Have you miscarried? If so how many times?

courtneylou89 · October 2014

katietopaz · October 2014

While this is my first pregnancy and I haven't had a m/c, something about this really rubs me the wrong way. I might be feeling sensitive on behalf of our loss moms and PGAL-ers, or it might have been a shock to see the thread title since I'm still in a little bit of limbo myself.

courtneylou89 · October 2014

The reason why I ask is bc I have MC twice and I want to be reassured that I'm not the only one. I'm pregnant again with my first US tomorrow and am very anxious. It's a question and topic that I hold very near to my heart.

shirleymaeby · October 2014

I understand curiosity and all...but what exactly is the purpose of this poll? Really not trying to be an ass. I just don't understand why this needed to be a poll on this board.

mrsb628 · October 2014

I agree with PP and think this poll is insensitive to those who have miscarried.

courtneylou89 · October 2014

I disagree that this is insensitive as I am one of the women who have experienced this first hand. Seeing as my opinion is different from yours, I see where you are coming from but that's just not the case with me. I personally feel comfort in knowing I am not alone and I'm sure others do too. I am not saying all will but obviously people are answering my poll. Thank you ladies for your comments.

shirleymaeby · October 2014

I wasn't necessarily saying you were being insensitive...I just wonder what exactly the point of it is.

katietopaz · October 2014

courtneylou89 said:

The reason why I ask is bc I have MC twice and I want to be reassured that I'm not the only one. I'm pregnant again with my first US tomorrow and am very anxious. It's a question and topic that I hold very near to my heart.

I'm very sorry about your losses, and I do hope that you get good news at your u/s tomorrow. I do think there could be better ways to look for reassurance--the limbo/complications check-in thread has been very reassuring for me personally, as well as the weekly appointment check-ins and daily symptom threads.

Gatorsgirl731 · October 2014

Nope. This is insensitive to me as well. I'm trying everything I can to focus on anything but my prior losses when at this very minute I have friends dealing with loss. Many women on this board are currently in limbo praying everything is fine just hoping for some distraction. I understand your desire for comfort but there is a pgal (pregnant after loss) check in you can ask questions in or there are better ways to ask your question. Posting a poll just seems so cold to me.

courtneylou89 · October 2014

You didn't say "insensitive." The comment below yours does. And to answer your question about "what the point is?" I am merely asking a question about a topic I wanted an answer to. That's the point. I wanted to see if more people have had a single MCs or multiple like myself. I don't believe I have to justify why I ask a question about anything but I hope I answered your question.

shirleymaeby · October 2014

courtneylou89 said:

You didn't say "insensitive." The comment below yours does. And to answer your question about "what the point is?" I am merely asking a question about a topic I wanted an answer to. That's the point. I wanted to see if more people have had a single MCs or multiple like myself. I don't believe I have to justify why I ask a question about anything but I hope I answered your question.

1. I know I didn't say insensitive. I was responding to the tone of the other posts calling yours insensitive.

2. Your comment about not needing to justify asking a question DOES seem insensitive.

3. Maybe I'm just feeling extra raw right now, but I do not see how making this a poll is helpful either for those who have just experienced losses, those who have experienced losses in the past, or those who have never experienced losses. Unless of course there is an actual point to the poll other than your curiosity.

4. The quote button is your friend. Use it.

Edited because grammar.

courtneylou89 · October 2014

I can't help that some of you women have had your feelings hurt by my poll, but you can't please everyone. And it may seem crude but there is no difference in asking in a quick poll or having people spill their guts about MC in a comment.

Gatorsgirl731 · October 2014

courtneylou89 said:
I can't help that some of you women have had your feelings hurt by my poll, but you can't please everyone. And it may seem crude but there is no difference in asking in a quick poll or having people spill their guts about MC in a comment.

You should stop while you're ahead. The tone you have sounds like you could care less if our feelings have been hurt as long as you get your question answered.

If you simply wanted to find out if women have gone on to have successful pregnancies after multiple losses a simple google search could have answered that for you. And as I mentioned above a look at the pgal check in.

Gatorsgirl731 · October 2014

courtneylou89 said:
I disagree that this is insensitive as I am one of the women who have experienced this first hand. Seeing as my opinion is different from yours, I see where you are coming from but that's just not the case with me. I personally feel comfort in knowing I am not alone and I'm sure others do too. I am not saying all will but obviously people are answering my poll. Thank you ladies for your comments.

Qfp

katietopaz · October 2014

courtneylou89 said:

I can't help that some of you women have had your feelings hurt by my poll, but you can't please everyone. And it may seem crude but there is no difference in asking in a quick poll or having people spill their guts about MC in a comment.

