NWMR: Son's vs. Daughter's weddings

fitmom82 · October 2014

Will you pay for your daughters, but not your sons, wedding?

I have 1 of each, I plan of helping each as much as I can with their education, and if I have any left with their wedding. I can't imagine giving DD more that DS unless DS marries a girl who has parents that pay for the wedding.

VitaLuna · October 2014

Did you edit, OP? If so, not cool.

We will contribute a set amount to each child and they can use it however they want. My parents did this and I thought it was very fair/generous.

groovygrl · October 2014

We will help them both if and when needed, there are so many variables to say solid yes or no on anything. My parents paid for a good bit of my wedding but also helped a lot with my brother's and with some of his house related things...they were always very fair in whatever they gave to one and then did something for the other.

kristennd · October 2014

I just hope this expensive wedding craze is over by the time our kids are grown.

minirella · October 2014

It will depend on circumstances - how much $$ we have and what they want. Each of the kids have/will have a savings account with hopefully $20K or more in it by the time they are legal age so that could be available to them to use. We hope to raise our kids to be practical about the money. There are many special days that occur in life, I don't think there is a reason to go broke on a wedding but that is just my opinion.

I probably could not afford to have a wedding like my brother did. My parents paid for the rehearsal and I remember my mom commenting on how expensive it was. I didn't want a wedding, we would've been happy just eloping but MY MOM would have none of that. I planned the wedding as though I was paying for it. Total was about $3,000-4,000 with us footing about $1,500 of that bill. Many of the expenses were at the request of my mom such as photographer (I didn't think I needed one and he turned out not be that great; my step-SIL ended up getting better pics) and flowers.

Mustardseed2007 · October 2014

I think it's an interesting question - we have a boy and a girl now and I simply haven't thought about it. But I think it's something that we won't be able to know right now bc there are too many unknowns.

For my own wedding, my parent purchased certain things - a photographer, my veil. Certain things she wanted to make sure I spent good money on. DHs family did a nice rehearsal dinner. We paid the rest. For my other two sisters-one eloped and one has never married. If she marries now, what my parents contribute will probably be greatly effected by their current financial situation which is simply not as good as what it was when I got married. However in general my parents have always treated us all fairly and helped us in our adult and young adult life as needs have arisen within the bounds of what they can realistically afford.

I think what we contribute will probably depend on our financial situation, and my kids financial situation. It might depend on their gender a little-as in if ds marries someone whose parents WANT to Pay for their their wedding then I might stick to the rehearsal dinner. But in any event it's not like I have a fund for either one of them that is tagged for wedding expenses-college yes, wedding no.

We will try to be fair, but understand that fair does not necessarily mean equal-that goes for weddings as well as many other things in life.

alisonc87 · October 2014

So far we have 1 DD, but are planning on having 2-3 more children. We will plan to pay for any girls' weddings in full (if the in laws would like to contribute, fine, if not they won't have to worry about how to pay for their weddings). For any boys, we will pay for the rehearsal dinner, and then whatever the bride's parents aren't paying for. We will obviously have them work within a budget we set, but whatever we don't spend on the wedding they can use for a down payment on a house, large scale home renovations, honeymoons. Pretty much they can use it as they please.

For our wedding, my parents paid for most everything. My in laws paid for the rehearsal dinner and paid for the flowers. They also paid for our honeymoon. Originally they paid the whole thing and we were going to pay then back for half. Then my MIL really wanted us to side our house and I said we couldn't afford it as we were still saving to pay off the honeymoon, so they said to use the honeymoon money we were paying back to side the house instead.

We were really lucky to have families that were so helpful. My parents had 2 girls, and my sister is old enough that she said she would like to pay for her own if/when the day comes. (She is mid-30s and very well off, and wants a destination wedding so we would all be paying for travel)

kmh2201 · October 2014

It's still very far off, but I would assume we'll give each a set amount. I do plan to buy DD's wedding dress, but I'm not sure at this point if that will be included in the set amount, or an "extra" because she's my daughter.

When I go married, my parents gave us a set amount not including my dress. They ended up giving my sister the option of a lump sum payment in the same amount they gave me and H (not sure if it was including the cost of my dress or not) because she was no where near getting married, but had law school loans. So if she ever does get married, she and her fiance will have to pay for it on their own.

sandrabrooke · October 2014

I'd give equal amounts to both male and female children. I think it could seem very unfair if one had a grandiose wedding because both sides donated while another kid completely struggled to have anything because neither side donated.

