Capture Your Grief - Day 5 {journal} (siggy)

OSUWifey09 · October 2014

Sorry I missed the last two days - been busy with work and some family stuff. My plan for now is to post Monday-Thursday as separate threads, then combine Friday/Saturday/Sunday into one thread. Thanks to @lexusolsen for posting days 3 and 4!

Day 5's description, taken from the CarlyMarie website:

Day 5: JOURNAL. Writing is a wonderful tool for healing. When you put your pen to paper you may have no idea where you are going or where you will end up and that is the beauty of it. It is your own adventure. Find some time today to write. You can write about whatever is on your heart right now. It gives you the chance to write down anything that you need to release. Some ideas on things to write about are, you could write a letter to your children or maybe a letter to yourselves. You may want to write about what you are feeling in this present moment or maybe you could write about a memory you have of your children. Do you have a poem inside you or a short story that is waiting to come out? Maybe it is just one word, that needs to be written over and over and over. Whatever it is, write as little or as much as you need to. You may want to write in a journal, on a piece of paper, a postcard, a post-it note, a blackboard or a tree in your garden. If you try to write something today and it all seems to go horribly wrong, don’t be disappointed. This is where you are in your journey at this very point in time and sometimes our minds are too clouded to be able to write. You can always come back to it or skip the day together. There is no pressure to complete this project. Remember my rules!

princezjk · October 2014

~~~sig warning~~~
::::rainbow mentioned::::

I took a few minutes to try and right a letter to my Izzie today. I found myself stumbling over what I wanted to say and how to say. What I was left with was a very brief piece that felt unfinished. For those reasons it seemed appropriate. Izzie's life very much feels too brief and unfinished. I took a picture of my entry, not sharing it in its entirety, but have included the full text for this post. Thank you for posting @OSUWifey09‌!

Dear Izzie,

There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about you. And I don't think there ever will be a day where you aren't on my mind and in my heart. Learning to be your mommy has been a challenge. I wish with all my heart that the challenges I faced as your mommy were the typical ones. Instead, I have to learn how to be a mommy to an angel. Some days I think I do okay, other days I worry that I am failing you. Now that we have your little brother, I realize my parenting fears with you are pretty typical after all. I wonder what it would be like to have you both in my arms. Challenging, no doubt, but a problem I wish I had. I know the chances of having your brother right now if you were here are slim to none, but I still wonder.

kz's_girlygirl · October 2014

kz's_girlygirl · October 2014

I tried to journal after Jesse was born, but only got through 2 weeks before it started making me feel even more angry.

This is the pic I used for today, one of the last entries.

lexusolsen · October 2014

This is the journal I use to write letters to my baby boy. I don't write as often as I did in the beginning. I try not to feel guilty. I like to think he knows that I'm always thinking of him, love him.

lexusolsen · October 2014

@OSUWifey09‌ I'm glad you weren't offended. I went back and forth about posting. Thanks for taking this on.

ikrystal · October 2014

**Ticker warning*

Sorry I haven't been participating - for some reason, TB won't let me upload my pictures to the posts. But I did write a journal entry today.

Dear Benjamin and Conner,

I haven’t written a letter to you in so long. This blog has become a letter to you in many ways. It chronicles my feelings about having you and losing you, it captures the grief and happiness that I feel whenever we do something special for you, and it helps me to remember everyday how you both have changed me to be a more contemplative and sentimental person. Some days I feel like there isn’t anything else to say – everything that can be said has already been said. Other days I feel like I could write an entire book on things I would love to be able to say to you.

For your baby shower, everyone was going to fill out a “wishes for babies” card. I never got around to filling it out, because you came so quickly after the cards were ordered. But I want you to know all the wishes that I had for your lives, and how I hope you are living in heaven.

I hope you learn how to ride a bike fearlessly, your alphabet with silly rhymes, and how life is always beautiful, even in the worst of times. If you hurt, it is because you loved.

I hope you are not afraid to challenge what is wrong with the world, even if they are beliefs held by the majority. Do the right thing, and you will have peace in your heart.

I hope you love each other. I always wished for twins, and when I heard we were having them, I wished that you would be the same gender and be best friends. Take care of each other. There is a reason you were born together.

I hope you get to live life fully. I cannot guarantee a long life, or even a happy one (although I would have done everything I could to give you both). But I hope that you take the good with the bad and face each day with determination.

I hope you laugh at stupid things. Your dad and I laugh at movies and jokes that quite frankly probably aren’t that great, and we have inside jokes that no one will ever really get. But those little opportunities at happiness everyday are sometimes what make each day fun.

I hope you never forget how much I love you. When you go off to high school and feel like an outsider, or move away to college and crave your independence, or get married (per my approval) to the girl of your dreams – I hope you make your choices each day knowing that I will support you and love you no matter what. You will never be alone.

I hope you always are grateful for the people who care about you. So often, we lose track of friends and family and get caught up in ourselves. Be sure to check in on people. They will never forget you for it.

I hope you dream about trains, cars, dirt bikes, and dogs. I hope you wake up in the mornings eager to play outside in the mud because of some great dream you had, or get new ideas of games to play with each other because of some creative wanderings your mind took in the middle of the night. Be little boys. Be dirty and muddy and loud. I promise I won’t mind. Your dad is always tracking dirt in the house and Miranda loves the smell of her own poop. I haven’t kicked either one of them out yet, and I’m not even sure I know how to handle other clean people in the house.

I hope you become a person your children can be proud of. You’ll know soon enough that the only opinions that matter are God’s, your mom’s, and your kid’s. If your kids grow up and think, I want to be just like my daddy, well then you’ve done a great job.

I hope you respect other people’s beliefs and cultures. Some of them may seem completely different from yours, but it is not enough to simply tolerate. You have to learn how to accept, and then to appreciate. I am glad you are being born at a time where minority populations are gaining rights every day. You represent two different cultures, being born from a white father and a Filipino mother. People have opened the doors for you; keep opening it for others.

I hope you grow up. And at the same time, always stay young. You’ll always be my baby boys.

With love,

Mom

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