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July 2014 Moms
BP607
member
Marital Unrest?
BP607
member
Anyone been experience marital problems after LO? We have a DS, who turned 2 in June and then LO was born at the end of July. There has obviously been massive amounts of adjustment for everyone involved. For about 2 weeks after LO was here, DS was a holy terror, then he seemed to be settling in and now he's kind of back to his old ways and it is putting a strain on our marriage. Neither one of us can agree on a form of discipline and we end up fighting about that, he tells me I shouldn't worry about things I worry about and places a lot of blame on DS behavior on my mom as she does let him get away with things, but what am I to tell her, isn't that kind of part of being a grandparent?
Today after going to nurse LO at daycare, DS teacher stopped me and said that DS had been pushing, pulling kids shirts and sitting on them today, unprovoked. DS is generally a very happy, loving, agreeable toddler so this was quite upsetting to me. When I called DH to tell him about it, he then started placing blame on my parents again. I said I wish your parents lived closer so they could be blamed for everything too, he just said I'll talk to you later and hung up.
In general, he is a very supportive DH who would do anything I need and asked, but as far as agreeing on things goes these days, I feel like we are in two separate worlds.
Anyone have any advice with how to handle this or deal with discipling my LO?
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Re: Marital Unrest?
But, you most importantly need to remember to do your part as a parent. Kids need consistency. But, if you don't think your methods are working anymore, try and seek help for new ones. He's still a baby though. He's in the terrible 2s lol so, you can't expect him to obey every time. Just keep trying!
I think it sounds like your mom spends enough time with DS to make sure she's helping to establish boundaries and guidelines for expected behavior. And if she's outwardly coddling him and making comments when YOU discipline him in her presence, I can definitely see why your DH would be frustrated. That is totally unfair to everyone. It sends DS mixed signals and undermines your and your husband's authority. It also causes tension.
Also, you and DH need to create a united front when it comes to what methods of discipline will be used. If my DH "popped" our kids on the butt or slapped their hands, I'd be incredibly ragey. It's just not my style and not one I can get behind. This would be especially true if my kid was engaging in physical behaviors like the pushing/pulling/sitting on kids. In my opinion, it makes no sense to teach kids to keep their hands to themselves and to not hit/push/pull/etc by hitting/smacking/popping them.
I noticed a little after 2yrs having to move time outs to her bedroom. Quiet and alone (2-3 minutes)
I also had to cut back on time out warnings and go directly to time out based on her offense
The first thing DH and I discussed in regards to discipline is that it kind of blindsided us. Parenting an infant is easier, in that regard. Then all of the sudden, you have a misbehaving toddler and have to make concrete decisions about discipline.
Good luck!
I don't blame your mom. Yes, it would be more helpful if she corrected his behavior more often, but it still mostly falls on yours and DH's shoulders so I'd focus on that for now. If she watched him daily it might be a different story.
Maybe work with DS to come up with a new incentive system? I've had to change things up a few times over the years when things lose effectiveness. Aside from sticker charts, we've done marble jars - he would get marbles in the nice jar when he did well and marbles in the naughty jar when he's misbehaved. I never take away the marbles he's earned for positive behavior but he always has the chance to move his naughty marbles to the nice jar. If at the end of the week his naughty jar is empty, he gets a reward.
Make sure you remind DH to praise, praise, praise the positive behavior. It's easy to fall into a pattern of getting on his case for the negative and forgetting to acknowledge the positive.
First off: No hitting by your DH. All that does is reinforce that hitting or being physical with his friends is okay. I know it can be hard in moments of frustration, especially when you're trying to wrangle an infant.
Redirection is good. If there is something you don't want him to be doing (like pounding the walls with a toy), redirect him to something he's allowed to do (pound his workbench with a toy). Also, using modeling words. Instead of saying "stop hitting", say "let's use nice hands or gentle touches".
Positive discipline/reinforcement is excellent. When he does something good, make sure you reward that behavior with words or actions. For my DS, who's 4, we just started a reward chart. He earns one star for a day for each behavior (for him we started with no whining, go to bed and stay in bed, clean your mess and get dressed). He's very eager to earn stars and it's visual, so he gets to see his progress towards a reward (if he earns 20 stars he gets a trip to Panera (the kid loves Panera)).
It does sound like your mother can be contributing to his behavior. You need to sit and talk to her about it and boundaries you would like her to reinforce. The whole spoiled by grandparents thing tends to be for when the grandparents don't see the kiddo that often.
I speak from <limited> experience. DS was quite the bear when we brought DD home. DH felt like he was always the "bad cop" and said that I was too lenient. However, when either of us were alone with DS, he was fine, so it seems like he played us off of each other. We discussed it like adults and decided that we needed to put up a united front. No more saying yes when the other parent said no. No more giving into whining. Consistency in discipline. etc. etc.