That being said, "paying" does not mean 50k wedding with all the trimmings. A park wedding, church wedding, etc are perfectly acceptable. Any extras can be paid for by them.

sandrabrooke · October 2014

I'd give equal amounts to both male and female children. I think it could seem very unfair if one had a grandiose wedding because both sides donated while another kid completely struggled to have anything because neither side donated.

That being said, "paying" does not mean 50k wedding with all the trimmings. A park wedding, church wedding, etc are perfectly acceptable. Any extras can be paid for by them.

jtmomma13 · October 2014

I plan on helping my kids with whatever I can regardless if they are all boys, all girls or a mix. It might depend on our financial situation at the time as we don't have the funds to save for retirement, college and pay off our own student loans at this time in the game. LO is only 13 months so I think we have some time to figure it out!

kimberlybethh · October 2014

I hadn't really thought about what we would do about this yet. I was very lucky that my parents paid for my entire wedding. They gave me a budget and said that we would have to pay for anything over that amount. My DH's parents did not contribute anything to our wedding aside from paying for the rehearsal dinner. I have three brothers and one is getting married next summer. My parents have decided to give them cash they can use towards their wedding or for their honeymoon. However, it is about a 1/3 of what my parents spent for my wedding.

We have two kids. I would like to give DD a set amount of money for her wedding with the expectation that she would have to pay the rest if she went over budget. For DS, we will probably pay for the alcohol, rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. However, paying for college is a much bigger priority for me so we will see if there is anything left to put towards weddings.

chloebeth930 · October 2014

For the love of all that is holy.. please give them equal amounts. If DS's future wife's family wants to pay for everything, then they can use that for a honeymoon.

DH and I got married a month after his sister. I won't even go into all the details of how SIL rushed into a marriage with someone she only knew for less then a year, and then threw a hissy/crying fit at her 21st birthday party because we weren't having a big enough birthday celebration for her and I quote "Don't get married the same month you turn 21. No one will care about you turning 21 and your party will suck." Ok.. sorry I couldn't help the vent.

This was and still is a huge issue with our families. Since DH and I were together 5 years before we got married, everyone knew it was coming and had started planning for it. FIL and MIL even talked to my mom and told her that they would love to split the costs of the wedding with her (my mom is a widdow).

Well, when push came to shove, they actually said to us, "We can't help pay for your wedding because we have to pay for your sisters. Whatever money we have leftover we can give to you." This was after the private dance lessons they bought her for her first dance, and a bunch of other BS. Plus, they didn't even have to pay for SIL's wedding all on their own. BIL's family offered over and over to help. FIL/MIL kept refusing because they said it was their responsibility to pay for their daughter's wedding.

dkjasdlkasjdl kajd < sorry for the long ranty post. This is seriously such a sore topic for me. Please, please just set a dollar amount that you are comfortable with and give that to both your children when it comes time for their weddings. Let them use it as they see fit, even if that means they want to have a courthouse wedding and use the money you gave them for an awesome honeymoon, or a car, or something.

sweetsunnyc · October 2014

We have three DD's (oldest one my SD) and I do plan on contributing to their weddings if that is what they choose to do. H and I did get married at the court house, but then had a small ceremony last May. My parents and his parents did contribute to the cost, but we paid for the majority as we got married in a non traditional way and had the ceremony for family reasons. I agree with PP's though and hope the super expensive wedding craze is over by that point. Total waste of money IMO.

DiveFrog · October 2014

We plan to contribute equal amounts for our children, but life doesn't always work out the way you plan, so we will have to see when the time comes.

Personally, my FIL & MIL are both very traditional and paid for SIL's wedding completely. However, SIL got married at 21 and the wedding was done in a manner IL's could afford. DH and I didn't get married until 9yrs later. DH was 27 and I was 30. We already owned our own house, we had established careers. In addition to believing that my parents should pay for the event, IL's felt that we didn't need as much help financially as SIL & BIL had. IL's hosted a very nice rehearsal dinner for us, and MIL and SIL hosted a lovely bridal shower in our honor as well. DH & I were fully prepared to foot the bill completely for the wedding and reception, but my parents generously picked up about 50% of the costs and then also paid for my wedding dress.

If my brother ever decides to marry I am sure my parents would contribute equally to his wedding as well, provided they were financially able to do so at that time.

caladpi02 · October 2014

I doubt we will contribute equally. My parents are spending more on my brother's wedding which is very frustrating considering the circumstances. First world problems.

banks81 · October 2014

I think we'll set aside a certain amount and plan to give that amount to each child (DD or DS). As others have said, though, plans can change. If they get married 10 years apart and things significantly change, I could see the amount changing. But, I definitely like the idea of giving a budgeted amount rather than saying we are paying for x,y,z.