This is a community that has seen a lot of its members have losses and done our best to support them through the incredibly difficult time they're going through. There IS a difference between a quick, cold poll and posting in a check-in with women going through the same thing as you are.

ETA: It looks like you haven't been around or haven't posted much, so I understand that you might not have realized that this isn't really a post-and-run Google.

shirleymaeby · October 2014

katietopaz said:

courtneylou89 said:

I can't help that some of you women have had your feelings hurt by my poll, but you can't please everyone. And it may seem crude but there is no difference in asking in a quick poll or having people spill their guts about MC in a comment.

This is a community that has seen a lot of its members have losses and done our best to support them through the incredibly difficult time they're going through. There IS a difference between a quick, cold poll and posting in a check-in with women going through the same thing as you are.

ETA: It looks like you haven't been around or haven't posted much, so I understand that you might not have realized that this isn't really a post-and-run Google.

Thank you...I was having trouble wording an explanation about why this felt different.

josim · October 2014

SunshyneShay said:
@courtneylou89‌
I haven't even had a miscarriage and I think your poll is down right disrespectful, regardless of if you have had one/multiple as well. Of course there are ladies here that have had multiple MCs, if you frequent this board you would know that by reading their stories they decide to tell here. I am very sorry for your previous losses, but polling other women is no way to make yourself feel better, Google some stats if you want to know. Sorry not sorry.

This.

courtneylou89 · October 2014

Calm down. I did not mean to offend anyone with. And for the record I want to sincerely apologize to everyone I offended and it wasn't EVER meant that way. I have checked google a million and one times to get answers on my MC just like every other mother who has lost a child. I didn't expect this to cause this much drama and it wasn't intentional ladies. I just wanted to know I was not alone. I can't help it if my explanations haven't been good enough about why I asked this question or why I asked in a poll. But damn give someone a break.

danigirl7181 · October 2014

Well that was a very heart felt apology :-q

lupineaura · October 2014

It's pretty insensitive to ask someone(s) you don't know if they've experienced trauma. Particularly with no warning or background.

Poppy715 · October 2014

What would possess you to make a poll? Why couldn't you just post that you were feeling alone and sad because of your previous losses? This is in really poor taste. We've had so many goodbye posts and those in limbo don't need to see a poll about the topic.

Pumpkin_Princess · October 2014

courtneylou89 said:
I can't help that some of you women have had your feelings hurt by my poll, but you can't please everyone. And it may seem crude but there is no difference in asking in a quick poll or having people spill their guts about MC in a comment.

It's disturbing to me that you honestly don't see a difference. Your poll is cold. You're asking people about some of the most terrible events in their lives, and then telling those same women, who you are asking for support, that their personal experiences don't matter to you and you cant be bothered to read them so please just click an answer. If you want statistics without emotion, I agree with PP that Google is your friend.

SnowWifey · October 2014

courtneylou89 said:
The reason why I ask is bc I have MC twice and I want to be reassured that I'm not the only one. I'm pregnant again with my first US tomorrow and am very anxious. It's a question and topic that I hold very near to my heart.

I also had 2 miscariages before my DS and the entire pregnancy I was so on edge. Even once I finally got past the first trimester I still thought it was to good to be true and never really just enjoyed being pregnant until finally I was 30 weeks and realized "I AM GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY" I do not know your story but I hope you have a healthy, beautiful pregnancy and enjoy every second of it!

Xx

chemmom1 · October 2014

I understand the intention was not to be insensitive, but Polls are usually used for light-hearted matters (like, what's your age? How many kids do you have?). I think the question could be worded in a more empathetic manner.

OnceInLoveWithAmy · October 2014

OP... I just.. I...

*sigh*.

How to make you understand this? To make a poll like this is almost like lumping people together over something very traumatizing and personal. This is not an age poll, or how many kids do you currently have. As someone who has miscarried, I am shocked you don't see it this way.

To answer your question, I've miscarried twice this year. But right now I am pregnant and that's all I want to focus on. I highly suggest you do the same. And give a sincere apology.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

VeganOnTuesdays · October 2014

courtneylou89 said:

Calm down. I did not mean to offend anyone with. And for the record I want to sincerely apologize to everyone I offended and it wasn't EVER meant that way. I have checked google a million and one times to get answers on my MC just like every other mother who has lost a child. I didn't expect this to cause this much drama and it wasn't intentional ladies. I just wanted to know I was not alone. I can't help it if my explanations haven't been good enough about why I asked this question or why I asked in a poll. But damn give someone a break.

Are you kidding me with this shit? There are no words for the amount of ignorance that you have displayed in this so called "apology". I just can't....

oldiebutgoodie80 · October 2014

I don't get it.

