lost my temper with it on the 4th time of putting the dogs back outside that I'd had it and I didn't have that many rules to follow. After that, I think she realized I wasn't going to cave and that my politeness had its boundaries. My MIL also likes to hold DS ALL DAY LONG and doesn't ever want to give him up - thinking she knows him best (um, no!). I've lost my temper with that, too. Eventually, she gets the hint but it takes me being a bitch to accomplish it - asking nicely 5 times doesn't get the desired effect, but I still don't want to go full bitch on strike one.

macbook · October 2014

No you aren't crazy at all. That is completely inappropriate. You are your childs mother, you make up the rules. And your rules make perfect sense so overall, I agree with your frustration.

jmarkert527 · October 2014

It may be unnecessary to ask them to wash their hands but honestly its not that hard. I find it really strange that grown adults are refusing to wash their hands. Do they wash them after they use the bathroom? As for the dogs, I completely agree. I might even suggest that you have them come visit you instead of going over there.

Cape&Tiara3721 · October 2014

Your baby, your rules. Bottom line. It is really about boundaries. Today it is handwashing, tomorrow it will be what church you attend, the next time it will be about what school district you are sending little one too or why aren't they studying piano instead of violin.

It starts now to set boundaries, ground rules etc. I have inlaws that come from a very different cultural and socioeconomic background than myself and sometimes it causes a conflict. But I have to stand my ground on what I feel is important. Even if they don't get it. Just stay strong in yourself and know that you are in the right to set guidelines regarding what is important to you.

I'm also a microbiologist and i see NOTHING wrong with your hand washing request. Did you know that science shows that you can catch more germs from dirty hands than from sitting on a public toilet seat? So if you want folks to wash their hands with all that crap that is out there...then you know what -- they can wash their hands and hold baby or sit on them and loose out!

Mimaloo · October 2014

Kimbus22 said:

So I'm the only one who routinely shoves a knuckle in my teething kid's mouth to shut her up? Because it works way better than any teether/rag etc I've tried. Plus you can feel the gums better and see where the tooth is coming in.

But yeah I think asking someone to wash their hands before holding a 4 month old is a bit much. And if you're only asking them, then it's probably just because you don't like them Unless they smoke. Then I take it back and they absolutely should be washing every time.

I see no issues with standing up for your kid and for your choices. But it's going to be a giant pain for you more than anyone else unless you learn to choose your battles. In your case, the dog one is the only one I'd bother spending my energy on.

Nope. I guess I'm gross too.

Scrambles1 · October 2014

Here's the thing.....whether someone else thinks it's unreasonable or not...IT DOESN'T MATTER. You're the parent. So if you're requesting something they need to listen if they want to hold the baby.

If they want to tell you an annoying story about what they did when their kids were little that's fine, but they don't need to be doing the same to your children.

It's not a question. So no....you're not crazy. You're only crazy if you don't stand your ground. I get the whole "pick your battles" thing....but if you let one thing slide people will push it to the limit until you give in for other things. Then everything will appear to be a battle.

jfletcher3113 · October 2014

So I pretty much do/allow all these things with my kid. Maybe that makes me a gross mom... haha!

@kimbuss nope, I do it too. Not only do I shove my finger in his mouth, so does my family, his family, strangers on the street. OK not really, but a lot of people stick their fingers (usually clean, I think) in my kid's mouth.

We also relaxed on the hand washing pretty much after he got his first round of vaccinations.

With dogs, I wouldn't be inclined to have my kid around a biter, but my friend's dog licks the crap out of his face. I stopped it the first time. Then just let it happen after the tenth time.

Here's what I think: your baby, your rules. It doesn't matter what they are. You need to do what you feel comfortable with.

You'll know when you feel ready to not worry about hand washing as much, or fingers in his mouth. I imagine there will be a lot worse things in his mouth than someone's finger but if for now it grosses you out, then fine. They need to oblige.

As long as you have the same rules for everyone, they need to respect them.

finny1019 · October 2014

Thanks for all the replies! I can see what everyone is saying. I do however just think someone else's finger other than my husbands or my own In her mouth is somthing I just don't like. I totaly get when she is crawling and walking and playing around she will being putting things in her mouth. I was a nanny for 8 years before having my own baby I am in no way afraid of germs and gross things.

Thanks for the thoughts on the dog situation as well! I have been able to speak up about both situations and things have gone a little better.

snapshotofamind · November 2014

It should be your husband's responsibility to handle his parents and make sure they respect your wishes. If they aren't, husband needs to talk to them.

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