My IL's paid for rehearsal dinner, flowers, transportation (limo), and alcohol, which I think is traditional for the husband's side of the family. And my parents gave us a $ amount, but then picked up a few other things, because my mom and dad wanted it, but I wasn't sure it was in our budget. We paid for the difference. It ended up being about 1/3 each. I know I felt way more comfortable picking out the items the IL's weren't paying for, because I just knew I was paying the difference.

SunAndRain · October 2014

I guess I have a different view on weddings. It isn't the cost that gets me. It is that weddings have strayed SO far from tradition that they have become a joke of sorts.

I attended a wedding where the "officiant" spent 15 minutes rambling on about "our furry dog friends that couldn't be with us today" while the parents watched in horror and the guests in dismay. I think the bride and groom were chuckling. This was not a young couple, and they insisted that their parents not have a say in any part of the wedding. I'm quite sure any of their parents would have gladly forked over some cash for a real officiant, among other things. Add to this that the couple had already gotten married by a justice of the peace. Then, why, really were we all standing there to observe this show?

The "theme" weddings have gone too far. This is not about whether you are in to princesses or vampires or what have you. It is a day to declare you love for one another in front of those who matter to you most. And since (if) your parents raised you, then perhaps it is OK if "those who matter" include some of their "mosts" too!

Traditional weddings, when done well, are beautiful. It isn't a matter of cost, it is a matter of thoughtfulness that goes in to the planning and execution. Obviously cost is a consideration but there are ways to scale back a wedding and still make it elegant and classy. And keeping the guest list manageable is the first line of defense.

As for DD, she is our only child and in our financial planning we have planned to fund her wedding. DH and I agreed to an amount that is less than I want but more then he wants. Ultimately it'll be up to DD what sort of wedding she wants but I highly doubt that I'm going to turn that cash over to her and allow her to plan whatever she wants without some input and guidance from us. It may be "her" day (and her FI's) but there will be boundaries. I've seen too many "good" kids go astray when it came to their weddings, be it lack of experience, immaturity, or simply poor taste. Regardless, I'm not funding a trashy affair.

aglenn · October 2014

This falls squarely in the "I'd like to do what I can, but this is not something I am going to sacrifice to budget for" category for me. Plus, there are so many variables and other parties involved that it makes more sense to cross that bridge when we come to it. I certainly do not think that my kids are automatically entitled to any sort of wedding budget from us or from their future ILs. That seems like a way over the top thing to carry a grudge about.

rubber_chicken · October 2014

My parents did not contribute to either my college or my wedding. And that's fine with me, because I am a grown-ass adult who can pay my own way in this world.

Having said that, we've seen how advantageous it's been to our friends who have had help getting started in life, and we will try to help DD like this, with college, a downpayment, and a wedding. Help - not pay for all. Our own needs and retirement will come first.

emberlee3 · October 2014

I can't even remember how the finances shook out for my wedding. I think my parents paid some, and we paid some. I have no idea what they paid for my brother's or sister's weddings. I really don't care. And I have no idea what I will decide to do when/if my children decide to get married.

Kewii · October 2014

I'm with @K3am‌ on this one. DH and I paid for our wedding. My grandparents bought my dress, and my mother paid for the photographer. I thought both those things were very generous.

I plan to do the same thing for my kids and probably give the money to cover a specific vendor--whether it be a band, photographer, or whatever.

I do really hate that the tradition of only paying for daughters is still so prevalent. Enough has changed that this attitude should shift as well.

SunAndRain · October 2014

mrssqueegy said:

SunAndRain said:

I guess I have a different view on weddings. It isn't the cost that gets me. It is that weddings have strayed SO far from tradition that they have become a joke of sorts.
I attended a wedding where the "officiant" spent 15 minutes rambling on about "our furry dog friends that couldn't be with us today" while the parents watched in horror and the guests in dismay. I think the bride and groom were chuckling. This was not a young couple, and they insisted that their parents not have a say in any part of the wedding. I'm quite sure any of their parents would have gladly forked over some cash for a real officiant, among other things. Add to this that the couple had already gotten married by a justice of the peace. Then, why, really were we all standing there to observe this show?
The "theme" weddings have gone too far. This is not about whether you are in to princesses or vampires or what have you. It is a day to declare you love for one another in front of those who matter to you most. And since (if) your parents raised you, then perhaps it is OK if "those who matter" include some of their "mosts" too!
Traditional weddings, when done well, are beautiful. It isn't a matter of cost, it is a matter of thoughtfulness that goes in to the planning and execution. Obviously cost is a consideration but there are ways to scale back a wedding and still make it elegant and classy. And keeping the guest list manageable is the first line of defense.
As for DD, she is our only child and in our financial planning we have planned to fund her wedding. DH and I agreed to an amount that is less than I want but more then he wants. Ultimately it'll be up to DD what sort of wedding she wants but I highly doubt that I'm going to turn that cash over to her and allow her to plan whatever she wants without some input and guidance from us. It may be "her" day (and her FI's) but there will be boundaries. I've seen too many "good" kids go astray when it came to their weddings, be it lack of experience, immaturity, or simply poor taste. Regardless, I'm not funding a trashy affair.