Scroll through the last few days worth of threads on this board. You will see how many women in this community have experienced loss in the last week alone. Its heartbreaking.

I do understand the need to feel supported. To know you aren't alone. This is just a shitty, insensitive way to go about it.

xxstephh · October 2014

You can stop anytime now. She made a mistake. She can't delete it or take it back so move on already. Myself having had 3 miscarriages and 1 missed miscarriage, I'm pregnant again and very very on edge but trying my best to keep happy ! , I understand how this would hit a nerve as it also hit mine. But I'm not going to bash this lady over and over because of one mistake. She done it and now it can't be erased. So leave it and it'll go to a further page. Good luck to everyone whose pregnant & I hope you ALL have healthy pregnancies !

xo

Erin10408 · October 2014

I've had 2 miscarriages, and I didn't find this all that offensive. But, agreed, a reason why you're asking would have been helpful.

Shadow512 · October 2014

I don't get why this is so offensive?? I too was curious what percentage of women have experienced a miscarriage. It seems to be very common, and this poll confirms that. It's something that we openly talk about on this board, where many of us HAVE had miscarriages. So why is asking the question inappropriate? As someone who has had a miscarriage, I would think this would make one feel a little better to see that it is so common. If you don't want to answer the question, don't answer it. I don't think the OP meant any offense to anyone seeing as she has had a miscarriage herself.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

kayteebayb · October 2014

Yikes! I'm extremely fortunate not to know the pain of a loss, but this still makes me cringe. I think many of the PPs had great advice for you. If you participate in the board and get to know a lot of us, you will come to know that you are not alone in your loss or your worry.

I know your intent was not to harm, but to me, this is as bad as putting out a poll asking, "So, how many of you have dead parents?". See? Not cool.

Sarahbmcd · October 2014

I have to say. I personally wasn't offended. I understand why ppl could get offended, but I feel like she truly didn't mean any harm. People make mistakes. She apologized how she wanted to, you can take it or leave it. Either way, it's done and over with.

OnceInLoveWithAmy · October 2014

xxstephh said:

You can stop anytime now. She made a mistake. She can't delete it or take it back so move on already. ......She done it and now it can't be erased.

No, it can't be erased, but she could come back with a better apology. I think that's what we are all looking for. So you can put your high horse back in the stable.

maybebride · October 2014

Shadow512 said:

I don't get why this is so offensive?? I too was curious what percentage of women have experienced a miscarriage. It seems to be very common, and this poll confirms that. It's something that we openly talk about on this board, where many of us HAVE had miscarriages. So why is asking the question inappropriate? As someone who has had a miscarriage, I would think this would make one feel a little better to see that it is so common. If you don't want to answer the question, don't answer it. I don't think the OP meant any offense to anyone seeing as she has had a miscarriage herself.

Because as so many others have explained, polls on this site are used as fun GTKY type posts. How many children do you have, how old are, pick your favorite alcoholic beverage. On a BMB especially, women are here looking for a community as they go through pregnancy and beyond - not a statistical post on miscarriages.

Nobody would have batted an eye at a post titled "Pregnant after miscarriage. Need support." or something of the like. That is the only information OP needed. Then others could share their stories if they wish, which is really what is warranted. But, others might not want to focus on their past losses and rather on their current pregnancy.

Statistics of who has had a miscarriage before and who hasn't and how many won't do anything for her other than tell her that others have/haven't. Which she clearly knows they have. One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. There's your statistic.

To those ladies here in limbo, I've been lurking to keep tabs on you and you are all in my prayers.

OP - Work on your social skills.

lgsdesigner · October 2014

The worst thing about this post is it took me back to the day I was standing in my bathroom bleeding and miscarrying. It brought back, for me, a wave of emotions that I want to not think about. Right now...I want to instead think about the miracle growing inside of me without being reminded of the day my heart was torn in two.

That being said, my assumption is the OP did not think about how it would hurt anyone, and posted it out of pure curiosity. Still....not a smart idea.

itsmevkb · October 2014

I didn't find this offensive but I am also years removed from my losses and although still very saddened by them, they have become a part of my history and who I am. I'm also a big believer in openly discussing miscarriages as I feel too often they are a hidden thing and that feeds into many people not really thinking of miscarriages as "real" deaths.

I think some background with the poll would have been helpful. Or, if it were asking too about the number of successful pregnancies women have had after miscarriages. Hope is a good thing and sometimes the only thing that gets you through.

Pintobean39 · October 2014

Why is it so hard to understand, if you screw up apologize. Simple!!!

Regardless of what the intent of the poll was a bunch of people were hurt, therefore you apologize for hurting those people. This is what grown ups do.

@OnceInLoveWithAmy‌ I really need to remember that saying "put your high horse back in the stable"

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