I cannot fathom trying to make my child, male or female, have a wedding to my liking. Sure, you can make suggestions but if I was your child and you were trying to tell me how to plan my wedding, I would not be taking any money from you. How controlling. Have some faith in the child that you have raised.

When we got married we specifically told our parents that they were not expected to contribute at all but if they would like to we would prefer that it be a lump sum as opposed to paying for a specific thing so we could minimize any "input" they felt they might be entitled to. Both sets of parents were extremely respectful of our wedding planning and we had zero issues.

We will contribute equally to both genders of children. I cannot understand anyone who wouldn't do the same unless the ILs were contributing a significant amount and the costs were essentially covered. In that case we would still probably contribute the same amount and the couple could use it for a honeymoon or down payment on a house.

Providing input, being a sounding board, sharing another perspective is not controlling. It is parenting. I wouldn't hand over thousands of dollars to my child for a wedding any sooner then I would for a college education without providing some oversight as to how that money was spent. She will get to plan her wedding but I have seen too many kids make a spectacle at their ill-planned weddings (and piss away college opportunities). I'm not betting on my daughter making poor choices, I'm just not pretending that the potential doesn't exist.

I don't think of weddings as "parties". To me they are celebrations of one of the most important moments in our lives. If we are fortunate enough to be in a position to fund DD's wedding then I would be thrilled to do so. That is why we are planning for it now.

notreal2 · October 2014

SunAndRain said:

Providing input, being a sounding board, sharing another perspective is not controlling. It is parenting. I wouldn't hand over thousands of dollars to my child for a wedding any sooner then I would for a college education without providing some oversight as to how that money was spent. She will get to plan her wedding but I have seen too many kids make a spectacle at their ill-planned weddings (and piss away college opportunities). I'm not betting on my daughter making poor choices, I'm just not pretending that the potential doesn't exist. I don't think of weddings as "parties". To me they are celebrations of one of the most important moments in our lives. If we are fortunate enough to be in a position to fund DD's wedding then I would be thrilled to do so. That is why we are planning for it now.

Nope, sorry, it's controlling. Offering something (in this case payment for college or a wedding) but only if your ADULT child, meets your arbitrary criteria is not parenting, it's manipulation.

MommaP12 · October 2014

fitmom82 said:

Will you pay for your daughters, but not your sons, wedding?

I have 1 of each, I plan of helping each as much as I can with their education, and if I have any left with their wedding. I can't imagine giving DD more that DS unless DS marries a girl who has parents that pay for the wedding.

Exactly this. School is priority, wedding is whatever I can give.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

SunAndRain said:

I guess I have a different view on weddings. It isn't the cost that gets me. It is that weddings have strayed SO far from tradition that they have become a joke of sorts.

Maybe because a lot of the wedding traditions are antiquated and inherently misogynistic. I am also not religious and wanted zero religion intertwined in my wedding. I don't care if someone found the officiate "real". All that matters is that the state found him real, thus deeming it a legal ceremony.

Weddings are a celebration of the bride and groom's commitment and it's their choice how they choose to do it. It isn't for the parents or guests. If they couple chooses to express their love in way you deem tacky, too damn bad.

Back on topic. I have a son. I will ideally give a set amount of money for use towards a down payment on a home or a wedding.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

SunAndRain said:
Providing input, being a sounding board, sharing another perspective is not controlling. It is parenting. I wouldn't hand over thousands of dollars to my child for a wedding any sooner then I would for a college education without providing some oversight as to how that money was spent.

What the actual fuck?

Apparently your definition of controlling is different.

ECATX · October 2014

I've been married twice. The first time, my parents paid for pretty much the whole thing. I actually let them plan it - I felt like sine they were funding it, it was pretty much their party and their deal. Plus, I was young and had no idea what I was doing. It wasn't a great experience, but it wasn't terrible, either. It was super traditional, fancy, and kind of big.

When I got married the second time, DH and I paid for most of it. It was really small and so fun! My parents ended up paying for alcohol, which was a huge help.

I don't know what we'll do for our children, but I think we'll help (equally) however we can. It will really depend on circumstances.

PSU_Texan · October 2014

SunAndRain said:

SunAndRain said:

I guess I have a different view on weddings. It isn't the cost that gets me. It is that weddings have strayed SO far from tradition that they have become a joke of sorts.
I attended a wedding where the "officiant" spent 15 minutes rambling on about "our furry dog friends that couldn't be with us today" while the parents watched in horror and the guests in dismay. I think the bride and groom were chuckling. This was not a young couple, and they insisted that their parents not have a say in any part of the wedding. I'm quite sure any of their parents would have gladly forked over some cash for a real officiant, among other things. Add to this that the couple had already gotten married by a justice of the peace. Then, why, really were we all standing there to observe this show?
The "theme" weddings have gone too far. This is not about whether you are in to princesses or vampires or what have you. It is a day to declare you love for one another in front of those who matter to you most. And since (if) your parents raised you, then perhaps it is OK if "those who matter" include some of their "mosts" too!
Traditional weddings, when done well, are beautiful. It isn't a matter of cost, it is a matter of thoughtfulness that goes in to the planning and execution. Obviously cost is a consideration but there are ways to scale back a wedding and still make it elegant and classy. And keeping the guest list manageable is the first line of defense.
As for DD, she is our only child and in our financial planning we have planned to fund her wedding. DH and I agreed to an amount that is less than I want but more then he wants. Ultimately it'll be up to DD what sort of wedding she wants but I highly doubt that I'm going to turn that cash over to her and allow her to plan whatever she wants without some input and guidance from us. It may be "her" day (and her FI's) but there will be boundaries. I've seen too many "good" kids go astray when it came to their weddings, be it lack of experience, immaturity, or simply poor taste. Regardless, I'm not funding a trashy affair.

I cannot fathom trying to make my child, male or female, have a wedding to my liking. Sure, you can make suggestions but if I was your child and you were trying to tell me how to plan my wedding, I would not be taking any money from you. How controlling. Have some faith in the child that you have raised.

When we got married we specifically told our parents that they were not expected to contribute at all but if they would like to we would prefer that it be a lump sum as opposed to paying for a specific thing so we could minimize any "input" they felt they might be entitled to. Both sets of parents were extremely respectful of our wedding planning and we had zero issues.

We will contribute equally to both genders of children. I cannot understand anyone who wouldn't do the same unless the ILs were contributing a significant amount and the costs were essentially covered. In that case we would still probably contribute the same amount and the couple could use it for a honeymoon or down payment on a house.
Providing input, being a sounding board, sharing another perspective is not controlling. It is parenting. I wouldn't hand over thousands of dollars to my child for a wedding any sooner then I would for a college education without providing some oversight as to how that money was spent. She will get to plan her wedding but I have seen too many kids make a spectacle at their ill-planned weddings (and piss away college opportunities). I'm not betting on my daughter making poor choices, I'm just not pretending that the potential doesn't exist. I don't think of weddings as "parties". To me they are celebrations of one of the most important moments in our lives. If we are fortunate enough to be in a position to fund DD's wedding then I would be thrilled to do so. That is why we are planning for it now.

I have to agree a little with @SunAndRain. I mean I wouldn't just hand over money for college if they wanted to get a degree in basket weaving. I think helping your kiddo to understand what the return on money well spent is important. Depending on what they want to study should also determine school choice/cost. For some majors, it's important to go to a big name/expensive school, but for others it's not. I can't imagine sending my kid to a private school to get a degree that has no chance of yielding a job or an entrance to further education like grad school or PhD. While the money shouldn't have strings, it also comes with having to take some parental advice. Let's face it 18 year olds are not world-saavy in most cases.

I do think the issue of weddings is different than college. I think the only thing I would insist on if I'm paying the full bill for our DDs weddings is making sure I could include some of my closest friends and that it isn't tacky. Otherwise, if they want chartreuse dresses, so be it. It's their pictures

Beevol · October 2014

My dad told me and my sister that he had up to $X that he wanted to spend on our weddings (separate events - that sentence made it look like we had a double wedding...) and I figure that if I can, I will do the same for my kids. He did the same for my college education, and I am very grateful for his financial support.

I would feel equally obligated to help a son as a daughter pay for a wedding. Though, I agree with many previous commenters that weddings have changed a lot in the past 30 years or so and will probably change a lot in the next 30 years or so when our kids get married.

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